With every bracelet I gave, I attached a personal note, which explained why I was thankful to have that person in my life. I believe that including an expression of gratitude as part of the overall gesture was important because it added a positive element to the process of eliminating a negative.
I recommend getting a bracelet, or even a few, from A Complaint Free World. The exercise is definitely easier and more fun in a group because others help to keep you accountable.
As I’ve mentioned, if you are reading this book, then you most likely have your basic needs met. I imagine you also have some people in your life who matter to you and to whom you matter. There is much to be grateful for. Expressing gratitude is one strategy in combating the pattern of complaining because it shifts the focus and demands positive action.
“I’m working on that”
I’ve known plenty of leaders who think they have it all figured out. This next story is dedicated to the leaders who continue to search for insight and act on it.
When Charlene and I started working together, she was stressed. She was having a tough time dealing with her co-workers’ incompetence and outright mistakes. She spent hours and hours putting out fires. It was one mess after another, and she finally reached her limit. She confided that she was on the edge of burnout.
Charlene managed multiple teams of people at her large healthcare company. Many people in her department knew her and respected her outgoing attitude and fierce dedication. Even though there were a good handful of people intimidated by her high energy, she was well liked.
What set Charlene apart was her will to improve. She was an aggressive goal setter and a voracious learner. She read twelve books, all on strengthening her leadership, in three months. In our work together, she would clearly articulate what she was learning and the leadership principles that she needed to focus on implementing: asking better questions, communicating with compassion, eliciting feedback, and setting clear expectations and boundaries with employees.
The challenge Charlene faced was managing stress. People stressed her out. She tried to hide her frustration, but wasn’t always successful. She assumed that by applying her insights and the wisdom she’d absorbed through her study, she would be able to resolve her stress and become a better leader.
When asked to describe the exact applications she was experimenting with, however, she would brush it to the side with a “Well, I’m working on that.” When challenged, she would struggle with any specifics. In other words, she had the what, but was missing the how.
Therefore, our work together mainly consisted of looking for opportunities to put her insights into motion, to find ways to practice them. For instance, we explored how she could conduct meetings in a way that would emphasize leadership principles. She worked on establishing clear expectation, improving structure, clarifying calls to action, and communicating deadlines. She would also practice communicating differently with co-workers and employees at these meetings. She practiced modulating her tone of voice, taking a breath to pace herself, and generally communicating in a calm and more curious manner.
She also practiced connecting with her co-workers by asking more questions and requesting specific feedback. By doing so, she was able to better understand the root of problems, not just symptoms. This may sound like a simple task, but it took serious diligence and accountability.
Through these specific applications, Charlene reduced her stress, increased productivity in her teams, and ultimately resolved much of the conflict and drama in her workplace. She also experienced a greater sense of control, not only in the office, but also at home. She was finally able to translate the insights she had long held into clear behaviors, and through this, effected sustainable change.
~
The Tablecloth
When I was a senior in high school, my stepmother, Colleen, died of cancer. She was a wonderful, kind, fun, and energetic person whom I will always remember fondly. This story isn’t about me or her, though. It’s about my dad and his process of moving through change and grief.
She passed on February 6 after a few days of hospice at home. Due to everything going on in her final months, we hadn’t gotten around to putting away all the holiday decorations. One of these was a bright red, gold-embroidered Christmas tablecloth covering the dining room table. As time passed, my dad put away the decorations and started to organize and donate his wife’s belongings, as you’d imagine.
The table cloth remained. Months went by, but he couldn’t bring himself to put it away. It reminded him of her. It created a sense of connection. Replacing the table cloth would be one more way of letting her go. Though he had said goodbye in other ways, he had a tough time with this one.
This is often where we get stuck. We know what we need to do in the midst of change or a life transition, but knowing isn’t enough. We must translate that knowledge into action.
When I asked my dad how he managed to finally remove the table cloth, I was expecting a dramatic moment. But he just laughed and said that it simply needed a cleaning. When he finally took off the cloth, he made a discovery. He had forgotten about the beautiful, stained cherry wood tabletop, covered up all those long months.
When we find the courage to act, there are often positive surprises on the other side. By their very nature, these surprises cannot be predicted. You need to have faith that you’ll find them when you get there. As such, trials like these require three of the principles outlined in this book: Action, Guts, and Spirit.
The act of removing the table cloth, which my dad kept postponing, took on new meaning for him when he finally did it. By acting on what he knew he had to do, he was finally able to make sustainable change. He has replaced the tablecloth with placemats as a reminder that holding on to the pain wasn’t serving him. He does take out the tablecloth every holiday season, however, to celebrate Colleen’s memory.
CHAPTER 7 ACTIVITY
Which of your insights do you still need to turn into action?
The next time you realize that certain knowledge you have about a particular area of your development has yet to be applied, do something about it. You can use the three stories in this chapter as inspiration. Each of the activities below correlate with each of the stories.
1. Take note when you are about to complain, and see how you can shift your would-be complaint into a statement of gratitude. Keep track! Write down your “reactive” complaint and then write down the kind of grateful “response” that you could substitute. Also, begin to log times you almost complained but were able to stop yourself.
2. Have you read a book or attended a course or conference recently? If so, my guess is that there is an opportunity to implement the new information you have acquired. Don’t buy that next book, conference ticket, or webinar until you’ve implemented what you learned from the last. Do a trial run by instituting one lesson or principle for one month. Write down how exactly you are enacting the specific behaviors connected to the learning that you have gained. This ensures that you will have a specific, concrete answer to the all-important question, HOW am I applying what I have learned?
3. Have you been postponing the all-important step of putting insight into practice? Perhaps you know what you need to do, but haven’t been able to overcome your natural resistance. Now is the time to let go of that resistance. Answer the following questions and then take action!
How might things be different once you take action?
What do you risk by taking action?
What support can you get that will help you take action and follow through?
For free tips, tools and strategies to take action toward positive change, even when change is hard, visit: www.arcintegrated.com/changes
8
The PACE of Change
“It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon” is a phrase often used to help people avoid expending undue energy at the beginning of a new endeavor. But what does this mean in regard to adapting to change and inviting it into our lives? T
o maintain long-term success with change, you need to practice regularly and diligently over long periods of time. You can’t implement everything you learn all at once. But, as you grow and develop, you can achieve more by using each goal you reach as a stepping stone to the next.
One strategy proven to be effective in implementing and maintaining change is the concept of a daily practice. I’ve seen the implementation of a daily practice help a wide variety of clients make a wide variety of changes. (More about the daily practice in chapter 11.)
Keeping to a daily routine is also a common trait among some of the most successful people in the world. By the way, when I refer to daily practice, I’m not referring to watching the latest show on Netflix night after night. I’m referring to a practice of self-cultivation that occurs every day.
Regardless of what field they are in, be it finance, athletics, philosophy, art, etc., society’s most accomplished individuals find that a daily routine establishes stability and order. Virgin founder and philanthropist Richard Branson describes his daily morning routine as involving exercise, breakfast, and mindful family time before he starts work. Also, according to Business Insider, he always carries a notebook.25 Journaling is another practice that is often found in daily routines.
Tony Robbins (the famous seminar leader, author, speaker, philanthropist, and coach) has kept up a morning routine that consists of meditation, exercise, and a cold water plunge. Tim Ferriss, the multi-award winning author and dissector of “all things optimized” has a morning routine as well. He identifies meditation, tea drinking, journaling, a light breakfast, and exercise all as key parts of his morning.
These are just a few examples of peak performers and their recipes for success.
The term “success” is relative, though, often inappropriately defining someone who has a great deal of money. As you may have gathered thus far, true success comes from self-knowledge: knowing exactly who you are—your blind spots, your strengths, habits, etc. Through this self-knowledge we can authentically define what success looks like for us and what prevents us from achieving it. Now, that might mean that for you success is still a pile of money, but not necessarily. (See Chapter 15 for more about success.)
Through development and disciplined practice of my daily routine, I have learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses, including what draws me back to old, unfulfilling habits. This is another value of the routine: it exposes parts of ourselves that we may not have been aware of. A therapist once told me something about habit that has stuck with me through the years. We were discussing the challenge of steering clear of old, unhealthy habits. She said:
“In the most intense times of stress, we regress to our least sophisticated coping methods.”
The truth of this statement continues to resonate in my observations of myself and others. When working with any client, from business executives building leadership skills to coaching clients working through a career change, the element of daily practice always comes up. Practicing new skills daily helps us reduce the likelihood of defaulting to our less effective, but more familiar coping methods. When we fail to concentrate on the skills, habits, and perspectives necessary to create sustainable change, we are likely to fall back into our ruts. We resort to drinking too much alcohol, spending too much time on the couch, eating foods that don’t nourish our bodies, using anger to express ourselves too often, or defaulting to other patterns that do not serve us well. In the chapters that follow, you’ll find details on how to successfully incorporate daily practice.
Instilling permanent change in behavior or establishing a new pattern takes time. To help you remember this very important point, remember to pace yourself.
P.A.C.E.
Patience
Acceptance
Control
Empathy
The terms: patience, acceptance, control, and empathy, are all critical to sustaining any change. Even outside of creating change, applying these terms will help you through many of life’s challenges. As they relate specifically to change, let me explain:
Patience – Since we know change takes time, patience is of utmost importance. Often, changes are not successful because we don’t practice long enough. We don’t wait until the new pattern sets in as habit. Being patient in your process as you create a new way of living can strengthen resolve to continue. Let go of the pressure to change immediately. Learn to enjoy the process. A daily practice gives you something to look forward to, to count on, and to help you build patience.
Acceptance – During a lifestyle shift, some days will be great, others not so much. Accept these vacillations as a normal part of the process like the ebb and flow of the tide. During your practice of implementing a change, you may encounter more difficulty than you did yesterday. That does not mean you failed. Or maybe it’s simply a matter of perspective. If you did fail, it’s not a big deal; you only failed for a day! It’s only temporary. Failure is only a problem if you allow it to create a negative space in your head, if you feed it with fixation and let it reproduce. It only becomes a barrier when you wallow, give up, or reject the possibility that you can pick it back up tomorrow and start anew. Challenges are likely to present themselves when you are in the midst of change. It is important to accept what may be out of your control and to move on as soon as you can.
Control – When you’re on the path toward change, it is critical to consider the idea of control—knowing what is within your control and what isn’t. Intimately connected to the idea of acceptance, control relates more to your perception of a situation than to the actual event itself. When faced with a challenge, we still have the ability to control our interpretation of the situation. As I detailed earlier, we have the choice to be victims or masters of our challenges. So, remember, optimize your strengths, investigate your complaints before you give them voice (see Chapter 7), and allow your failures to be teachers—think gratitude.
In all change processes, there will be things you cannot control. Identify what is in your control and what isn’t. You can then apply acceptance to those elements that you can’t control. If this sounds like the Serenity Prayer, it’s no coincidence. Regardless of your religious faith or lack thereof, the Serenity Prayer is another great resource to reference when moving through a challenging change process. (For more on this, see Section 7 – Spirit.)
Empathy – Having empathy for yourself through the process of change is crucial. So, what does self-empathy mean? It means staying connected to yourself in the process, allowing yourself to make mistakes along the way, and knowing that it is okay. Allowing yourself to make mistakes and not giving up is a recipe for lasting change. For example, there will be times when you plan to implement a change or practice a new behavior and you experience a setback due to old patterns. It’s natural to have setbacks, just don’t let those setbacks translate into a quitting mindset.
Two additional roadblocks to empathy are guilt and shame. Being mindful of the hiccups along the way toward change is great, as long as it’s productive. You know what isn’t productive? Talking to yourself like you’re a bully on a middle school playground. This is where shame can rear its ugly head. Dr. Brené Brown, the brilliant professor and sociologist, talks about shame as a focus on self and guilt as a focus on behavior. The difference between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt.)26
If you’re like a lot of people, you have the nasty habit of scolding yourself for doing something wrong. Get over it! You’re human. Shaming yourself only leads to stagnation in your otherwise positive process. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving. Reserving some of your compassion for yourself increases the likelihood of pushing successfully through setbacks and ultimately helps you reach your goals. Building self-empathy is also a component of emotional intelligence, as we explored in Chapter 4.
So, next time you are facing a change or working toward a goal, consider how you can PACE yourself.
CHAPTER 8 ACTIVITY
There are two parts to
this activity. First, explore a goal you are working toward, something you are trying to change. Write down this goal in detail.
Second, write out how you can apply the concepts of PACE to reaching your goal. For each letter of the acronym, assign a specific action to take. Remember, successful change is about more than mere understanding; it is about translating understanding into action.
EXAMPLE: TRYING TO MEDITATE EVERY DAY
Patience: There will inevitably be days on which I fail to meditate, but I will almost always be able to reach my goal of meditating five times per week.
Acceptance: I may not be able to meditate every morning but I have been able to meditate at some point during the day.
Control: There have been some emergencies that have required my attention and have impacted the pursuit of my goal. Some things are out of my control. But I still have the power to re-prioritize the items on my day’s agenda and perhaps to make sacrifices to reach my goal.
Empathy: I can accept that it may take time to create a new habit and that if my pace is slower than expected, it doesn’t mean I am a failure.
9
The Best Way to Improve Productivity
A close friend of mine used to work for a major airline. She was in charge of baggage and cargo handling and all the processes involved. One item proved particularly tricky to ship, horse sperm. That’s right, you read that correctly. Funny enough, its handling is a delicate process, given the enormous financial stakes in the racehorse industry and the sensitivity of the substance. As I understand it, there was much debate about the fastest and most efficient way to transport the “precious” cargo. Even though there was an official procedure, the process also allowed for some independence. An individual’s unique approach to any task is significant, and this is where disagreements ensue. Each cargo worker had a different notion about how to expedite the process. Now you might be asking, what does shipping horse sperm have to do with productivity. The point here is the individuality of the process, which is the heart of this chapter.
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