(B) Being the Leader – An environment without clear boundaries offers us an opportunity to step into a leadership role and exemplify how to set clear boundaries in regard to relationships and responsibilities. Regardless of your position, you have the choice to go with the flow or step up as a leader. Consider that you may have to carve out the leadership role you step into, especially if you can articulate the specific benefit it would add. For example, if you are on a sales team and you realize that there is a need for more frequent review of accounts, you may consider leading a weekly meeting in which strategies are discussed. Remember, your way of “being” creates a model for others. Always.
(S) Self-Care – Self-care may not seem like an obvious component of boundary setting. It is more of a preventative measure, but it is just as important as the other strategies. When you are run down, stressed out, irritable, or overwhelmed, boundaries tend to blur. Practicing self-care allows you not only to function at the highest level, but also to keep appropriate boundaries in clear sight.
CHAPTER 18 ACTIVITY
Let’s put the five strategies listed above (CRIBS) into action. Even though these are strategies designed for work, they can be used all across your life domains. Embrace change by setting boundaries and track your success.
First, think of a challenge you’ve had and how setting a boundary would be advantageous. Then choose a boundary-setting strategy you want to practice. Note the dates you practice it and the associated life domain. Write down your observations when practicing this boundary-setting strategy. Explore boundary setting in multiple environments using different combinations. For instance, you can practice these strategies at work with family and friends and in your partnerships. More specifically, see this example below:
EXAMPLE
Challenge – A co-worker has asked me to help him on his project. I agreed at first because I was flattered to be asked, but now I wonder if I’m being taken advantage of. I’m not sure if I’m technically responsible for this project and I haven’t asked my boss because I don’t want to ruffle any feathers. I need to resolve this because I have reached my capacity for workload and feel totally overwhelmed.
Strategy
Responsibility
Dates
5/7/19
Life Domain
Work
Observations
After a 30-minute meeting discussing responsibility with my co-worker we determined that the project could be a shared venture and that if each of us focused on different aspects, it would save us both time.
List three examples for each of the five strategies (CRIBS).
Cordial
Responsibility
Impersonal
Being the Leader
Self-care
SECTION SEVEN: SPIRIT
“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
—Lewis Carroll,
Alice in Wonderland
Your beliefs directly affect your reality. In large part, your belief about the nature of human existence and your belief in what is possible within your life, define your experience. The tricky thing about belief is that it can lead to, or away from, creating the life experience we seek. Without oversight, our beliefs can cause damage and prevent us from creating what we want. They can also be wonderfully supportive and sustain us in the direst of circumstances. Either way, there is opportunity in examining our beliefs.
When we explore our beliefs we learn that we have more choices. There is value in exploring our belief in ourselves, in others, and the ever-present beliefs that we have inherited from our family and other environments. Our spiritual and religious beliefs, as well as beliefs in what is possible, often fall in line with what has preceded us (i.e. decisions made and opinions expressed by others). It’s common to accept these beliefs without question. When we examine how our belief impacts us on a daily basis in all of our environments, we gain perspective. This examination may shake the foundation of what we hold on to so tightly. However, if we can shore up our courage and take the risk, there is true wisdom in exploring our beliefs: how they support us and how they may prevent us from optimizing our potential. This section takes us through the process of that examination.
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Dealing with Uncertainty
We live in an age of paradox. We understand more about the complexity of the universe around us and the intricacies of our internal world than ever before. Ironically, there is more discomfort with uncertainty today than at any other time in human history. In other words, while we have become more precise in our knowledge, we have also grown more fearful of being anything less than absolutely sure. And with that fear, comes indecision. Uncertainty we can’t control. Indecision, fortunately, we can.
Constantly confronted with decisions in this modern world, we navigate a sea of distractions, a panorama of bright and shiny options, a mirage of endless possibility. Which restaurant to dine at, soap to use, exercise program to start, kind of insurance to get, partner to choose, etc.? The endless series of choices intended to liberate us can actually have the opposite effect: they often deprive us of time and attention we’d rather spend elsewhere.
Indecision and feeling overwhelmed go hand in hand. Feeling overwhelmed often compromises our judgment and our capacity to make positive changes in regard to career, relationship, or lifestyle. Just weighing which decision to make first can be exhausting.
So, how do we deal with uncertainty? And also, how do we manage indecision?
A friend and I were once talking about a new relationship she was in and the various aspects involved. We talked about her attraction to this new partner, the things they had in common, the fun they were having, etc. When the question of how, or if, to move forward came up, I asked what her motivation was to be with this person. She took a long time coming up with an answer. I got the impression that she was less sure about the relationship than she’d been letting on and that she appreciated the time to address her indecision. Obviously, we can feel connected to others—we can even fall in love—but what we ultimately want out of a relationship often takes time and some real thought to determine.
When we face the decision to continue a partnership or not, motivation is an important factor. In the context of relationships, motivation can come from a variety of sources, including desires for companionship, marriage, a family, good sex, and any combination of the above. The point is that motivation comes from somewhere, and I encourage you to seek it out in all your life domains to discover what is really driving your decisions. Deeply considering the motivation behind decisions leads to clarity.
Though understanding our motivations can help us deal with uncertainties and free ourselves from the ruts we find ourselves in from time to time, it doesn’t mean that any kind of analysis is the be-all and end-all solution. Some degree of uncertainty is inevitable. We must make decisions even when we are less than 100 percent sure.
You may be asking yourself at this point, “Why is this chapter in the section about spirituality?” It’s a fair question. I am exploring uncertainty here because when we are denied certainty, we must rely on faith in our decision-making.
I want to be clear about how I use the term, faith. For the purpose of this chapter I am using faith as a general term, not (necessarily) in its religious context, but as defined by our friends at Merriam-Webster: a “firm belief in something for which there is no proof.”
Though I am choosing to apply a secular definition of faith, I am still going to tie it to spirituality. First, let’s look at Merriam-Webster’s definition of spirituality: “The quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.”
This distinction between faith and spirituality is important. Spirituality offers a set of responses based, not on repeatable phenomena in the scientific sense, but on subjective experience and personal responses to questions such as, Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? Is there a soul? What
does it mean to be human? These are open-ended questions, to which science and logic offer few clear-cut answers. Should you be so inclined to explore your own personal responses to these questions, I imagine that it will reveal the ways you rely on faith to deal with uncertainty.
Spirituality and faith highlight an important aspect of exploring change. Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, or identify in some other way, your affiliation has implications for how you behave, the choices you make, and how you see the world. Belief systems both support and test people’s ability to make change. We are strongly tied to our version of the truth. Even in uncertain times or rather, especially in such times, how we make meaning of the world informs who we are. In other words, our belief systems define us as much as we define our belief systems.
So, when dealing with uncertainty, one option is to accept our lack of control and look instead to our belief system, whatever that may be.
There are other ways to handle uncertainty as well. Below, you’ll find five strategies and ways to apply them.
Five Tips to Manage Uncertainty
Learn to Follow Your Intuition – This may seem obvious, but there is power in understanding what your instincts tell you. An overabundance of options to choose among may distract you from applying your own wisdom. Practicing ways to reflect on your thoughts or feelings, such as journaling, art, mindfulness exercises, or some other daily practice may help you in this respect. See Chapter 5 for more resources on developing intuition.
Explore Your Assumptions, Values, and Self-Narratives – It’s easy to get caught up analyzing a choice to death. Exploring your uncertainty from another angle may be helpful. Take a big step back and re-examine what you think is possible. This step back will offer you extra patience and equanimity when no “right” options jump out at you. For instance, if you are the kind of person who assumes that “whenever I start something, I never finish it,” explore how you can change that self-narrative. If you believe that “making a lot of money is only for the greedy,” examine how this assumption is serving your desire to be financially successful. For more guidance, ask yourself: “How do my beliefs affect the way I handle uncertainty in this situation?” If you assume that “successful people are absolutely sure of themselves whenever they make big decisions,” consider that everyone faces uncertainty in some way. You may rarely (if ever) be absolutely sure that you made the right decision, but a re-examination of the decision-making process will help you take new comfort in the face of uncertainty. You will be more likely to choose the more favorable path after re-evaluating which beliefs serve you best.
Consult an Unbiased Third Party – Speaking with an unbiased third party, such as a coach or therapist, can be an effective way to work through a decision. Someone who has little personal investment in your situation may be able to ask questions or offer insight in ways that those close to you cannot. Often, a unique question from an unbiased person helps us reexamine our own perspective and recalibrate our focus, which deepens our understanding of the situation.
Meditate – As we explored in Section 4 (Nourishment), meditation reduces stress and anxiety and even has a positive impact on us biologically.75 Being present, or mindful, of our situation from moment to moment is another way to tap into our own understanding and make the best decision possible. Meditation may also offer a calming relief from discomfort, which often accompanies uncertainty.
Get Up and Move – The mind/body connection factors into everything we do, including our negotiations with uncertainties in life. Sometimes when we sit and try to think our way through every last option, when we strain to sift through all the pros and cons, it creates more confusion than clarity, especially when we don’t take occasional breaks. Mental confusion creates physical stagnation, and vice-versa. Getting involved in regular exercise or simple movement may trigger a new way to look at a problem. Like an Etch a Sketch, movement can help to shake up our assumptions and reset our mind frame.
Some of the tips here are familiar; they come from other sections in the book. The important thing to remember about these seven principles (CHANGES) is that each influences, and is influenced by, the others. When we seek to create positive change, reduce stress, and improve our ability to adapt, we must consider our various life domains and how all are connected. As with the other sections, the intention here is to bring awareness to the intersection of the various life domains, not just to each alone. As we continue to explore the domain of Spirit, remember that it is connected to all the other domains and that addressing this network of connections is critical in creating the change you are after.
CHAPTER 19 ACTIVITY
First, identify a challenge you are uncertain about. Use the five tips in this chapter to actively work on reducing uncertainty or accepting it. Log your progress and note what insight you gained from applying each strategy.
Remember to mark the dates you practiced each strategy so you can compare frequency and effectiveness. This will help determine which work best for you.
EXAMPLE
Challenge - While working with my team at work I am often in a state of stress and uncertainty which slows down the process and compromises our effectiveness and productivity.
Strategy
Third party consult
Date Practiced
5/7/19
Insights
By working with a professional coach I have learned that I place too much emphasis on my work team’s opinion when making a decision and that this dependency perpetuates my sense of uncertainty and stress.
20
Spirituality and Well-Being
Interesting research about how spirituality and religion impact health and well-being has spurred lively debate. That said, this chapter is not a call for spiritual awakening or religious revival. I am not here to proselytize. We are all subject to our own particular beliefs, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof. This much is true. However, how you view your existence affects how you are able to create positive change. My recommendation is not to change what you believe, unless it’s not serving you well. But I do recommend turning a critical eye to how your beliefs impact the other aspects of your life, such as how you think, make decisions, form relationships, build trust, manage stress, and conceive of what is possible for yourself and others.
Many people are raised with a certain belief system. They inherit it, incorporating it into their lives without question. If you haven’t already, I say it’s time to question it, regardless of what it is! Honestly evaluate how your beliefs impact your life. As you develop into the person you want to be, ask yourself tough questions to test what you truly believe. If you can step back from your beliefs, especially your long-held beliefs, and see them more objectively, you may be able to identify what is helping you and what is hurting you. This is especially important if your religious beliefs are near and dear to you. Have enough faith that your faith will stand up under close scrutiny.
When first meeting clients, I’m always curious about when the topic of religion or spirituality will first come up. I am fascinated by belief systems and especially intrigued by the similarities among them. It’s bizarre to me that such heated conflict can flare up over what I see as the interpretation of language. The philosophies may be strikingly similar, but when articulation of those philosophies differs, discontent, disagreement, or even violence erupts. We humans can be rather nitpicky creatures, can’t we? I think such conflicts also speak to the supreme importance of how we communicate.
The discourses of Jesus, the teachings of Buddha, and the Talmud all express very similar lessons regarding compassion and respect for others. Granted, the words each uses vary, but the concepts overlap. Basic tenets of peace and nonviolence crop up all throughout the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad-Gita, and other holy texts. There are endless examples of similarities across belief systems.
When I meet with new clients, belief systems can be a sticky issue. For example, I
once met with a potential client to discuss working together in a coaching capacity and things seemed to be going very well. Let’s call this client Mary. Mary was interested in exploring how to reduce stress, set boundaries to strike a healthier work/life balance, and institute better practices as a leader in her small business. Mary and I connected on our shared philosophies concerning how to create change and effective leadership. We also shared an interest in the close relationship between personal and professional development. She wanted to incorporate spirituality into our work. I usually welcome such a request because I have seen the forward momentum that religious beliefs add to people’s lives. So, I was happy to incorporate her faith into our dialogue.
After agreeing that we could incorporate spirituality into our work together, Mary started to ask questions about my belief system. Now, thus far in our conversation we had found that our values aligned in regard to how to treat clients/customers, ways of engaging with employees, and other ethical aspects of effective business leadership. Both of us had identified doing work with purpose and passion and being of service to others as high priorities. Plus, we shared interests in some of the same thought-leaders in nutrition as well as a love for martial arts. We had made some real connections.
When I shared my summation of our connection and alignment, I encountered a catch. My attempt at a diplomatic response about our connection and value-alignment suggesting promising results didn’t exactly answer the question, and Mary noticed. She pressed me on the issue: were we of the same religious affiliation. We explored why this was important to her and how this may impact our work. The fact that we did not share the same religious beliefs became an impasse for us. We did not end up working together.
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