She sucked on her bottom lip as she meandered through the silent apartment. The whole place smelled faintly like Tyler, like the spicy clean body wash and shave balm he used. She pressed her fingers to her eyes.
She thought she’d lost a lot when Michael had died. Now, she felt she’d lost so much more. But at least she would have the courage to stand up and admit how she felt. To tell the truth. To be honest not just with herself, but with the man she loved.
In the kitchen, she checked the dishwasher. It was full, but everything was clean, so she unloaded it and then moved a couple of glasses, a bowl, and a spoon from the sink to the dishwasher. She grabbed a sponge and wet it and wiped off the counters, then polished up the stainless steel taps and faucet.
She knew who she was. Maybe she didn’t know where she was going, but she wasn’t alone in that. Jamie’d told her that. Mila and Emma had told her that.
She’d already learned a lot about herself. Sure, she’d freaked out about Tyler. Maybe he couldn’t forgive her for that. She’d hurt him. She understood that and it broke her own heart knowing it. But if she’d learned anything the past year, it was that forgiving herself for her screwups was the first step.
“Mom, I’m going to be fine.” Tyler wasn’t sure of that himself just then, but his mom was so distraught he felt a need to reassure her. “Really.”
Mom couldn’t stop crying, holding his hand, sitting in the chair beside his hospital bed. “Th-this is wh-why I don’t want you to d-do this,” she sobbed.
Tyler’s forehead tightened. “Because I might get hurt?”
“Y-yes.” She gave a huge, unladylike sniff. Tyler handed her some tissues from the box. Hospital issue, they were thin and sandpapery, but it was all they had. She swiped at her nose. “Every day I worry about you. If something happens to you…I can’t…” She broke down again.
Christ. His jaw dropped. This was what her disappointment in his career was all about? She was actually terrified something would happen to him?
She tried to get control of her emotions, wiping at her eyes and nose. “I can’t lose you,” she whispered. “I can’t lose another child. You’re all I have left.”
After losing one child…and then his dad… He closed his eyes, his chest tight, his thinking still muddled. “Jesus, Mom. I’m sorry.” He reached out his good hand to awkwardly squeeze hers. “I’m fine,” he said again. “I mean, I will be.”
His injuries weren’t life threatening. He’d recover from the concussion, broken wrist, bruises, and minor burns.
It might take longer to recover from seeing that body…that corpse. His mind kept going there, filled with guilt and grief.
“Please. I don’t want you to do this. This just shows why you shouldn’t. You should be working in an office somewhere…”
Tyler’s eyes burned. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
She laid her head down on the bed and wept.
His belly knotted. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I didn’t do this to make you miserable. I did it so I could help people. So I could make a difference.”
“I know,” Mom sobbed. “I am proud of you, Ty.”
Emotion swelled inside him and his throat constricted. “Thanks, Mom.”
She stayed a while longer, hovering around his bed, asking if he needed anything. He closed his eyes. His entire body throbbed, mostly his head. His stomach roiled and the room spun around him. Fuck. He hated feeling like this, like a weak, puking baby.
He wasn’t sure, but he might have slept for a while. Something made him pry his eyes open, and he saw Jamie and Mila standing beside his bed, Mila holding a huge bunch of flowers, Jamie a Nintendo Switch. Mom was gone.
“Jesus Christ, Tyler,” Jamie said. “What the fuck, man?”
Tyler tried for a smile. “Are you gonna freak out too?”
Mila set the flowers on the windowsill and turned to face him. She looked shaken, but wore a determined smile. “We’re not freaking out. Much.”
“Here. Brought you this.” Jamie tossed the Game Boy on the bed. Then he winced. “Can you play one-handed?”
“I’ll figure out a way.” Jamie’s gesture touched him, even though there was no way he could focus on a little computer screen right now.
“You’re okay?” Mila asked, her smile fading.
“I’m okay.” Other than the headache, nausea, vomiting, and dizziness. The pain meds were doing their thing for the other injuries, so that was good. He drifted out again.
“What else can we get you?” Mila asked, touching his arm.
“Arden. I need Arden.” Oh shit. Did he say that out loud? He kept his eyes closed. Probably he just thought it.
“Oh, Tyler,” Mila whispered.
“Fuck, man, you don’t look so good,” Jamie muttered.
Tyler dragged his eyes open and took in Jamie’s almost green pallor. “Sit. Put your head between your knees, man. You’re about to pass out.”
“No, I’m not.” His forehead gleamed with sweat and his eyes were dark.
Mila moved over beside him and pushed Jamie’s head down. “Don’t be an ass.” In contrast to her blunt words, she rubbed Jamie’s back in a surprisingly tender gesture, biting her lip as she gazed down at him. Jesus, she looked more worried about Jamie than about him.
“Good thing you never wanted to be a doctor,” Tyler quipped, using all his energy.
“We’ll never speak of this again,” Jamie said. He sucked in a long breath and straightened. “You scared the shit out of us, asshole.”
“Yeah, that was my plan.”
“What happened, Tyler?” Mila asked. “Or do you not want to talk about it?”
“I don’t remember some of it. Which really pisses me off. Apparently the floor collapsed, and I fell into the basement.”
“Dear God.” Mila pressed a hand to her chest. “You’re lucky it’s not worse.”
“Yep.”
“The man who died…?”
Tyler blew out a breath. “Turns out he was dead before the fire started.” He’d learned this from his captain and Cliff and Tremon, who’d visited him earlier. “Cops say it was a homicide. He was murdered, and then they set the house on fire.” It didn’t help a whole lot, but at least they knew they hadn’t failed to rescue the man. It was still a traumatic thing to have seen.
“Oh wow. That’s awful.” Mila perched on the arm of the chair, her hand still on Jamie’s back. “How long do you think you’ll be in here?”
“I think they said I might be able to go home tomorrow.”
“We’ll be there to help.”
“Thanks.” A wave of dizziness swept over him, and he closed his eyes again. “But Mom said I can go to her place for a few days.”
“What else do you need?” Jamie asked. “What can we do for you?”
Arden. He needed Arden. “Water.”
He heard noises, then Mila said, “I’ll find some ice.”
He gave a tiny nod, head hurting too much to move.
Then she was back. It felt like an hour, but maybe it was a minute. Who knew? A straw touched his lips and he opened, closed them around it, and sucked down some deliciously cold water.
He dozed off and woke up, hearing low voices talking. Mom and Jamie.
“He was asking for her last night,” Mom whispered. “I didn’t know what to say.”
Jamie gave a low growl. “I’m so pissed at her.”
Tyler drifted back into a medicated sleep.
The next time he woke up, Mom was there, Mila and Jamie gone.
“Your friends will be back later,” Mom told him, now calmer. “They told us to let them know if there’s anything you need.” She paused. “They’re good friends.”
“Yeah,” Tyler croaked. His throat hurt. “Can I have more water?”
Mom helped him drink.
“I need to talk to Arden,” Tyler said to his mom a little desperately. “I need my phone.”
Mom bit her lip. “I don’t think it’s here, Ty.”
> “Oh.” Probably still at the station.
“You can use mine,” Mom said, digging it out of her purse.
He gazed blankly at the phone. “I can’t remember her number.” Pain sliced through his chest, and it wasn’t from his injuries. She was gone. He couldn’t call her. She didn’t love him.
He drifted again. Those pain meds were really something. Too bad they didn’t help a broken heart.
The sound of the front door opening and closing reached Arden’s ears. She frowned and checked her watch. It was only three o’clock. Then Jamie’s apartment door opened and closed. She knew the difference between his and Mila’s sounds now.
What was Jamie doing home so early?
But this was good! She needed to talk to him. She dropped the towels she was folding in her apartment and raced downstairs.
She opened Jamie’s door and called out, “Hi, I’m back!”
Jamie whirled around where he was looking at mail and gaped at her. “What the hell?”
“I came back.” She advanced into the apartment, closing the door behind her. “I know I screwed up. I was an idiot. I came back to…to apologize. To everyone. But mostly to Tyler.” She twisted her fingers together and sucked her bottom lip briefly. “I feel terrible about how I…reacted…” Her throat squeezed. “Maybe he won’t forgive me, but—”
The expression on Jamie’s face stopped her.
“What?” She stepped closer, frowning. “What’s wrong?”
“I didn’t know you were coming back.”
“I know. I didn’t know myself until yesterday. I got the first flight I could.” Her stomach cramped. Jamie still looked…terrible. Drawn and tired.
“Jesus, Arden.” Jamie rubbed his face. “You need to know…there’s been an accident.”
She blinked and pressed her fingers to her throat.
“What?” She squinted at her mom. “Where?” Her first thought was a car accident. Her parents? Mila?
“Tyler.”
Arden’s skin went hot, then icy. Cold fingers clutched at her insides.
“Fighting a fire.”
The room swirled around her, and her knees buckled. Her mind went straight to the worst-case scenario. “Is he dead?”
“No! God no. But he’s in the hospital.”
“Is he going to die?” She stared at Jamie, her insides squeezed in an icy grip. “He’s going to die, isn’t he?”
“No, he’s not.”
“Oh my God. Oh my God.” She began to tremble. “He is. He’s going to die.”
This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t. Remembering the day the police had come to the house to tell her… blackness enveloped her.
“Jesus, Arden.”
She heard Jamie’s voice faintly, felt the grip of his hands on her arms as he helped her lower to the floor. Her vision was a pinpoint of brightness, everything else was black, and her ears roared.
Moments later—or maybe hours?—her head cleared a little. She was sitting on the floor in Jamie’s living room, Jamie crouched beside her. Her mouth was dry and her heart pounded.
“Put your head between your knees,” Jamie ordered gruffly. “Christ.”
Arden lowered her head again, breathing in shallow puffs. “I need to know…what happened. I need to know if he’s okay.”
“He’s okay. I just came from there. Mila and I went to see him.”
“I need to see him.” She tried to push up, but Jamie’s hand on her shoulder held her down.
“Not yet. You’ll just pass out again.” He paused, then muttered, “Must be a family thing.”
“Sorry.” She bowed her head again.
“Come on. Let’s get you onto the couch.” Now, he helped her rise and led her over to his sofa. She stretched out and took a few deep breaths, eyes closed.
After a while, Jamie said quietly, “Do you even give a shit how he is?”
Her eyes flew open and her head lifted to glare at him. “That’s a stupid question. I just about passed out, thinking he could be dead.”
“You fucking broke his heart.”
She fell back against the pillow and closed her eyes again. Her throat ached and her face burned. She wouldn’t open her eyes to look at Jamie, knowing the recrimination she would see on his face. She thought she might throw up, her stomach was so tight with worry. She swallowed. “I know.”
Tyler. Brave and strong, loyal and protective. He was the best man she’d ever known. She’d been so, so lucky to be with him…so lucky to be the one he wanted. Tears stung her eyes at the staggering waste of it. What had she done?
“I’m sorry,” she choked out, meeting Jamie’s eyes. “I messed things up.”
He narrowed his eyes at her from where he sat on a nearby chair. “Seems that way.”
“What did Tyler tell you?”
“He said you broke up with him.”
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.
“He was wrecked, Arden.”
She closed her eyes again. Everything inside her hurt. “I’m sorry. I was…I panicked.”
“What the fuck? Why?”
“Because…because…I don’t want to get lost again.”
“Okay…”
“I love him. I really do.” She paused. “I lost someone before.”
“Yeah.” Jamie’s head dropped forward briefly. “Shit, Arden. I wasn’t thinking about that. Are you okay?”
His sudden switch from annoyance to sympathy made her heart squeeze. “I’m not sure. I’m scared for him.”
“He’s gonna be okay. He—” Jamie stopped abruptly.
“I didn’t handle things well. But I was scared. I didn’t want to fall in love because I thought that would interfere with my plan…my goal. To figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life.”
“Hell, Arden. None of us have it figured out. And I don’t know if we’re really supposed to. None of us know where we’re really going in life…and even if we think we do, shit happens and it all changes. But it’s not about that. It’s about getting there. It’s about learning and growing.” He paused. “Maybe Tyler is part of figuring things out.”
She nodded, her throat thick. “I think I know that now. And I realize I was also scared because…I feel guilty about what happened with Michael. I talked to Mom about it. And…maybe…it wasn’t my fault he took his own life.”
Jamie gaped at her. “You blame yourself?”
“I was his wife. I should have known what he was going through. I feel like…nobody should love me.”
After a shocked beat, Jamie shook his head. “Lots of people love you, Arden.”
One corner of her mouth lifted. “Even you?” She tried for a teasing tone, but it maybe came out a little needier than she wanted.
“Even me.” He smiled.
“I love you too,” she whispered. “And I’m an idiot.”
“Yeah.” His smile went crooked. “But at least you’re smart enough to know when you screwed up. So what are you going to do to fix it?”
“I need to see him.” She sucked in a breath and lifted her chin. “Take me to the hospital.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tyler wasn’t one to lie around in bed a lot—unless he had company—but obviously he was messed up because all he did was sleep. Got up to take a leak every once in a while. Stared out the hospital window. Slept some more.
He felt marginally better than yesterday—less nausea. Still had the occasional ringing in his ears, which was annoying as fuck. Still dizzy sometimes, but that could also be the painkillers. He wanted off the drugs. They fucked with his mind and made him have weird dreams. He’d been sure Arden had been here in his hospital room last night, naked. But when he woke up, he was alone, dammit.
Mom came back of course. Couple more guys from the station had dropped by. Even his battalion chief had visited.
But not Arden. She was gone.
He was having a very pleasant dream involving a blow job…Arden’s hot little mouth w
rapped around him, her fingers caressing him, her hair tickling his thighs… “I don’t know if I can do this,” Arden whispered.
“You can do it, gorgeous.” He lifted his hips. “Just open a little wider…”
A throat clearing made him open his eyes. Jamie and Arden were staring at him.
“Fuck off, Jamie.” He frowned. “You can’t be here.” Major ick factor, since Arden was his sister. It was just a dream, but still…
“Uh…dude…”
Arden’s gaze was on his dick tenting the hospital sheets. As it should be, if she was about to…
Fuck. This was real. His dick wilted.
“I’m outta here.” Jamie held up his hands. “Good luck.”
Tyler watched his friend’s back disappear.
He swiveled his gaze back to Arden, eyes now determinedly focused on his face. “Um, hi,” she said weakly.
“I’m not dreaming, am I?”
“No.” She swallowed, her hands so tight on the handle of her purse her knuckles were white.
“Damn.”
Her eyes widened.
“I mean…I was having a really good dream.”
“I got that.” Her eyes flicked to his groin, then back up. “Good to know you’re not that injured.”
He still wasn’t totally convinced this was real. “The drugs are really good.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “What are they giving you? Viagra?”
He choked out a laugh. First one in quite a few days. Then he sobered. Apparently this was in fact really happening. And he was pissed at her. “What are you doing here?”
She bit her lip, slid her gaze away from him, then back, shifting her purse from one hand to the other. “I had to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine.” He waved a bandaged hand.
Her gaze caught on the bandages, then moved to his splinted wrist. Her eyebrows drew together and one hand went to her throat. “You’re not okay. You’re hurt.”
“You came back from Florida.”
“Yes.” She ran her tongue over her teeth.
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