“I’d do better,” he said to himself, “to walk and gain a donkey than ride and lose one.”
He was walking down the street, and a thorn stuck painfully in his foot. When he got home, he took it out, then said: “The Lord be praised!”
“What makes you praise God?” his wife asked.
“I’m praising Him,” Juha replied, “because I wasn’t wearing my new shoes. The thorn would have made a hole in one of them.”
56
Juha the Judge
Once, when Juha had been appointed a judge, a cook complained to him how a poor man had found a dry morsel of bread, then passed it over the steam of the food he was cooking, and eaten it. The cook demanded the price of the steam.
Juha took out a bag of coins and counted them, making them jingle as he did it.
“You can take the jingling of the coins,” he told the cook, “as the price for the flavorsome steam of your cooking.”
A thief went into a butcher’s shop and ordered some meat. Then, while the butcher was busy cutting the meat, he opened the money drawer and stole some silver coins. But the butcher noticed this, grabbed him by the throat, and hauled him off in front of Judge Juha.
When he’d heard each side’s story, Juha found himself perplexed as to his judgment. So, he ordered a bowl of hot water to be brought and put the coins in it. Before too long a film of fat appeared on the surface of the water, and by this Juha knew the coins were the butcher’s. He returned to the man his coins and ordered the thief to be taken to prison.
A man was sleeping in an orchard with his cloak over him as a cover. A thief came by and took the cloak, but the man woke, seized hold of the thief, and led him in front of Judge Juha.
There before him, each man claimed the cloak was his own, and Juha was perplexed as to where the truth lay. So he made each man hold one end of the cloak and left them like this for quite some time, while he attended to some papers. Then, suddenly, he yelled out:
“You, the thief, give the cloak back to its owner!”
Taken by surprise, one of the two let go at once. Juha knew then that this man was the thief and ordered him to be imprisoned, while returning the cloak to its owner.
The Juha selections were taken from the numerous collections available to scholars and readers.
V
Other Comic Tales
57
Abu ʾl-Qasim’s Slippers
There was, in Baghdad, a man called Abu ʾl-Qasim al-Tunbouri, who had a pair of slippers he wore for seven years. Whenever a tear appeared in them, he would have it patched, till at last they grew very heavy, so much so that they became a byword.
It happened, one day, that he went into the glass market.
“Abu ʾl-Qasim,” a broker told him, “today a merchant from Aleppo has
come here with a load of gilded glass he couldn’t sell. Why don’t you buy it from him? I’ll sell it for you in no time. You’ll double your money with this.”
Abu ʾl-Qasim went and bought the glass for sixty dinars. Then he went into the perfume market, and another broker came up to him.
“Abu ʾl-Qasim,” the man said, “today a merchant came to us from Nasibin with rose water, but he was so eager to be gone that I was able to buy it from him cheaply. I’ll sell it to you, and you’ll double your money in no time.”
So Abu ʾl-Qasim bought the rose water for another sixty dinars. Then he filled the gilded glass bottles with the rose water and put them on the main shelf of his home.
After that he went to the public bath to wash.
“Abu ʾl-Qasim,” one of his friends there said, “I wish you’d change those slippers of yours. They’re as ugly as they could be, and, God be thanked, you’re a prosperous man.”
“You’re right,” Abu ʾl-Qasim said. “I’ll do as you say.”
Coming out from the bath, he put on his clothes, then saw a new pair of slippers next to his old ones. His friend, he thought, must have generously bought them for him. He put them on and went home.
But that new pair of slippers belonged to a judge who’d come to the bath. When he went out, he didn’t find his slippers.
“Has someone,” he asked, “put on my slippers and left his own in their place?”
They searched but found only Abu ʾl-Qasim’s old slippers, which they recognized at once. The judge sent his servants to search Abu ʾl-Qasim’s house, and they found the judge’s slippers there. The judge summoned him, had him beaten, then imprisoned him for a time and fined him some money, before finally releasing him.
Abu ʾl-Qasim left prison and took his slippers, feeling a furious anger against them. He went straight to the Tigris and flung them in. The slippers sank down into the river.
Then a fisherman came and cast his net, and the slippers came up in it. Seeing them, he recognized them and thought they must have fallen from Abu ʾl-Qasim into the Tigris. He took them to Abu ʾl-Qasim’s house but didn’t find him there. Then, looking around and seeing the window of the main room, he flung the slippers through it, and they hit the shelf where Abu ʾl-Qasim had put the gilded bottles with the rose water. The shelf gave way, the glass bottles fell and broke, and all the rose water spilled out.
When Abu ʾl-Qasim came back home, he realized what had happened. Beating his face, he burst into tears.
“Oh, my money,” he cried. “My money! This cursed pair of slippers has made me poor!”
With that he rose and dug a hole to bury the slippers once and for all. But the neighbors, hearing the sound of the digging, thought someone was trying to dig a way into their homes. They appealed to the governor, who summoned Abu ʾl-Qasim.
“How dare you,” he said, “dig tunnels into your neighbors’ homes!”
He imprisoned him and only released him after fining him some money. Once released, Abu ʾl-Qasim’s fury rose once more against his old slippers, and he took them to the latrine at the inn. But the shoes blocked the latrine’s pipe so that it overflowed, sending out a fearful stench. The neighbors, finding this intolerable, sought out the cause and found it was a pair of slippers, and, on examining them, realized they were Abu ʾl-Qasim’s slippers. They took them to the governor and told him what had happened.
The governor summoned Abu ʾl-Qasim, reprimanded and imprisoned him, and ordered him to repair the latrine. This cost him a good deal of money, and he was fined the same amount again by the governor before he was released.
Abu ʾl-Qasim came out of prison carrying his old slippers.
“By God,” he yelled, “I shall never part with these slippers again!”
He gave them a thorough wash, then put them on the roof of his house to dry. A dog saw them and, thinking they were a dead body, took them off to another roof. But the dog dropped them and they landed on the head of a passerby, wounding it badly. People examined the shoes and realized they belonged to Abu ʾl-Qasim.
They complained to the governor, who made Abu ʾl-Qasim pay the wounded man compensation and cover all his medical expenses. This exhausted the last of Abu ʾl-Qasim’s money, leaving him with nothing at all.
With that Abu ʾl-Qasim took the slippers, went to the judge, and told him their entire history.
“I ask,” he said, “that His Excellency the Judge should set down, on paper, that there is no connection between me and those slippers, and that, whatever they do, I am not to be made liable.”
The judge, laughing, gave him some money, and Abu ʾl-Qasim left.
From Luis Sheikho, Majani ʾl-Adab (The Harvest of Literature), 1889, vol. 3, in Qisas al-ʿArab (Stories of the Arabs), vol. 4, originally known to have been written by Taqiyy al-Din Ibn Hujja ʾl-Hamawi in the ninth century A.H./fifteenth century C.E.
58
The Party Crashers
[Baghdad apparently contained many professional gate-crashers, who gained a livelihood by attending gatherings uninvited and consuming the food there. The following episode provides an example of this.]
Darraj said:
As I was coming
from Baghdad, I happened to pass by a house where a big lunch party was evidently in progress. I saw the host inviting any man he didn’t recognize to climb a ladder to a furnished [upper] room. [Having added myself to their number,] I found myself among thirteen people. The host then pulled down the ladder.
The tables below were set for the feast, leaving my companions at a loss, not knowing what to do.
“We’ve never,” I heard them say, “known anything like this happen before!”
“Gallants,” I asked them, “what’s your line of work?”
“We crash parties,” they answered.
“And just what,” I asked, “do you intend to do now?”
“We can’t see any way out,” they said.
“Suppose,” I said, “I were to hatch a trick, and have you eat and be released, would you admit I was your master in party crashing?”
“And who are you, by God?” they asked.
“I’m Ibn Darraj,” I answered.
“We’ll admit it,” they said then, “even before you hatch your trick for us.”
With that I peered down on the host, as his guests were eating, and yelled out:
“You, the owner of the house!”
“What do you want?” he said.
“Which would you rather have?” I asked. “Will you bring us a big tray filled with food, and we’ll eat and go straight afterward? Or shall I throw myself down from this upper room? That way you’ll have a dead man leaving the house, and your wedding will be turned straight into a wake.”
As I spoke, I made as if to throw myself down.
“Wait!” he shouted. “Woe to you, don’t throw yourself down!” And with that he rushed off [to do as I’d said]. “He must be a madman!” I heard him say.
And so they sent up a big tray of food. We ate, and then we left.
From al-Khatib al-Baghdadi, Kitab al-Tatfeel wa Hikayat al-Tufayliyyin wa Nawadirihim wa Akhbarihim (Book on Party Crashing and the Stories of Party Crashers and Their Anecdotes); in Qisas al-ʿArab (Stories of the Arabs), vol. 4.
59
Me Too?
Abu ʾl-Hasan said:
There was a man in our town who sank so deep into debt that he had to stay inside his house to keep his creditors at bay. One of the creditors, though, who was owed a small sum of money, managed to get in to him.
“Suppose,” this man said, “I find a way for you to appear in public again, safe from your creditors? What will you give me?”
“I’ll pay you what I owe you,” the man answered, “and as much as you like on top.”
The creditor had to make pledges to reassure the man. Then he said:
“Tomorrow, before the time for prayer, tell your servant to sweep in front of your door and courtyard, lay mats on the floor of your shop, and put a recliner there for you to lean on. Then sit down and, whenever anyone passes and greets you, bark in his face. Don’t ever do anything more than bark, no matter who the person is. Even if your family and servants speak to you, or anyone else, your creditors included, just keep doing the same till you’re taken to the judge. When he talks to you, bark in his face as well, just barking, nothing else at all. When the judge sees how serious the matter is, he’ll be sure you’re touched in the head, and he’ll set you free.”
The debtor did as the man had advised him. His neighbor passed, and he barked in his face. Then another neighbor passed, and he did the same, just barking, nothing else at all. Others passed him, too; and then people seized him and took him to the judge. He did the same with the judge, who ordered him to be put in prison and had him watched. But he kept it up, barking and making not a sound otherwise.
When the judge saw this, he ordered his release and had him watched at his home. But still all he’d do was bark. Thereupon the judge, convinced of his state at last, ordered his creditors to stop harassing him.
“This man’s sick in the head,” he said.
The man stayed like this for a long time. Eventually the creditor who’d shown him the ruse came to ask for the money due to him. When, though, he spoke to the man, all he got back was barking.
“Woe to you, man!” he said. “Me too? When I was the one who showed you the trick?”
Still the man would say nothing, but just went on barking, till his creditor gave up and went off in despair.
From al-Jahiz, Al-Hayawan (Book of Animals), 2; in Qisas al-ʿArab (Stories of the Arabs), vol. 4.
60
A Quick-Witted Prisoner
Bakkar ibn Rabah said:
There was a man in Mecca who made arrangements for men and women to meet and provided them with drinks. He was duly reported to the ruler of Mecca, who banished him to Mount Arafat.
There he built himself a house, then sent for his old customers.
“What’s stopping you,” he asked them, “from going on just as before?”
“But how,” they answered, “when you’re living on Arafat?”
“Pay out two dirhams for a donkey,” he said. “There’ll be a safe haven, and a wonderful time, just waiting for you.”
So they started riding out to him, and he corrupted the morals of the people of Mecca. Once more he was reported to the ruler, who sent for him.
“Enemy of God!” he said. “I expelled you from God’s holy place. And now, with your corruption, you infect the most solemn place of ritual!”
“These people are lying,” the man replied.
“To prove what we’ve said,” the informants rejoined, “have all the donkeys in Mecca brought together, then send them off to Arafat with people you trust. If they don’t go straight to his house, out of all the houses there, then we’re in the wrong.”
“This will be a witness and a proof,” the ruler said.
The donkeys of Mecca were brought together and sent out. And they all headed straight for the man’s house.
“What more is needed?” the ruler asked. “Strip him.”
So they stripped him. When he saw the whips, he cried out: “Must I be flogged?”
“You must,” the ruler replied.
“By God,” the man replied, “the worst of all this is the way the people in Iraq are going to laugh at us. The people in Mecca, they’ll say, deal out punishment on the evidence of donkeys!”
And the ruler laughed.
From Ibn al-Jawzi, Akhbar al-Zurraf wa ʾl-Mutamajinin (Anecdotes of Humorists and Jesters), Damascus (from the copy in the Taimuriyya Library), A.H. 1347.
61
Al-Hajjaj and al-Muttalib
Abu Ishaq al-Juhaimi said:
Al-Hajjaj went out in disguise and, passing by al-Muttalib, Abu Lahab’s son, asked him:
“What can you tell me about al-Hajjaj?”
“May God’s curses descend on him!” al-Muttalib said.
“And when,” al-Hajjaj asked, “does he come out [among the people]?”
“May God cause his soul to come out from his breast!” al-Muttalib replied.
“Do you know me?” al-Hajjaj asked then.
“No,” said al-Muttalib.
“I am al-Hajjaj,” al-Hajjaj said.
“And do you know me?” al-Muttalib asked at once.
“No,” al-Hajjaj answered.
Al-Muttalib said:
“I am al-Muttalib, Abu Lahab’s son, known to be afflicted by madness three days in the month, and today is the first.”
Al-Hajjaj promptly left him.
From Ibn al-Jawzi, Akhbar al-Zurraf wa’ l-Mutamajinin (Anecdotes of Humorists and Jesters), Damascus (from the copy in the Taimuriyya Library), A.H. 1347.
62
A Cunning Marriage Broker
A marriage broker came to a man and said:
“I have a woman who’s like a spray of narcissus.”
The man married her forthwith, only to find she was old and ugly.
“You deceived me,” he told the marriage broker.
“No, by God,” she answered. “I didn’t. I said she was like a spray of narcissus, because her hair’s white,
her face is yellow, and her feet are green.”
From Ibn al-Jawzi, Akhbar al-Zurraf wa ’l-Mutamajinin (Anecdotes of Humorists and Jesters), Damascus (from the copy in the Taimuriyya Library), A.H. 1347.
63
Forgery on a Shaky Boat
I was told this story by Abu ʾl-Husain, son of the judge Ibn ʿAyyash:
One windy day in Baghdad, I saw a friend of mine sitting in a boat beneath the bridge over the river Dijla. He was writing there. “
What a fool you are,” I said, “writing while you’re being tossed about on a stormy day like this.”
“I’m about,” he said, “to forge a document, in the name of a quivering, tremulous man. I can’t use a steady hand to do it. And so I’ve chosen this place where the waves will shake the boat in the wind. They’ll whirl my handwriting around and make it as jagged as his!”
From Abu ʿAli ʾl-Muhassin al-Tanukhi, Nishwar al-Muhadara wa Akhbar al-Mudhakara (Snippets of Conversation and Memorable Tales), vol. 1.
64
A Tempting Wager
It has been told how a king offered a great sum of money as the price of a mare from the Arabian desert, belonging to a Bedouin. But the Bedouin would not sell. A basket weaver came to the king and told him: “Give a good sum of money to a man, to be handed over to me if I bring the mare. Then I will bring it.”
When this had been done, the basket weaver went off to see how the mare was being kept, and he found its owner had appointed a slave whose sole task was to take care of it. The mare was grazing close to him but was securely tethered. The basket weaver went and bought some tasty food, then, sitting down near a stream where the slave could see him, invited the man to come and share the food with him. The slave came and ate with him, and they began to talk together. After they had eaten, the basket weaver said:
“Will you make a wager with me about leaping this stream? Will you wager so many dirhams you can do what I can?”
Classical Arabic Stories Page 22