14
Cultivating Self-Discipline
Discipline and motivation are often linked. When motivation wanes, it is often discipline that picks up the slack.
I was told by a meditation teacher once that it’s not about how well you meditate, but simply that you meditate. It’s the time on the mat, not how you did on the mat. It’s the practice in and of itself. Sometimes, regardless of what kind of change we are seeking, building the discipline toward change is the most important piece.
Over the years, I’ve experimented with different diets. One that I was particularly fond of was a month-long, restricted diet called the Whole30®.54 This was definitely an act of discipline for me, as food is a significant weakness. In case you are wondering, pizza and donuts are not part of the regimen, a significant sacrifice. Most of the time when I explore ways of eating, exercise routines, or other practices, I find the process eye-opening in a variety of ways. There are always discoveries along the way when pursuing a regimen that builds self-discipline.
In martial arts, I have found a practice that is highly conducive to building self-discipline. Even after 12 years of regular practice, I still find new ways to integrate this discipline into my life. While there are many activities, sports, and passions that will help you develop discipline, I think adopting some kind of physical or movement-based practice is particularly helpful because it cultivates greater body-awareness and shows us that we are capable of pushing past more discomfort, both physical and mental, than we think we’re capable of. Plus, a routine of physical activity increases energy levels and reduces stress. As such, practicing discipline in terms of physical activity translates especially well to cultivating self-discipline in other aspects in our lives, as we’ll see in this chapter.
I also witness the virtue of self-discipline in the lives of the clients I work with. Whether the client is a company or an individual, discipline enters early in the conversation.
For instance, I once worked with a woman (let’s call her Julie) who was trying to cut down on her alcohol consumption. Julie was a professional who owned a small business and was rather successful. With a good network of friends and an array of interests, she seemed to be well-functioning, yet privately she feared that her alcohol consumption was becoming problematic and therefore wanted to address it. One of the ways we worked together was to explore the discipline she employed in her various life domains (career, relationships, fitness, etc.) By building discipline in different parts of her life, she was able to generate more willpower in service of her primary goal, reducing her alcohol intake. She set about developing discipline in ways she enjoyed: going to the gym, spending time in her faith community, and practicing meditation. These disciplined acts then reinforced her capacity to be more disciplined elsewhere.
If we build a skill or habit in one area of our life, it crosses over to other areas.
When we build discipline in our sleep habits, for instance, it impacts our ability to exercise regularly. Specifically, when we are well-rested, our motivation to exercise increases. In general, practicing discipline helps to strengthen our willpower, which can then be applied advantageously across our various life domains.
There is plenty of evidence for the positive impact of self-discipline across many aspects of the human experience, including developing good habits, physical health, financial stability, etc. Regardless of one’s age, there are major advantages to practicing discipline. According to a longitudinal study by The Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, self-discipline accounted for twice as much variance as IQ in the final grades of eighth grade students.55 These findings suggest that one of the major reasons students fall short is not due to their IQ, but to their lack of self-discipline. The self-discipline that accounts for higher grades will most likely have a significant impact on a child’s ability to be successful later in life.
A study in The Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology showed that implementing a school-based martial arts program had a positive impact on children’s cognitive self-regulation, an aspect of self-discipline.56
The impact of discipline is not just found in kids. In a study by Washington University’s Department of Psychology, it was found that enhancing self-discipline and self-concept may improve subjective memory in older adults.57
In addition, according to a study in The Journal of Depression and Anxiety, low self-discipline has been associated with anxiety and depressive disorders.58
If only to drive home the point, I will state it once more: discipline is critical in the creation of any positive change. I continue to emphasize discipline because it is a “meta-skill,” a skill that helps build other skills. If we cultivate self-discipline, it impacts not only our ability to create the kind of changes we want, but also the skills that pertain to various aspects of our lives, as research shows.
5 Tips for Growing Self-Discipline
1) Take your time – Building any new habit takes time. Taking small steps over time is the best recipe for success. Remember, creating significant change is a process.
2) SMART goals – Goals that are the easiest to keep track of and the most likely to be achieved are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. Even though you may be familiar with this framework for goal setting in general, pay close attention when applying it to building discipline. Use this framework for instituting and keeping track of disciplined behavior. It will lead you to greater confidence and success overall.
3) Find your practice – Building self-discipline will be most effective if the practice is something you find particularly enjoyable. Think of this step as a springboard in the process. Commit yourself to a practice that is simpler than, yet related to, the one in which you are trying to build discipline and you will generate momentum toward ultimate success.
4) Record your process – Explore what it feels like (the ups and the downs) to create a new discipline in your life. This will be helpful when you examine what works and what doesn’t. As you move forward, take note of your accomplishments and challenges.
5) Practice creating routine – Practicing any kind of routine, even if it is outside the context of your goal, will help foster the right mindset. There are opportunities to create new routines every day; take advantage of them. The discipline you build in one area will transfer to the areas of your life where you really want it to be!
CHAPTER 14 ACTIVITY
Ready to take action?
How have you created self-discipline in your life?
Complete the activities below to understand smaller victories and build new forms of discipline.
In this chapter, create your own discipline journal! Think you’re not disciplined? Think again! We all have this capacity; it’s just a matter of strengthening the right muscles. Follow the instructions below.
1) In which area of your life would you like to create more self-discipline?
2) What steps can you take toward reaching this goal? For example, if your primary discipline goal is:
“Arrive 30 minutes earlier to work.”
Factors associated with this goal may include sleep, diet, scheduling activities the night before, etc. Write down all of these factors and create a disciplined practice for each. The more success you have with the factors, the easier it will be for you to ultimately reach your primary goal. Track the times you performed these activities successfully and unsuccessfully. By doing so, you’ll get a better sense of what your strengths are and what is holding you back.
15
Challenging Perspectives and Maintaining Ground
If you’ve been doing the activities through the chapters, good work! Taking the time to carefully evaluate yourself and all the dimensions of your life will help you identify what’s keeping you stuck and preventing you from reaching your goals. I understand that this process can be a bit overwhelming, so perhaps it’s time for a break. No activities for this chapter. Instead, I offer here a couple of stories and some ti
ps from my years of experience as an organizational consultant, psychotherapist, and professional coach. The common theme of these stories is courage. Similarly, all of the tips take guts to implement.
Introspection: A Barrier to Entry
I saw a prime example of the courage it takes, not just to acknowledge, but also to actively work on our weaknesses, while working with Rob, a high-performing executive. Rob had a decorated military career, was in excellent physical shape, had an accomplished education, and excelled at most everything he engaged in. As a high performer, he shot up the corporate ladder. At one point, he received some feedback: if he were to continue moving into higher leadership roles at his current company, he’d need to show greater empathy for his co-workers and improve his people skills, overall. In other words, he’d need to raise his emotional intelligence. He had heard this kind of thing before, but had always dismissed it as touchy/feely and a waste of time. For the first time in his career, though, this very development was the barrier to entry for his upward trajectory.
At the beginning of our work together, Rob and I explored some of his history. We looked at how he had gone about achieving so much. He had always been hyper-focused on results. His default assessment of everything was: how does this affect the bottom line?
We talked about his ambition and where it came from. When Rob was a teenager, his father died. As a way to deal with the pain and carry some of the financial burden for his family, Rob committed himself to excellence. He believed his no-excuses attitude had served him well, and in many ways, he was right.
Rob didn’t let anything get in his way, including people. The problem was that, given the high bar he always set for himself, he had a difficult time adjusting his expectations for others. He didn’t hide his disappointment and frustration with his co-workers and developed a reputation for being impossible to please.
He believed that if he developed patience and sensitivity, it would come at the cost of the very traits to which he owed his success. We explored how he could challenge this “zero-sum” notion. Since Rob had cultivated this attitude for some time, the process of replacing it with a different mindset would require some heavy lifting. This is where courage comes in.
For anyone to challenge a long-established pattern of perceiving the world and engaging with others, courage is paramount. No matter what kind of person you are (overachiever or underachiever), no matter your beliefs or attitudes, summoning that willingness to look at yourself with greater objectivity can be an intense, daunting process.
Through our process together, we focused on gathering insight and then applying it in the workplace. Rob had plenty of opportunity to apply new perspectives and ways of engaging with people, as he led many teams and projects. By asking more questions, engaging in more personal conversations, practicing empathy, eliciting feedback, and tracking the changes he was experiencing, he discovered the numerous benefits of relationship-building. What began as a pursuit to check a box became a sincere commitment to improve himself.
I witnessed a tremendous shift in how Rob approached work and people at his company. He was able to reduce his frustration with others, increase collaborative efforts with individuals and teams, and ultimately gain greater recognition for his improved leadership skills. These efforts also resulted in a couple of major promotions (with considerable salary increases) in less than a year.
As it relates to performance, it’s no surprise that Rob succeeded. He had the guts to evaluate himself at the core and examine which parts of his personality were serving him and which were detrimental. This 180 degree turn is what I found so inspiring. It’s a lesson we can all learn from.
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Here are a handful of general principles related to courage that also help us reduce stress, accomplish goals, and build our ability to adapt. I see these principles in practice when individuals and organizations are most successful in creating positive change. You may see some familiar content here, but anything important bears repeating.
1) Push yourself further than you think you’re capable of going – Going the extra mile can greatly improve your overall effectiveness. Try this in different areas of your life to boost confidence in relationships, fitness, finance, and career. Just add a bit extra to all that you do (i.e. ten more minutes at the gym, an extra half hour of sleep, an extra half hour of work, helping a coworker when you don’t need to, or doing something for a loved one before they ask). You are capable of more than you think.
When you reach that point when you are ready to give up, push yourself over the hump. Dig down to the depths of yourself and find the energy required. Need some motivation? Keep in mind that authentic motivation requires REPS – Reflection, Evaluation, Persistence, and Significance. (See Chapter 2 for details.)
2) Be kind & offer support – There are injustices all around us. We see this on a large scale when we watch the news and witness war, deprivation, exploitation, and other forms of inhumanity. We see this in our daily lives too: at work when someone is isolated or picked on, at social events when someone is excluded, or in our family gatherings when someone is left out. These are all opportunities for you to stand up to defend the rights of others.
Some of the most successful people I know have an uncanny ability to offer consistent support and kindness so that others may grow and develop. When they build up people around them, it creates a network of successful individuals, and these individuals are likely to acknowledge the support they received. When the original supporter needs support, they often have people lining up to offer it because of the kindness they have spread.
Hold a door open for someone, leave a generous tip, express to someone their importance to you, or recognize how someone has gone above and beyond expectations. Kindness is also an act of discipline: the more you practice, the more it becomes second nature.
3) Be cautious about making assumptions (especially about people) – You know what they say about the word assume… I hope. Our assumptions of each other often prevent us from truly connecting. Check your assumptions when they crop up. Are they based on a current perception? Are they informed by previous experience? Or are they based on secondhand experience or mere conjecture? If you are unsure how to test your assumptions about someone in particular, try communicating openly with the person and expressing your need for clarity. Asking for clarity shows that you are interested and curious, which is usually appreciated.
4) Be uncomfortable & take risks – We cannot predict the future. We won’t know how exactly our decisions will impact us or others until we act. Taking risks in business, career, or relationships is often a prerequisite for growth. Of course, understanding the risk is important too. Prevent “paralysis by analysis” by acting. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. This is how we grow. I had a professor in graduate school, one of my best mentors to date, Dr. Jack Mulgrew. He ran a class on group therapy, which focused on being mindful of your present experience and expressing it authentically. He said something once that has always stuck with me:
“If you are not on the edge of your seat sweating, you are not working hard enough.”
His point was that times of discomfort, uncertainty, or insecurity often set the stage for action. As such, we should move toward them, not away from them.
5) Take on your fears & examine your shadows – How are your fears getting in the way of growth? Challenging your fear and moving past it means facing it head-on. For example, if you fear you’ll never get a raise, then maybe you should seize the opportunity to make a convincing case for it and bring it to your boss. Or perhaps, through this examination, you realize that you don’t deserve a raise.
Just as each and every one of us has flattering aspects, we all have aspects that inspire more shame than pride. Summon the courage to evaluate these facets of your personality. Some refer to them as darker sides or shadows, not only because they are often negative, but also because they have managed to escape the light of observation. Since these aspects are often repressed, they
may not be immediately identifiable.
Third-party assistance from a therapist or coach can be particularly helpful in bringing these blind spots to your attention. Evaluating your fears, weaknesses, biases, unhealthy habits, self-defeating tendencies, and/or other unsavory aspects of yourself can also lead to true insight and personal development.
6) Embrace your passions – Do you know what you are passionate about? In no small way, your passions define who you are. Don’t let your passions come second. Build a life around them and watch yourself flourish! In my work with coaching clients I often field the question, “Is it too late to go back to doing something I love?”
I see so much regret from folks who waited to embrace their passions and put to use their greatest strengths. Certainly, it is never too late to go back or to make change. In this respect, paying attention to your intuition can lead to lots of opportunity.
7) Focus on building your strengths – We often think we need to improve our weaknesses to the exclusion of all else. While there is insight to be gained from understanding our challenges and addressing them, improving our strengths is a greater predictor of success. According to research by Gallup, identifying our top strengths and building on them offers the greatest return on investment.59 This is found to be true in many areas in life, including work, recreation, and interpersonal relationships.
8) Establish congruence between intentions and actions and lead by example – Take time to understand what you value. Express your values in how you live your life. If you are unsure, consider working with a coach or therapist.
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