by TJ Klune
I shook my head. “You guys can handle it. He came to you for a reason.”
He puffed out his chest, and I was helpless against the rush of affection I had for him. “Hell yeah he did. He knows who has the best taste in this pack.”
His eyes widened as Bambi shouted down the stairs, “Rico, I swear to god, there better not be snakeskin anything on him, you hear me?”
“Yes, my love!” Rico shouted back. “None whatsoever!” He lowered his voice. “It’s Bambi. Bambi has the best taste. Obviously. Look whose baby she just had.”
“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” I said.
Rico rolled his eyes. “It’ll be fine. You’ll see. Get him all done up so you can drool over him and pretend you’re not, even though we can all smell you. And seriously, that is not something I signed up for when I let Ox bite me instead of dying a tragic yet heroic death.” He grinned at me. “We’ll take care of him. We know how important this is for him, and for you.” He turned his head toward the ceiling. “Come on, guys! We don’t have all day!”
They reappeared down the stairs a few moments later, Gavin trailing after Chris and Tanner. He was wearing a pair of jeans I thought belonged to Kelly, cinched up with a belt. He had an old hoodie of mine, the strings frayed. His hair was pulled back and tied off with a purple scrunchie, one I’d seen on Bambi before.
I stood, back popping. Knowing everyone was watching or listening, I forced a smile. I didn’t want them to know how nervous I was about letting him out of my sight. I knew the guys would watch over him, but it didn’t feel like enough.
“Listen to them,” I told him, pulling at the hoodie unnecessarily. “And don’t growl at people, especially if you’re going a couple of towns over. They don’t know about wolves. Not like Green Creek.”
He batted my hands away with a scowl. “I know.”
“And don’t flash your eyes.”
“I know.”
“And—”
“Carter.”
I sighed. “Just… if you need me, you call me, okay? No matter what. I’ll come running.”
He squinted at me. “Take a truck. Faster.”
Jessie coughed, and it sounded suspiciously like laughter.
“Whatever,” I muttered. “Go on. Get outta here. I’ll be here when you get back.”
He nodded and started to step around me. He stopped before grabbing me by the hand and pulling me into the kitchen. He didn’t let me go as he turned to face me. He looked down between us at the floor. His hair was wet. He must have dunked his head in the sink. “Okay?”
“I’m fine. You don’t—”
He shook his head. “Not that. I’m okay? I can do this?”
“You can do anything you want,” I told him.
“Can’t piss on Gordo’s floor.”
“Well, no. I mean, yeah, you can, but you shouldn’t. But this? Definitely. You can do this. And you asking is a good thing. I’m proud of you, dude.”
“Don’t call me that,” he grumbled, but his lips were quirking.
“Hey.”
He looked up at me. “What?”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
I shrugged because I didn’t know. “Everything, I guess.”
And oh, there was his smile. There it was, bright and warm, and I wondered if this was what it felt like to stare directly into the sun. “Thump, thump, thump.”
“Thump, thump, thump,” I agreed. I jerked my head toward the living room. “Go on.”
“Call you if I need you,” he said, sounding determined.
“Yeah. But I don’t think you will. Big bad wolf, but a good human. You’ll be all right.”
I was stunned when he raised our joined hands to his lips. He kissed the back of my hand. And then he was gone, as if he hadn’t just devastated me. As if he hadn’t just rocked me down to my foundation. I stood there, the morning sunlight pouring in from the window above the sink, motes of dust swirling in the air, listening as he followed Chris and Tanner and Rico out the door.
THEY WERE FOLLOWING ME.
They tried to hide, but I was their big brother. I would know the sound of them anywhere.
The air was cold as I walked along an old dirt road. The deciduous trees were bare, the conifers green, their scent sharp. Patches of snow lay in the shadows where the sunlight couldn’t quite reach. The sky was blue, though clouds hung over the horizon.
Kelly and Joe kept their distance. They didn’t speak. I thought about calling them out, letting them know I knew they were there. I didn’t. They’d join me eventually, especially when they figured out where I was going.
It didn’t take long.
In the distance, a covered wooden bridge appeared, rising up over a small creek bed. A thin crust of ice lined the edges of the creek, the water bubbling over the rocks. It was only going to get colder. Soon enough it would freeze over completely.
I stopped a few yards in front of the bridge.
I looked at the plaque fixed to the entrance.
Six words.
May our songs always be heard.
“He would have loved this,” I said quietly. “This little thing.”
Silence.
Then, “You think so?”
Joe. I nodded but didn’t turn around. Gravel crunched under their boots as they walked toward me. I rubbed my hands together to warm them.
Kelly appeared on my right, Joe on my left. They pressed against me. They each took one of my hands, holding them between their own. I was tired, but it was a good kind of tired. Not like when I was on the road, my sleep fractured by nightmares that felt too real.
“When did you know?” Kelly asked. “That we were following you.”
I laughed quietly. “Right away. You’re both loud. Always have been.”
“I told you,” Joe mumbled.
“I’m a Beta,” Kelly retorted. “You’re an Alpha. That’s all on you.”
“Oh, bullshit. You’re older than me, you should have—”
I said, “He would’ve loved it, but not necessarily about it being for him,” and they fell quiet. I looked at the words carved into the metal. “It’s like the little wolf on the sign for Green Creek. It’s a secret.”
“He did like his secrets,” Kelly said, and I winced at the bitterness in his voice. I couldn’t blame him. I’d thought the same thing time and time again. “Gavin. Ox. Gordo and his tattoos. Richard Collins. It makes you wonder what else he knew and didn’t tell us.”
“He had his reasons,” Joe said, but I didn’t think he believed his own words. “And maybe we won’t ever know what they were, but I don’t think he did it to hurt anyone.”
“Even if he didn’t mean it, it still happened,” Kelly said.
I sank to the ground. They came with me, all of us crossing our legs. Our knees bumped together, and they didn’t let go of my hands. We huddled together. Their warmth chased the worst of the chill away.
I said, “I saw him.”
Joe hung his head. “Where?”
“In the woods. Before you and Kelly showed up. I was lost. Hurting. Slipping. I don’t know if it was part of my head being fucked or… something else. But I saw him. And he told me to howl as loud as I could. And I did, because he was asking me to, and I would have done anything for him.”
“We heard you,” Kelly whispered, laying his head on my shoulder. “It was big. I felt it in my bones. I ran as fast as I could.”
“You found me.”
Joe said, “We knew we would. I don’t know if I can explain how we knew, but we did. It was… different. There. More different than any other place we’d looked. We got to the house and we smelled your blood mixed in with all those hunters, and for a moment I thought we were too late. I thought you were—” He choked. I squeezed his hand. He cleared his throat and said, “But I knew. Once I pushed the stench of blood away, I knew. We both did. Gordo too.”
“I’m sorry,” I said roughly. “For that. For everything.”
<
br /> “We know,” Kelly said. “It’s in the past. I’m still mad at you, but you’re here now. That’s what’s important.”
“Truth,” I whispered. “The truth is important.”
Joe said, “What? What are you—”
“I lost you,” I said, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But he needed to hear it from me. And I needed to tell him. “I don’t know if you remember. But it was my fault.”
He was watching me, but I couldn’t look at him. “What are you talking about?” he asked slowly.
“In Caswell,” I said through gritted teeth. “You were—I was supposed to be watching you. Dad told me to. I was with my friends. I thought you were annoying. You begged for me to wait up, that we were going too fast. But I didn’t. I kept on going. And then I couldn’t hear you anymore, and I was relieved. It was small and quick but I still felt it.”
“Why?” Joe asked. There was no censure in his voice, no anger.
“Because you were the little king. You were so important. Dad was always telling everyone how you’d be Alpha, that you were born to lead. That you’d become something great, and even though I told myself I didn’t care about that, I did.” My face burned with shame. I blinked rapidly. “It wasn’t fair of me to be like that.”
“You were a kid,” Kelly said. “You couldn’t—”
I shook my head. “I was the oldest. I am the oldest. It was my job to protect you. And I… I failed.” The last word broke. I tried to recover. “I thought it didn’t matter. That Joe would run home and tell Dad how I’d ditched him, and I’d roll my eyes because the little king was telling on me, and Dad would get mad, and I’d think, there, little king. Are you happy? Are you happy now?” I hung my head. “I hated myself for feeling like that. It wasn’t your fault. You had no choice in the matter. And then you were just… gone.”
Joe let my hand go. I thought he was angry. I thought he would rage at me, scream with his eyes flooding red, his Alpha voice rolling over me.
He didn’t.
All I felt from him was blue.
He touched my ear. The side of my face.
He said, “I think Dad might have loved Richard. More than just as pack. More than friends.”
Kelly inhaled sharply.
“I don’t know that for sure. I don’t have any proof. But I think he did. He loved Mom, completely and fully, and she was his mate, even if he didn’t really like that word.” He pressed his hand against my chest, pushing me onto my back on the ground. My coat was thick, but I could still feel the cold seeping in. Joe turned, pointing his legs away from me, laying his head on my stomach. Kelly curled in the crook of my arm, his face against my throat. Joe said, “I asked Mark once if he was ever jealous of Richard. For being Dad’s second when it could have been him. You know what he told me?”
“What?” Kelly asked.
“He said he was hurt by it at first. But then Dad came to him and told him that it wasn’t meant to be a slight. He said that they were brothers and that nothing could ever come between them. Mark didn’t understand it right away. But I think he saw it. Dad and Richard. And he hates himself sometimes for not seeing Richard for what he truly was. I think about that a lot. How they could have been so blind. But then I remember that they’d just witnessed the slaughter of their pack. How Robert Livingstone had leveled an entire block because his wife had just murdered his tether. And then it makes sense to me. You hold on to what you can when all is crumbling around you, even if it’s poisoned and dark. It’s all you know.” He turned his head against my stomach, breathing me in. “Can you imagine what that must have been like for him? To be betrayed like that. To have someone like Richard strike so close to home.”
“It’s not an excuse,” Kelly said, and he was angry. “He should have known. He trusted too easily. Michelle. Richard. Osmond. All of them.”
“He tried to see the good in people,” Joe argued. “He was an Alpha.” Then, “I remember, Carter. I remember it all.”
I couldn’t speak. The lump in my throat was too large. A bird flew high above us, its wings black against the sky. It sang a lonely song as it passed in front of the pale moon.
“I don’t blame you,” Joe said. “I never have and I never will. You didn’t know. How could you? None of us did. And that’s not our fault. We were kids. We shouldn’t have had to worry about monsters. About being taken to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and having my body broken again and again and again.”
I put my hand on the side of his head, my fingers trailing over his lips.
“I have these scars,” Joe whispered. “Except I’m a wolf, so they’ve healed. But I know. I feel them. We all have them. If we were human, we’d be covered in them. I think about that all the time. How we’d look if everyone could see the map of our lives etched into our skin. But they’re hidden.” He kissed the tips of my fingers. “Because we have to be strong. That’s who we are. And I don’t think that’s always fair.”
I said “Joe” and “Oh my god” and “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” he said. “When Dad found me, when he picked me up and promised me nothing would ever hurt me again, I remember thinking through the haze he couldn’t know that. It wasn’t a lie, but it felt like a promise he couldn’t keep. And even though I was locked away in my head, even though I couldn’t speak, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see you. The both of you. Because I was safe when I was with you.”
A tear slid down the corner of my eye, catching on my ear. “I….”
He said, “It wasn’t your fault. He would have taken me one way or another. You can’t blame yourself for something he did. But you do, don’t you? Every day. It’s why you went after Gavin like you did.”
“Maybe,” I whispered.
“I get it,” he said. “We’re lost without a connection. We’re wolves, but it’s still what makes us human. Not necessarily a tether, though I think it’s close.” He shook his head. “I was jealous of the two of you.”
“You were?” Kelly asked. “Why?”
I felt Joe nod against my stomach. “I didn’t care about being an Alpha. It didn’t matter to me. I just wanted to be a little brother. I didn’t want to sit in the middle of nowhere and listen to Dad go on and on and on about what my life was going to be like. What I was going to do. Who I was going to be. I didn’t have a choice. This was the way things were supposed to be, and I… wished it was someone else. Anyone else. Even when we came back here, and even when I found Ox, I wondered what it’d be like if I was someone else. Anyone else. Without the title. Without the weight of expectation. Without the name.”
Kelly said, “A rose by any other name,” and it was like we were kids again, it was like we were cubs, and it was all inevitable even if we didn’t know it.
Joe said, “I could just be this little kid with a crush on an older boy who was bigger than all the world.”
Oh, the dreams we’d shared. How close his were to my own. “Candy canes and pinecones.”
He chuckled. “And epic and awesome. A tornado. That’s what he called me. A little tornado, and I think I loved him for it. Even then. Because he knew nothing about wolves, about the scars he couldn’t see. And even when he did find out, it didn’t matter to him. I think Dad could see that. Could see through to the heart of him. Ox isn’t like anyone else.”
“Why?” Kelly asked. “What did Dad see in him? I saw it too, but I couldn’t find a name. I didn’t know what it meant. I still don’t. A human Alpha. A—”
“A unifier,” Joe said, and I felt a chill race down my spine. “I think that’s the best way to describe him. Somehow he can make tethers out of nothing and repair the bonds that already exist. I don’t know if it’s magic or something else entirely. I don’t think that matters. He picks up the broken pieces of us all, and even though he knows they won’t fit back together the way they used to, he can still make a recognizable shape. And it’s enough. We’re strong because we have ea
ch other, but it’s more because we have him.”
“Werewolf Jesus,” I said, and my brothers laughed.
“There’s no one like him in the world,” Joe agreed. He grew quieter. “And I still hate myself sometimes for bringing him into this. Without a choice. He lost because of us. Maggie. She was innocent. And we took her from him, even if we didn’t raise our claws to do so. He has scars too. More than I ever want to think about.”
“He would have followed you regardless,” I said. “Joe, you have to know that.”
He sighed. “I know. He’s said as much. And that it wasn’t my fault. Or Dad’s fault. It was Richard’s. And Robert Livingstone’s. And Osmond’s and Michelle’s and Elijah’s and on and on. And I hear him. I do. But I can’t help but think what if? What if we weren’t who we are? What if we were just… someone else. Without the name. Without the crown.”
Here, Gavin whispered in my head. Name doesn’t matter here. No crown. No roses. Just… you. Just Carter.
“Who would we be?” Kelly asked.
Joe shrugged. “I don’t know. Whoever we wanted to be. A wolf. A human. Something else entirely. We wouldn’t have to suffer over and over again because of the blood in our veins. I’m the Alpha of all. I’ve been preparing for it my entire life. I understand its importance. But when I was standing in front of the people of Caswell, when they were looking to me to guide them, to lead them as their home crumbled around them, all I could think was that there had to be more to this life. There had to be someone else who wanted this more than I did. Someone who would do good. Who would be the leader they all wanted. The savior they were so desperate for.” He laughed again, but it was hollowed out. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Anything,” Kelly whispered.
“Anything,” I agreed.
Joe said, “I wonder what would happen if it ended. Our name. If we let it die out. If we were to just… let it go. We would have each other. Wouldn’t that be enough? I mean, look at us. We’re literally the queerest pack in existence. We have Joshua, but he’s not a Bennett, at least not in name.”
“He’s still ours,” Kelly said.