Normally I would have stayed out longer—I’d been spending twenty, thirty minutes wandering every morning so far—but just five minutes after I’d left, I was back at the door to mine and Rowan's cabin.
He’d wonder why I was back so soon, and I’d have to explain myself, but I knew he’d listen. Not only would he listen—he’d be sympathetic. He might even have had some advice.
I hadn’t wanted to drag Rowan into the mess my life was, but I was glad now that he’d come along willingly. I wanted us to be friends when all this was over. I’d never had a friend like him.
A muffled gasp caught my attention the second I walked through the door, and I looked over at the bed to see Rowan—
Oh.
Oh no.
Shit.
We locked eyes for a few long moments and I pretended as hard as I could that I didn’t have a full view of his cock in his hand, slick with precome. What he was doing couldn’t have been more obvious if he’d texted me to say so.
Rowan grabbed the covers, pulling them over himself haphazardly, his face going red from his hairline down.
“I’ll be outside,” I squeaked, turning away and slipping back into the hallway as my heart raced in my chest.
I’d walked in on him masturbating. Cheeks flushed, lip bitten, eyes hooded with pleasure, glazed and distant.
I was never getting that image out of my head. The split second had been enough to sear it into my brain.
My brain was currently filing it away in a corner I normally visited while I was doing what Rowan had been doing, nestled comfortably between some of my favorite porn and a hookup I’d forgotten everything about except for the way he moaned, like I was the best thing that’d ever happened to him.
Reality crashed down on me a second later. I hadn’t been meant to see that, I’d walked in on something he’d been doing while I was out for a reason.
I’d lived with enough other people that getting walked in on didn’t even bother me anymore, but Rowan was so private. How was he going to react to this? How were we going to get past it?
The door opened behind me, a rumpled, sleepy-eyed Rowan wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt peering at me from the gap in it.
“Sorry,” he said.
“I came back early.”
That was why I’d caught him. Maybe he did this every morning and I’d never noticed until now because I was away half an hour, not five minutes. He had plenty of time to get off and shower in that time, and he was always dressed when I got back.
I suddenly had so many questions, and not a single one of them was appropriate to ask.
Rowan pulled the door open a little wider. “Come inside,” he said, the pink flush across his cheekbones practically fluorescent, lower lip dark, glossy, and swollen.
Where he’d been biting it, my brain reminded me. I’d seen him biting his lip, flushed and panting with effort and arousal, long fingers curled around a pretty, thick cock he absolutely didn’t need to be ashamed of.
I forced myself not to glance down at his crotch, not wanting to make things any more awkward as I sidled back into the room.
We stood two feet apart, Rowan looking down at his feet, me studying the painting on the wall for long moments.
“Well,” Rowan said after a moment, clearing his throat. “I suppose that was bound to happen eventually.”
I wanted to say something comforting, but as soon as I opened my mouth, I burst into laughter instead. Horrified, I slapped a hand over my mouth, but it was too late.
Rowan's soft, bitten lips twitched, then stretched into a smile as he laughed, too, cheeks still flushed and shoulders still slumped with embarrassment.
He sat down on the bed, dissolving into giggles like a teenager at getting busted jerking off.
“Probably should have being doing that in the shower,” he said, glancing up at me through those ridiculous eyelashes, cheeks still flushed, lower lip drawn between his teeth again.
Could’ve just asked me, I thought.
Wait.
Did I mean that?
What did it mean if I meant that?
“So…” I hesitated. “Is this… what you’ve been doing every morning while I’m out?”
Rowan's blush darkened.
“Oh my God,” I said, shocked. Buttoned-up Rowan who didn’t have sex with strangers and didn’t own a pair of shorts had been masturbating every morning while I was wandering around the deck.
I hadn’t touched my own cock other than to wash or piss since we left.
“Oh my God,” I repeated, breaking into laughter and collapsing onto the bed next to him. “All this time I’ve thought you were some kind of shy, demure, practically virginal sweetheart and now this.”
“I’m not a virgin,” Rowan said. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
I laughed again, all out of other reactions to this whole situation.
“Do you want me to go out again? Because I can,” I offered.
“You’d know,” Rowan objected.
“I’m gonna know now anyway,” I pointed out. “This isn’t the kind of thing you just forget.”
Rowan cleared his throat. “I’m obviously not doing it anymore. Just… got into the habit.”
Wait.
After that first morning when we’d woken tangled up together?
I’d been too horrified to check for a reaction. But he couldn’t… he wasn’t interested, right? Or we wouldn’t be pretending to date, we’d be actually having all the mind-blowing sex I’d been letting Craig think we were.
Wait. Hold on.
Would we? If I thought Rowan was interested, would I…?
“I’m sorry,” Rowan said. “I’ve just made things so awkward and I really don’t want them to be.”
“You haven’t.” I sat up, pushing any and all thoughts about whether or not I wanted to sleep with Rowan aside. Now wasn’t the time. “Honestly, it’s no big deal. You never lived with other guys in college?”
Rowan's wince spoke a thousand words.
“I’d like to think I have more composure and self-control than a college student,” he said.
“You’re allowed to be human,” I said, which was something I thought maybe Rowan needed to hear. “And considering what you’re doing for me? I can give you half an hour of alone time a day to, uh, take care of things.”
“I really couldn’t if I knew you knew,” Rowan said.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, saving me from imagining Rowan jerking off. We must’ve been in range of the cell towers on St. Kitts now.
Tyler: still on for lunch?
“One of your two new boyfriends wants to know if we’re still coming to lunch today,” I teased.
Rowan flopped back onto the bed. The thin t-shirt he’d been sleeping in rode up, revealing a strip of skin and his neatly-trimmed happy trail disappearing into the low-slung sweatpants that he was clearly wearing without underwear right now.
I licked my suddenly-dry lips, heat trickling down to the pit of my stomach as an image of climbing on top of him played in my head. Straddling his ridiculously slender hips, taking my turn at biting his lower lip, pushing his sweats out of the way and stroking his cock since I’d so rudely interrupted him before he finished getting off.
A lump sprang up in my throat.
I did want him, didn’t I? He wasn’t even close to my normal type, but that was the whole point, wasn’t it? My normal type sucked.
Rowan was different. He was quiet and kind and gentle, and it was so easy to imagine him melting under kisses and touches, awkward tension fading away until all that was left was gorgeous blue eyes and warm smiles, happy little gasps that went straight to my cock even though I was only imagining them.
I could not be thinking any of this. Rowan trusted me, and here I was about to drool on him at the thought of how good the sex could have been.
And it could have been so good. Every part of me knew that Rowan was considerate and thorough in bed.
; A shiver ran down my spine as I imagined his hands on me, taking his time as he explored and touched and figured out exactly what I liked before mercilessly exploiting it to make me come.
That was what I wanted, for once in my life. To be something other than convenient.
I didn’t just want Rowan. I wanted Rowan to want me.
My stomach twisted at the thought. That was the problem, wasn’t it? Why the hell would someone like him want someone like me?
“They’re not my boyfriends,” he said. “Tyler is definitely yours.”
I snorted. I had… a suspicion or two about that, but I didn’t want to say it out loud in case I was wrong and looked like an idiot later. A particularly horny idiot.
Especially since I was, actually, a particularly horny idiot.
“I’m telling him we’re still coming to lunch,” I said, pausing to text back a quick yep, just tell us where to meet you.
“And then I’m gonna shower and get breakfast. Unless you wanna go first?”
The fading blush highlighting Rowan's cheeks rushed back to full crimson.
“Or we could shower together,” I teased.
… and immediately regretted it when my brain gave me a full HD preview of a wet, naked Rowan pressed against the shower tiles, panting and gasping and whispering that he’d never done this before in my ear.
“I think you’ve seen enough of me to last you a lifetime,” Rowan said. “You go first. I’m not sure I want breakfast this morning, anyway.”
My heart sank for him. The last thing I’d wanted was to make him worry—and it was obvious that if he didn’t want to eat, it was because he was worried.
Stomach swooping, I reached out and took his hand, squeezing his fingers. With a surge of courage, I leaned closer, shoving my own nerves aside and kissing his cheek.
Rowan's breath hitched, but I could feel a tiny amount of tension flowing out of him.
“Stop freaking out,” I said softly. “We’re still friends. I’m not mad. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.”
I only got a glance but it sure looked like you have a really nice cock, I didn’t add. It probably wouldn’t have helped.
“Friends?” Rowan asked, caution in his voice as though he could barely believe it.
“Obviously.” I squeezed his hand again, then finally let go and stood. “Rowan, you’ve been a better friend to me these last few days than almost anyone else in the entire rest of my life. We’re friends. I’m hoping we can walk off this ship and still be that way.”
There was that pretty blush back again. I was really starting to like that.
“I’d like to be your friend,” he said quietly.
“Already are.” I shrugged, pulling my t-shirt off over my head and pacing toward the bathroom, but not daring to look back and see if he was looking.
I wanted him to be looking, and I wasn’t sure what to do about that feeling just yet.
Jerking off very quietly in the shower was probably a sensible first step.
9
Rowan
St. Kitts might have been the windiest place on Earth, which only reminded me that hurricane season was approaching. Nothing was forecast to happen, but I’d been nervous about that before other, bigger things to worry about had happened, and now standing in the remains of Brimstone Hill Fortress, I remembered that particular concern with full force.
The sea surrounding us looked calm enough, and yet…
Lee's hand slipped into mine—Craig and Benji had ended up on the same tour as the two of us—and the worry faded back, giving way to a pleasant tingle that rolled down my spine and curled up in the pit of my stomach.
At some point, I was going to have to accept the little crush I was developing on him.
“They used to hang pirates over there,” Lee said, waving at the silhouette of Nevis—the smaller sister island—across the water. “The irony is that the French, British, and Spanish were too busy squabbling over the place for pirates to bother trying to move in, mostly. Probably made a good living waiting for them to sink each other’s ships and picking them clean after.”
“That’s…” I paused, searching for a word. “Grim.”
“People gonna people.” Lee shrugged, shifting his grip on my hand.
I wanted to put my arms around him and breathe in his increasingly familiar scent, but I thought that might have been a step too far. Even with Craig watching.
“It’s beautiful, though,” he continued. “I think about running away to an island like this sometimes, long peaceful days when nothing much happens.”
“Boat loads of tourists coming in weekly and disrupting your peace,” I added, smiling to myself. I’d had the same thought, imagined running away from everything to live in a cabin in the woods or something.
But I’d been a city creature since I was born and I’d miss the convenience. No one was going to deliver my groceries to a hunting lodge in the Rockies.
“They might be attractive tourists,” Lee said. “I could open a bar. Something on the beach. Maybe one of the less popular beaches, hidden away, bit exclusive. Might be the island’s only gay bar.”
“I’m not sure that’s the most profitable business venture you could come up with.”
Lee chuckled. “It’s not about profit. It’s about a fresh start.”
“Do you need one that badly?” I asked, tightening my grip on his hand.
A sigh made his shoulders heave in time with the constant, pulsing bluster up on the top of the hill. “No,” he said. “Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.”
There was that urge to hug him again.
Craig had been… I didn’t want to say cruel, because I didn’t know the man, but callous, definitely. Lee's heart was bruised and scratched and in need of tender handling for a while.
Which made me feel even more guilty and awkward for developing a crush on him. The last thing he needed was me. Difficult, cold, distant, disinterested. All things I’d heard from previous boyfriends, sometimes all at once.
No. I’d keep my feelings to myself.
Footsteps approaching from behind stopped me from thinking of something comforting to say.
“Hey, uh,” Benji spoke up, forcing us to turn around and face him. I kept my grip on Lee's hand, determined not to give Craig or his new boy-toy any reason to think we were anything other than smitten.
“I wanted, umm.” Benji scratched the back of his neck. “To… I mean, Craig said it was okay if I asked you guys if you wanted to come to lunch with us. I thought maybe it’d be nice?”
My opinion of Benji was slowly changing the more I saw of him. I still didn’t think he was the brightest crayon in the box, but I was starting to see glimpses of what I thought a younger Lee might have been like. Uncertain of himself, defined by his current relationship. Quick to let someone else take charge because working out what he wanted for himself was hard, and being alone was harder. Not having thoughts and opinions of his own made it easy for him to get along with men like Craig, who were at least company.
The more I learned about Lee, and Craig, and what their relationship had been like, the more my heart ached for Benji. I’d watched him stroking the petals of a flower earlier before Craig sneered at him for it and he immediately lost all interest.
There was something bright about his soul, but he didn’t have the self-confidence to let anyone else see it.
I hoped he’d get away from Craig after this.
“That’s very kind,” I said, since Lee had frozen at the offer. That, more than anything, was how I knew what kind of person Craig was. Lee was like a rabbit staring down a wolf every time he was nearby. “But we’ve already made lunch arrangements.”
Some of the hope faded from Benji’s eyes.
“Maybe another day?” I offered, another pang of guilt making my stomach hurt.
I’d only nibbled at breakfast, and now I wasn’t sure whether I was starving, or I felt sick.
Benji’s face lit right back up, soothing
the worst of my anxiety about letting him down. I didn’t want to let anyone down, and I was still recovering from not being the perfect roommate for Lee this morning. He seemed to have forgiven me, but I hadn’t forgiven myself yet.
“I’d like that,” he said, grinning at us and then practically skipping back to the safety of Craig’s side.
I could feel Lee glaring at me without having to look.
“What was I supposed to say?” I asked. “He looked so miserable when I said no.”
Lee sighed. “You’re too soft for your own good.”
“I’ll take the fall for whatever excuses we need to make to get out of it,” I offered.
Lee didn’t need any more exposure to Craig than he was already getting. He’d come back to the room early this morning because of him.
Knowing that also made me feel worse. I should have been there to… to listen, at least.
“I’m an adult,” Lee said. “I can tell Craig I don’t wanna hang out with him myself.”
I got the impression it’d be good for Lee to do exactly that. Not that I was about to say so. As far as I was concerned, I was still skating on thin ice.
“Come on,” I said, tugging Lee toward the tour bus, where our guide was telling us it was time to head back. “Before they leave us behind.”
“Rowan,” Andries enthused. “Lee! You made it.”
Andries pulled me into a hug, then passed me off to Tyler and went to Lee, greeting us as warmly as if we were old friends. Normally I would have been uncomfortable with that, but…
I supposed I really was taking a vacation from being Rowan. I liked Andries, and I liked his husband, and I was glad he was treating me like a friend. That meant I’d made three on this trip.
Which brought my total number of friends to… three.
Maybe my sister had been right. I didn’t plan on telling her that, but I was starting to accept it.
“This place took some finding,” Lee said, looking around at the very, very quiet beachside grill with interest.
Andries smiled broadly. “That would be because it isn’t officially open yet. The owner happens to be a very dear friend of mine.”
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