by Kyle West
My mind became blank as I continued to work. My penmanship was scratchy and amateurish, and there was no way Haris would ever allow it to pollute his paper. I considered not improving at all; I didn’t really enjoy doing it, anyway. There’s something stubborn in me, though, that keeps me trying something until I can finally get it right, even if I don’t particularly enjoy the task. That determination can be a good thing as much as a bad thing.
I closed my eyes in my seat, only opening when I heard a single tolling of the bell coming from outside. The final hour.
The last apprentice on duty — a short young man named Elio — winked out the last lantern after casting me a glance.
“Library’s closing, Initiate. Find your way to bed.”
I stood, leaving my work in its place to work on tomorrow.
I made my way up to the dorms, and when I entered my room, Isa was already asleep. She stirred as I shut the door.
“Library?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
I took off my boots and lay down, covering myself in the thin blanket. When I closed my eyes, I would have fallen asleep right away if it hadn’t been for Isa’s voice.
“Shanti…do you think Isaru has run away for good?”
I didn’t know how to answer her at first. It seemed unimaginable that Elder Isandru wouldn’t be able to return with him. In this, Isandru was powerless as long as Isaru kept ahead of him.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “I believe the Elder will find him.”
She was quiet for a moment. I had thought she had gone to sleep, when I heard her voice again.
“You two are close, aren’t you?”
“In a way. Not like you’re thinking though, because there aren’t any romantic feelings. At least, not on my end. I don’t think there’s any on his end, either. And that’s okay. We’re just good friends.”
It took Isa a moment to process what I said. “Didn’t he save you from death, though?”
“Yes. He did. I’ll always be thankful for that. But even so…he’s more like a brother. I can’t explain why, but I just don’t think it would work. He’s a bit too…impulsive for me.”
I felt as if she had something more to say, but she remained silent. Part of me wanted to nod off, but I had been so busy that I hadn’t talked to Isa much lately. I didn’t want her to think that I was neglecting our friendship.
“What’s on your mind, Isa?”
Again, she took her time in answering. “This is probably going to sound stupid. I almost don’t want to ask.”
“Just ask.”
“Do you think…Isaru would be interested in anyone who…” She trailed off, and immediately I could see where she was going.
I was surprised, but I probably shouldn’t have been. Thinking back over the week, Isa had been a bit more withdrawn…even mopey.
“I don’t know,” I said, at last. “Isaru is…different. I don’t know how to explain it, really. He’s talented, strong, and independent. There’s no reason to think he wouldn’t be interested in you. I’m sure you’ve noticed boys looking your way.”
“It’s hard to tell whether it’s because I’m pretty, or because there aren’t many girls around,” Isa said. I heard her sit up in her bed. “It’s so much different here than at home. At home, a guy just tells you he likes you. It’s so simple. Here, it’s complicated.”
“Maybe you can talk to him when he gets back,” I said.
She hesitated. “If he gets back.”
“There’s no reason to think he won’t.”
I winced at that. There were quite a few reasons why Isaru might not be coming back, but I didn’t want to depress Isa — or myself, for that matter.
“What if he’s run away for good? Why would he do that?”
“I don’t know, Isa. I’ve been wondering that myself.”
At least I could be honest about that part.
“Maybe that’s why he fascinates me,” Isa said, her voice no longer trying to hide her admiration. “I mean…he’s different, isn’t he?” She sighed. “Am I hopeless?”
I chuckled. “Maybe a little bit. But that’s all right. It makes you human.”
“What about you, Shanti? Is there anyone you like?”
“Ha. I can’t concern myself with that stuff. My life is complicated enough.”
Isa giggled. “Yeah, right. There has to be someone.”
“I’ll admit there are some handsome men here,” I said. “It’s just the time isn’t right.”
“How sensible,” Isa said. “That’s what I should do.” She paused thoughtfully. “But we’re only human, right?”
I found that I didn’t have a response for that, and was soon fast asleep.
* * *
When I awoke, something about the day just felt different. I was still tired, and unfortunately, it was not a free day.
Isa had already left the room. It seemed brighter than usual. With a start, I realized I had overslept.
I hadn’t even heard Isa get up, and she had done nothing to wake me. That meant she must have gone off somewhere early — maybe the library.
I quickly dressed and rinsed my face in the wash basin. I straightened my hair and left the room in a hurry. The corridor was empty, filled with sunlight from the bay windows at its end. I took to the stairs and made it to the Great Hall, where breakfast was about to be served.
I rushed to Isa’s table and sat down. Deanna and Aela spared me a glance before returning to their conversation.
“I was worried you wouldn’t make it,” Isa said.
I arrived just in time to be served my meal of fruit and pancakes.
“I don’t know how I’m going to go on,” I said. “They’re working me to the bone.”
Deanna smiled knowingly. “Now you know why so many don’t make it.”
I looked at her. “I’m going to make it. Just watch me.”
“You’ll need that determination,” Deanna said. “I’m just warning you. It’s about this time where your routine will get harder and harder. Things ease up a little bit by the time you’re an apprentice, but starting in a couple of months, you’ll have to start preparing for your Trials.”
I sighed. “As if I don’t have enough to be worried about.”
“Everyone has their problems,” Deanna said. “Action, not words, is what carries you to the goal line.”
Deanna was starting to annoy me. “I’ve done nothing but work my whole life, and I’ve never been worked like this. At least when I worked in the fields, I was able to sleep the night away. And I keep having these strange dreams…”
I realized I had spoken too much, but no one, with the exception of Isa, seemed to catch that the dreams were anything more than dreams.
“My wrist is sore, I can hardly lift my blade to practice, and Haris has me training with Tarman to get my letters right…”
“Poor you,” Deanna said, “getting an opportunity to impress one of the most influential Seekers in the Sanctum. He doesn’t just train anyone, you know.”
I sighed. She was right, yet again. “I know I shouldn’t complain so much. It just feels so damned good.”
Deanna offered a rare smile, seeming to allow that at least. “Our thoughts are where we have to be the most careful. Thoughts shape perception, and the moment you perceive that you are not fully capable of handling yourself…you won’t be.”
I wanted to argue, but Deanna was still right, and frustratingly so. Even if I was complaining, she wasn’t going to coddle me.
“You’re right,” I said.
“I know I’m right,” Deanna said. “I’ve been here for three years now. I want to see you succeed, where most have not.” She turned and pointed to the front doors of the Sanctum. “Every month, initiates leave that door, never to return. Many of those initiates — most of them, in fact — once believed they had what it took. The Sanctum proved them wrong. The Sanctum will continue to prove most of them wrong. This place changes people, but more than th
at, it shows them who they truly are. A lot of people aren’t willing to embrace that change. The Sanctum is the crucible that will test your mettle. Either you’ll break, or you’ll be shaped. And the fact of the matter is, most people break.”
Everyone was quiet at that, the kind of quiet that only follows when someone speaks a hard truth.
“Shanti is talented,” Isa said. “If she can’t make it…who can?”
“It’s not merely talent, though that is a part of it,” Deanna said. “Talent can sometimes be a burden; more is expected of you. One can go their whole life putting in minimal effort with results that are just good enough. And sometimes, talents, if great enough, can outweigh the person in whom they manifest.”
That last sentence struck a little too close to home. Deanna might have believed my natural talent made me not have to work as hard, but I didn’t believe that was true. I detected no hint of envy in her voice; she seemed comfortable with herself and her abilities, but at the same time, I did feel as if my natural Giftings did outweigh my ability to handle them. The way Anna sometimes took over — during a fight, or like last night when I had unwittingly written in perfect English — drew unwanted attention. What was more, I couldn’t replicate those abilities unless Anna somehow took over again.
I had to live with the weight that my talents and my achievements might never be my own.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
THE NEXT DAY FOUND A visitor in the Sanctum that wasn’t expected for at least a few more days.
King Taris arrived early in the morning, and everyone was surprised by his presence as they entered the Great Hall, seated among the Elders. From his glowering expression, it was clear that he was aware of his son’s absence and none too pleased about it. His ten or so retainers stood along the back wall, faces placid and ebony armor shining, each with a short sword sheathed at his right side and a helmet in the left hand.
It was quiet, save for the scuffing of benches, as the Sanctum-dwellers filled the Great Hall. I sat in my usual place beside Isa while waiting for my food to be served. When it was doled out, it did nothing to elevate the mood. When people spoke, it was either with muffled voices or whispers, as if any loud speech would be enough to perturb the king. From time to time, I looked over my shoulder to steal glances at him. He ate, his face stern and unyielding, as Chief Elder Arminius spoke with him confidentially, as if trying to placate him.
“It’s not often that you see the Elders caught unawares,” Deanna said.
Deanna was right; I had never seen them so nervous before. Not only was Isaru missing, but so was the Elder Prophet.
A couple of times, I caught King Taris looking my way, but each time he did, I hastily went back to my food, hoping he didn’t notice me looking at him.
“You’ve met him before, haven’t you?” Isa asked.
I nodded. “It wasn’t a pleasant experience.”
“They say King Taris is quick to anger,” Aela said.
“Be careful what you say,” Deanna said. “Though we are in the Sanctum, he is a king, after all.”
Aela pursed her lips, seeming to take Deanna’s advice.
“I wonder what’s going to happen,” Isa said.
“There’s nothing we can do but wait and watch,” Deanna said.
* * *
When breakfast ended, I went throughout the rest of my day — lessons with Judge Kais, followed by Sage Alan, followed by Cleric Karai. There was much less joking and more attentiveness among the initiates, even if the king was nowhere in sight. As I looked around at all the drawn faces, I realized that this could have been for another reason. Many initiates were in the same position as me: utterly exhausted. More and more, I heard talk of quitting. Whenever I heard these snippets of conversation, it only firmed my resolve to be the one who didn’t quit.
So far, no one had left the Sanctum since my arrival. According to Deanna, this was the longest time she had seen that no one had quit or been dismissed by the Elders. I got the feeling that that streak was going to end soon.
Once my studies were done with Cleric Karai, I made my way back to the library for yet more work under Tarman. I resisted the temptation to head to my dorm instead. After training with Tarman, there would be dinner, followed by yet more practicing my letters.
Tarman watched, bored, as I practiced. He had to correct me less often, but I was nowhere near the level of the rest of the scriveners. I rubbed my wrist to give myself a break.
“That should be enough for now,” Tarman said. “You’re getting better, but what confuses me was how excellent your writing was to begin with.”
This was at least the fifteenth time he mentioned it. “I’ve told you, it was some weird flow that I can’t explain.”
“Whatever it was you were doing, try to find it,” Tarman said. “Maybe it’s something similar to Battletrance. Scribing trance? That doesn’t sound as exciting, does it?”
I was too tired to even respond to his joke. Seeming to detect my mood, he sighed.
“Sorry. I think I’m just little on edge right now.”
“Everyone is,” I said. “There’s nothing to be sorry about. I do appreciate you taking the time to train me.”
He managed a tired smile. “I needed a break from my work. Not even halfway through with my current tome, and I have months yet before I can hand it off to Haris. And after, I suspect he’ll hand me more work.”
“Is it even worth it?”
Tarman was quiet, as if he didn’t know the answer to that. “I keep telling myself it is. They say it gets better.”
Tarman didn’t specify who “they” were, and I didn’t ask for clarification.
“Listen…” he said. “I enjoy teaching you, but if we can’t improve more by tomorrow, Haris will be livid. More so at me than at you.”
“I wish I could help you, Tarman,” I said. “I’m going to practice after dinner. I promise.”
He nodded, at least a little placated. “Again, I’m sorry. I know you didn’t ask to scribe, but there’s little either of us can do about it. Rejecting Haris’s generosity would reflect badly on you. It’s better to wait for him to reject you for training.”
“Will that happen?” I asked, hope rising in my chest.
“You’ve already demonstrated your ability,” Tarman said. “Haris is very persistent. He’ll work it out of you if it’s the last thing he does.”
“Too much to hope for then, I guess.”
“Look,” Tarman said. “You do have talent…it’s just a matter of finding it.”
What Tarman didn’t seem to consider was maybe I didn’t want to find it. Spending hours upon hours of my free time transcribing texts might have been Isaru’s or Isa’s idea of fun, but it didn’t really do it for me.
We left the library and headed to the Great Hall for dinner. Though it was time to eat, the Elders had yet to show up. The minutes dragged on until finally they emerged from the Hall of Elders with King Taris in tow. Taris’s retainers sat at a nearby table, still and completely silent; their stark quiet cast a pall on the entire gathering. It was amazing how one person could change the atmosphere of a place, especially when that person was displeased.
As soon as the Elders and king sat down, the kitchen initiates wheeled out the night’s dinner, and it was clear they had put in extra effort to please the king. All the same, it still didn’t seem to be enough to lift anyone’s spirits. Today, it was pork tenderloin with sage and rosemary and plum jam, mashed potatoes with cream and garlic, spiced mixed greens, and crusty bread, all as fine as anything I had ever eaten.
And it was just when people were beginning to loosen up that there was an interruption. The Sanctum doors swung open, reverberating throughout the hall.
As one, everyone turned to see Elder Isandru in his dirty and ragged Elder’s robes, his silver hair wild and in disarray. The lines on his face seemed deeper than ever before. He stood alone.
In the thick, following silence, King Taris stood. He said nothing at
first, as if taking in the sight of Isandru and realizing, without the Elder saying anything, that his son had not been found and that Isandru had given up the chase.
* * *
Everyone waited for the Elder to speak, and his silence was near-maddening. It was as if he was working for the words to say. I feared the worst. All week I had made myself believe that nothing bad had happened to Isaru.
Now, I wasn’t so sure.
Isandru turned his head to face the Grove, seeming to look at something the rest of us couldn’t see.
“Come along, Isaru,” he said. “You can’t hide out there forever.”
Upon hearing this, the Sanctum broke into an excited buzz. I resisted the urge to stand and go outside, but such a move would have been pointless anyway. Within a moment, Isaru stood beside the Elder, his face betraying no emotion. His gray eyes looked past everyone seated at the lower tables and at last found his father. It was hard to read that expression, but if I had to guess, the Prince was trying to steel himself for whatever harsh words the king had prepared for him.
Taris, however, wasn’t going to get into an argument in front of the entire Sanctum.
“Come, my son,” he said, calmly. “Come sit by me at the table. I’m sure you are hungry, after being away so long.”
Isaru stood still, and after a drawn moment, reluctantly made his way forward. The whispers, like a wind, overtook the Great Hall once again. Isaru walked by my table without sparing me a glance. Whatever had happened, whatever his reasons for leaving, it didn’t seem as if he was in the mood to talk about it.
I looked back at Elder Isandru, who merely watched on the front threshold. After a moment, he stepped inside and slammed the doors against the night.
The Prince stepped up onto the Elders’ Dais, sitting next to his father after the king’s retainers hastily found him a seat.
Elder Isandru walked toward the Elders’ table, and it was only when he was seated and served that Chief Elder Arminius stood to address the Sanctum.