by L.H. Cosway
I was feeling pretty stressed about the whole thing to be honest.
Mum was both my rock and my soft place to fall. I needed her to be okay.
When I stepped inside the house, it was quiet. I took a quick look around to check the progress and noticed one or two of Michaela’s things. Her silk scarf and long winter coat hung over the banister at the bottom of the stairs. I smiled to myself for no apparent reason, then headed upstairs to see if she was about. Her bedroom door was open, but the room was empty. I stepped just over the threshold, again feeling a sense of contentment to see her things here. Maybe it just felt nice that after being empty for months, someone was finally bringing a bit of life to the place.
Some people brought chaos to the rooms they inhabited, but Michaela brought a strange, orderly sort of peace. I could smell a faint hint of her orange-blossom-scented perfume and felt a weird tightening in my chest.
There was a stack of books by the futon, her suitcase open with tidy sections of folded clothes. Then I noticed some underwear peeking out, a lacy pair snagging my attention. Christ, James, get it together! To distract myself, I averted my gaze to the spines of the books she was reading; Seven Ages of Paris, The Hidden Life of Trees, Talking to Strangers. No one could say her interests weren’t varied. I checked out the renovations chart she’d made on the wall, impressed by how she’d managed to transform the endless list of tasks into a coherent, easy to absorb plan.
“Oh!” came a startled voice, drawing my attention. I turned to find Michaela standing in the doorway wrapped in a towel. And I thought her underwear was distracting…Her long, wet hair hung around her shoulders, her cheeks pink.
“Shit, sorry. I was just, uh…reading your chart,” I said, flustered and tongue-tied.
“Were you looking for me?” she asked, blinking up at me. Her arresting brown eyes were so open and sweet. Their effect on me was unexpected, like a gut punch.
I tried my best to keep my eyes firmly on her face. “Yes, I was. I just came to check on things, see how you’re settling in,” I replied, a frog in my throat. God, this was awkward.
She moved past me, stepping into the room. “I’m settling in fine.”
“Are you hungry?” I blurted. “I was thinking of ordering some food.”
“Oh, um, yes, I could eat. I’m just going to…uh, get dressed and then I’ll be right with you.”
I felt like bashing my head against the wall. What the hell was I doing still standing there?
“Right, yes, you get dressed. I’ll order the food. Do you like Thai?”
Her smile widened. “I love it.”
“Fantastic. Great. Okay, I’ll leave you now. Sorry again for surprising you.”
Michaela chuckled softly. “No need to apologise. This is your house, James.”
I nodded, not responding. Yes, this was my house, but technically this was Michaela’s private room, even if it was only temporary. I shouldn’t have been in here, but something had captured my curiosity, drawing me into her room without fully considering how it might come across.
Down in the kitchen, I ordered the food and did my best to set things up with what little was available. Two stools and a small foldout table. I’d gotten them so that the workmen could have somewhere to sit and take a break. I would’ve bought some proper furniture, but I knew better. Diana would want to pick out all that stuff herself.
I was still waiting for Michaela to come downstairs when my phone rang, my sister’s name on the screen.
“Shanise, hey,” I answered and was immediately met with sobs. My entire body stiffened. “Shanise? What’s wrong? What happened?”
“J-James, it’s Mum,” she said, her voice breaking. My throat started to close. No, no, no. “She had a stroke.”
All of a sudden my entire body felt too heavy, like I was being pulled down by some magnetic force.
“Where is she now? Did you call an ambulance? Are you at the hospital?”
“James.” The way she said my name told me everything I didn’t want to know.
“Mum’s gone, James,” Shanice whispered, and tears streamed all down my face.
I slid to the floor, my stomach hollow as my heart tried to crawl right out of my chest. I knew something bad was wrong with Mum. I sensed it in my bones, but she kept insisting she was fine, that her headaches were nothing serious. Why had I let her convince me? Guilt and regret and grief swarmed within me. I didn’t want to feel any of this.
How could she be gone? It didn’t make sense. I was with her less than two hours ago.
“Shan…I can’t.”
“Come to the house, please,” she said, her voice full of tears, just like mine.
I dropped my phone to the floor and put my head in my hands. This isn’t happening. Mum was only fifty-six years old. She and dad were the constants in my life. I didn’t feel like I could be me without her. I’d been with her today, hugged her, did my best to convince her to see a doctor. I had no idea that she’d be gone before the morning.
It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was dreaming. No, having a nightmare.
I was still crying when I heard footsteps pad into the room.
“James? What’s wrong?” Michaela lowered herself to sit beside me. She sounded completely shocked to find me on the kitchen floor in tears. “Are you okay?”
I didn’t have it in me to explain. She was warm and soft and I needed to feel close to someone. She let out a surprised squeak when I pulled her into my arms and buried my face in her neck. Everything about her was so incredibly comforting. She was everything I needed in that moment and my emotions were too fraught for me to properly make sense of what I was doing.
All I knew was that I didn’t want to let her go.
Nine
Michaela
What was happening?
I sat on the floor, holding James in my arms while he sobbed, no idea why he was so distraught, but I’d keep holding him forever if he needed me to.
He pressed his face into my neck, and tingles skittered down my spine. His piney scent filled my nose, while his large, muscular body completely surrounded me. I found myself rubbing his back in a soft, soothing motion, hoping it helped in some way.
“Mum passed away tonight,” he finally said, his voice choked.
A brick sank in my gut. Oh my goodness. Just like that, everything made sense. He’d mentioned his mum was unwell earlier today, but I had no idea it was so bad. A visceral, deep sympathy filled me.
“She had a stroke,” he went on.
“I’m so sorry, James,” I whispered, lost for words. I couldn’t even fathom what he was going through. I’d lost my biological parents to a car accident, but I’d been a baby, too young to have any real memories of them. Whenever thoughts of my adopted parents dying entered my head, I shoved them aside. Even the concept was too painful to contemplate.
Growing up with Dad, I was no stranger to death. I’d been to countless funeral services, feeling the sadness of those who’d lost loved ones as though by osmosis, but never being able to fully grasp their pain. Right now, as I sensed the grief in James, someone I had deep feelings for, was as close as I’d ever come to truly understanding.
James’ arms wrapped even tighter around me, and my stomach flipped. It was so strange to be this close to him, but at the same time, it felt necessary. He was simply another human being who needed comfort, someone to hold onto while his world shattered.
I broke for him.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed when he finally pulled away, his eyes bleary. It was so surreal to see him cry. James was always so together, so strong, but even the strongest had their breaking points. All I wanted to do was hold him, somehow take the pain away, but I wasn’t that person for him. I just happened to be the first one he saw after he found out his mother had died.
“I should call Diana,” he said soberly. He still looked like he’d been knocked down by a tonne of bricks, disoriented and dazed.
“Yes, call her,” I en
couraged and he went into the other room. I was still on the floor, a little shell-shocked and unsure how to act.
When James came back into the room, he still looked completely out of it. “I need to go to my dad,” he said.
He sounds so lost.
“Do you need me to drive you?” I offered and he nodded gratefully.
I took his keys and we headed out to his car. James gave me the address, and I typed it into my phone for directions. The drive was quiet, and I could tell he was lost in his head. I felt so useless, wishing I knew the right things to say, but I had nothing. Maybe Dad would know. He was always so good at comforting people during times of loss.
When we got to the house, James’ brother and two sisters were there. I didn’t see his dad, but maybe he was upstairs. I stood in the hallway, not knowing what to do. I was unsure if I should stay or leave when there was a knock on the door.
I answered it, and Diana swept into the house. She seemed a little surprised to see me, but she didn’t question it.
“Where’s James?” she asked frantically.
I gestured to the door of the living room. She went straight in, and again I was left standing alone. It was very late, but I was pretty sure I could get the bus back to the house. Leaving the car keys on the sideboard, I left quietly and went to find the nearest bus stop.
In the middle of the night, I got a text from James.
James: Where did you go?
Me: I came back to the house.
James: It was late. You should’ve taken the car.
Me: I got home fine. Please don’t worry about me. Your family needs you. x
***
The funeral was two days later. Leanne and Callum picked me up, and we went to the church together. Trev, Reya, Paul, Isaac, and Neil were already there when we arrived. I spotted one or two paparazzi across the street snapping pictures. James wasn’t hugely famous, but his mother passing away would still be fodder for the celebrity gossip sites, especially since all the cast was in attendance.
“This is so unbelievably sad,” Paul said. “I can’t imagine how James is feeling right now.”
“Fifty-six is so fucking young,” Trev said quietly.
“Has anyone spoken to him?” Reya asked and we all shared glances.
“I spoke to him a little,” Callum replied. “But not much.”
“Me, too,” Leanne added. “He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk.”
“At least he has Diana,” Paul said.
We all fell into silence then, a solemn atmosphere among us. I felt like we were all thinking of the people in our lives who we loved and how quickly they could be gone. Sometimes life decided to cut you with its sharp edges, and you had no other choice but to sit there and bleed.
“Come on, we’d better go inside,” Neil said, and we made our way into the church.
I spotted the back of James’ head where he sat with his family, Diana beside him. I hoped she was giving him the comfort he needed. I realised I wasn’t jealous of her. I was just glad James had someone to get him through such a tough time.
When the ceremony was over, we all filed outside and it appeared more paparazzi had gathered. When they spotted James and his family, they rushed across the street. Immediately, Callum and Trevor stepped forward.
“Come any closer and see what happens,” Callum warned, but they didn’t listen, continuing to snap pictures and shouting questions at James.
I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I moved on autopilot, sliding past Callum to stand before the five or six paps who’d gathered. “If you don’t mind, could you please move back across the street. This is a very sensitive and private time for the family and we’d really appreciate it if—”
“Get out of the way, lady,” one of them said, shoving me aside roughly.
A second later, James was on him. I was amazed at how he managed to move so fast. James gripped the guy by the shirt collar. “Get the fuck out of here now,” he growled.
The man’s face went pale as a ghost. I’d never seen James angry like this, every part of him coiled with tension that was ready to erupt. A second later, Trevor pulled him off the paparazzi and spoke quietly in his ear, calming him down as he guided him back toward his family.
James shifted out of his hold and came to stand in front of me. He rested his hands on my shoulders, his eyes wandering over me. “Are you okay?” he asked, dipping his head.
I was still a little in shock at how fast that escalated. James was the calm, mature, reasonable one. It felt wrong on many levels to see him react so violently. “I’m fine. Really. Thank you,” I whispered.
James nodded, then returned to his family. I mourned the loss of his warm hands on my shoulders, but I knew it was a selfish thought. I shouldn’t even be thinking that sort of thing, especially not at a time like this.
Diana eyed me as James went to her side. I looked away, unable to stand the scrutiny. Did she see something I hadn’t meant to show? Could she tell that my feelings for her fiancé ran far deeper than they should?
“I can have you charged for assault!” the pap shouted.
Callum shot him a warning look. “Quit while you’re ahead, mate.”
After they slithered back across the street, I went to go check on James, but my mouth wouldn’t seem to work. Our eyes met, and I saw his infinite sadness. Without thinking, I reached out and squeezed his hand. He squeezed back before letting go, and my hand dropped to my side.
Diana’s eyes narrowed on me again, icy cold. I swallowed tightly, feeling like she could see into my soul, could read all of the sinful thoughts I’d had about James.
After that, I said my goodbyes to everyone and left. The paps had backed off, and that was the main thing. Besides, James had Diana.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the other night when I held him in my arms. How could a hug feel so right when everything else in the world was falling apart? I hated feeling this way. I was torn apart, because James and I had formed a bond over the last few months, and even though it was wrong, there was an innocence to it. It was sad, because the kind of connection we shared couldn’t be put into words. It was simply something I felt deep inside me.
He didn’t need me hanging around, secretly pining. No, what he needed was for me to go back to his house and do the job I’d agreed to do for him. When it came down to it, I was his assistant, and he didn’t require anything deeper from me than that. The part of me that still had feelings for him hurt at the thought, but I had to accept it was the truth.
James already had his person, so the sooner I got over him, the better.
Ten
Michaela
Several weeks went by after the funeral. I threw myself into work, hoping that if I was constantly busy, I wouldn’t have to think about how much I missed James. Louis and I continued to text, but neither of us invited the other to meet. I suspected, despite us exchanging numbers, he was wary of me after my confession about having feelings for my boss. Personally, if I was him, I’d be running a mile.
James hadn’t been to the gym, and he hadn’t stopped by the house either. It felt unnatural to go so long without seeing him, but he was grieving. He needed time with his family. That was the most important thing right now.
These were the thoughts swimming around in my head when I walked into the gym on Thursday morning to find James running on one of the treadmills. It was both a shock and a relief to finally see him that I didn’t immediately notice something was off. He ran fast, his eyes dead ahead, not looking at anyone around him. In fact, the entire gym held a weird energy.
I went to join Leanne by the coffee machine. “What’s going on? Why is everyone acting so strange?”
Leanne stirred her coffee before putting the spoon down. “You haven’t heard?”
“Heard what?”
She sucked in a deep breath, her voice lowering to a whisper. “James broke things off with Diana, apparently only a day after his mum’s funeral. The entire wedding’s been c
ancelled.”
Just like that, my stomach dropped. So many feelings hit me at once as I tried to grasp what she just told me. “What? Are you serious?”
She nodded gravely. “He won’t talk to anyone except Trev and Cal. As far as I know, things really kicked off. He told Diana he didn’t want to marry her anymore, and she’s apparently gone off the rails.”
Wow.
This was…a lot to take in.
“What did she do?” I asked, frowning.
Leanne drew closer. “Don’t repeat this to anyone, okay? I only know because Cal went over to the flat to see how James was doing after the funeral. He walked in on a massive fight. Diana was throwing shit everywhere, wrecking the place. Cal said she tried to attack James.”
“She what?” I gasped.
“She pushed him into a wall, then slapped him across the face. That’s when Cal cut in and got James out of there. Crazy fucking bitch. I mean, I understand being angry, but getting physical about it is a no go. I don’t care if she’s a woman and he’s a man. It’s still domestic abuse.”
My throat tightened, my hands balling into fists as I listened to Leanne speak, my brain working overtime. My suspicions about her being a tad manipulative were one thing, but hitting him? The very thought made my blood boil. “I’m so angry right now.”
“You and me both. If Diana tries to show her face around here, I’ll fucking fight her. No way is she going anywhere near James.”
I was silent for a long moment, just wanting to go to him but remembering Leanne said he wasn’t talking to anyone. “Do you know why he called off the engagement?”
She shook her head. “No idea. My guess is his mum dying was the catalyst. Maybe he finally realised what a controlling bitch Diana is.”
“You think she’s controlling?” I questioned, blinking. So I wasn’t the only one to notice it?
“Oh, definitely,” Leanne affirmed. “I’ve known James and Diana as a couple for years. When that woman says jump, he says how high. Seems to me like he got sick of her bullshit once and for all.”