So Good for Me: Bad Boy Forbidden Love Romance Collection

by Jamie Knight

  It had only been a few years, and yet, somehow my first love was so different from my memory. Still, my body felt called to hers. In those arms, I had felt more pleasure than anything else in my life. I wanted to taste her, touch every curve, smell the delicate scent that came from her hair.

  “Lila?” I said, meaning it more as a question to the universe.

  Slowly, she turned, her head following her hips, as her green eyes slowly fell on me. There were thousands of reactions my lost love could have had. I had known her most of our lives. Our dads had been best friends, and I could guess at what Lila was feeling better than most. Though even I couldn’t have predicted what happened next.

  Lila grew pale, even more pale than her typical ivory, which I really didn’t think was possible — her complexion was already a couple of tones up from milk. She swayed in a very alarming manner and swooned dead away into the arms of the startled looking stranger standing beside her.

  A switch flipped in my mind. I had the sudden urge to get her away from the savage brute who was manhandling her. Even though my saner side could clearly see that he was as surprised as anyone and probably had no idea who my former lover was. The stranger must have seen me coming, all the fires of Hades burning in my eyes, because he gently put Lila down on the carpet and backed away, his hands raised in innocence.

  I ignored him, focusing my attention on Lila, laying out like Snow White on the tasteful burgundy carpet of the office. Scooping her up like Superman, I carried her to the breakroom. An annoying, high-pitched sound seemed to be coming from behind me. I figured it must be the leftover ring from the most recent self-inflicted assault on my eardrums. I reminded myself, not for the first time, that I should be more careful, or the hum would become permanent.

  It wasn’t until I got Lila onto the couch that I realized that the noise was the shrill objections being raised by a woman about Lila’s age who had somehow managed to keep pace with me all the way to the breakroom.

  “You can’t be back here,” I told her sharply.

  “I’m not leaving without my friend,” said the interloper, crossing her arms, looking the very picture of intractability.

  “Really?” I asked, getting to my full six-foot height and looming over her.

  “Yes,” she said unmoved.

  “Shall we see what security has to see about that?”

  “Jinx?”

  We both looked at the couch as Lila came back around, glaring at me like I was coming at her with a goalie mask and a chainsaw. Out of nowhere, she basically launched herself to her feet, booted out of the room, and then the Sure Thing office. Her friend ran after.

  I tried to follow, but they were surprisingly fast. Fear will do that, I guess. By the time I got down to the road, the two women were leaping into a silver sedan and speeding away like a couple of bank robbers with the friend behind the wheel. I did, however, make out a bumper sticker for an NGO.

  I made a note in the Moleskine notebook I always carried, hoping it was a clue and not a campaign to save the world by getting a free bumper sticker.

  Once I had seen Lila, I knew I had to see her again. There was just no choice.

  Chapter Three - Lila

  It’s funny how things work out sometimes. In retrospect, I probably could’ve handled seeing Jinx again better. Fainting and running is not my status quo behavior. But let’s see how you take it when the man of your dreams just pops up out of the blue after years of no contact.

  To be fair to Jinx, I have gone to his office, though to be fair to me, I didn’t know it was his office at the time. Aria and I had only really been at Sure Thing Graphics for a meeting with Chris, the Art Director, to commission the firm to do some advertising for our NGO, Desert Protect. We heard they were the best in town and figured it was worth a shot.

  My hands are still shaking as we speed away from the building. The car is silent. Aria and I didn’t really talk to each other for a while, which is probably good because I don’t know what I would’ve said anyway.

  My best friend and coworker glances over from the driver’s seat. I can tell she is worried about me.

  “So that was definitely Carl? Like definitely?” I ask quietly, using Jinx’s real name. My body curls into itself. I put my hands on my own shoulders, trying to find comfort.

  “Sure looked like him. I’d know those shoulders anywhere. Though keep in mind, I have never actually seen him in person. Only the picture you keep by the crib, so Billy knows what his dad looks like.”

  I couldn’t believe I had found Jinx after two years of nothing — and accidentally to boot. What the heck was he doing at an advertising company? He couldn’t draw as far as I knew. Was he there as a manager?

  My former flame was always good at smooth talking people. He had gotten me into his bed after all. Oh, and the fights he had talked himself out of in the years we had known each other. Did Jinx have hidden artistic talent? It wouldn’t be the first time he had hidden something from me. Even though I really felt like I was the person who knew him best outside of his immediate family, including his stepmother, who was even younger than him.

  I was full of questions, but even more than that, I was full of anger. I didn’t know how I would feel when I saw the father of my child again, or if I saw him again after he left me confused and pregnant without a word.

  Carl hadn’t known I was pregnant at the time, but the betrayal ran deep. It should have been pretty obvious to most people, but he had really gone off the rails by that point. If it wasn’t the gambling, it was the drinking, and I suspected he was also using drugs.

  The only real consolation was I was pretty sure he wasn’t cheating on me. He wouldn’t have been in any fit state to fuck someone else even if the opportunity presented itself. Cold comfort, but I was more than willing to take what I could get.

  I couldn’t believe it when he disappeared. No one knew where he was. Not even his dad or the cops, who had done a proper investigation. As far as anyone could tell, Jinx had fallen off the face of the earth. Our dads and I even paid for missing posters, but nothing came up.

  It was like torture going through all the what-ifs. A lot of them revolving around what I might have done or not have done to keep Jinx around, though I was pretty sure it didn’t have too much to do with me. I probably wasn’t even an afterthought, or he would have left some kind of clue of where he was going or what was going on.

  Somewhere along the line, I had convinced myself that my love had died somehow. This only unleashed a new sort of hell in my thoughts as I fixated on how this might have happened and where the body was buried. For a while, mainly after our son was born, I would have dreams, nightmares really, about digging up a skeleton in an unmarked grave. The pale light of the full moon shining like a dimmer sun, illuminating the white bones, making them appear as though they glowed. The dream always ended with a hand landing on my shoulder and me waking up screaming.

  The scream made both me and Aria jump with fear. We had arrived back at her house, and she was just trying to wake me. I really didn’t know why she stuck by me when I was such a mess. Yet, stick she did. Aria even let my son and I stay with her and her grandmother. I really didn’t know how I would get by without her help.

  Leaning on my friend, I made it up the front steps and through the front door.

  “Hey, honey,” Irene called from the living room.

  “Hey, grandma.”

  Billy, my son, was on the floor, further honing his crawling skills, which he seemed to have down to a science, moving as fast as I could walk. I scooped him up, snuggling him tightly. He giggled, thinking it was a game.

  “Is Lila even more pale than usual?” I heard Irene ask.

  “She saw Billy’s daddy.”

  “What? Where?”

  “At the advertising firm. Apparently, he works there.”

  “Oh, dear!” Irene gasped, putting a hand to her chest.

  I hugged my baby, trying to quel
l the angry fire burning inside me, though if anything it made it worse. Holding Billy made me feel betrayed and bitter all over again. Not at Billy but at Jinx for abandoning us.

  I was really torn as to whether I should forget I ever saw Jinx again or confront him and demand an explanation as to how he could have dumped me so cruelly, especially when he didn’t even have the good manners to be dead like I thought he was. At least I would have some time to think it over, and I knew where to find him if I decided that’s what I wanted to do.

  I felt a strange and distant pang of guilt at the idea of not telling him about Billy, now that I knew he was actually alive. Though I knew, without really having to think about it that I wasn’t ready to have that conversation.

  I carried Billy into our room, laying him down in his crib. The same one that had been in my family for about ten generations. It was nothing if not secure. The bars being high and wood. There was about a seventy percent chance that Billy would start chewing on the bars at some point, but at least I knew they wouldn’t have lead-based paint. Pre-dating it by several years.

  “Night, Daddy,” Billy said, waving his little hand at the picture of Carl, already going past my prompting.

  It usually made me feel good when he did that. Thought the action tonight was like opening a fresh wound. I slipped out of the room so my baby boy could sleep, not sure what else to do.

  I went into the living room for some wine and conversation. The wine was excellent and made me feel warm. I also decided that I was going to tell Jinx about Billy. It was the right thing to do, though I had no idea if he was going to care.

  Chapter Four - Jinx

  The night after I saw Lila, I couldn’t sleep. The air conditioner blew heavily, but it was like I could not escape the heat of the Vegas desert. My mind raced as I tossed and turned. The constant movement annoyed Lucky, and even he abandoned me for the comfort of the couch.

  I certainly had a lot to regret, most of it self-inflicted. I didn’t regret going into rehab. It was the best thing I ever did. However, I did regret not telling anyone I was going. That was an epically dick move. It wasn’t like they wouldn’t have understood. My addiction was an open secret at my dad’s Casino, where I worked. Yet they kept me on, because I was good at what I did, and people will look the other way if they’re making money.

  I felt worst about Lila. She had been so good to me for so many years. First as a friend then as a lover. She never demanded anything from me. I dreaded the idea that she might have thought my leaving had been somehow her fault. If something she had said or done had driven me away.

  It was about my love, strangely. Not because Lila drove me away but because I realized that I was no longer the man I had been when we had fallen in love. I had to find him again if we were ever going to have any future together.

  Of course, that entire idea fell apart when I actually got out of rehab and felt far too ashamed to face her again. I wanted to see Lila but couldn’t fathom what I would say.

  That idea haunted my dreams at night. That night, Lila was walking down a long highway. I was running after her trying to talk to her, to apologize for how I had acted. But no matter how fast I ran, I just couldn’t reach her. She kept getting further and further away. Then there was a baby crying.

  The baby was still crying when I woke up, adding to the realism of the whole ordeal. I wondered what that could have been about. In any case, I knew what I had to do. I had to find Lila, wherever she was, and give an explanation for my disappearance two years before. I owed her that and a whole lot more. I didn’t expect a second chance and knew I really didn’t deserve it anyway, but I figured it was worth a try.

  The NGO’s office wasn’t too difficult to find. There really weren’t that many NGO’s in Vegas. At least not as many as there would be in San Francisco or Portland, where it really would be like a needle in a haystack. Particularly not an environmental agency like Lila worked for. I suppose there was something about living in the desert that made people happy to be alive in general, without much of a thought for the planet at large. I had gone to college in Washington State and had a bit of a broader perspective on the matter.

  Walking through the glass doors emblazoned with the Desert Protect logo on them, I planned to pour on the charm to get past the receptionist if needed. Truth be told, there really wasn’t much I wasn’t willing to do to see Lila again. Even if she threw hot coffee on me, it would be great to see her and still much more than I deserved.

  As it turned out, I didn’t need to charm my way past the receptionist. Lila was the receptionist — who just so happened to be on a call. Things were so crazy the day before, I couldn’t even be entirely sure I had seen the NGO bumper sticker. It really was a leap of faith, hoping the fates might take pity on me. Or at least that they might pity Lila and let me give her closure for herself if not for me.

  Truth be told, I wouldn’t have minded getting back with my old flame. I wasn’t daft enough to think that things could ever be the way they were before. They were never going to be. Even if we had stayed together, things would have changed. That was just the nature of existence, and I had always found it easier to just go with it rather than trying to fight it.

  Lila’s cheeks were thinner, which was surprising because her body had gotten a bit curvier. She had seemed the same at the office, but I really wasn’t seeing her clearly. The only things about her that remained unchanged were her white-blonde hair, ivory skin, and her startling blue eyes that seemed like they could look right down into your soul.

  My ex finished her call and looked up, almost making me fall down. I was so dazzled by her beauty, I barely noticed her pointing to the door behind me. Telling me, wordlessly, to get the fuck out. Lila didn’t need to know sign language — which she did — to let me know this with nothing more than a gesture. In case her nostril-flaring fury wasn’t quite enough to carry the message across.

  Fortunately, I had a comeback and crooked my finger for her to follow me, making it clear that I wasn’t going to be put off so easily. I was on a mission, dammit, and I was damn well going to give it my best bloody try.

  I was at the office so early, there was no one there to look to when Lila glanced desperately around the room, hoping for any excuse to get rid of me. After appearing quite torn for a while, she got up from the desk and came toward me a few feet. Generally a good sign, though, I really didn’t think it was going to be for a hug. I could feel her rage from across the room, as sure as if she had been literally burning with it.

  I opened the front door and looked back to see if she was following me. Instead, Lila crossed her arms and stood firm in the middle of the lobby. I knew from long experience, there was no point in trying to argue with her when she just wasn’t in the mood for it.

  Leaving the door with a jingle, the little bell attached to it jangling wildly, I went back to her, standing well within punching distance, if that was the route she chose to go. I had never known my ex to be particularly violent, but people could be unpredictable when emotions were high. I was prepared for the worst.

  “Speak,” she said, addressing me as the dog that I felt I was.

  “It sounds pathetic, but I’m sorry.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You’re right, it does sound pathetic, what the hell are you doing in Vegas and not working for your dad?”

  “I could ask the same question.”

  Lila fumed and stamped one of her feet. “Yes, but you fucking won’t because you weren’t the one who was betrayed and abandoned without a fucking explanation,” she said, poking me in the chest like she used to do when we were kids.

  I sighed. “Fair enough. Basically, I realized I couldn’t live with myself anymore. I’m not saying I was suicidal. I’m not digging for sympathy here. I’m just trying to tell the truth. Things had gotten out of hand, and I was acting like an asshole.”

  “No argument here, bub.”

  “I didn’t want to be an asshole, so I went i
nto rehab to try and learn how to not be an asshole again.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I thought Lila might be skeptical, which was fair enough. That was why I had made sure to bring my card from the facility that marked me as an Outpatient. I had started as an inpatient. No straight jackets or anything. They just kept me in my room for a while. Particularly after I was caught trying to get bets going on the ping-pong matches in the rec room.

  “Oh,” Lila said, staring at the official-looking document.

  “Yeah.” I nodded, looking down into her light-blue eyes. “Still angry?”

  “Of course.” She sighed and turned away from me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  It was my turn to look away. “It probably doesn’t help, but I really didn’t tell anyone to be honest. I really wasn’t in any fit state to be going over it all. I just needed to get out and get help. Of course, when I did get help and realized what had happened, I felt really ashamed about what I did.”

  Lila let out a deep breath in a hiss. “You could have contacted me after if you cared.”

  Resisting the urge to take her in my arms, I looked into her face. “No, I couldn’t. I did care. Of course, I did. I also knew that I wasn’t good enough for you.”

  Shock passed over her features, her lips dropping open just slightly. But it was gone quickly. “It’s not productive to argue,” Lila said.

  “I’m not arguing,” I pointed out.

  She wasn’t listening to me. Lila folded her arms over her chest, walking back towards the reception desk. “We can’t resolve anything right now, but I have something to tell you.”

  Then, as though the scene had been penned by the world’s premier dramatist, the phone rang, and she had to go and get it. Still on the call, my ex waved me over and wrote the name of what I assumed to be a bar and 8:00pm on a post-it then handed it to me.