by Beck, J. L.
“Put me down,” she yells as she tries to push away from me.
“Calm down. I’m just carrying you to the apartment. I don’t want you to rip any stitches or anything.”
“What do you care? You didn’t care about me before. What makes this time any different?” Like a feral cat, she lashes out, her nails sinking into my flesh, but I ignore the small twinges of pain that she evokes over my tense muscles. I’m still not healed from the fight, but my pain is insignificant to the pain that she’s endured.
“Down you go,” I say and set her down when we reach the door to her apartment. She unlocks it with trembling fingers and shoves the door open, before turning to face me.
“You can sleep in the hall.”
“That wasn’t the deal, Kennedy, and you know it. I’m sleeping in the apartment on your couch, or we can go to my place and stay there. Whichever works best for you. I’m here for you, that’s it.”
“I hate that I ever cared about you. That I ever became your friend, and that I ever considered loving you. Leave me alone, or I’ll tell everyone that you pushed me to kill myself.”
With tears in her eyes, she twists on her heels and walks into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her. I carry her things into the kitchen before walking out into the living room. Sagging down onto the couch, my head falls in my hands.
Did I make the right choice coming here? By telling Claudia, I’d watch her?
In an instant, I’m reminded that I did, and all the doubt fades away.
I need to help her find her way back to the light. I owe her that, and if she still hates me at the end of this, I’ll walk away. If that’s what she really wants, then I’ll do it. I’ll let her go because that’s how much I love her. I’ll suffer the pain of losing her if it’s the best thing for her.
93
Kennedy
Four days pass in a blur. I only allow Jackson in the bedroom to check my cuts and to administer my pain pills. It takes an enormous amount of effort to shut down my feelings when he’s near. His scent surrounds me, lodging itself deep inside of my mind. I want to shove him out the front door, but the truth is I need him. In a second flat, I’ll be shoved back into the box my parents want me to live in if I don’t allow him to stay here and babysit me.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy though. He’s a reminder of everything I want to forget. My mom thought I was trying to kill myself, and that’s why I cut myself, but that wasn’t true. I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to lessen.
I woke up feeling well enough to go back to classes today, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not sure what Jackson has planned, but I’m going even if he doesn’t want me to. Tugging my shoes on, I let out a small sigh at the thought of fighting with him. As soon as I stand up, I feel a slight burn on my thighs and wince at the pain that lances the tender flesh.
There’s a knock on the bedroom door, and I ignore it, grabbing my backpack off the floor instead. When I get to the door, the knocking has grown more insistent, and I twist the knob, pulling it open much harder than necessary.
I can feel Jackson’s eyes roaming my body, each green orb, a heat-seeking missile against my skin.
“Where are you going?”
“Classes. I’m feeling better, and I don’t want to elongate going back. Plus, I’ve missed enough.” I only lift my gaze to the middle of his broad chest. I don’t want to see his eyes or face. He’s just a reminder of everything I’m begging to forget.
“Are you sure about this, Kennedy? I’m not sure your mental or physical state is ready.” I roll my eyes, wishing he would go back to not caring if I was breathing or dead.
“I don’t really care what you think. I’m leaving, and you don’t have to follow me. In fact, I would be grateful if you didn’t.” Shoving past him, an electrical current rips through me as my arm brushes against his. This would all be so much easier if I didn’t feel drawn to him. If my heartbeat didn’t spike in his presence.
“No can do, Kennedy. Let me grab my stuff, and then we can leave,” he says, and I’m thankful he isn’t fighting me on this. I don’t really have the strength to argue with him right now anyway. Going into the kitchen, I grab an apple and make a quick cup of coffee, putting it in my travel mug.
When I’m done, Jackson is waiting at the door, and this time, I don’t stop myself from looking at him. Arrogantly beautiful, menacing, and capable of death. He’ll make you believe anything and then rip the carpet right out from under your feet.
Walking ahead of him, I make sure my pace is faster than his, which is a pain in the ass since he’s taller than me. I manage, though, because I don’t want anyone to think we’re walking together. When I reach my first class, I almost sigh. The tension in my body makes my muscles ache, and I can’t wait to put some space between us.
“Whoa, wait,” Jackson calls, his hand landing on my shoulder, stopping me from continuing forward. “I’m going to be here when you get out.”
“Can’t you just go away,” I growl, shrugging off his hold. Every time he touches me, warmth envelops my body. My heart clings to him while my brain knows better, knows the damage he can cause.
I make the mistake of looking up and into his mossy green eyes. “No, I can’t just go away, and I won’t. I’m going to be up your ass, and I’m going to make sure that you’re okay because I owe it to you.”
Shaking my head, I take a step back, both wanting and needing to put some distance between us. “You don’t owe me a thing, and even if you did, I don’t trust you. I don’t want anything from you because everything comes at a cost, Jackson, and I’m done paying your prices. I’m done.” Turning, I walk away and straight through the double doors. I don’t stop until I reach my class and slump down into a seat.
Students filter in, taking their seats, and the professor takes the podium at the front of the room. I do my best to focus on what the professor is saying, jotting down notes, and trying to retain all the information I missed while I was gone. Somehow, it feels like people are staring at me, watching me more than usual, so I end up spending most of the class looking over my shoulder like a crazed person.
A few girls are whispering and looking my way, but I don’t catch anyone else watching me. Brushing it off to paranoia, I finish class, and when we’re dismissed, I walk down the hall and head to my next class even though I want to run back to my apartment.
Stepping outside, I spot Jackson leaning against a tree, his posture is relaxed, casual, and as soon as he spots me, he pushes off the tree and walks over to greet me.
He wasn’t lying, he really was waiting. Which disgusts me and makes me feel warm all at once. I hate that he didn’t listen to me, didn’t go away when I told him to.
“How was class?” he asks.
“Fine. You know you don’t need to follow me around, your friends are going to start asking questions if you do.”
Jackson shrugs. “I don’t really care what they ask or what they say. All I care about is you and what you think and feel.”
My mouth pops open, and I’m not really sure what I plan to say, but I guess it doesn’t matter because Crystal comes walking up to us, her shoulder slamming into mine, causing me to almost crash into Jackson.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there,” She says, chuckling beside Jackson. “Wait, I thought you…” She makes a motion of cutting her wrists and then says, “Looks like you didn’t do a good enough job if I do say so myself.”
I’m not really shocked at her words, of course, someone as selfish and heartless as her would say something like that. It’s fitting, really.
Jackson reacts before I can, grabbing her by the arm and twisting her around to face him. “What the fuck? You think it makes you look cool to say shit like that?” The anger that contorts his face is scary as hell, but a look that I’ve seen a few times myself.
Still, it’s strange to see him directing that rage at someone else, especially a girl that I know would do anything to be with him.
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“Let go of me, you’re hurting me,” Crystal whimpers, tugging her arm from his grasp.
“I’ll do more than hurt you if you talk to her like that again,” he seethes, and Crystal takes a step back, her nose in the air.
“I can’t believe I ever thought of hooking up with you.” The disgust on Crystal’s face makes her look as if she’s tasted something sour.
Jackson laughs. “Like you had a chance in hell. Run along, and if you talk any more shit about Kennedy, you’ll be answering to me.”
Crystal turns on her high heels and walks away. Though it was very entertaining to see Jackson stick up for me, it changes nothing. It can’t. I can’t be with someone who hurt me like he did, who used my weakness against me. He knew how broken I was, knew how much I was hurting, and he still hit below the belt.
“You okay?” Jackson’s question slices through my thoughts.
“I’m fine.” I hold my head high, ignoring the stares we’ve earned from the little spat.
Wrinkles of worry form against Jackson’s forehead. “I’m sorry she is such a bitch.”
I shake my head. “Don’t apologize. I’m used to being beat down and treated like shit. I’ll survive, plus, it’s not like it’s the first time someone told me to kill myself.” I smile, knowing it’s a low blow, but I don’t care. He hurt me, ripped my heart out of my chest. He deserves to feel my pain, and it doesn’t matter how I deliver said pain.
“I deserve that…” He nods as if he’s reading my mind.
“I’ve got to go to my next class,” I say, pushing past him.
“Of course, let’s go.” He turns to follow me. It’s annoying, and I grit my teeth to keep the words inside my mouth.
* * *
Two classes later, and Jackson is still waiting for me after each class. I figured he would get bored after the first class, but he’s still following me around like a lost puppy. Anger grows, pulsing deep in my chest.
“I don’t want your pity, and I want you to stop following ome,” I growl, walking right up to him. He looks down at me with an impassive look on his face. His green eyes twinkle in the afternoon sun. Why does something so cruel, so dangerous, get to be so gorgeous?
“I don’t pity you, and I’m not following you. I made a promise, and I’m sticking to it. I’ve screwed up a lot over the last couple of months. I didn’t ask questions, didn’t think things through, and that’s my fault. I don’t want to lose you, though, and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure I don’t.”
“You’ll be trying for a while then.” I cross my arms over my chest, irritated and ready to go home.
“Do your worst to me, Kennedy, god knows, I deserve it. Push me away, hate me, fight me, draw my blood, and rip my damn heart out, but I’m not going anywhere. I will be here every day, as a rock you can lean on or a damn post you can whip your anger at.”
I don’t tell him what he says makes me smile.
I don’t tell him anything. I don’t react at all.
I just walk away, heading toward my apartment and allow him to think whatever he wants to think. I won’t let Jackson know a damn thing, because I’m not interested in heartbreak warfare. I’m interested in living because I’m done simply surviving.
94
Jackson
My back is one giant ache. It’s so stiff I can barely move around. I feel like an old man needing a cane to walk, grunting every time I stand up straight. Sleeping on Kennedy’s couch is killing me, but I’d rather take this pain ten times over than leave her.
Kennedy hasn’t talked to me much, she tries to ignore me most of the time, but at least she doesn’t tell me to leave anymore. She gave up on that a few days ago when she finally realized I’m not going anywhere.
The only time we’ve been separated is when one of us is in class. I skipped all my classes for a week, so I could take and pick her up from each of hers, but I knew I couldn’t do that forever. I’m planning to start going back this week. I just wanted to give Kennedy a chance to get back into the swing of things.
Twisting and turning on the couch, I try to get comfortable even though I know there is no way. Defeated, I roll off onto the ground and stretch out. It’s not as soft as the couch, but at least I can lie flat and don’t have to tuck my legs in.
Closing my eyes, I wonder if Kennedy would let me buy her a new, more comfortable couch. Or maybe I could get her to move into my apartment, where we’d have more space. Yeah right.
I’m about to fall asleep when my phone buzzes on the coffee table. I grab it and see Talon’s name flashing on the screen. What does he want now? I push the green answer button and hold the phone to my ear.
“What’s up?”
“Hey, loser. You’re not in bed, are you? You sound like you’re half asleep.”
“I’m trying to go to sleep, but some asshole called me.”
“Dude, it’s not even ten.”
“Kennedy goes to bed early, and I don’t want to keep her up while I watch TV,” I explain, not caring about how much I sound like a pussy.
“Okay, Grandpa. I’m really only calling to tell you that your friend is still at the hospital. He’s awake, but he hasn’t said anything. Told the cops, he was mugged by two guys in an alley. Didn’t see their faces, of course. I don’t think you have to worry about him.”
“I wasn’t worried about him. He should be worried about me since when he gets out of the hospital, I’ll be planning on putting him right back in it. Or maybe I’ll kill him this time. He deserves it for what he did to Kennedy.”
“I know, man… I know.” I told Talon what Tylor did when Kennedy was in the hospital. I had to tell someone, and I needed Talon to understand. “I’ll keep you updated on the situation. If anything changes, you’ll be the first one to know.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Night, night, Grandpa,” Talon says, chuckling before the line goes dead.
I place my phone back on the table and hear movement at the bedroom door. Craning my neck, I look up and see Kennedy standing there, leaning against the door jamb like she’s been standing there for a while.
“What did you do to Tylor?” she asks, confirming my suspicions of her standing there for a bit.
“What I should have done a long time ago. He fought me in the pit. When he was losing, he thought telling me what he did to you would throw me off. Distract me enough to give him a chance to win. Instead, it did the opposite, and I almost beat him to death. He’s still in the hospital recovering.”
Her hazel eyes go wide, and she stands up a little straighter. “You did what? Why? What if he tells the police?”
Feeling smug, I almost laugh. It’s like she actually cares about me.
“Don’t worry, bug. He won’t say shit. He already talked to the police. Told them he got mugged. Case closed.”
“Why would you do something like that?”
“He hurt you. That’s reason enough. I would gladly kill him. Matter of fact, I would go to the hospital right now and end his life if you asked me to. If his death would help you get rid of your demons, then I would make it happen.” I would do all of it, consequences be damned. If I had to spend the rest of my life in prison just so he wouldn’t take another breath, I would.
I mean every single word I say, and Kennedy knows it too. I can see it in her eyes, she believes me. Even if she doesn’t want to believe that I’m changing, that I’m not going anywhere, that I’m in this for the long haul, she sees it.
“Why are you on the floor?” she asks, changing the subject.
“Your couch is comfortable to sit on, but there isn’t enough room for me to lie flat, so I moved to the carpet. It’s fine though, don’t worry about me.” I almost slap myself in the face after I say it. My back is killing me.
“Oh, okay.” She turns around and starts walking back into her bedroom. She only takes one step before twisting back around. “If you swear not to touch me, I’ll let you sleep in my bed with me.”
I ha
ve to bite the inside of my cheek, so I don’t grin like a fool. “Okay. I swear. No touching, only sleeping.”
“I’m serious, Jackson, touch me, and I’ll murder you in your sleep.”
Her threat makes me smile, and I climb up off the floor. Grabbing my blanket and pillow, I follow her into her room. I watch her climb into the bed and curl up on one side. I get in on the other, making sure there is a good amount of space between us while I get comfortable, stretching my aching limbs. My back is already thanking me for accepting her offer.
She turns off the light, drowning the room into darkness.
“Good night, Kennedy,” I whisper, pulling the blanket up to my shoulders.
“Good night,” she whispers back.
It takes me some time to fall asleep, but when I do, it’s with her floral scent deep in my nose and the warmth of her body close to mine.
95
Kennedy
Everything seems to fall back into place, the only difference is I have a six-foot-two-inch guy that sleeps beside me every night. Jackson has taken up permanent residency as my roommate. I stopped telling him to leave me alone, mainly because it was a waste of my time and annoying since he didn’t listen anyway.
I find my way back into a routine. School, homework, eat, sleep… there is only one thing that’s been missing. Since that night, I haven’t cut myself. It was part of my life for so long. Part of my day, really. Even with me going to therapy, I struggle every day. It was more than a bad habit—it was an addiction. One that I can’t just turn off.
I promised myself and my family that I wouldn’t cut myself again, and I haven’t… but I have been picking at the scabs. It still gives me some of the pain, some of the release I crave. Problem is, now the scabs are healed.