by Jamie Knight
“What? I’m so sorry,” I told her. “All I know is Donna called the Leviathans’ PR machine to complain I was some kind of sick lech, compromising single moms. Maybe she called reporters too.”
“I don’t believe you. You’re trying to change your image at my expense.”
“Are we really back to this? Call Donna. Ask her. I can guarantee this is all her doing. Not mine!”
“Please. Just leave, Neil.”
That was the last thing I wanted to do. I was determined to try to fight for what I wanted, which was her.
“I just want to stay and talk,” I told her. “I swear I don’t have bad intentions.”
Far from it.
This was as into any woman as I’d ever felt, and I didn’t want to lose her.
“You can’t take no for an answer, can you?” she said.
That just made me mad.
How could she not see that this was the real deal?
“You’re scared of how you feel about me,” I pleaded with her. “If this is what you want, Becca, that’s fine, but at least own it. Admit it.”
I felt the anger growing inside me despite my best attempts to quash it.
“Don’t you dare make me into something I’m not,” I told her. “For the second time, mind you. I don’t need this, either. I thought you were special, but you seem to trust everyone over me, and you’re so willing to believe the worst about me.”
Becca stared at me, speechless, and not even attempting to offer any rebuttal.
“Just leave, Neil. How many times are you going to make me say it?”
“Fine. Maybe we can talk in another decade.”
I stormed off, backed the Jeep out of her driveway and peeled away.
I was so distracted on the road as I headed back to Manhattan.
I was shaking the whole time, feeling furious that Becca didn’t trust me.
Again.
I couldn’t believe that she wasn’t even giving me a chance.
I kept thinking I should just cut my losses and avoid Becca if she was only going to keep doubting me. But I was in love with her. I had no doubts about that.
I started to imagine my rant sounded a lot like her ex, who was mean. I wondered if that was why she had looked like a deer in the headlights and said nothing at first.
When I got home, I cracked open a beer and turned the TV on to watch the local news. After finishing the bottle, I went to the kitchen to grab a second beer, and to look in the fridge for something to eat.
I was half-listening to the TV when I heard the newscaster say, “In other news, our resident playboy, Leviathan Tight End Neil Bowman, is garnering some unwanted attention again. A grandmother called multiple media outlets this morning to claim Bowman used a Christmas for Heroes event he participated in a couple weeks ago as hunting ground to pick up single moms.”
My mouth dropped open and I didn’t want to keep watching but I did, dumbfounded and spellbound at the lengths that Donna had sunk to.
“Here’s video of Bowman visiting a home in his hometown of Caldwell, New Jersey Christmas Eve, dressed as Santa with a bag of toys. While the video was provided by the Leviathans, when asked about the charity event, dedicated to helping military families, the team’s publicist denied any suggestion of impropriety on the part of Bowman but would not comment further. Here’s the Christmas for Heroes organizer, Tom Livingston.”
I heard Tom’s voice and felt grateful.
“Neil Bowman played Santa for our local event in his hometown, not seeking any attention for himself. Rather, he showed up to be there for the kids and to support our local service men and women. The suggestion that Bowman had ulterior motives, while hiding behind a white beard and oversized Santa suit, which I imagine after one hour, let alone four, was insanely uncomfortable, is utterly ridiculous. Bowman, as well as the other players who gave up their Sunday to participate in this event, have my heartfelt thanks for making a magical Christmas for these families.”
Well, that was nice of him, I thought. At least I feel slightly redeemed.
But still, I just stood in my kitchen in disbelief, wondering what the hell was wrong with the world that even this had to turn into a thing.
Slow news day?
I imagine I had the same look Becca had earlier today. I went to the living room to sit down again and picked up the phone to call Becca’s cell. It went straight to voicemail.
Fuck. She must have it turned off.
I left a message.
“Look, Becca. Please call me. I owe you an apology. I shouldn’t have yelled. I don’t know what’s happening, or why, but I would like to know you’re okay.”
While I normally would have gone out and hit the bars to take my mind off unpleasantries right about now, this time I stayed in, hoping Becca would call me back.
Stupidly, I Googled myself, and read all the things out there about me, paying close attention to the last 48 hours.
Donna’s name was never mentioned, or Becca’s, even though Becca’s house was in the video the Leviathans gave the press.
I felt bad that I had wrecked havoc in her life, and Mark’s too, and I just wanted to do something to make everything better.
But I had a feeling this could be the end. Maybe Becca and I were destined to be star-crossed lovers and that one time of hot sex and close conversation was all that we could ever enjoy.
Not if I had anything to say about it, though.
Somehow, some way, I needed to save this situation and get what I now knew to be our destiny back on track.
Chapter 9
Becca
I called Angela after Neil left. I couldn’t stop crying enough to talk, but somehow Angela seemed to figure things out.
Anyone with a television probably could.
“C’mon, Becca,” she said, in her best “let’s be reasonable here” tone of voice. “I know this is an emotional situation and that you’re afraid to trust and jump to negative conclusions and worst case scenarios and all of that. But do you really think Neil would do this? I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
I resented her characterization of me.
Afraid to trust?
Always jumping to worst case scenarios?
But when I really thought about it, I had to admit she was right.
She knew me better than anyone and it was how I had protected my heart and stayed focused on parenting ever since James had died. Or even before that. It was how I had survived an unhappy marriage in which he mistreated me.
I knew not all men were like that.
Although apparently, I didn’t show it very well.
And yet, I wasn’t so sure that I was just being paranoid.
I didn’t want to be taken for a ride.
“You know his reputation, Ang,” I protested. “In fact, you’re the one who showed me where to look.”
“Sometimes men behave badly, then change everything for the right woman,” she countered. “You have history with him. At least hear him out.”
I sighed, not wanting to listen to her but knowing I probably should.
“Plus, you forget, I’ve met Donna,” she continued. “That woman thinks her son walks on water, even from the grave. You and I know that isn’t true. I’m sorry, but if my David grew up to be a monster, I sure as shit wouldn’t be pretending that he wasn’t and letting him keep it up. And this isn’t some sisterhood thing, either. Right is right. I know you’d do the same, because you’re raising Mark right.”
“I know. I think I just need a couple of days to clear my head.”
I felt so confused.
I just wanted clarity and a sure way out of this situation, but it was too complicated for that. I had a feeling that the answers would come to me in time, but I had never been great at being patient.
Still, I knew true love was worth waiting for and fighting for.
I just had to be the type of person who would fight for it, inst
ead of the type who was afraid to trust or love.
I had lived my life like that for too long. But I was ready to change now, for Neil, just as he had changed his ways for me.
I knew we would work out if only I could get my act together and figure out a way back to him.
Angela and I talked for about an hour, then I let her go so that she could make lunch. Mark was at Donna’s house—my new favorite person—and I decided to suck it up and use this free time off work and without Mark to clean up the house.
There was still wrapping paper everywhere, and Mark’s room was a mess. Usually, I made him clean it up but decided I could do a little straightening.
I wondered if work had seen the piece on the news, then I realized they didn’t know what the front of my house looked like and so far, my name had been kept out of all the stories. So at least I had that much working in my favor through this whole sordid mess.
I went to the kitchen and ran hot water in the sink to do some dishes. As I washed, my mind played through the day before, but backwards. I thought about Donna. I had always treated her with respect, since she was my mother-in-law and the grandmother of my son.
That was about to change now, though. Respect was earned and she was doing the opposite. From now on, I would think of her only as Mark’s grandma, not as my own family.
It made me feel better to realize I didn’t have to feel so wounded by her—she was just someone out to get me, and not a person close to me like I used to hope for. At least I was accepting reality.
Then I thought about Neil, and the lovemaking we had shared together. I had never felt like that before and couldn’t imagine ever having such a close bond with anyone else.
Of course, I wouldn’t be willing to have mind-blowing sex in exchange for being treated badly, but I wasn’t. I had no proof Neil had anything but respect and maybe even love for me.
Even the way he talked about me in high school was like he saw a different girl than every other boy back then had seen. He saw past the big sweatshirts and hoodies and saw me as something beautiful.
I hated to admit it but maybe Angela was right. I shouldn’t be so skeptical and dwell on the negative all the time. Every thought and doubt that I let my mind go to now, and even back when Cindy told me Neil was going to trick me, was just my perception that had developed out of my own trust issues.
I believed the unbelievable. I felt that people I knew weren’t worthy of trust and made Neil into a bad guy both times.
Maybe Neil was right, too, and I was scared of my feelings. There had to be some reason why I kept believing the worst in Neil without evidence.
I couldn’t keep doing this or I would lose him, and I knew now that I didn’t want that.
Of course, Donna was the reason for all of this and not Neil.
Why am I making this so hard for him?
That was the million-dollar question, to which I didn’t have the greatest answer.
All I knew for sure was that I had to stop doing that, if Neil and I had any chance for a happy future together.
Chapter 10
Neil
I still couldn’t believe Becca was doing this and shutting down again, or at least shutting me out. Apparently, this was going to be a pattern with her.
I had called her a bunch of times, and each time it went straight to voicemail. After leaving five messages, I decided to wait and not come off as a stalker, but that was two days ago.
I had called my mom yesterday, even though I had spoken to her early Christmas morning. I needed her advice. I told her about Becca, and the night before and what happened with her mother-in-law.
“Is this the same Becca from high school?”
“How do you know about Becca when you never met her?”
“Neil. Honey. Don’t be upset but I read your journal your senior year of high school.”
“Mom. Are you freaking kidding me?”
“You were brooding and difficult that last month and I was worried. I wasn’t sure if it was trouble with Cindy or worrying about finals and your football scholarship. And then I’m reading about you wanting to break up with Cindy to ask Becca to Prom, only to be turned down. I never liked Cindy, but Becca didn’t seem any better from what I read.”
“You should have asked me what was wrong.”
“And you would have told me?”
“Probably not, but I don’t remember you even trying.”
I sighed and tried to move past my annoyance with her invasion of my privacy. I told her about my talk with Becca on Christmas Eve and finding out that Cindy was the reason Becca had turned me down.
“But I don’t even know how she knew I planned to do that,” I said, after I finished the story. “It’s not like I told her. I’m not that dumb.”
“Hmmm. Well, maybe she found out the same way I did? You know, Cindy came over one day after school and asked to run up to your room to get a lipstick she said she had left,” my mom mused. “She was up there a while, and it’s not like you made the notebook difficult to find. You just stuffed it under your mattress. I could see the corner of it sticking out sometimes when I cleaned. It was right around the time I found out you had broken up with her. And if I saw it and let my curiosity get the best of me—and I really am sorry about that, son—I’m sure she might have, too. Do you think she would have gone up there to read it?”
“Anything’s possible. Cindy would hardly see a problem with invading my privacy to serve her own needs. She did walk in my room once after I’d been writing, and it was sitting on my nightstand,” I told her. “I quickly hid it, hoping she didn’t notice. I can’t imagine what she would have been capable of after reading how I felt about Becca. She could turn rabid towards her best friends when she perceived a slight. But however it happened, and that really does make a lot of sense now, Becca was innocent in all of this, and Cindy ended up hurting us both.”
I was glad I had called my mom to learn this information, even though I was still mad at her for reading my journal. At least it let me fit a piece of the puzzle together, as I had been wondering about that quite a bit.
“So, you really like Becca? Are you willing to change for her?” Mom asked me. “I read the papers, son, and I know you aren’t a model citizen when it comes to dating women. And I guess I should say I’m using the word ‘dating’ lightly.”
If I weren’t such a tough guy I would have blushed. Instead, I rolled my eyes, embarrassed that my mom had to know about my sex life and ways. Or prior sex life and ways, of course.
“Mom, if I wouldn’t have lost Becca in high school, I wouldn’t have become who I am now. I was probably too immature back them to recognize it and would have done some stupid thing to blow it. But now I see it, after these years have passed and I’ve been forced to grow up some. She’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Oh, Neil. I’m so glad to hear you say that. You know I had your father and always wanted you to be able to experience a similar kind of love… ”
She trailed off and I knew she had probably started to cry but didn’t want me to hear her.
“Mom. I know. I’m sorry to burden you over your holiday. I bet the weather is perfect.”
“Never mind that. What I wanted to say is, if she’s the love of your life, don’t you dare give her up without a fight.”
“I’m trying. Trust me.”
“So how old is her son? Mark, you said his name was?”
I could see her already picturing grandkids around the house. Good Lord. I needed to talk to some friends about this. I appreciated her help but thought I had gone a bit overboard in sharing private information with her.
“Mom. Stop. I gotta go and fix this. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay, Son. Good luck. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Mom. Thanks for knocking some sense into me.”
Not matter how embarrassing it might be to have to hear.
Chapter 11
&nbs
p; Becca
Angela and I were out at the mall with the boys. Angela had a couple returns to make, of Christmas presents that didn’t fit or weren’t needed, and she had talked me into coming out with her to get my mind off things, and to give the boys some fun before school started back up next week.
Currently, the boys were visible, but playing in the Electronics department where two big screens were set up in front of an Xbox and Play Station, with the newest, trendy games on display. There was a single teenager enjoying the Play Station, but David and Mark were watching the two pre-teen boys playing the Xbox.
The graphics were incredible, but the game was obviously rather violent, with the avatars using guns and swords to kill and decapitate zombies. Even the blood looked real. More real than some bad horror movies I watched growing up.
While I watched the screen distractedly and thought about pulling Mark away, while knowing that he probably played much worse himself when he was over at Donna’s house, I listened to Angela lecture me on the importance of communication.
“Didn’t you just spend almost a decade not talking to Neil due to some miscommunication? Are you really going to just give him up again without even knowing why? What is wrong with you?”
Angela may have been being harsh, but she right, of course. And I needed some of her tough love right about now, even though I hated to admit it.
“I just don’t know if I have it in me to put myself out there and get hurt,” I confessed. “It hurt enough losing James. Maybe I didn’t love him, but I had to watch Mark lose his father.”
“Yeah, but Neil is the one though, Bec. Neil is the one,” she repeated, as if for emphasis. “I can tell. You might as well have his name tattooed on your forehead. And it was the same for him. Even in the Santa suit, I saw it in his eyes. The impact seeing you had on him.”