by Beck, J. L.
Something soft touches my arm, and I have to force the memory of Harper’s gentle touch out of my brain. When I turn to see whose hand is on my arm, I find a petite blonde. Not Harper. Her fingers meet my skin, sending lightning bolts of both dread and excitement through my body. I hold on to the latter, and shove the first one down, burying it deep inside my chest.
“How much for a private dance?” I let my gaze trail down her barely dressed body. She’s wearing some lingerie that leaves very little to the imagination. In fact, one of her nipples is actually peeking out on one side. Classy. Then again, who am I to complain? I came here to get wasted and fuck some bitches.
“How long would you like your dance to be?” she asks, trailing her hand up my arm and over my shoulder. Her fingers feel like acid on my skin, but I don’t care… anything to get rid of her memory, of her stupid voice in my fucking head.
“Maybe three or four songs long? Depending on how tight your pussy is.”
The chick’s eyes light up, and not surprised in the least by my proposition. These girls will do anything for money. “For you, three hundred.”
“Perfect! Let’s go then,” I tell her, gesturing with my hands, “lead the way.”
She grabs my hand and starts pulling me away. I almost trip over my feet as I glance back at Cameron one more time. He gives me a disapproving look but is smart enough not to say anything. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be in love and have everything fall apart. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have the woman of your dreams become exactly what your father said she would be. Jokes on her though. I’m going to follow through with my threat this time. I’m going to destroy her, ruin her until she’s nothing, just a speck of dust.
Like a puppy, I follow the blonde to the back hall. She doesn’t walk very fast on her five-inch clear high heels, so I take the time to stare at her ass while I trail behind her. It’s not as full and nice as Harper’s ass, but it will do. Ugh, I really need to get her out of my head. Maybe fucking this chick will help, then again, if it doesn’t, there are plenty more women in this place.
Leading me into a small room, she switches on a dim light before closing the door.
“Sit down, sweetie.” She motions toward the only chair in the room.
“Don’t call me, sweetie,” I growl at her as I take a seat.
“Okay, what would you like me to call you?” she asks while reaching back and undoing her bra. Her tits spring free, bouncing a little as she takes a step toward me. They’re nice, but again, they aren’t Harper’s. The thought infuriates me, and I squeeze the arms on the chair to stop myself from lashing out.
“Don’t call me anything…”
“Okay.” She closes the distance between us and drops down to her knees between my legs. Her fingers flick the button on my jeans, and she is about to take my still flaccid dick out when the door suddenly flies open.
What the fuck?
The girl jumps back, and we both look up at who has come to interrupt us. I swear to god if it’s Cameron… For a split second, all I see is Harper standing in the doorway, but quickly realize it’s Valerie. Sweet, good, Harper would never step foot in a place like this.
“Candy, out!” she yells at the chick on her knees.
“What the hell, Val?” Candy squeals.
“Yeah, what the hell, Val?” I repeat. “Go find someone else’s dick to suck.”
“Warren, I wouldn’t suck your dick if you offered me 10k.” Yeah, right. I bet she’d do it for half of that. “Seriously, Candy. Get out. That’s my cousin’s boyfriend.”
Candy shrugs, “So, everyone in here is someone’s boyfriend. Never stopped you before. Plus, he’s a paying customer… my paying customer.”
Valerie’s gaze turns murderous, “Out!”
Candy jumps again, a trickle of fear in her eyes. Valerie takes a step toward her, fists clenched like she’s ready to throw down. Shit. I want to see this.
“Fine,” Candy throws her hands up in the air. “But you owe me, Val. This is fucked up, and you know it.” She gets up from the floor, taking her bra with her, and leaves the little room. The door slams shut behind her, and Valerie crosses her arms in front of her chest, looking like she is about to give me a lecture.
God, please, save me. Harper just told me she might be… I swallow the thought down. Fuck, no. I’m not thinking about that right now.
“I’ll give you five hundred bucks if you don’t say whatever you are about to say and let Candy back in here,” I offer, and I can see Valerie thinking about it. She wants the money, but for once in her life, her conscience wins. Fuck, of course, that has to be now. I’m about to double my offer to see how far this will go when she cuts me off before I even start talking.
“I don’t want your rich boy money. I want to know what the hell is wrong with you? What did Harper ever do to you for you to treat her like this? I’m not the best person to her myself, but fuck, you really top it all. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve how you treat her.”
“How I treat her? What about how she treats me?” My anger is growing, becoming harder and harder to ignore. If Valerie wants a fight, then we’ll have one. She doesn’t know all there is to know about Harper.
Valerie rolls her eyes at me. “When did Harper goody shoes ever treat anyone wrong, especially you. She basically worshiped the ground you walked on and even after you pulled that stunt three years ago, she somehow forgave you. Now you fuck up again?”
Unable to sit here and listen to her talk down to me any longer, I shove to my feet. A wave of nausea hits me in the gut, but I ignore it.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what she did! You must have known,” I accuse her. “Your families are close, there is no way she kept that secret from you.”
Valerie looks at me like I’ve grown a second head, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“The fucking abortion! I know she got it. She told me she wanted to wait to have sex, and then she fucked someone else and got herself pregnant.” Even saying the words out loud hurt. It’s like the pain will never ease, and I suppose it won’t not now that she’s in the same position all over again.
Valerie’s eye go so wide they are basically round now. She shakes her head and covers her gaping mouth with her hand.
“Don’t act so surprised. As if you didn’t know.”
“Oh god, Warren. You think Harper got an abortion? That’s why you sent them away? Why you treated her so badly? Shit, shit, shit! This is all my fault.” Valerie starts crying, and that’s when I really can’t handle this anymore.
“Fuck this,” I say, pushing past her. I need some air, I can’t fucking breathe in here. Everything is happening so fast, and it feels like I’m reliving that day all over again. Moving to stand in front of me, Valerie blocks my exit.
“Warren, I got the abortion, me.” Valerie points at her chest. I stare down at her, trying to comprehend what she just said. “I used Harper’s insurance because I didn’t have any, and we looked so much alike on our ID’s, so…” Valerie continues rambling on, but all the other words fade to the background when the truth is revealed.
“You… you got the abortion… not Harper?”
She nods, “Me. I got the abortion. God, Warren, Harper was still a virgin when she came here. She never cheated, never got pregnant, she never did anything wrong.” I can feel the guilt in her words and see it on her face, but it’s nothing compared to the agony, the pure hate I have for myself. My own personal guilt that engulfs my body.
Even with all the alcohol coursing through my veins, I feel as sober as a motherfucker, Valerie’s confession shining a light on one of the darkest days of my life.
“Fuck. I fucked up.” I tug at my hair in frustration. “Harper told me she might be pregnant, and I told her to get an abortion. I was so fucking angry and upset over our past, and my father pressuring me and talking shit about her.” Stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. If I could kick myself in the head right now, I would.
Someone should kick my ass for me.
“Warren,” Valerie scolds, “you’re a fucking asshole. Leave, go find her, apologize, grovel, do whatever you have to do, but make it right.”
It hits me then. A knife slices through my heart, cutting the tender muscle, each thump hurts a little more than the next as I realize I may have lost her forever. “I don’t know if I can fix this, Val. I don’t know if there is any coming back from the things that I’ve done.”
Valerie’s hand comes out of nowhere and lands heavily on my cheek. My face turns to the side, the sting of her palm is like ice water pouring down on me. “Snap out of it. Go and find her and fix this. She loves you and I know you love her. Make things right, because after what you just told me, I won’t be able to face her again unless you do.”
I nod, knowing what I have to do.
It was all a lie.
The abortion.
The cheating.
I’ve broken her heart twice now and done some horrible things to her. I want to fall to my knees and pray that she listens to me when I tell her it was all a misunderstanding, but if I were her, I wouldn’t ever forgive me. I don’t deserve her, after everything I’ve said and done, I deserve her hate, and yet, my heart beats only for her.
Maybe she can forgive me, but forgetting all the things I’ve done and said to her…
No, no one could do that.
41
Harper
My one suitcase sits fully packed in front of me as I wait at the bus terminal to go back to my parents’ house.
I wish I had another place to go, somewhere else to run to, but there is nowhere. I need to go home and explain to them how I managed to throw my entire life away. Every chance of a successful career, gone. How am I going to go to college now? No money, no home, and now a child to take care of? I can’t even take care of myself. This is… a nightmare, a true, living one.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have trusted him again? How could I get pregnant by a monster?
Why don’t you get an abortion?
His words hurt more than anything else. What would compel him to say something like that? Warren can be a horrible person, vicious and mean, but never did I think he would say something so dark and cruel.
Especially not about something that is half his, and part of both of us. What would make him ever think I would get an abortion and kill a life that belongs to us.
The sound of the bus approaching fills the streets, and I turn my head to see it heading toward me. Getting on my feet, I pull out the handle on my suitcase, so I can pull it behind me. I take about two steps toward the curb when I hear someone calling my name.
What the—
“Harper!”
I twist around to find Warren running down the sidewalk, his arms raised, his hands waving back and forth as he tries to get my attention. Bitter anger pulses through my veins. Shaking my head, I turn back and start walking to the approaching bus. It’s too late. I can’t and won’t talk to him. Maybe someday, but not today.
“Harper,” he yells again just as the bus stops, its doors opening. I’m about to step on, but my foot has barely left the ground when someone pulls me back. I try to shrug him off, but his hands are firm on my shoulders. I can feel myself melting into his touch. I want to give in, to let myself fall for anything and everything he says, but he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want me. It was all a mistake.
“Please, just let me explain. I’m so sorry, I fucked up. I thought you cheated on me and got pregnant by someone else.” He pants.
Turning to face him, I can’t hide my anger and sadness from him. His eyes are bloodshot, and though he smells like a liquor cabinet that’s been spilled over, he seems sober. “Are you fucking serious right now? When the hell was I supposed to be with someone else? We’ve been together day and night for the last few weeks.”
Warren shakes his head, his chest is rising and falling so fast I worry he might be having a heart attack, “Not now, then… three years ago. I saw the doctor’s bill with your name on it. It said abortion, and I thought…” I try to digest what he’s saying, but I’m too angry, too sad, my give a shit is busted. Nothing can change what we’ve become.
“You thought I cheated on you and got an abortion? What is wrong with you? Do you know me at all? Why didn’t you come talk to me? Why did you believe it in the first place? You should know that I would never do anything like that! I loved you, and you treated me like I was nothing to you time and time again.” The words pour out of me. I struggle to take a breath in between.
“I’m sorry…” The words fall from his lips with ease, and I can see the guilt and shame in his features, and still, I don’t care.
“I’m sorry is not good enough. This is not something I can just forgive. I can’t forget the words you said to me earlier, and I don’t know if I ever will. I would never get an abortion, but don’t worry, you don’t have to be a part of our lives. I don’t want your money, and I certainly don’t want you.”
He staggers back like I just hit him in the face. “You don’t want me?” He blinks as if he’s unsure of what I just said.
Swallowing down the pain in my chest, and the thousand and one other emotions, I nod. “Right now, no, and maybe not ever. You had your chance, and you destroyed me, us. You took something beautiful and ruined it.”
“I’m sorry, Harper. I’m so sorry. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do. I can’t take back the things I did. I can’t rewind time. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would right all my wrongs. I would erase all the pain I caused you, everything I did to us.”
Well, you can’t...I almost say, tears stinging my eyes. It’s time to end this for good. Time for me to let go. I’ve held onto him, and this thought that he would be mine forever for far too long. It was nothing more than a fairytale wish. Warren isn’t a prince. I’m not a princess. And this isn’t a fairytale. It’s a nightmare, and I need to wake up. I’m going to save myself from it.
“My bus is leaving, I need to go,” I tell him, grabbing onto the handle of my suitcase a little tighter.
“At least let me drive you,” he offers, holding out his hand to me, but I can smell the booze from here.
“You smell like a distillery, and you shouldn’t be driving anywhere, let alone with me.”
He drops his hand and lowers his head in defeat. “Okay.”
“Okay,” I echo his words. My heart feels as if it’s being ripped from my chest. I take a step away from him.
“I want to be in your life and the baby’s life. Don’t… don’t end this forever. Don’t let this be goodbye,” he pleads, but in my already fragile state, there is no determining our future.
“I don’t know… I really don’t know if I can.”
“Ma’am, I’m about to leave without you,” the bus driver calls from inside the bus.
“Goodbye, Warren,” I whisper as I once again find myself walking away from the man I love. The only difference, this time, I’m the one choosing to leave.
* * *
A few days have passed since I left Warren standing at the bus stop. Being home with my parents is nice, but every day is a struggle. They took the news much better than I thought they would. They are not happy about it by any means, but they don’t hate me, which I was most afraid of. Mainly they are just worried about me.
All I want to do is sleep, cry, or both. My mother does what she can to console me, but I know it’s futile. The only person I need and want is the one person I refuse to see right now. I just can’t get over what he said to me, the words hurt me too deeply. Not to mention that for the last three years, he thought I cheated on him.
Why didn’t he just talk to me? All he had to do was ask, and I would’ve told him the truth.
I absentmindedly cradle my stomach, like I’ve been doing ever since I found out. I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but I did take three pregnancy tests, and every one came back positive. Curling up a little more on the cou
ch, I think about what it will feel like when my belly grows, what it will feel like when the baby kicks for the first time…
“Hey, sweetie,” my mom’s voice drags me out of my daydream. My head snaps up just in time to catch her walking into the living room. I sit up, pulling the blanket a little tighter around me. I can’t seem to stay warm these days.
“What’s up, Mom?” I ask when I see a stack of papers in her hand.
“I just printed out some information you might want to look at,” she shrugs, before taking a seat next to me.
“What is it?” I take the papers and start to look over them, quickly realizing that these are applications for grants for colleges.
“This one is for a grant specifically for single moms.” She points at the top paper. “The next one is an application for financial aid at the local community college. I know it’s not Blackthorn, but you can still go to school, honey. Your dad and I will help you in any way we can. Being a parent doesn’t mean your world has to stop.”
My heart clenches in my chest. Damn you, Mother. Looking up from the papers, I say, “I know it doesn’t stop, but I should be working and saving for when the baby is born. College is still an option, but not until the baby is older.”
“Harper,” my mother starts, and I already know what she’s going to say, so I politely cut her off.
“Mom, I’m not going to take any money from you and Dad. I’ll figure out a way to make things work, but it won’t be by taking from you.”
Even though I know she wants to say something, she doesn’t. She just presses her lips into a firm line and puts the papers on the side table next to the couch.
The awkward silence that follows is interrupted by the doorbell ringing.
“I’ll get it,” my dad calls before my mom even makes a move. A few seconds later, he pops back into the room, but he’s not alone. Valerie is hot on his heels, a desperate look in her eyes. Dear god, what happened? I feel the question burning at the tip of my tongue. Valerie never comes to visit my parents, which means she knew I would be here, which means…