by Dale Mayer
She nodded. “And that’s exactly it,” she said. “I am happy. More than that, I’m thrilled with the way my life has turned out.”
“Are you still happy to be working with animals?”
She chuckled. “I’m taking my buddy Hoppers to visit the patients and my brother,” she said. “How hard can my life be?”
“Yes, but any given morning you might have to put a dog to sleep,” he said. “And I know the little girl I watched grow up would find that to be very difficult.”
“It was a cat this morning,” she said with a sad smile. “She got hit by a car. We couldn’t save her.”
“I’m sorry,” he said gently.
She nodded. “Unfortunately we have to put animals down on a regular basis. We do the best we can, but we aren’t infallible.” She looked at him with searching eyes. “Just like you. The doctors did the best they could, but they aren’t infallible either.”
He winced at that. “Thanks for the reminder.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. “You know the animals also remind me of how much we can do. We took the leg off a pup this morning that was so badly damaged he was dragging it behind him. Our plan is to put a peg into it down the road. At the moment it’s healing, and, when it’s better, we’ll get him set up. He’s got a big screw-pin system, so we’ll pop on a leg and adjust it for the right height, and that guy will barely even notice.”
“Is it that simple?”
“No,” she said, “but it’s not that much harder.”
Her words resonated long after she left. He curled up with the blanket, his hand still resting where the animal had laid on his bed. One of the orderlies had come in and asked if he wanted his sheets changed because of the bunny hair. He had immediately shook his head and told him that tomorrow would be soon enough.
Smiling, the man had given Keith an understanding nod and left.
But Keith had to wonder if he could finally adjust, as all the animals did. Even his sister did because she hadn’t been the person to deal with hurt and injured animals, but even she had seen enough good-ending stories to make her have a positive outlook on the work that she did. And, if she could do that, maybe there was hope for him too.
The empty plate in front of him caught his eye. He wished he could go down and grab another piece of pie, but he could hear his long-deceased mother’s voice in the back of his head, telling him not to bother because it would ruin his dinner.
And, for the first time in a long time, he smiled without any other reason than because he wanted to.
Chapter 7
That was the pattern for the next couple weeks. Ilse was surprised to see Keith awake every morning to the point that one day she teased him and said, “Awake again? Are you sure you aren’t waiting for me to come in every day?”
His answer seemed to surprise him just as much because he responded immediately with, “Absolutely, I am.”
They both stared at each other for a long moment, understanding and pleasure evident on both their faces. She couldn’t help smiling. “How is the progress here?”
“Coming along,” he said, but his tone was reserved, and he didn’t give much information.
“Good,” she said. “I’ll be by with some coffee in a bit.” She headed to her kitchen. Something was just so special about that connection on a regular basis with Keith. Something she didn’t even really know what to do with but just provide it with water and nurture it so it could grow.
When she walked into the kitchen that morning, she was surprised to see Ricky here. Scared to ask, but knowing she had to, she looked at him. “And?”
He beamed. “It’s not leukemia.” At that moment, he threw himself into her arms and gave her a big hug. He was laughing and crying at the same time. “I couldn’t wait to tell you,” he said. “I’ll bake up a storm today,” he cried out, joyfully turning around in circles, his arms wide. “I love it when I get to bake.”
“Maybe,” she said cautiously, “but make sure you spread out the goodies for a few days. And don’t slip on the paperwork.”
He laughed. “And that’s fine too,” he said. “Thank you so much for giving me these days. It meant so much that I could be there for my family, and I’m just so grateful that my daughter will be okay.”
“Good,” she said.
When the other kitchen crew members arrived, they all heard the good news too. Then she realized that, once again, she’d forgotten Keith’s coffee. She quickly made more and took a cup to Keith. His door was shut when she got there. She knocked lightly, but she got no response and heard no sounds inside. Not wanting to disturb him, she walked past his room. It was still early, but there could be any number of reasons why the door was closed. She headed back to the kitchen, sipping the coffee as if it were her own.
When she walked back in with the cup, her staff looked at her and frowned.
“His door was closed,” she said by way of explanation.
“Was that a first?”
“Yes,” she said, “but there’s a first for everything, I suppose.” And she put it out of her mind and got to work.
Two hours later she thought of it again. She looked down at her watch and noted it was nearly eight o’clock. Without even giving herself a chance to question what she was doing, she poured another cup of coffee and headed to his room again. Once more she found the door closed. She frowned, knocked again, and still got no answer.
Shane walked toward her as she turned away from the door.
“Is he okay?” she asked.
He looked at her in surprise. “Is there a reason he wouldn’t be?”
“I don’t think so.” She shrugged and said, “I’ve just gotten in the habit of bringing him coffee, but his door has been closed all day.”
“Wow,” he said. “You know I could get in the habit of you bringing me coffee too,” he said with a big grin.
She rolled her eyes. “No,” she said. “You are perfectly capable of going down there and getting coffee yourself.”
At that, he reached out and grabbed her hand gently. “You do know that he is too, right?”
She nodded and said, “I know. Originally I was just being welcoming and making his first few days here a bit easier, and then it just became a habit.”
“Sounds like a nice habit for him, as long as you’re not putting yourself out.”
“Of course not,” she said. “He’s not answering my knock on his door today, so I’ll just leave him be. I’ll talk to you later.” She walked away. She didn’t really want everybody making too big of a deal out of this, but she was sad at not seeing Keith.
As she got to the end of the hallway she heard knocking and watched as Shane waited at Keith’s door. When he got no answer, he turned the knob and stepped in. She wasn’t even sure what had happened, but the next thing she knew was an alarm sounded through the building. She stood in the corner of the hallway and watched in amazement as several people raced toward Keith’s room, and she realized there must be a problem.
With her heart in her throat, she stood there with a cup of coffee, sipping it, waiting for news, worried that something major must have happened. When others came back out again, they were laughing and talking, so it couldn’t have been all that bad. But she stayed rooted in place until Shane came out.
He took one look at her and walked toward her rapidly. Reaching her, he touched her shoulder. “He’s fine,” he said. “He’s just fine.”
She took several slow, deep breaths. “What happened?”
“It looks like he tried to get out of bed and fell.”
She frowned. “And the door closed?”
“I think he was trying to get into the wheelchair, and it skittered away and likely caught the door and closed it because the wheelchair was up against the door.”
She nodded slowly. “And he’s okay?”
“He hit his head when he went down. When I went in, he was just coming out of it. So he’s completely off the schedule today with orders not to l
eave the bed, so all meals need to be delivered.”
“Of course,” she said, quietly staring at the room behind him. “Now I feel really bad. What if he was already on the floor at five o’clock this morning?”
“No,” Shane said, “that wouldn’t have happened. He’d probably just fallen back to sleep.”
“Maybe.” Then it wasn’t just her who went to his room. Orderlies and nurses did any number of routine checks all throughout the day and night. “Do you think it’s okay if I go in and see him?”
“I think so,” he said thoughtfully. “Come on. I’ll go with you.”
The two of them walked to Keith’s room. The door was open now, and Keith was lying in bed, looking a little worse for wear. He looked up, saw her, and frowned.
“I knocked on the door,” she said, “and you didn’t answer. I was terrified something was wrong.”
“Are you the reason that Shane found me?”
She shook her head. “I did tell him, but he was already at the door, looking for you.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Apparently I was trying to walk before I can crawl.” He shook his head and turned to face the window.
“And I forgot to bring you coffee, so I was bringing this one,” she said, “and then I just drank it because it was getting cold.” At that point, she stared lamely down at the empty cup.
Hearing a whisper of sound, she turned to see Shane heading out, talking on his phone as he walked. She looked over at Keith. “Can I bring you another cup?”
He looked at her in surprise. “I was coming down to get a cup. I failed at that too.”
She looked at him for a long moment, nodded, and said, “You know what? The thing is, when we fail, we still have to get up and try again.”
“Not for a day or two,” he said. “Apparently I’m confined to bed right now anyway.”
“I’ll get you a cup of coffee,” she said. “It sounds like you could use it.” And before she left, she said, “Remember that you tried. Even if you did fail, at least you tried.” And, with that, she turned and left.
It should matter that he tried, but somehow the failure seemed to be the bigger part of this. Keith wasn’t even sure how it happened. He had straightened, had slipped off the bed, and had suddenly gotten dizzy, grabbed for the bed rail in order to stop himself from falling, but the chair, the bed, and the table had shifted, and he’d gone down. Even his attempt to save himself had been a disaster, as he caught his own foot going down, and he’d hit his head. The fact that he’d knocked himself out was something he didn’t want to think about. He’d never been the clumsy type. He’d never been the kind to have accidents or to fall and to wipe out like that. To be found by somebody else, well that was just the worst.
Had she found him? He racked his brain, trying to remember what she’d said. Shane had been there at the same time, so maybe, maybe not. He hoped not. Because that was just another dent to his pride. The fact that he was even worried about his pride with a woman was something he didn’t even want to consider, but it was hard to not see that something was developing between them.
He knew he should cut it off and stop it right now because he couldn’t be the person she wanted him to be. No way he could be the man whom she needed, the man whom she deserved. His days of filling that role were long gone, and it broke his heart because, for the first time in a long time, he’d met somebody he cared enough to want to be there for. It was wrong, and it was maddening that he would be in this position, finding somebody so special. But, because she was special, he also knew that he had to let her go. It would break his heart to do it, but he wouldn’t let her waste her time with a useless chump like him.
He also knew that everybody else around him would have a heyday with his mental state. And that just showed him once again what a rough time he’d had of it. But this wasn’t about self-pity. This was about coming to terms with reality. Whether she liked it or not, this might be fine for the moment, but, down the road, it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough.
Why would it be? Lots of others—better, healthier, and stronger men than him were out there. And he could do only so much in replacing the person who he used to be. That physically fit, strong male who he had been wasn’t part of his repertoire anymore, and he would have to let that go.
He’d already let it go to some extent. He was well past the point of hoping to be what he used to be, that longing for who he was, but he didn’t know how he could get her to understand that. And it also meant denying himself something that he desperately wanted, which was time with her. He didn’t know what it was, but something about her just made him feel good to be around her. Something about her presence made him feel special, even to spend a few minutes talking with her. He looked forward to seeing her in the morning to the point that he now woke up just so that he could see her and could hopefully spend time with her. It wasn’t even five minutes, but it was just that connection in the morning, and then her bringing coffee back later on.
When one of the nurses shut the door as she left this morning, he’d stared at that closed door, wondering if his coffee would come, or if that was some sign too. And it had been a sign all right. A sign that he was an idiot. A sign that he would never be what he had always hoped he could be. How ridiculous was that?
He shook his head, determined to put it away inside him. When she walked back in again, bringing him coffee, he nodded politely and said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She left the cup for him, stopped, and then said, “And, no, it makes no bit of difference.” Then she turned and walked out.
He watched her stiff back. It was almost as if she’d seen his thoughts. How did that work? It’s not supposed to work at all. He didn’t understand, but obviously she’d seen something, somehow, and he didn’t like it. Didn’t like it one bit.
Chapter 8
Ilse didn’t know why she’d walked away, but something had been in Keith’s gaze. He wouldn’t look at her, as if he were ashamed. She didn’t have a whole lot of patience with that. He needed to fully embrace the self-pity or drop it permanently. Accept it or leave it. But she couldn’t understand the hanging on to it. Maybe he had been embarrassed and humiliated over the whole falling incident, but it was a minor thing to her. And, of course, because it was minor to her, it didn’t matter, but that didn’t make it minor to him.
Acknowledging that, she headed back to work. But it stewed away inside her brain and heart until the next morning, when she walked past his room as usual, but no light was on under his closed door. She quickly slipped down the hallway, wondering if he’d had a bad night, and maybe he didn’t sleep, or if he was finally sleeping through the night. Either way the next morning and the one after that were the same thing, and, by then, she knew that he was avoiding her.
She groaned at that. Because she really, really cared about him. Yet she also could see that he wouldn’t be an easy person to be around.
As she was leaving for a couple hours on her own time, she saw Robin outside with the horses. She walked over and said, “Hi, how are you doing?”
“Good,” she said. “Iain is coming by this weekend for a visit. That’ll be nice.”
“Good,” she said. “Maybe you can get your brother to see him. He’s pretty cranky and miserable these days.”
Robin shot a sideways look. “You two seem pretty close.”
“Well, we were,” Ilse said sadly. “Until he had the fall a few days ago. And now it’s like he’s shutting me out.” At that, she laughed. “Look at me. I’m making a big deal out of nothing. It’s just that every morning I’ve been stopping by his room to see if he’s awake, as he’s been waking early, and then I come back with coffee and spend a few minutes with him,” she said. “And I really liked that time with him, and I think he did too. But the last three mornings, his light hasn’t been on, and either he’s been sleeping or pretending to be asleep.”
“Interesting,” Robin murmured. “He’s not an easy person to get along wit
h.”
“Yeah,” Ilse said. “I noticed.”
She laughed. “He wasn’t always like this,” she said, “but our mother died when we were young, and then our father ended up with a new wife. As soon as Keith turned sixteen, our father showed him the door and told him that he was a man now, and he could get out on his own.”
Ilse looked at her in shock.
Robin nodded. “I was pretty upset and screamed about it all, but I got backhanded for my trouble. His new wife was pregnant, and he wanted to have his new family, not his old family. As it was, Keith had a friend. The guy had a room over his garage with a little kitchenette. Keith moved in there, and I don’t think he and our father ever spoke again. I went back and forth constantly between my home and Keith’s apartment. And then he joined the military, and I basically moved into the same little room he had just vacated.
“I had just turned sixteen then, and, although my father told me that I had a room at his house until I was eighteen, I was thumbing my nose at him, telling him that I didn’t want it. If Keith couldn’t stay, I wasn’t staying either.” She laughed. “Looking back now, I guess I was pretty stubborn and stuck-up, but I was hurting because my brother had been taken from me in a way that I hadn’t been ready for yet.”
“That adds some understanding as to why your brother is so dark.”
“He was always pretty moody after our mother’s death. He was very close to her,” she said. “Our father didn’t have an easy way of handling it. He pretty well ignored us, went out, got drunk all the time, and partied. And the next thing we know, he’s bringing home a new wife.”
“Ooh, ouch,” Ilse said. She just couldn’t imagine how much trauma that would have caused for a young man. “At least in the military he would have ended up with a family of his own,” she said. “That should have helped.”