by TJ Klune
“I know,” Joe said quietly. “But for once in your life, just stop. Let us help you. You don’t have to be strong for us all the time. We need to be that for you now. We would do anything for you.” He sniffled. “You need to start remembering that you’re not alone. We need you just as much as you need us.”
I went to them then. I couldn’t not. They were ready for me, arms open wide. They surrounded me, my head against their shoulders, and they allowed me this moment. To break. To be tired. To wish that things could be different. Joe’s hand was in my hair, and Kelly was whispering in my ear, voice wet and cracked, saying he was still angry with me but that he was never going to let me go, that I was theirs, theirs, theirs, and it wasn’t just a matter of pack. “We’re brothers,” he said. “And no one will ever be able to take that away from us. Carter, don’t you see? We found you. We found you.”
They held me up as my knees gave out, and I knew no matter what happened next, I wasn’t going to be alone.
scar tissue/broken parts
Gordo stood in one corner of the cabin, Gavin in another.
They glared at each other, neither of them speaking.
They barely acknowledged us when Joe closed the door behind him. “Going well?” he asked.
“Heard every word you said,” Gordo grunted.
“Talking,” Gavin said. “Always talking.”
“It’s genetic,” Gordo said. “They never shut up.”
“Speaking of genetics,” Kelly muttered.
Gavin and Gordo turned their heads at the same time to look at him, eyes narrowed.
“We’re leaving,” Joe announced. “In the morning. All of us.”
Gavin snarled. Joe looked unaffected. He had the Zen Alpha bullshit going on, something he’d obviously learned from Ox. He repeated, “All of us.”
Gavin shook his head furiously. “Can’t. Stay here. Need to stay here.”
Joe said, “Do you know me?”
Gavin looked confused. “Joe. Alpha.”
Joe cocked his head. “Do you remember me from before? In Green Creek.”
“Yes.”
“And you remember the pack.”
He hesitated.
“Their names,” Joe said. “Tell me their names.”
He looked at me, but I didn’t speak.
Gavin said, “Joe. Kelly. Carter.” He sneered. “Gordo.”
Gordo rolled his eyes.
“Who else?” Joe asked.
“Stop.”
“Who else?”
Gavin backed away slowly, but he didn’t have far to go. His back hit the wall. He said, “Why?”
“Because I asked you,” Joe said. It was subtle, but I heard the deepening of his voice, the undercurrent of Alpha. His eyes remained blue, but it was undeniable.
“Mark,” Gavin said, and my heart lurched in my chest. “Tanner. Chris. Rico. Jessie. Bambi. Dominique. Elizabeth. She dances. She sings. I like it when she sings.”
“We all do,” Kelly whispered, and I took his hand in mine. He didn’t try to pull away, instead squeezing my fingers tightly.
“And?” Joe asked Gavin.
He shuddered like a tremor rolled through him. “Ox. Loud. Heard him. Alpha, but different.”
Joe nodded. “He is different. Alpha of the Omegas. Did you hear him above all others?”
Gavin shook his head.
“Who, then?”
He shook his head again.
“Gavin.”
“Carter,” he bit out. “Always Carter. Heart. His heart. It went—”
I said, “Thump, thump, thump.”
I could feel their eyes on me, but I only saw Gavin. He scowled. “Thump, thump, thump. Tricky heart. Makes me forget everything else.”
“Do you know why?” Joe asked gently.
“No.”
“I think you do.”
“No.”
“You want us to go away.”
“Yes.”
“To leave you here with your father.”
“Yes.”
Joe said, “Okay. We will. And we’ll take Carter away from you.”
And Gavin’s eyes filled with violet. His fangs dropped and his claws extended from his fingertips. He pushed himself off the wall, going for Joe. Before we could react, Joe sidestepped Gavin, grabbing his arm and twisting it behind him. Gavin struggled, but Joe didn’t let him go. He put his head next to Gavin’s, his nose near Gavin’s ear. He said, “Maybe the others can’t hear it. You’re good, Gavin. But I know when someone is lying, even if they’ve convinced themselves they believe what they’re saying.”
Gavin laid his head back on Joe’s shoulder, his throat bobbing. Joe let his arm go but didn’t move away. “It hurts. It hurts.”
“I know it does,” Joe said. “But there’s a way to make it stop. You trusted us once, I think. Even if you didn’t quite understand it, you did. You stayed with us. You lived with us. You made yourself a home. This place? It’s not where you belong. You don’t need to go this alone. You’re like Carter that way, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, thinking you’re doing the right thing. You’re not. It’ll crush you. Let me help you carry it. Let us do what we can to make it right. None of us want to leave you behind.”
Gavin looked at me, eyes still violet. I nodded at him.
He was confused. Unsure. I didn’t know what to say to convince him. We were close, I knew. So damn close.
It was Gordo who spoke next. “You trusted Thomas Bennett.”
Gavin closed his eyes. “No.”
“Okay,” Gordo allowed. “Trusted him enough to at least try to find him. That’s what Carter said, right? You went to Green Creek to look for Thomas.”
Gavin didn’t speak.
“You don’t have to trust us,” Gordo said. “Not yet, at least. But if you thought Thomas could help you then, you need to think about what we can do for you now. I don’t know you. But if you’re anything like me, you’re thinking it’s easier to do this on your own. It’s not. Believe me when I say that. I tried for the longest time, and I ended up wasting years. Thomas was to blame for a big part of that. He wasn’t perfect. He fucked up more than you know. But he loved us. He did what he thought was right. We’ve all had to a pay a price because of our fathers.” He pulled his sleeve back, revealing the scar tissue where the raven had once been. “Some of us more than others. Look at me.”
Gavin did.
“You see this?” Gordo held out his arm, his stump smooth. The lines and symbols carved into his skin were familiar, the roses blooming. He traced the scar tissue with his finger. “This is the price I paid. This is how our father was able to do what he did. A failsafe. I was only a kid when he had Abel Bennett hold me down. To take a needle and mark me. But it wasn’t just about the tattoos or the magic or me becoming a witch like him. He was planning, even then. In case something ever happened to him. It was dangerous, more than even he knew. He used me to bring him back to life. And it went too far. The bite from the Alpha mixed with Livingstone magic and it twisted him into what he is now. You may think you have something with him. You may think he cares about you. And maybe he does, in his own way, like he did with Robbie. But in the end, he’s using you. Just like he used me.” Gordo dropped his arm, covering up the scar. “I promised myself I would never allow it to happen again, to me or anyone else. So I had Aileen and Patrice burn it off. It hurt like hell, but I would do it again if I had to. Because that’s what you do for the people you care about. You give it all, and when it doesn’t seem like enough, you give even more.”
Gavin watched him for a long time before nodding slowly. “Mark.”
Gordo blinked. “What about him?”
“He was there. When the raven burned.”
“Yeah. He was. Even though I told him he didn’t have to be. He doesn’t… he doesn’t listen.”
“Like Carter.”
Kelly squeezed my hand again, but he didn’t have to. I knew what Gavin was implying. It was the
first time he’d done so, even if it was in a roundabout way. Gordo and Mark. He thought we were like them.
Gordo snorted. “Yeah. Stubborn assholes. But that’s the thing about the Bennetts. They get their claws in you and they’ll never let you go. They rip your skin, blood spilling out, but still they hold on. I tried to fight it. I don’t want to anymore. When we bleed now, we bleed together.”
Joe let Gavin go as he took a step forward. Gavin went to Gordo and stood in front of him. It was like looking at a fractured mirror. Gavin reached up, fingers shaking. He poked Gordo in the cheek, trailing his fingers along his nose between his eyes. Gordo didn’t move.
Gavin said, “I see me. In you.”
Gordo sighed. “I wish you didn’t. It’d make things easier.”
“Livingstone.”
Gordo shook his head. “Not anymore. Haven’t been for a long time. It’s just a name. It doesn’t define me. I know who I am. I’m a Bennett. And you can be too.”
It was profound, coming from him, this man who for so long had hated everything about who we were. And I never blamed him for that, not once I knew the truth.
Gavin said, “Bennett?”
Gordo nodded.
Gavin backed away from him.
I held my breath.
He looked at all of us, his gaze lingering on me. I didn’t turn away.
He said, “He’ll come. For me. For you. I hear him. In my head. He’s Alpha.”
“Your Alpha?” Gordo asked.
Gavin grimaced. “I… no. And yes. He needs me. I am his pack. He stays because I stay. He lives because I live. Takes from me. Makes him whole. Don’t remember much, but it hurts. Like knives in my paws.”
Jesus Christ. “That’s what he was doing to you. In the cave in the woods.”
He nodded miserably. “Monster. Beast. Like me.”
I couldn’t keep my anger down. “You’re not him. You’re nothing like him.”
“You don’t know. What I’ve done to survive.” There was something sour emanating from him. It took me a moment to realize it was shame. “Hurt people. Didn’t mean to. But I did. Monster. Same as him.”
“I don’t know that you are,” Joe said. “Do you want to hurt me?”
Gavin glanced at him. “Sometimes.”
“But not all the time.”
He shook his head. “Thump, thump, thump. Keeps it away. A drum. A song.” He started wringing his hands. “But sometimes I want you to bleed. All of you. Put my teeth in you. Bite you. Tear you. Monster.”
I wondered if one could love a monster. If it even mattered. Whatever else my father had done, he had never been malicious, had never done something so wrong he couldn’t take it back, even if it seemed like it at the time. Gordo knew that better than most. He understood absolution.
Gavin said, “He’ll come. No matter what. He’ll come for me.”
Gordo grinned, razor-sharp. “I’m counting on it.”
And that was when Gavin decided it was time to get naked. He dropped the shorts off his hips and stepped out of them.
“Jesus,” Kelly hissed. “Carter, you’re going to break my hand. Let me go!”
I dropped his hand, looking up toward the ceiling. “Sorry, sorry. Didn’t mean to.”
“Asshole,” Kelly muttered, shaking his hand. “And don’t think I don’t smell that. Now isn’t the time for you to get a boner over—”
I slapped my hand over his mouth. “Oh my god, would you shut up?”
He rolled his eyes. I grimaced in disgust and pulled away when he licked my hand, something he used to do when we were kids. He looked smug, and I never wanted to let him out of my sight again.
“What are you doing?” Joe asked Gavin.
“Shifting,” Gavin muttered. “Wolf.”
“Because it’s easier for you?”
Gavin started to shake his head but stopped. He glanced at me before looking down at the floor. “Yes. But not that.” He scowled again. “Carter said I be wolf and then act like I give a shit. About him.”
“Fuck,” I whispered. Then, “I didn’t mean that. I was pissed off.”
“I’m pissed off too,” Gavin said. He put his hands on his hips as he glared at me. “Thump, thump, thump. I hear it. So loud. Turn it down.”
“That’s not how it works. I told you that.”
“Why?” he said, and he was mocking me. “That’s you. That’s how you sound. Why, why, why.” He puffed out his chest and lowered his voice. “Turn into wolf, Gavin. Be human, Gavin. Put on clothes, Gavin. Answer stupid questions, Gavin.”
“That’s not how I sound!”
“I can’t believe we spent almost a year and drove thousands of miles just to watch you fail at flirting,” Kelly mumbled. He laughed when I punched him in the shoulder.
Gavin frowned. “Flirting. I’m not a girl.” He squinted at me before looking down at himself. I followed his gaze until I realized I was staring right at his dick.
“Gross,” Kelly said, nose wrinkling. “Seriously, man. I can smell that.”
“Shift or put on clothes,” I said, face hot.
“I see you naked,” Gavin said. “In Green Creek.”
“That’s not the same! And why the fuck were you staring at me when I was naked!”
He laughed then. It was like the first time I’d heard it, rusty and broken, almost like he was wheezing. But the corners of his eyes crinkled, his lips pulled back in an approximation of a smile, and I wondered how it could be this easy. That I could ever cause such a thing so simple and extraordinary as him laughing. Someone like him, more wolf than man, feral and dark, but he was laughing, and I didn’t want him to stop.
I said, “Please. Please come home. With us. With me.”
His laughter faded, as did his smile. “Home.”
“Yeah, home. Where we belong.”
“If I stay?”
I took a deep breath. “Then I stay too.”
Kelly started to speak, but Gordo shook his head.
“Why?” Gavin asked.
“You know why.”
He nodded slowly. “I don’t… know. How to be. Like this.”
“Human.”
“Yes.”
“That’s okay,” I told him, and I’d never meant it more. “If you need to shift, then do it. If you think you can stay as you are, then do it. I just… I like hearing your voice.”
He looked baffled. “You do?”
“It’s a good voice,” I said, and Kelly sounded like he was choking.
Gavin said, “I forgot. How I sound. Strange. It’s strange. Speaking. It’s hard. All jumbled.”
“It’ll get easier. I promise. I’ll help you.”
“Help me,” he whispered. He took a step toward me, and everything else melted away. He stood in front of me. He was shorter than me by a good few inches. I wondered what he saw when he looked at me, if he felt the same as I did. Confused. Terrified. Desperate. And I needed to make sure nothing could ever hurt him again. “You’ll help me.”
“Whatever it takes,” I promised.
He poked me in the chest. “Thump, thump, thump.”
I took his hand in mine and pressed it flat against my chest over my heart. He stiffened but didn’t pull away. “Whatever it takes,” I said again, and it was the truth.
He heard it.
His eyes widened, his fingers curling against me.
Then he said, “Home,” and I knew nothing would ever be the same.
HE LAY IN FRONT OF THE FIRE, shifted, his tail curled around him, his eyes closed.
“First thing,” Gordo said, sitting with his back against the wall. “We leave first thing.”
“He’s right,” I said. “Livingstone will know. He’ll come for us. To Green Creek.” Joe and Kelly were outside, the failing light coloring the sky in a bone-deep bruise.
“I know.”
“Can we stop him?”
“We don’t have any other choice.”
I nodded. “He’s… stuck in his
shift. Like Gavin was.”
“I don’t think he expected it when we came to Caswell. I think he thought he was almost immortal.”
“Because of what he did to you. The raven.”
“Something like that.”
“It’s not fair.”
He snorted. “That’s an understatement.”
I looked at him. “Tell me.”
“About what?”
“Home. Tell me about home.”
He said, “It’s cold. There was snow on the ground when we left, though not much. Your mother put up some Christmas decorations. I asked her how she could focus on something so trivial. She told me that she knew you were coming back. I don’t know how she knew, she just… did. She said you’d want to see it when you came back. That it would be a homecoming for you and Gavin. Ox helped. You know how he gets at Christmas. Like a little kid. Robbie enables him. You should see the shop. It looks ridiculous, all these lights and baubles.”
“But you don’t stop them.”
“No.”
“Why?”
He said, “Because it makes them happy. And I would never want to stop that.”
“Still bitch about it, though.”
He laughed. “I have a reputation to maintain.” He sobered. “It’s going to be rough. I won’t lie to you about that. But we’ll do as we’ve always done.”
“We’ll fight.”
“Yeah, Carter. We’ll fight.”
The door opened.
Gavin’s ears twitched.
Kelly came in, followed by Joe.
They looked at me.
“What?”
Kelly held out his phone.
The screen was lit.
A timer counted across the bottom.
And there was a single word on display.
It said Mom.
My chest hitched. “Is that….”
And through the speakerphone, she said, “Hello, my son. My love. My everything. Hello. Hello. Hello.”
I put my face in my hands and cried.
THAT NIGHT I SLEPT between my brothers, their bodies warm, their heartbeats familiar. I breathed them in, this scent of packpackpack, and for the first time in a long time, my dreams were green.
I awoke only once, late in the night. I looked toward the window. Gavin sat in front of it, staring into the dark.