Orion looked away from me. He didn’t believe me and that made me feel even worse.
I sat up and grabbed his hand. He turned back to look at me, confusion swimming in his dark eyes.
“I am sorry.” I put as much truth into the words as I could, hoping he could sense it through our bond. I was no closer to understanding our connection but if I could feel his emotions surely he could feel mine. It must have registered on some level because he nodded and pulled his hand away.
“Don’t do it again,” he replied quietly. I think the whole thing had scared him. I bet a powerful creature like him didn’t get to rub shoulders with death too often.
I settled more comfortably into the mass of pillows I seemed to be propped up on. I looked around and was surprised to find myself in a room I didn’t recognise. It was luxurious and rather decadent. Deep, rich hues were coupled with dark furniture and the bed I was in was huge. It all felt very masculine and very indulgent.
“Where am I?”
“My private quarters,” Orion replied, amusement brightening his tone.
“How did I get here?” My head was still fuzzy with coming back from the brink of death, and I was struggling to make sense of my surroundings.
“I believe we are sharing a dream. I was asleep when you nearly killed us and in your unconscious state I managed to pull you into my mind to save you.”
“How?”
Orion shrugged. “No idea. I felt your pain and your essence flicker. I reached out and then you were here. I channelled some of my power into the bond, which I believe gave you the strength to heal yourself.”
“What about Fenris?”
“I imagine he will be fine. You poured quite a lot of energy into healing him.”
I nodded. At least I had managed to do something good after the carnage I had left behind.
Orion brushed his finger across my cheek before tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. The gesture was gentle, and it felt like a profound juxtaposition against his intensity.
“Is Lucifer coming for me?” The words tumbled from my mouth as fear played havoc with my heart. I wanted to know, and Orion was probably the best person to ask. I imagine he knew more about him than any of Jasper and his team.
Orion’s brow furrowed, and he pursed his lips in thought. Perhaps he was deciding if he should tell me the truth. “Yes. But I will be there. If you ever find yourself in danger, you know I will always be there. We cannot escape each other.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, suddenly nervous at his closeness. Everything about him was intense and, through our bond, his emotions were bleeding into mine, blurring the line between us. His gaze dropped to my mouth and desire raced through my body. It was dark and spoke of obsession. A delicious thrill ran up my spine at his lust for me. I felt his dark craving, his insatiable need to have me and it terrified me just as much as it excited me.
“Are we to only ever meet in dreams?” I whispered against his lips. His hand snaked around the back of my neck, and he pulled me closer. His lips brushed mine, but he didn’t kiss me. Instead, he held me there, waiting on the very cusp of claiming my mouth. His warm breath teased me and made me desperate for his touch. I was at his mercy, and he was waiting for me to submit. My core tightened at the thought and heat simmered in my veins. He was mastering my desire and I knew he would make me a slave to it.
I relaxed in his hold and surrendered to him willingly. I felt his smile against my lips before he finally claimed my mouth with his own. It was a brutal kiss and it spoke of his need to own me. He forced my lips open wide, and he ravaged my mouth with his tongue. It was carnal. Hungry.
Desperate.
I felt his touch everywhere. My body trembled, and I felt not only my need, but his as well. It flowed through me and I burned for him. I moaned into his mouth, and he swallowed it like a man starved. He pushed me backwards onto the bed and settled his weight between my thighs. My hips rose to meet his, seeking relief from this sweet, sweet torture. His answering growl had my heart pounding and my core aching with need.
Fuck. I needed him and I needed him now.
I broke the kiss. “I want you.”
He made a sound that was part desperation, part regret. “You’ve no idea how much I’ve longed to hear you speak those words. Fuck, Lori, do you have any idea what you do to me?” His words were a growl and my body hummed at the primal way he looked at me.
“No,” I breathed.
“You make me weak, and you’ve no idea how dangerous that is.”
I felt the desperation and conflict in his words. He scared me but as I brushed his golden hair out of his eyes, I also understood that he would burn the world for me, if I only asked. I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to commit to that kind of level of extreme. There was a darkness in him that simmered beneath the surface of his control and I dreaded to think what would happen if he ever snapped.
Yet despite all this, despite knowing how fragile his veneer of goodness was, I was still drawn to him. He made my soul burn, and he called to my own darkness. I could feel my demon purring at the thought of staying here with Orion. She wanted him just as much as I did.
The bond that existed between us was too strong. It pulsed, ached, and pulled me toward him blindly. I needed to step away from him. I needed to breathe. I was drowning in his dark eyes that promised sinful pleasures and, as much as I wanted to surrender, I also wanted to be able to think straight.
“We don’t have much time,” Orion said, sadness lacing his voice.
“We never do.” I traced his bottom lip with my thumb. “Why is that? Why do we only meet in dreams?”
A pained look crossed his face. “I cannot manifest on the mortal plane without serious consequences.”
“Why?”
“Part of my punishment.” He pulled away, clearly signalling I wasn’t going to get to hear that story today. It also reminded me how little I actually knew of him. I could feel his intentions to go to the end of the world for me, but I still didn’t even know his name. This was all kinds of fucked up.
“Orion, will you tell me your real name?”
He looked back down at me and his wicked grin crawled to the surface. “Not yet. Now back to sleep with you.”
He leaned down to place a soft kiss against my forehead.
“No. Not again. Don’t you dare…” But the dream faded, and he was gone.
***
Sunlight streaming through my window brought me back to the land of the living with a gentle sense of calm. There was no rude awakening, no jolt of fear. Just the warmth on my face pulling me from my slumber.
“You’re finally awake.”
Or maybe not. My eyes flew open and landed on a silhouette in the corner. He sat in the shadows, but his eyes reflected the sun like two chips of cold, hard ice.
Cassian.
“What are you doing here?” I coughed, my voice was hoarse and my throat dry. How long had I been out?
“Watching you.”
Was it me or did the temperature just drop?
“How’s Fenris?” I asked, nervous over the answer. I knew he was alive when I left him but hearing someone tell me he was doing ok would make me feel a whole lot better.
“He’s fine.” Thank God. “No thanks to you.” Cassian’s voice dropped to a menacing whisper.
“What?” The word came out as a breathy exhale as my stomach fell through the floor.
Cassian unfolded his long limbs from the chair and strode towards me, each lethal step he took towards me felt like a nail in my coffin. Fuck, he was intimidating, and I suddenly felt like I was about to lose the contents of my stomach.
“Since you came here you’ve caused nothing but trouble.”
I swallowed. I knew the guy didn’t like me, but from the way he stared at me at the foot of my bed, I got the impression that it was a deeper hatred than mere dislike. I didn’t understand what I had done to deserve such disdain.
“Why do you hate me so much?”
He threw me a derisive look and folded his arms across his chest. “You’ve got Jasper so disoriented that he can’t lead a mission, Alec can barely keep it in his pants around you and Fenris follows you around like a lost puppy. You don’t deserve to be here. You’re a distraction. Nothing more.”
I’d been telling myself that I wanted to go home, that I wasn’t worthy to be here, but hearing some else say it just pissed me off.
I glared up at him. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He rolled his eyes at me, arrogance rolling off him in waves. “Look at you. You can’t even control your demon, let alone prove useful in a fight.”
I resented that. I may not have exactly kicked ass, but I came out of that fight alive. “Hey! I stood my ground, I saved Fenris.”
“Yes, but at what cost? Fenris died! He was a fucking fool, and he tried to protect you, and he died. I get that you brought him back, but it was your fucking fault he was there in the first place.” He spat the words at me, like the mere mention of me was poison in his mouth. “If he wants to follow you into trouble then that’s fine. But I won’t make the same mistake.”
“I’m not asking you too,” I seethed.
“Good, because you shouldn’t be out there. I don’t know what Fenris was thinking taking you off the base. It turned out to be a fucking disaster. He should have just called Levi for an update if he was so desperate to impress you. I will not place my life in the hands of someone so untrained and utterly useless.” His words flew at me like arrows.
His obnoxious, dismissive tone had my anger rising. I jumped out of the bed and marched towards him. “Look, I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t wake up one morning and think, todays the day I’m going to bring about a prophecy. I’m doing the best I can Cassian, whether you believe that or not.”
He smirked. “Oh, I believe you think you are, Princess. But you’re still walking around like a human. Do you know why your demon won’t show up?” He leant down towards me; his mouth twisted in a sneer. “Because even she doesn’t think you’re worthy.”
His words felt like a slap in my face and I took a small step back from him. He was wrong. My demon and I may not have got off on the right foot to begin with, but I knew she had my back when I needed her, and she liked to piss people off. Something inside me told me she’d like pissing Cassian off. I felt her stirring at the thought and a smile crossed my lips as she slithered into my skin. Before I knew it, my arm had pulled backwards, and my fist had connected with his jaw, wiping that fucking grin clean off his face.
Take that motherfucker. I rolled my shoulder back as my demon settled back down. Cassian straightened up and wiped his thumb across his bottom lip, cleaning away a little trickle of blood. Holy shit. I’d made him bleed. In all our training sessions, I had never been able to get close enough to touch him, let alone do him harm. I could have jumped for joy, but I didn’t. One punch did not make me a master of combat, and I was very much aware that I was staring at a very angry, very pissed off dragon.
Cassian was silent for a long beat, staring down at me with anger and disbelief swirling in the depths of his cold eyes. I needed this dragon on my side. He was the only one who could really train me and I kind of felt he’d been holding back because he hadn’t deemed me worthy. I needed to change that.
“Cassian, whether you like it or not, I am here, and I am not going anywhere. You don’t have to like me, but you can’t deny that I need your help.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “That is true. You can’t even throw a punch properly.”
I wanted to argue with him, but he was right. My shot was a lucky one. I’d caught him off guard and that wasn’t going to happen again. “Will you show me? Will you show me what it means to be a part of this team?”
He canted his head to one side as he considered my request. “Fine. We will start in earnest tomorrow. But I warn you, you’ll find Jasper a walk in the park compared to me.”
I groaned and I swear I caught a flash of a sadistic grin on Cassian’s cocky mouth as he left my room. He was going to enjoy making me suffer.
***
After a long, hot shower and a plate full of food, I went in search of Fenris. I hadn’t seen him yet since waking up and I longed to see him with my own two eyes. Until I had actually seen that he was ok, there was still a part of me that disbelieved that he was alive. I knocked softly on his door and heard his soft voice call from the other side.
I entered his room quietly, barely crossing the threshold. My breath was lodged in my chest. What if he hated me? Cassian was right. It was my fault he was there in the first place. If only I hadn’t run off like a coward. If only I had stayed in the bar none of this would have happened.
“Lori, is that you?”
Relief flooded my chest and tears sprang to my eyes as I drank in the sight of Fenris propped up in bed eating a bowl of popcorn and watching an old movie. His broad grin was all the reassurance I needed. I leapt across the room and threw myself into his arms.
“Ooof,” he said as I impacted him. I had never been so grateful to see anyone in my life. All the fear of losing him, the worry and agony, and then the joy at seeing him alive, had me sobbing into his shirt.
He stroked my hair and held me close. His familiar earthy scent surrounded me, and I clung to him like I was afraid I was going to lose him all over again.
“It’s ok, Lori. I’m fine.”
“I thought I’d lost you,” I cried as I sat back up to look at him. He looked a little pale, but I couldn’t see any permanent damage.
His hands wiped away my tears, which just made me sob even more. I hated crying. I was such an ugly crier but Fenris didn’t seem to care. “Nope. I’m still here and that’s all thanks to you.”
I looked away, guilt swimming in my stomach. “But it’s my fault. If I hadn’t run off, you wouldn’t have been there on your own. And I…”
“No. Don’t do that. This wasn’t your fault. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”
My gaze flicked back to Fenris and a glisten of unshed tears framed his dark eyes. “I should never have taken you off the base. I put you in danger and I was a fool to think I could handle any threats on my own. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s ok. I’m sorry too. I should have listened to you. You were right. I haven’t been fully on board but seeing you in that alley… Well, I guess that was the wakeup call I needed.”
Fenris chuckled softly. “I saw your demon make an appearance. She was fucking scary, a real badass. She made Cassian look like a teddy bear.”
I laughed. It felt good to laugh. I had been on such a roller coaster over the last few hours that I had almost forgotten what laughing felt like.
“Yeah, she’s pretty awesome.” Until she takes it too far. A vision of the empty husk of Flint flashed before my eyes and I blanched.
“What happened after I was gone, Lori?” Fenris’ eyes searched mine, as if he were looking for the answer in their black depths.
I turned away as the shame crawled through me. I felt my shoulders slump, and tears threatened to fall again. “I stole his… I…” I couldn’t form the words. I couldn’t seem to make my mouth move. I didn’t want to admit that I was a monster.
Fenris gathered me in his arms and pulled me back onto the bed with him. His big arms wrapped around me and I nestled my head into the crook of his shoulder. He always knew what I needed, and right now, I needed to feel that I was worth touching. That I was worth something to someone because right now, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be alive. For a few moments in that alley, I had become an abomination, and even though Flint was a bad guy, he hadn’t deserved what I had done to him.
I felt dirty, guilty and ashamed.
I could blame my demon, but deep down, I knew that I had let her take his soul. I had wanted to take it. But what scared me the most, was that I had enjoyed it.
A shudder ran through me at the thought. I didn’t want to bare my sin to the world, but I k
new if I didn’t get it off my chest, it would eat me alive from the inside. I snuggled deeper into Fenris’ embrace, enjoying it for a few moments longer, because once I told him what I had done, I was sure he would hate me.
I took a deep breath and told him everything. How my demon had appeared before I entered the alley, how she felt when I let her take control. I told him of the wrath that drove me to steal Flint’s soul, the elation I felt at consuming it and then the horror I felt in the aftermath. Through it all, Fenris kept hold of me, kept trailing his hands up and down my spine and it made it easier for me to bare my soul to him.
“I thought you were dead, and it was all my fault.” My words were quiet, barely above a whisper. “I was so angry, at Flint, the monsters, but mostly at myself. I took it out on Flint, and I made him suffer.” I sat back up, unable to bear Fenris’ touch any longer. “I am more of a monster than he ever was.”
“Lori, you’re not a monster. You were a warrior. You fought to save me and for that I will be forever grateful.”
“I still killed…”
“Stop beating yourself up over it. Look, I know it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, but you did the right thing. I know it will take you some time to accept it, but you’re in a world where it’s fight or die. And you chose to fight. That makes you a warrior and don’t you ever forget it.” His words were blunt, forceful, and they shook me to the core. He was right. I was in a different world now, and I was only starting to realise how much I was capable of. Yes, I could do bad things, but I also had the power and the courage to do the right thing. It was just going to take me some time to move past the image of Flint’s soulless eyes. I had a feeling they would haunt my dreams for some time to come. I just had to hope I was strong enough to overcome the guilt and face it head on.
“Can I sleep here tonight?” I asked Fenris. I didn’t want to be alone and there was nowhere else I would rather be than here.
To Crave Darkly: Trials Of A Morta: Book One Page 20