I Don't Want to Be Friends

by Camilla Isley

  Her last night in Cambridge was spent, as was tradition, with her roommates, swapping presents. They sat on the living room rug next to their plastic Christmas tree, each with two gift-wrapped bundles in front of them. Blue, Alice’s bunny, was comfortably snuggled under the tree, sleeping.

  “Should we take turns, or open them all at once?” Madison asked.

  “All at once,” Alice said.

  “Yeah,” Haley agreed.

  “Okay, ready… go!” Madison yelled, and the unwrapping frenzy began.

  Haley opened Madison’s present first. There was a book: The Night of Wishes by Michael Ende. Whenever Madison gave a gift, no matter the occasion, it was always a novel—to spread the book love—plus something else. Haley peeked at the first page to read the dedication:

  A Christmas story with a talking cat… to keep your mind off boys.

  Haley smiled and opened the second bit of the present. A brand-new phone case in a gorgeous shade of red. Haley’s old one was all battered and scratched.

  “Thank you, Maddie,” Haley said. “I love it.”

  “And I love yours.” Madison held up her “I read past my bedtime” throw pillow in front of her. It had a silver background made of an antique-looking calligraphy and the main writing was pink.

  “What did Alice get you?” Haley asked.

  “TA starter set,” Madison said proudly, showing off her new stationery supply kit. “I still can’t believe Professor McKenna offered me a position for next year.” Madison paused and chewed on her lower lip. “Now all I have to do is tell my dad I’m not going to law school.”

  “It’ll be fine,” Alice reassured her, wielding a rose gold makeup brush in the air, whose handle was in the shape of a mermaid tail.

  Once the various books, accessories, makeup tools, and house décor items were unpacked, Alice got up and asked, “Hot chocolate with marshmallows? Raise your hands if you’re in.”

  Two hands promptly shot into the air.

  Alice came back five minutes later with three steaming mugs in her hands. She handed them each one and then, teary-eyed, she said, “A toast.” She raised her mug. “Living with you guys has been the best… I don’t know where we’ll be next year… if we’ll keep living in the same apartment, or even in the same city. But I wanted to say you’re my best friends… and that’s never going to change… Cheers!”

  All three definitely shiny-eyed, they bumped mugs, yelling, “Cheers!”

  Haley sipped her hot cocoa and stared out of the window at the snowflakes lazily making their way to the ground, feeling overwhelmed by how much her life was about change… not just at the end of the year after graduation, but in a little over two weeks when she’d be back and ready to talk to David.

  Sixteen

  Scott

  “MOM!” David shouted from the top of the stairs. “Why is there a gym in my bedroom?”

  Scott and his brother had just gotten home early on Christmas Eve after a short—unfortunately, shared—car ride from Boston to Poughkeepsie. The four-hour door-to-door trip had been the most Scott had seen of David since he’d moved out of their apartment, and he’d already had enough. He’d considered taking the bus home, but then he would’ve had to explain to his parents why he couldn’t stand to be in a car with his brother, and that would’ve been even more unbearable.

  But at least it was going to be a short stay. The team had the last game of the year scheduled for the thirtieth, and Scott had claimed he had to be back in Boston on the twenty-seventh, meaning he would leave here the day after Christmas.

  When they’d arrived home, David had said a quick hello to their parents and then hurried up to the second floor, taking the stairs two at a time, to drop his bag. But now he was standing on the landing, arms crossed over his chest, looking at their mother with a questioning frown.

  “Oh, dear,” their mom—a five-foot-two woman nobody believed could’ve produced two such tall boys—said. “I forgot to tell you we’ve redecorated. You guys are in the guest room.”

  “Together?” Scott asked.

  “Yeah, you’re going to bunk together, just like old times.”

  Perfect, Scott thought, while trying to keep a straight face. Being under the same roof with David again would already be difficult, but to share a room would be… hell!

  He crept up the stairs carrying his duffle bag. First he checked his old room, hoping their mother had gotten confused and only David’s room had been re-purposed. But, no, as soon as he opened the door, that hope was lost. In place of his twin bed was a huge mahogany desk, and his old desk and wardrobe had been replaced by neatly organized bookshelves. The whole room held a distinct feminine vibe: pale colors, assorted flower pots, and medicinal herbs posters hung on the walls instead of his Metallica ones. So if David’s room had become a gym, his was now Mom’s home office.

  Sighing, Scott closed the door and headed for the guest room, taking in with grim resignation the matching set of twin beds on opposite sides of the room. The headboards seemed to have been laser cut in the middle and split in two, meaning the beds might be pushed together and become one, depending on the guests.

  David had already claimed the bed by the window.

  “I picked the window seat,” David said, turning as Scott dropped his bag on the free bed. “You mind?”

  “Whatever,” he said, and then got out of there as fast as he could.

  The house wasn’t big, but large enough that he could limit unnecessary David-interactions to a minimum. Scott only hoped his parents wouldn’t pick up on the lingering tension. More like parent, singular; his dad had never been able to read the nuances of his kids’ behavior. But Mom… she was a different animal.

  Dinner was painful to endure. They didn’t see their parents that often, so there was little chance they’d let them go quickly. Small talk and David’s presence had to be endured. Scott did his best to be polite and pretend he was doing great: in school, with the team… Luckily, no one asked about his non-existent girlfriend. Admittedly, he took a more passive approach to the conversation, answering questions directed at him and never initiating an exchange. But that was his all-out best.

  Hours later, in the dark of their shared bedroom, the oppressive silence made it clear neither of the two brothers was sleeping. When Scott couldn’t take it any longer, he asked, “So… you’ve seen Haley around?”

  David’s reply came pronto, proving he wasn’t sleeping, either. “I’ve seen her, but we’re not together if that’s what you’re asking…”

  “And by that, you mean not yet…”

  “She’s asked me for space, and I’m giving it to her.”

  “Real smooth, brother!”

  Scott heard his brother shift position in the darkness.

  “Instead of mourning the girl who doesn’t love you anymore,” David said, “why don’t you concentrate on the one who’s been in love with you all along?”

  “What girl? What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, you know. Tall, blonde, big blue eyes.”

  Scott stared at his brother’s dark silhouette, puzzled. “Who?”

  “Barbie librarian—does it ring a bell? Yes? No?”

  “You mean Madison? She isn’t in love with me, we’re just friends.”

  “Gosh, you’re even dumber than I thought,” David said mockingly. “Trust me, the girl’s a goner for you.”

  “You know what? I’m sleeping on the couch.”

  Without another word, Scott grabbed his pillow and comforter and headed downstairs. As he stared at the living room ceiling, he found he wasn’t able to shake David’s words off. Visions of blue eyes and blond hair kept swiping before his eyes. Her kind smile and cute freckles… Madison, in love with him? Was it possible? And, finally, one question above all the others…

  Do I want it to be true?

  ***

  The next morning, once everyone had cleared the kitchen after breakfast, Scott
stayed behind to help his mother with the preparations for the Christmas meal. It was their special “thing,” and Scott had missed the tradition last year. It had seemed worth it at the time, because he’d met Haley in Hawaii, but now the entire past year felt like such a waste.

  “And how have you been doing?” his mom asked after a while.

  He shrugged while peeling potatoes for the mash—she’d yet to promote him to more noble tasks like the stuffing of the turkey or the glazing of the ham. “I’m great, thanks.”

  “So is everything okay between you and your brother?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “Is that why you slept on the couch last night?”

  Busted.

  He’d gone back to their room before anyone in the house had woken up, and he thought he’d gotten away with it. But nothing escaped his mother.

  Scott kept quiet, so his mom continued. “I couldn’t help but notice you seem subdued, while your brother is trying hard to pretend he’s not out-of-his-mind-happy.”

  Damn, the woman had superpowers.

  “Am I getting close?” she asked. And when Scott still said nothing, she insisted, “Is it a girl again?”

  Scott startled at that. “What do you mean again?”

  “Oh, Scott, please. You think I’m such an idiot I can’t read my own two sons? It’s like David’s high school senior year all over again… Only the roles are reversed this time. He’s on cloud nine, and you’re pissed. Did David do something?”

  “David…” Scott desperately wanted to say ‘yes.’ But other than coming onto Haley, David had done nothing entirely shady. He’d made it very clear he wanted her and would do everything he could to get the girl. And as much as Scott sought to blame his brother for sending him to California, the truth was he’d wanted to go. And if all it took for Haley to stop loving him was for David to woo her, then maybe it was better they’d broken up now.

  Scott knew all of this in theory. But still, he couldn’t control the suffocating pain in his throat whenever he thought of her, or the sensation of his heart being ripped out of his chest whenever he imagined her with his brother. “He’s always been very upfront about how he felt for Haley.”

  “Are we talking about the brunette I met at the hospital?”

  Scott nodded.

  “So you’ve broken up?”

  “Yep.”

  “And now she’s with David?”

  “It’s only a matter of time.”

  Scott couldn’t anticipate what his reaction would be when it happened for real. As much as he hated himself for it, hearing David say they were not together yet had left him so relieved.

  “She seemed like a lovely girl,” his mom continued. “But I’m sure there are plenty of other girls out there who’d be more than happy to go out with you.”

  Madison’s face flashed before his eyes, but he shook the idea away. He wasn’t going to let David play mind games with him.

  “Maybe,” Scott conceded. “But right now it all seems pointless.”

  “Give it time,” his mom said, and steered him around to hug him. “It’ll get better, I promise.”

  Scott let himself be cuddled, marveling at how such a tiny woman was able to dispense so much comfort.

  After some rocking and gentle shoulder-patting, his mom sniffled and pushed back, saying, “Now, back to your peeling, you slacker. This dinner won’t prepare itself.”

  Seventeen

  Madison

  On Christmas Day, Madison and her parents arrived at the family’s country house in the early afternoon. The official dinner wouldn’t start until five, but it was tradition for the Smithson clan to gather ahead of time and chat while nibbling snacks—accompanied by bubbly, thank goodness—and to exchange presents before the main meal.

  Everyone was there: Vicky and her husband Robert, Ethan and Rose, a very pregnant Georgiana with Tyler, her aunt and uncle, her grandparents, and Uncle Frank—who wasn’t exactly a relative, but who participated in all family gatherings. He always ended up drunk and asleep sooner rather than later.

  Madison sat on an armchair strategically positioned so that her grandparents’ giant Christmas tree would shield her from her father’s view. She sank deep into the plush cushions and observed the rest of her family in silence, trying to avoid meeting anyone’s eye.

  Ethan, Vicky, and Rose were at the top of her no-eye-contact list. The three people who’d found her making out with Georgiana’s husband on her wedding day. Each seemed to regard her with either patronizing or disheartening attitudes. Rose was all kind smiles, and Madison appreciated Ethan’s girlfriend for the effort, but couldn’t help registering the lingering pity behind her dark eyes. As for Ethan himself, Madison didn’t dare look at him at all; he loved his sisters and was super protective of them, meaning that by extension he had to hate her. Vicky was the nicest, as usual, but still, Madison felt like blushing whenever their gazes crossed.

  Then she had to avoid Georgiana for the exact opposite reason. “Gigi” didn’t know about what had happened on her wedding day, and Madison dreaded her cousin would find out just by glimpsing into her guilty eyes. And even if that fear was absurd, it was wise to leave Georgiana alone under any circumstances. She was invariably nasty to Madison, and now that she was pumped full of estrogen, who knew to what new extremes she could go.

  And then there was Tyler, who Madison had to avoid at all cost for obvious reasons.

  Ah, and her father, who had just vowed a few hours ago to never speak to her again. Thinking about it, that could actually be a huge improvement. Better he never spoke to her again, rather than yell at her nonstop for being stupid, naïve, a hopeless dreamer, or regale her with the shouted version of the whole “if you want to live the life of a starving artist be my guest, but don’t expect to have access to my money while you play around with your stories instead of living in the real world” sermon.

  Yep. Her father hadn’t taken well the news of her refusal to apply to law school. And, true to expectations, he’d skipped the cajoling and bribing phases altogether to jump right into the classic Smithson-angry-dad-who-blackmails-his-kids-with-money power play.

  So Madison sat in silence in her chair, drinking more wine than she ate food, and watching the “Georgiana Show.” Her cousin was only ten days away from her due date and was talking about everything ranging from labor horror stories and delivery room breathing techniques, to diaper changing best practices, to a painfully detailed account of the nanny auditions she’d held so far.

  When she couldn’t stomach any more of it, Madison grabbed another flute of champagne and escaped to the veranda to have a moment alone. It was dark in here, the only illumination coming from the fairy lights strung all around the house and the bluish snow-reflected glow of the garden. At four thirty in the afternoon, it was already night time. But, between natural and artificial lights, her grandparents’ garden was well lit, and Madison could admire its snowy outline. Outdoor furniture, shrubs, flowerbeds, the pool… everything was covered in a thick coat of dusty snow, leaving only the silhouettes of what was lying underneath. If it kept on snowing, soon nothing would be recognizable anymore. The garden would transform into a white desert, with dunes and slopes forged by the strong wind that had been blowing on the outskirts of Boston since last week.

  A shiver crept down her spine; it was colder here on the veranda. The thick glass enclosing the room was not enough to keep out the freezing cold that was attacking the entirety of Northern America. Madison grabbed a blanket, wrapped it around her shoulders, and kept on staring out of the glass walls while sipping champagne.

  She was still contemplating the snow when the sound of footsteps startled her. Turning around, she was surprised to find herself staring into Ethan’s cold blue eyes. They held each other’s stare for an instant before Madison lowered her gaze to the floor, already blushing in embarrassment.

  “Oh,” Ethan said. “I didn’t think anyone would be h
ere. I needed a moment alone.”

  “I’ll get out of your way,” Madison promptly replied, dropping the blanket back on the couch and making a quick dash for the door.

  But Ethan grabbed her by the elbow before she’d cleared it. “Hey, you don’t have to go.”

  Now she was forced to hold his gaze, and she could read only disgust in his eyes. “Please, Ethan, no need to pretend. I know Vicky gave you the be-nice-to-your-damaged-cousin speech, but she isn’t here… so no need to pretend, really.”

  Ethan arched his brows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I see the way you cringe every time you’re around me. So let’s just avoid each other and not make this any more awkward than it needs to be.”

  Instead of letting her go, Ethan gently grabbed her by the shoulders. “Madison, I’m not mad at you. I mean, if I can stand to sit down at dinner with that prick my sister married—”

  “See, Ethan, that’s the problem. I don’t want anyone in my family to have to stand my presence.” She shrugged free of his grip. “So I’ll just go.”

  Ethan, however, didn’t seem so ready to let her go. He jumped backward and blocked her path to the door, saying, “That came out wrong. I’m not mad at you…”

  Madison just narrowed her eyes at him.

  “I know I scowl at you sometimes; Rose already chided me on that. But it’s because looking at you reminds me of what happened that day, and I get mad whenever I remember my sister is married to such a”—he growled, and flared his nostrils—“Anyway, Madison, we’re family. One mistake, or even a thousand mistakes, couldn’t change that.”

  Madison swallowed, all choked up. “Really?”

  “Come here.” Ethan pulled her into a tight hug. “Is this why you’re hiding out here?”

  “Yes, and no.” Madison sniffled, pulling back. “It’s mostly my dad.”

  “Why? What did Uncle John do?”

  Madison studied Ethan for a second before replying. Well, if there was another person in the family who could understand her, it was the other non-lawyer black sheep of the flock. So Madison opened up to him. “I told him I’m not applying to law school, and he didn’t take it well.”