Cruising

by Sean Ashcroft

  A bitten-off whine rang in my ears as Rowan finally came, whole body tensing, the sudden clench of inner muscles tugging me over the edge with him. Stars burst in front of my eyes as I groaned, louder than I meant to, orgasm dragged out of me by the roll of his hips and the sound of him gasping and hiccupping his way through his own, grunts of effort and pleasure telling the whole story of how long and hard he’d just come.

  My head spun as we slowed to a stop, exhausted body grateful to sink into the mattress and lean on Rowan’s back, warm and sweat-dewy and smelling of…

  Not of home, exactly, but of what I wished home smelled like.

  Goddammit I was in too deep here. How was I meant to give him up in the morning? How could I live the rest of my life having had this and then losing it?

  Blood rushed in my ears as I caught my breath, my cheeks burning for once as I thought of how desperately I wished this didn’t have to be over and how ashamed of myself I was for falling in love with Rowan. He didn’t want that, did he?

  He would’ve said something by now. Right?

  You haven’t said anything, either.

  Pushing that thought aside, I let my eyes fall closed and focused on cataloguing exactly how this felt. The warmth of Rowan’s skin, the way he smelled, the satisfying exhaustion in every muscle I had.

  I was half-asleep by the time Rowan shifting to get more comfortable startled me out of debating whether or not I should count the freckles across his shoulders.

  We both shifted, curling up together comfortably like it was the most natural thing in the world, like we’d been married twenty years and in love every minute, happy and content.

  Still having so much sex that Rowan was surprised I could keep going.

  I grinned at that thought. Once he’d gotten over the shock, he’d been so enthusiastic about it. Given another few months—or years, or a lifetime—I could have worked miracles with his sex drive.

  Not that it really needed miracle-working. Rowan was perfect just the way he was.

  The thought of losing him made my stomach clench, and I snuggled a little closer to remind myself that for now, he was still here. For now, I could enjoy this.

  “Can I tell you something?” I asked, kissing along his shoulder again.

  “Of course,” Rowan murmured, sleepy. He’d listen, though. He’d listen if I talked until the sun rose and the cabin steward came to get the sheets, and then he’d lead me outside and listen some more.

  “I…”

  You’re not a rebound and I want us to stay like this forever and I know I don’t deserve you but I wish I did and I’ll do everything I can to make you happy if you’ll just let me stay.

  I swallowed back the words, and felt a stone drop into my stomach.

  I love you, please don’t walk away.

  My stomach twisted around the stone. Just as well Rowan couldn’t see my face while I thought all this.

  “I’ve had a lot of fun,” I said, throat closing up as I realized it sounded a whole lot like goodbye.

  “So have I,” Rowan murmured. “Thank you.”

  Stay with me.

  We should keep doing this.

  I opened my mouth to say it, but my whole head filled with Craig’s laughter.

  Asking him to marry me had been a desperate Hail Mary attempt at keeping him, keeping my life together, not feeling like I’d just wasted three years of it chasing hopelessly after a man who stayed with me only because it was convenient to have a boyfriend instead of having to find a hookup. He’d done us both a favor by walking away, cruel as he’d been about it.

  Rowan wasn’t cruel. He’d never laugh at me.

  But he wouldn’t want me, either. Not after this was over. He’d set the terms, and that meant it was up to him to change them.

  I was too afraid of rejection to risk it.

  I’ll miss you, I didn’t say.

  Rowan was already asleep.

  “I love you,” I murmured into his hair instead. “I love you.”

  25

  Rowan

  Lee was fast asleep when I woke, so I indulged in a soft kiss to his forehead, dressed, and took myself outside in the hopes of clearing my head.

  He’d woken me half a dozen times last night, twice for sex and the rest accidentally as he’d shifted positions, making sure he was cuddled up to me no matter which way he was lying.

  I was past wondering why he was enjoying this, now—I still didn’t understand, but I knew it was true. Lee was having fun, with me, and I wouldn’t have asked him to stop for anything.

  What I did wonder was whether last night had just been about enjoying what was left of our time together, or if it was more of the same panicky desperation I was feeling. The knowledge that we were about to be separated weighed heavy on me.

  If I thought Lee felt the same way, maybe I could…

  Ask him to come on a date when we were back ashore, at least. In a week or two, when we’d had a little time to put things in perspective.

  But I needed a sign. Right now, all of my memories with Lee were a whirlwind of happiness and laughter, and the last thing I wanted was to sour that on the last day by asking for something he didn’t want.

  We could walk away happy, with a store of good memories, right now. Neither of us had said anything awkward or uncomfortable.

  I didn’t want to be the one to ruin it. To watch the cheerful light fade out of Lee's eyes if he had to let me down gently, remind me this arrangement was until the end of the cruise and not a moment more.

  That he’d had a lot of fun, but fun was all he felt, and he didn’t want to string me along back in the real world.

  He would be gentle, and gentle would be so much worse. I’d been ghosted, I’d been shouted at, I’d been texted to say things weren’t working out, but being told, face to face, that I was wonderful but just not for Lee would have cut the deepest of all.

  I wanted to be for Lee. His. His to rely on and drag off on adventures and curl up to of an evening, forever, because I couldn’t bear the thought of not being that.

  “Finally kicked you out, has he?” a familiar voice asked.

  I turned to see Craig striding toward me. The last thing I wanted to handle right now.

  “He’s asleep,” I said. “Or he was when I left.”

  The image of Lee smiling just slightly as I’d kissed him before leaving played through my mind again, heart aching with a sudden wave of tenderness.

  I loved him. I’d fallen in love with him, that ship had sailed, and I couldn’t do anything about it now except try to minimize the hurt when it was all over.

  “The look on your face,” Craig said, laughing. “You’ve gone and fallen in love with him.”

  Was it that obvious? Would Lee know, too?

  Did he already know?

  “I—”

  “No, no, don’t misunderstand me,” Craig said. “Lee and I are over, we were over a long time before we were officially over. He’ll crawl into any warm bed given half a chance and it just happened mine was nearby long after I’d lost any other interest in him.”

  A bristle of anger pricked at the back of my neck. It was all about Craig, wasn’t it?

  “He’ll even climb into the warm bed of a complete stranger,” Craig added with an edge to it. “For the sake of trying to make me jealous. And he couldn’t have picked a better idiot. Hope you’ve enjoyed the sex.”

  He knew.

  I didn’t know how he knew, but he knew.

  He might have known all along.

  I hadn’t felt seasick once on this whole journey, but my stomach turned over all of a sudden.

  “Oh, you didn’t know? You thought maybe he was falling for you?” Craig asked.

  Yes.

  Maybe.

  It’d seemed like an uncertain maybe, sure, but it wasn’t literally impossible, was it? That Lee could feel for me some fraction of what I felt for him, that he’d at least miss me when I was gone?

  Craig laughed again, cold
and cruel.

  “He’s good, I’ll give him that. I bet he’s had you fawning over him the whole time. Look at you, and look at him. He turns heads wherever he goes, and you… what do you have to offer him?”

  I love him, I thought, the mental equivalent of a child claiming they weren’t tired at bed time.

  I knew. I knew what Craig was saying was true.

  I didn’t belong with Lee.

  “You’ll get over it,” Craig said. “If you ask nicely he might even throw a few more pity fucks your way before we make it to port.”

  The thought made me want to be sick.

  That wasn’t…

  It couldn’t have been what all this had been about. No. Lee…

  Lee liked me, at least. I was sure of it. He wasn’t having pity sex with me.

  Was he?

  My stomach turned again, twisting into knots at the thought.

  Craig was a liar, and he was a cruel man, and he’d been cruel to Lee, but he was right. Lee wouldn’t want me after this. The deal had been to stick together until the end of the cruise. That was what he’d agreed to, because we both had use for it.

  Things had gotten a little more complicated than that along the way, but that didn’t change anything. Why should it?

  The moment we got off this boat I was back to being boring Rowan who would never have agreed to any of this in the first place again.

  I needed to get away. Away from Craig, away from everyone.

  “He’s so much better off without you,” I said, gritting my teeth.

  That was the one thing I was sure of. Craig may have broken Lee's heart, but better he did that now than later.

  Lee was going to live a much happier life without him than with him.

  I pushed past Craig, heading back below deck and toward the cabin before realizing that Lee would be in there, and he’d see that I was upset, and then I’d have to explain myself.

  And I couldn’t. The one person I couldn’t talk to was Lee.

  The irony that up until this morning he’d felt like the one person I could talk to wasn’t lost on me.

  Losing him would hurt, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I couldn’t think past the panic at the thought that this was all going to be over, that I was going to miss him. Constantly.

  Maybe for as long as I lived.

  Stomach flipping over, I turned away from the cabin door with one final look.

  Better to do it like ripping off a bandaid. Lee could probably use a break from me by now, anyway.

  26

  Lee

  “Rowan?” I rolled over, looking for him on the other side of the bed and finding it empty.

  I strained my ears for a moment, expecting to hear the shower running, but the room was silent.

  Rowan's side of the bed was nearly cold when I reached out to touch it. He’d been gone a while.

  But where?

  An uncomfortable, tight feeling curled up in the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t spent more than a few minutes away from him in days, and now Rowan had just… up and disappeared.

  On our last day together.

  I sat up, looking around for a note with hope in my heart, but there was nothing. No explanation, and he clearly hadn’t just ducked out for coffee. The bed was too cold.

  The thought sent a shiver running down my spine. Mattress protesting under me, I clambered out of it as quickly as I could, getting tangled in the sheets and nearly falling flat on my face.

  Back to waking up in a cold bed tomorrow.

  At a quarter past eight, I realized I was pacing the room and had no idea how long I’d been doing it for. Where the hell was Rowan?

  At a quarter past nine I realized he wasn’t coming back. Not soon, anyway. Maybe not until he needed to pick up his luggage.

  Had he heard me last night? I’d been sure he was asleep, but…

  What if he had heard me whispering that I loved him?

  What if he was mad at me for it?

  Or too uncomfortable to face me now that he knew how I felt?

  What if he thought I was just latching onto him the way I’d latched onto Craig, so desperate to be loved that I’d take anything?

  I wouldn’t have taken anything anymore. Rowan had shown me that I could ask for better.

  I wanted him.

  I wanted him now, here, with me. To let him hold me while I panicked and rub my back until it was over and kiss me once I calmed down.

  The cabin suddenly felt too small. I’d been worried even as I’d booked my ticket that the confined space would freak me out, but it hadn’t. Not until now.

  I threw on yesterday’s t-shirt, crumpled on the floor where Rowan had tossed it, grabbed my shorts, and hopped into them on the way to the door, barely remembering to grab my keycard on the way out.

  Part of me expected Rowan to be standing just on the other side of the door, about to tell me he’d been gone for hours because of a series of events he couldn’t control and that he’d missed me as much as I missed him.

  It wasn’t about him being gone for a little while. It was about him being gone forever as soon as we docked in New York again.

  I knew I couldn’t keep him, but I wanted to see him one last time. I wanted a kiss goodbye and a promise that we’d keep in touch and to tell him that this had been the best vacation of my life thanks to him.

  Hell, I wanted to be brave enough to tell him that I knew I didn’t deserve him, that we were only together now because fate had made things that way, but I still wanted to keep him anyway. To go home with him and snuggle up in his bed and maybe never leave.

  Even if I knew he’d say no. Or that if he said yes, I’d only make him miserable.

  Now that I was out of the cabin, where the hell did I go?

  I couldn’t face a crowd, I had no idea where Rowan was…

  My feet took me to the door of Andries and Tyler’s cabin without any further instructions from my brain. Comfort. A shoulder to cry on.

  Would I be welcome in there? They were my friends, but I was about to crash the end of their vacation, too.

  I had nowhere else to go. I couldn’t go back to a cabin that smelled of Rowan and had his things all over it. Not when the fact that this was over was still coming down on me like a ton of bricks.

  Knocking on the door made my stomach drop, a sudden worry that I couldn’t keep Tyler and Andries after this, either, that they were too good for me as well.

  “Who’s there?” Tyler called out, voice rough and half-asleep.

  Dammit. I’d woken them. The last thing I wanted to do was make anyone else’s life hard.

  “It’s only me. Lee,” I said, not sure if they’d recognize my voice yet.

  The door opened two agonizing seconds later, Andries standing at it in pajama pants and a soft sleep t-shirt, dark-haired and a little taller than me and…

  The only thing that made him not uncomfortably like Rowan was his eyes, pale brown instead of ice blue.

  “You’d better come inside,” he said, holding the door open wide and ushering me in.

  Tyler and Benji sat up in the bed.

  I’d suspected, but I hadn’t known until now. At least something nice had come of all this.

  He looked so happy, pressed up against Tyler's side, beaming at me with that same bright innocence he always had hanging about him.

  I’d misjudged Benji. He was smarter than me, for a start. Better to be a temporary third for a happy couple, no strings attached, than to fall in love with someone you couldn’t have.

  Hot tears pricked at my eyes all of a sudden, a sob tearing out of the back of my throat.

  Warm bodies surrounded me a moment later—three warm bodies, all of them pulling me into a hug, Andries taking charge as always. I sobbed into his chest, legs going weak under me. If not for the three of them holding me up, I would have collapsed in a heap on the floor.

  No one said anything, no one shushed me. They just stood there, letting me cry, Benji’s fingers worrying the s
leeve of my t-shirt, Tyler's warm chest covering my back.

  These people were my friends. Even Benji.

  The relief made my head spin, the room rocking back and forth as though I could suddenly feel the motion of the ship under us, even though I’d never felt it before.

  I cried and cried until my throat gave out, sniffing in the aftermath, closing my eyes to catch my breath. Still leaning against Andries, Tyler rubbing my shoulders.

  “What has he done?” Andries asked, honey-warm voice soothing.

  “Nothing,” I said.

  Rowan hadn’t done anything. He’d been nothing but kind and gentle and good, and I didn’t deserve it, and I shouldn’t have been asking for more. He’d done so much for me and he hadn’t complained even once.

  “I think I made a mistake,” I said, throat raw and rough from crying.

  Andries pulled back, keeping a hand on my arm as he looked me in the eyes. “I doubt it’s unforgivable.”

  I sniffed. “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him.”

  Andries’ whole face softened, and he somehow looked both younger and more exhausted at once.

  “No one is ever supposed to fall in love with anyone else,” he said. “It just happens. I doubt Rowan would hold it against you.”

  “I said it last night. I thought he was asleep, and I just wanted to say it once, but I think… maybe he overheard, and this morning he was gone and he’s been gone all morning and I don’t know where he is and I think he hates me.”

  My lungs burned as I gasped for air, panic threatening to well up and overwhelm me again.

  Andries raised an eyebrow. “You need to sit down. Benji, could I trouble you to fetch some water for Lee?”

  Tyler guided me down toward the bed, sitting me on the edge and wrapping an arm around my shoulders, Andries watching, hovering over us like a protective hawk watching chicks.

  Benji came back with a glass of water and I finished it in one long draught, throat sore as I swallowed and swallowed. My lungs burned when I was done, and I must have looked awful.