by Piper Lawson
But instead of writing, my pen hovers just above the surface.
Normally, I have no trouble letting the words flow.
Sometimes, they're kind things. I miss you. It looks beautiful where you are.
Other days, they’re questions. Why did you leave? Why is it better there than here?
Today, they're a storm in my head.
You're halfway around the world, but you're still here in my life.
Still a pain in my ass.
Still making me question whether I'm enough.
I know Ben has feelings for me, and I can let go of the fact that he cared about my sister first. I have to if I want to be with him. And part of that is telling the truth.
"You write back, but you never send it."
I turn to see Lil sink onto my bed and squeeze a pillow to her chest.
"Maybe this time I will."
25
“Ben.”
I pull up on the sidewalk outside my office building at the sound of my name, turning to see a semi-familiar face.
“Yves,” the guy who’s my height and a few years older fills in. “I head up the healthcare company you were looking at.”
Holt's recommendation. The pieces click into place as I extend a hand he takes.
“It’s unfortunate it didn’t work out,” I tell him. “You know business.”
He nods, squinting into the sun. “I’d appreciate your feedback on why. Maybe we can retool.”
It didn’t work out because Holt brought you in.
A month ago, that would’ve been enough reason.
I reach into my pocket. My phone says I need to be in the office now, checking the tech news and my email and preparing for the day.
But I can’t resist offering him something first.
“The proposal focused on physiological conditions but didn’t talk about how you’ll integrate with the mental healthcare system. If you’re looking for widespread adoption, and even before that, funding, it’s something you need to figure out.”
I give him a few more notes.
“This is a lot to think about,” he says at last.
“I understand.” I reach into my pocket for a card. “If you’d like to talk more you can give me a call. We’ll get a drink.”
“Thank you,” he says. “I’d appreciate that.”
I head the rest of the way into the office, still impressed by his openness.
“You ready for the gala tonight?” one of our junior associates says from the doorway when I get into my office. “We’ll be cheering for you. Oh, and you have an emergency meeting in five minutes with the partners.”
“They’ll wait for me to grab a coffee first. It’ll work out better for everyone if I do,” I say dryly.
If I’m in a good mood, it’s because I’m still remembering the best weekend ever, and it hardly involved leaving my apartment at all.
Tonight I’ll show Xavier I’m in love and in control.
Only the in love part doesn’t sound so crazy after all.
Things with Daisy don’t feel complicated. They feel right.
We’ve barely seen one another in the days since she left my place Monday morning since we’ve both been slammed with work, but we’ve talked and texted.
Wednesday, I sent donuts to her office.
Yesterday, she video called me at lunch from the private bathroom at work and let me tell her exactly what to do to get her off while I stroked my cock until I came on the couch in my office, the door locked.
I don’t want this thing between us to end. I hate the thought of losing her—not only to another guy, but spending nights alone. Waking up without her next to me.
I don’t know how I did it for so long.
When I get to the meeting, coffee in hand, Holt and Xavier are lined up on the other side of the conference table.
“Is this a congratulatory meeting?” I joke. “Is there cake?”
Holt leans over the table, placing two fists on the surface. “I take it you haven’t read the news. The lawsuit against your little tech darling for stealing IP has been filed in California court.”
The news slams into me, a speeding car ramming my sternum.
“The firm’s assets will be tied up for the next twelve months at least,” he goes on, “and if they’re ruled against, they’ll have to dissolve just to pay the legal bills.”
Fuck.
“Holt, would you excuse us?” Xavier's booming voice leaves no room for argument.
Holt leaves, shooting me a glare that’s triumphant at the same time.
He’s glad to see me go down in flames, even if it’s this company’s deal.
Xavier rises from his chair to stare me down from across the table. “The first time I met you, I appreciated your cunning. You were bold but with a track record to back it up. Now I’m questioning whether the senior partner position is the right fit."
"You're questioning," I echo. "Last month you were questioning whether I had the right support at home. I showed you I did. Maybe you're looking for things to question where there aren't any."
His gaze narrows.
"I've made this firm more money than any other partner in the past two years."
“Which is why I've given you the benefit of the doubt,” Xavier goes on. “Why did you want this deal to go through.”
My jaw clenches. “Because it was the right move.”
“Not because it was your recommendation against Holt's?”
I could argue, but even I know that’s not true.
I had everything lined up for this deal. It was the right move. I don’t know what happened, but it’s possible I didn’t get wind of something that I should have.
I stalk out of the room without a word.
Tris follows me into my office. “Ben.”
I ignore him, shoving files into my briefcase for my next meetings. “Did you know about this?”
“I told you there were issues, but you didn’t want to listen. You wanted to win more than you wanted this firm to make the right choice.”
“Holt’s choice is never the right choice. Don’t you see that? He has zero credibility, less intuition.”
“You hating Holt isn’t going to get you Xavier's seat.”
I slam my briefcase shut and cut my brother the coldest look I can muster before heading for the door.
“This is fun,” Mom gushes when I pick her up in the limo.
Debatable.
The rest of my day was shit, moving between already packed schedule of meetings and trying to salvage my tech deal only to find out it was well and truly dead.
If I hadn’t talked with Holt’s investor maybe I would’ve caught wind of it.
So much for being nice.
“Where’s Daisy?” Mom asks, elegant as she crosses her legs in a long blue dress that sets off her dark hair and eyes.
“Meeting us there.”
Daisy’s voicemail saying she needed extra time to get ready wasn’t what I’d expected, but I went with it.
“And your brother?”
“Tris and I are having a dispute.”
She shifts in her seat, cocking her head at me.
“You should’ve stopped after one,” I say.
“You’d miss him. I would too.”
I shake my head.
“I have a good feeling about tonight,” she goes on.
I don’t. Not only did my deal go up in flames, but my senior partner questioned my judgment.
When the limo delivers us to the venue, I escort my mother to the door, falling into line with the other exceptionally well-dressed people. I greet business and charity contacts as we go, and Mom does too.
She really is good at this part. I think of Daisy’s words that I should involve her more in my life. She’s probably right, and I vow to do that.
Once inside the vaulted foyer, an enormous two-story anteroom crowned by a modern metal chandelier, we proceed down a short hall. Double doors open into a main room that’s as gr
and as the entrance: more than two dozen tables, plus seats for a small orchestra and a dance floor. A box stage at the front is draped in heavy cream-colored fabric, and the podium has silver accents that match the venue’s simple logo on the front.
On each table sits a large crystal vase out of which spill dozens of white flowers, and each place setting has crystal napkin holders and an embossed card bearing the names of the nominees and presenters.
No one does self-congratulation like the Manhattan elite.
When we get into the main room, we’re shown to our seats at a round of eight. My business partners are already there with my brother. Tris and Mom hug, and my partners greet my mother too.
I check my phone. Nothing from Daisy.
The speech I figured I’d be using—until this morning—is in my pocket. I have no idea if I’ll be needing it now.
Holt comes over to my chair and says quietly, “No hard feelings about this morning or the last few weeks. I want what’s best for the firm.”
“Bullshit.”
Before I can respond further, my gaze tugs past him to the doors.
Daisy walks in wearing a black sequined dress with a deep V neckline, her hair long with a sharp edge. The burning in my gut from the day eases a few degrees.
There’s no one else in the room as she makes her way toward our table, escorted by one of the waitstaff.
Holt’s blundering on, and I barely hear him.
“Holt, excuse the interruption,” Daisy says easily, flashing a smile at Holt as she steps between us, tugging me away.
My gaze sweeps her entire figure, from the red slicked lips to her curves under the black dress to her dark, lined eyes.
“You look stunning.” My voice is remarkably smooth for what I’m feeling.
“You too.”
I don’t say how much pleasure that brings me. How the world feels a little lighter, a little more right now that she’s here. I lean in to murmur in her ear, loving the little intake of breath my closeness causes, “Tell me something good. Please.”
She pulls back to peer at me, eyes shining with emotions I can't name. “When you look at me, I can’t think. But I don't want to.”
I take her hand, her warm skin making mine hum. I flip her palm and press a kiss to it.
We’re keeping up appearances. There’s no point on my end since Xavier and Holt have already decided I’m not worthy.
But it doesn’t matter because I want her with me after this arrangement is over.
This month, I’ve realized the only thing better than having a best friend is being in love with her.
I want Daisy to be mine—not only at video games or brunch, to share jokes or to vent frustrations.
I want her in my bed. In my life. In my heart.
We make the rounds and she’s the dutiful girlfriend, charming the attendees and asking pointed questions of the politicians in attendance.
My arm is around her the entire time, and not a bit of it is pretend.
We finally greet Xavier, who seems affable for someone who said he had no confidence in me this morning. “Daisy, you look lovely. What a wonderful reception. Ben,” he says lightly, his gaze landing on me, “you could at least pretend to be having a good time.”
I’m standing straight, my hand tightened into a fist, because his civility chafes.
The whole reason Daisy and I wound up together was for tonight, for him, and he’s considering handing the firm over to Holt.
I pull him aside, lowering my voice. “I have worked my ass off to make this company money, and to be what you wanted. I hope that you’re not seriously thinking of putting Holt in your chair because of one mistake. He couldn’t run a lemonade stand.”
I tug Daisy out into the hall, not once looking back until we’re back in the vaulted foyer that’s empty now save for security at the door, and a couple of late stragglers drifting through to the ballroom.
"Ben, what’s going on?" Daisy asks, concerned as she peers up at me.
I clench my jaw, torn between kissing her and spilling my guts about what just happened, how fucking blindsided I feel.
I tell her about the deal and her eyes widen in shock and dismay. “I’m so sorry.”
“Maybe I did fuck up,” I bite out, frustrated. “I wanted this deal more than I wanted to do the right thing.”
“Mistakes happen. We all have lapses in judgment.”
“No,” I say, letting out a half laugh. “Not you. From the first night we spent together you’ve been the only thing that’s true. You’ve stood by me always and I thought we were friends, but that’s not enough for me.”
I cup her face in my hands, needing to touch her, needing her steadiness to ground me.
“I’ve tried to deny it, but I can’t and I don’t want to. I love you. I'm in love with you.”
Daisy’s face is pale, her eyes shining.
She presses her lips together while my heart thuds under my tux.
“Ben, I love you too.”
Hope soars through me, soothing the battered feelings of betrayal and frustration.
“But I need to tell you something. I can’t have it between us anymore.”
Concern twines with surprise as I press my forehead to hers. “Tell me anything. Everything.”
I don’t want her to stress. There’s nothing she could say to erase the joy of saying those words, of having her say them back.
Her hands band around my wrists, as if she needs to hold me in place as she takes a breath. “Back in college, the night your mom went to the hospital for the first time…it wasn’t Vi you slept with. It was me.”
I’m sure I’ve misheard. She can’t possibly be saying what I think she is. “What?”
“Vi and I fought that night. I wanted to know what it felt like to say, ‘Fuck it,’ so I put on her clothes and her makeup. I wasn’t trying to be her, at least not consciously, I just wanted to feel something.” Her fingers dig into my biceps, but I don’t move closer or away. It’s all I can do to breathe. “And while I was out looking for that, I found you.”
“I was torn up about—”
“Your mom,” she finishes softly. “After your dad left her.”
I swallow, but it’s hard. “No. I was with Vi. We went to my car.”
“My hair got caught in the door. You tugged it out,” Daisy murmurs.
No.
The events of the past days, weeks, months come tumbling down one after another, ending in a pile of broken expectations I can’t examine too closely.
“This doesn’t change anything,” she goes on, but angry denial rises.
“How do you figure? You lied to me. You pretended to be someone else.”
My emotion fuels hers, her dark-rimmed eyes flashing. “You assumed I was. I didn’t know until you… until we were already too far.”
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I force my brain to function, but every thought feels as if it takes every bit of my power to execute, given the feelings colliding in my chest. “I never touched you because I knew how messed up it would be. Never let myself look at you that way because of what happened with Vi.”
Shame fills her expression, and that makes it worse.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I demand.
“When it happened? We were drinking, Ben. It was a rough night for both of us.”
My mind goes back to that night, as it has more than once over the past years. The way I tortured myself over it, then but more so recently, when I knew I had feelings for my best friend.
I didn’t go looking for a girlfriend because I didn’t want to let anyone in and because the one woman I’d already let in, I couldn’t let myself have. “You could’ve said something. You should’ve.”
Her gaze narrows. “In the middle of Fortnite, I’d just say, ‘Want another drink? By the way, you didn’t fuck my sister that night. You fucked me’?”
“Yes.”
It sounds ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as
what she’s admitting.
Daisy shakes her head. “Vi was gone, and there was nothing to be gained.”
“Maybe not. But there was sure as fuck something to be lost.” My gut twists sharply at the pain on her face.
“Ben… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But Vi had already left me, and I was afraid telling you might drive you away, too. Don’t let this come between us now. It’s been in the way long enough.”
I don’t answer.
Her lips open and close, as if for once, my brilliant friend can’t find the right words to say.
What finally comes out makes my heart stop.
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say you love me?”
God, I want to drag her against me and forget all of this.
I want to tear out my hair, to curse myself for being so stupid, then and now.
That long ago night, we were both hurting. We needed something from one another and it was more than sex. It was comfort and understanding, and I have to deal with the fact that the person I thought I’d shared that moment with was the wrong person.
In reality, she was here all along. She was here, and if I’d known, I could’ve… what? Pursued something with her sooner? Stopped wondering if I’d done something wrong that night? Stopped telling myself it was wrong to have feelings for a woman whose sister I’d been with?
We’ve been pretending this entire month, but I thought we were on the same side. In reality, she's been lying for way longer.
I knew love was something designed to hurt, but I never realized the extent of it until my own pain and hers twine together into something worse, something I can’t disentangle.
“Say something,” Daisy implores.
My temples throb, every part of me aching. “I love you. And right now, I wish I didn’t.”
I’ve never wanted to hurt someone I care about, and the way her expression caves, her entire body going from tense to gutted in a heartbeat, makes me want to take it all back. But I can’t.
She lied to me.
Nothing’s as simple as it was ten minutes ago, when all I wanted was to find solace in her.
“Ben.”
“What?” I snap at the sound of Xavier's voice at my back, forgetting to tone it down for my partner.