“Yeah,” Welson continued, “but in the meantime, what’re we goin’ t’ do about y’r army?”
“Most of us don’t want a war.” Gough said. “We only want somewhere nice to live; nicer than where we came from anyway… which is just about anywhere really,” he added.
“From what I heard, the Third Universe is right about shot anyway.” Welson nodded thoughtfully.
“Yes, the Shenh nearly finished us off, so we’re homeless refugees really.”
“Shame, boy. Is your army all there is?”
“Oh no, there are many more left behind, but they have reverted to primitive. The army is all that remains of our civilisation.”
“We can’t take an entire extra universe out here,” protested Hawk. “I mean, look at the place…” She indicated the desolation of the area caused by the original war.
“The others aren’t coming. What you see is all there is.” Gough was quite firm about that.
“Okay, as long as that’s the lot,” decided Welson. “We could do with a bit of help rebuilding the infrastructure. Are y’up for it?”
“Looking at this land it will be perfect for us; air, water, building materials... There doesn’t seem to be anyone using it.”
“No, there was this here nuclear thing a while back. All the people are gone, but the radiation levels are okay now. If y’ disarm and hand over all y’r military hardware, we can come up with a truce.”
“You have a deal.” The two men shook hands.
“Now,” continued Welson. “What was all that there bullshit about rape and slavery?”
“Just Antarn; coming from the Third Universe, we have rules we have to follow as soldiers…”
“Now hang on there a second, boy…”
“But if you hand over your weapons and stand down, you aren’t soldiers anymore,” said Caryl. “You wouldn’t have to follow those rules.”
“Yeah, you’ll have to rape and enslave yourselves,” put in Hawk sarcastically.
“Good point,” said Gough. “Caryl, you’re right. We can get round it that way. I’ll promote you to protocol officer now that I’m in charge.”
“Do we need officers at all now,” asked Caryl, “if we’re becoming civilians? Why not promote yourself to ‘mayor’ instead?”
“Oh leave the boys to sort this out,” said Hawk. “Caryl, do you want to come with me? Now the invasion is all sorted, I’m off back to the City. There are clothes and people there that you might like better that playing soldiers.”
“Corporal,” said Gough. “You can’t desert; that is a…”
“Not any more it isn’t,” grinned the girl. “See you later.”
* * *
Hawk drove Caryl back to the City. She introduced her to her good friend, Suzanne, who was living with her in a comfortable flat, and filled her in on the details of how they had taken on the deranged computer systems running a farm for breeding people, and saved the city from annihilation. She said there was a journal to read, ‘Third Universe’ she thought it was called, which would make everything clear, but as nobody had ever bought it, the full story would have to be left to her imagination. “Suffice it to say, he was a guy who wanted to do the right thing, with a fixation for ale and for my friend here,” she gave Suzanne a kiss, “But totally screwed up of course.”
“Yes, we had some good times,” Suzanne blushed. “After all, he did rescue me from a dead-end job on a dead-end planet, and I’ve found what I wanted now.” She smiled at Hawk. “We are happy. Have a Turkish Delight?” She indicated the sweets on the coffee table.
“So you don’t want Tom back?” Caryl had been feeling pangs of jealousy.
“I don’t think he’s the man I knew any more…” Suzanne reached over and squeezed her hand. “You may be what he is looking for. After all, he left a very good party to go and search for you…”
The room suddenly filled with noise.
Suzanne caught Caryl’s hand. “Oh for Phoist’s sake… Quick, back against the walls!”
They cowered away from the centre of the room as the coffee table groaned and collapsed. A large silver cylinder slowly appeared where the table had been. The top part of it forced its way through the ceiling. There were cries of dismay and annoyance from the flat above.
“Oh for fuck’s sake. I should have known it was a mistake to get rose flavoured sweets. I’ll kill her.” Hawk was on her feet spitting venom even before the hatch opened, her fist drawn back ready. “What?” To her surprise, a man emerged, the sort of man you would feel nervous buying a used car from. He seemed confident however, took hold of Hawk’s balled hand and shook it vigorously.
“Pleased to meet you.” He looked around at the others, and bowed. “Ladies,” he said magnificently, “I present to you the High Shenh of the Third Universe.”
“Cringe, you microscopic phase emissions.” Kara stepped out into the room and beamed benevolently around. She had changed from the previous clothing, seriously charred in many failed attempts to subdue her ‘subjects’, and was now wearing a long dress with a high collar, and a diadem which glittered with jewels.
“Kara, you slag, look what you’ve done to our flat! I should kill you for this.” Hawk took hold of the front of the dress.
Kara disdainfully regarded the offence to her person. “Allan, kindly inform this, er, lady that to make physical contact with the High Shenh is to invoke the wrath of… Karnack or somewhere...” She shook her head in confusion. “The energy is fluctuating around the vacuum. The matter anti-matter stream is not calibrated. You must reverse the diagnostic time-field in the charm vortex, causing the enhanced charge anomalies to transfer to another precinct. The quantum strangeness field generator is running—calibrate the plasma conduit before the core inverts and the weak fluctuations disburse.”
“What?” Hawk released her grip.
“Sorry,” said Allan. “She has been getting worse since the last bit of trouble with the Third Universe primitives.”
“Has she regenerated recently?” Suzanne regarded the android, who was looking disdainfully around the remains of the flat.
“Partially.” Allan nodded. “She thinks she’s the ruler of the Third Universe. We’ve been jumping around trying to find any subjects for her to rule over, but they all seem to treat her as a joke and usually let fly at us. She’s been damaged so many times and I’ve had to keep getting her rebuilt. I think the repeated regenerations are inverting her quantum time-matter field.”
“Bravo,” Kara regarded her minion. “You seem to be learning some reciprocal particle coupling at last.”
“That’s not coupling, that’s bollocks.” Hawk said.
“Worry not, slave. The Charge Time-matter Field has been contained.”
“Oh for Phoist’s sake sit down and tell us all about it.” Hawk indicated one of the sofas and settled herself.
“Thank you.” Allan took the one indicated. “Her majesty will remain on her feet, as befits one of her standing. Have you got any beer? I’m parched after all that travel.”
“Er, yes. I need to get something.” Suzanne worked her way round the back of the Cylinder into the kitchen. “Don’t mind me,” she shouted. “Tell us what the bitch wants, if she can’t speak for herself.”
“Yes, the core charge is stumped.” Kara folded her arms.
“I’ll wait,” said Allan.
Suzanne returned with a tray of ale. “I hope you like ‘Old Spotted Todger’,” she said. “It’s all we have at the moment.”
“Interesting,” said Allan, taking a sip. “Where does the name originate?”
“According to the bottle,” said Suzanne, reading the label on the back. “The brewer spent too many nights with dirty women and caught a nasty dose. He went mad and mixed all the wrong ingredients together, but the result was this superb ale.”
“Serendipity,” agreed Allan.
“To business.” Hawk leaned forward. “Why are you here?
”
“The High Shenh here wants to reclaim her rightful place in the universe. So far, every location we’ve visited hasn’t been impressed with her. We’ve been shouted at, spat at, had people baring their bottoms at us, been shot at, stoned and everything else you could possibly imagine; people don’t have any respect for royalty anymore.”
“Asymmetrical flux inversion,” agreed Kara.
“I can imagine it would be difficult.”
“So, we’ve decided that we would return the Star she stole. It appears it isn’t helping with her thought processes; she can’t even touch it without burning herself. So is Tom, er, Two-Dan around?”
“Star?” Suzanne was on her feet now. “You don’t mean the Star of Time.”
“Yes, the Shenh here stole it from a planet she rescued me from.” Allan regarded Suzanne quizzically. “Do you know, you look just like..?”
“Just like?”
“The pictures I saw of a lady on that planet. She was living with a guy called Tom, who I understand was another version of the one in this universe. I buried them both.”
“You bastard,” said Hawk, leaping to her feet and drawing back her fist.
“No, it’s okay, they were dead.” He took her by the shoulders and sat her down again.
“Dead?” Suzanne looked confused. “But I’m not dead. Is Tom?”
“He was when I last saw him.”
Caryl gave a wail of anguish.
“What’s up with her?” Allan looked puzzled.
“She loved him,” said Hawk. She put her arm round the girl’s shoulders, “As did Suzanne here, but in a different way.”
“It’s all for nothing then,” sobbed Caryl.
Hawk cut her off. “Maybe not. Allan, you say you buried both Tom and Suzanne?”
“Boost the vortices,” said Kara. “We terminated him ourselves.”
“You bastard,” said Hawk. She was on her feet again.
“No, he asked us to,” explained Kara, as Allan took Hawk by the shoulders and sat her down again. “Suzanne was already in a phased particle configuration.”
“I see. That makes it all fine, doesn’t it, you murderer.”
“We couldn’t do it, the auxiliary inhibiting capacitor wouldn’t let us, but the painkiller we gave him was a high plasma anomaly.”
“An overdose,” Allan explained.
“No, a level vortex attenuator, but his critical singularity was deflated.”
“An accident; his body couldn’t handle it,” continued Allan. “He was very old.”
“We said that,” said Kara haughtily. “The auxiliary singularities reverse the critical gravity dampeners in all areas.”
“So,” continued Hawk, “that backs up my assumption that the dead Tom we’re talking about isn’t necessarily the Tom that we know, or,” she paused, thinking out loud, “his presence has jumped to another body in another universe.”
“No,” said Suzanne as she rubbed her eyes, “there are only three universes. He’s died twice already as far as I know. This one that Kara killed…” The android smiled back, and blessed her with a motion of her hand, “…must have been the last one. The fact that he was very old doesn’t mean much in cross universe scenarios?”
“As far as I can tell, no,” said Allan. “Her magnificence here is a bit cagy with details though, even when she’s lucid.”
“Temporal ripples polarity vortex.” Kara nodded.
“That almost made sense,” said Hawk. “So what are you doing here?”
“First, we have to get rid of the artefact; return it to its rightful owner. Hang on here a minute.”
“Where else would we go,” muttered Hawk, “with the Cylinder blocking the door.”
“Are you going to shift this thing out of my bedroom or do we call the police?” The shout came from the floor above.
“Oh bugger off,” shouted back Hawk. “Give us some time. We don’t complain when you have your music up loud, do we.”
“Fuck you,” came back the answer.
“Charming neighbours we have,” said Suzanne. “Some people have no consideration.”
Alan returned from the Cylinder with his arms wrapped round a bedspread. “Recognise this?” He unrolled the bundle onto the floor, taking care not to touch the contents.
“Of course.” Suzanne swallowed and then took a sip of ale. “That’s Tom’s Star, given to him by the Sombre Warrior on the Edge of Time for saving his life5. I’ve got one. We used them to defeat the last Shenh who was hell-bent on destroying everything. Not sure how you got Tom’s, though.”
“Her saintliness broke into his safe on that planet I mentioned. Anyway, you can have it back. We don’t want it. I think it’s screwing up our systems.”
“Phased sub-space disruption,” nodded Kara.
Hawk reached out to pick it up. “Careful.” Suzanne stopped her. “You’ll burn yourself.”
“Rubbish. It’ll be inactive now it’s done the job in the Third Universe. He’s being over-dramatic… Ow.” She dragged her hand away, and blew on her fingers. “That’s bleedin’ hot.”
“Told you,” said Suzanne. “They’re tuned to individual biorhythms. Only the rightful owner can hold them.” She briefly hovered her hand over the Star. “That’s warm. As I thought, I can’t touch Tom’s now either, without getting burnt.”
“That’s men for you,” said Hawk.
“Wait a moment while I go and get mine,” said Suzanne. “I think it’s in my knickers drawer.”
“Why?” asked Caryl while Suzanne was out of the room.
“She doesn’t like me pinching them,” muttered Hawk, reddening.
Suzanne was quickly back, cradling her Star and laid it on the table beside Tom’s.
“So this belonged to my man.” Caryl picked it up and turned it over in her hands. “Could I keep it, as something to remember him by?”
Suzanne gaped. “But you picked it up.”
“Yes?”
“But you should have been burnt.”
“It’s not hot. Here, feel.” She offered it around to the others. They tried, but only Caryl could touch it.
“I don’t understand.” Suzanne flopped back into her seat.
“We do.” Kara was fidgeting from foot to foot. “The phased regulator is attuned to the singularity. The singularity needs to be aligned to the polarity of the fluctuations... Oh bugger it.”
“What I think her highness means is that the Stars are universe specific.” Allan tried to explain. “She has one inside her which, apart from providing her with power to keep her systems going, is attuned to the Third Universe. Suzanne’s Star works for her here, so must be attuned to the Second, so…”
“Tom’s Star must be for my universe,” said Caryl, “the First. Does it work because I was close to him, or because it would work for anyone where I come from?”
“Local spatial anomaly,” explained Kara.
“Right,” said Hawk, shaking her head. “That clears that up. Now what are we supposed to do with these things?”
“Quantum singularity, quantum singularity.” Kara was desperately trying to get a message through. “Oh buggrit!” She grabbed a sheet of paper and started writing.
“What’s up with the stupid cow?” Hawk picked up the note and peered at the writing. It was in an Ariel font, with all the correct punctuation. “Oh I see.” She nodded. “It’s worth a try.”
“What’s she written?” Suzanne put her arm round Hawk’s waist and Hawk read out loud.
“Please accept one’s apologies for the miscommunications, you bottom-feeders, but one thinks that one’s instabilities are linked to the emergence of the Stars and one’s good friend and nemesis, Two-Dan. One is guessing that he has taken a new body and opened up a rift to yet another universe. We may be able to find out what is happening by going to that location.”
Kara nodded vigorously. “Ambient neutrino effect.”
“
Oh, give her the pen, somebody.”
Kara scribbled again and handed the note back to Hawk.
“There you go. She says that the Cylinder will be able to go straight there if she sets it to ‘auto’.”
“Do you think we can find Tom?” said Caryl hopefully.
“It wouldn’t surprise me.” Suzanne nodded. “He always seems to get into the thick of things.”
“Then what are we waiting for?”
“Nothing really.” Suzanne paused briefly. “Will you take us, your majesty? Don’t say anything, simply nod if you agree.”
Kara beckoned them to enter the Cylinder.
An alarm sounded. “You have surpassed the four person extreme carrying consignment of the vehicle. Please revert.”
“Dammit,” said Allan. “Someone’ll have to get out. Now who don’t we need? Oh dear.” Kara picked him up and dumped him out of the hatchway. She waved at Hawk.
“Me too? I’m not leaving, sod you.”
Suzanne took her by the arm and led her outside. “I’ll manage. We have to get going. I won’t be long.” She kissed her. “I think we need Allan to translate for Kara though. Come back in please.”
“If you’re sure?” Allan gave Kara a hard stare.
“Someone’s got to look after her. Sorry babes.”
Hawk scowled. “Don’t call me that! Anyway, supposing you don’t come back…”
“I’ve faced worse. I’ll see you soon.”
She left Hawk fuming and the hatch closed. The Cylinder shimmered and disappeared. A face peered down through the hole left in the ceiling. “Bloody neighbours,” it said. “I hope your Payment Protection Insurance will cover this.”
Offboarding the Plank
T
om and Amber returned home in the bulletproof and bombproof car provided by the newly assembled Skagan security force. It was a bit cramped inside, and he cracked his head on the turret gun as he got in, but Vac insisted that it was the only safe way of getting home. They set off, flanked by a team of motorcycle riders, and followed a half-track bristling with armed soldiers along the unmade road. “Is this really necessary, Vac?” He shouted to his security chief over the noise of the engine.
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