“I . . . I got—” I tried to think back to what had happened. “I got dizzy, and there was a ringing in my ears. Another migraine.” I shook my head, an attempt to grasp my thoughts. They flittered about like moths escaping from a closet.
My shoulder muscles were as hard as boulders, and I felt like I was going crazy with all the thoughts that raced in my head. Thoughts I couldn’t grasp. The only one that stuck was that I had to clear this up—I had to get out of here.
Chapter Forty-Four
FRIDAY, AUGUST 30
My heart beat to the cadence of a drum. The thumping picked up pace as I sat there, so confused about what was happening.
“Please tell me what’s going on.” No more questions. No more therapy session talk. I just needed the truth. I was exhausted, bone weary, and I couldn’t do this anymore.
“Danielle, how much do you know about DID? Dissociative identity disorder?”
My forehead crinkled. Multiple personalities was how it had been labeled when I’d studied to be a therapist.
“I don’t know much, to be honest. I’ve read up on it a little, but I’ve never had a patient diagnosed with the disorder.”
Dr. Brown nodded. The kind of nod you’d expect from a therapist.
“I’ve worked with several patients diagnosed with this, which is why certain aspects from our therapy sessions stand out to me.” She lifted a file from the table and flipped it open.
“Wait.” I stopped her from saying anything more. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say.
She must have sensed my fear. It had to be on my face, in my voice, because she placed her hand on mine and squeezed.
“I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. But I want you to know I’m here. We’re going to walk through this together, okay? I promise you, I will not leave you.”
I pulled my hand from hers. What the hell did she mean?
“I am not crazy.”
“Danielle, when you played the recordings for me, what voices did you hear?”
“For the first one? Mine and Tyler’s. On the one we just listened to? Mine, Tyler’s, and Ava’s.” I was angry, and I didn’t bother to hide it.
“Do you know what I heard? Your voice. Your voice in three different pitches. Your voice lowered when you spoke as Tyler, and it had an edge when you were Ava. But each and every time, it was your voice.”
“No. Not possible.”
She just looked at me. Didn’t say anything. Just waited. Waited for me to come to her realization. Except I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.
“What about the notes? Do you have them? I didn’t write them.”
“I have them. I also have journals from your office.” She bent down and pulled out notebooks from the bag she’d brought.
I recognized them. They were the notebooks I’d given to Ella, Savannah, and Tyler. Notebooks I’d wanted them to write in, to journal their thoughts. Except there were two other notebooks. One was mine, where I’d kept track of all my blackouts, and then there was another I didn’t recognize.
“This was Tyler’s.” Dr. Brown flipped open one of the covers. His name was written on the front page.
She then flipped through a few pages. There were dates on each page. Dates identical to our sessions.
Dr. Brown then pulled out the notes I’d received.
I looked them over. And noticed something I didn’t want to accept.
“We believe these were written by the alter called Tyler.”
I tore my gaze from the notes and caught the compassion in her eyes.
She then opened each notebook and showed me all the different handwriting.
“So you see, then, I couldn’t have written those.” Even as I said it, though, the truth slowly trickled in.
If I had DID, if there were alternate personalities within me, then it was entirely possible it had been my hand that wrote those notes, but when I was in a different personality.
My stomach lurched as I realized the truth. I leaned to the side and threw up.
“They’re real. I see them . . . I hear their voices . . . I . . .” I started to cry, and tears rolled down my cheeks as my heart broke into a million tiny pieces.
I was broken. Broken, and I couldn’t ever be fixed.
“I believe you are suffering from both auditory and visual hallucinations and delusions. Your blackouts, your migraines, everything you’ve been dealing with lately, it all adds up.”
Nothing added up.
“But they’re real. I know they are,” I argued, not wanting to accept her truth. “They have lives. Ella works at the library. Please, can you get Tami for me? She’ll tell you . . .” My voice trailed off because of the looks thrown my way every time I asked for Tami. The whispers as Tami helped me into the car. The way they called me crazy, mental . . .
“There’s no detective named Tami that works in this unit. They also checked with the library. No volunteer or hired employee by the name of Ella.”
She flipped open to a sheet.
“Does the name Anna Danielle Rycroft sound familiar?” She pointed to a photo on the sheet with a name, my name, beneath it.
“I don’t . . . that’s me, my full name, but I . . . God, this can’t be true.” My head pounded. The intensity of the pain grew until I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
“Danielle? It’s okay. If this is too much, it’s okay.” Dr. Brown’s voice was meant to be soothing, but it wasn’t. It hurt me, the sound of her voice, the squeak of her chair, the clink of the chains around my wrists. Everything hurt.
I rested my head down on my arms, the need to sleep so overwhelming that I no longer cared about who I was, or who I could be, or anything else.
“Stay with me, Danielle. Please? Just for a few more moments.” Her hand touched mine, and I lifted my head slightly.
“Your head hurts, doesn’t it? I think that’s the tell for when one of your alters wants to take over.”
Alters? Tells? This couldn’t be happening.
I shuddered. My body felt foreign.
“Your other patients who have . . . this . . . are they okay?” I whispered.
“They are. It has taken time, but they’ve accepted their family. It’s not something to be scared of, Danielle. I promise to be there with you, with all of you, as we figure it out.”
When she said the word family, my headache dissipated a little. Not much, but a little. There was also a feeling inside me, a sense of rightness.
It was as if there were a thin layer of mist in my head covering the truth, and little by little, Dr. Brown was helping to clear that mist.
I didn’t like it.
I didn’t think I had a choice, though.
“Think of it as a puzzle, Danielle. Your life, everything you’ve experienced, is one section of the puzzle. Tyler, Ella, Savannah, Tami, and even Ava are all other sections.”
I understood puzzles.
“You’ll help us put all the pieces together?”
“I’ll try.”
I saw a mental video of lives being played out in my memories.
Savannah’s truth of her childhood, the abuse from her uncle. I understood where her desire for death came from. I watched Ava come to life as Savannah’s parents were killed. I saw the hard life Ava lived in prison and how she created Ella to help her survive. That was where I came in. I was the glue that held us all together. The knowledge that everything I’d ever believed about my past was a lie . . . it tore me into pieces. And yet, I realized, these pieces, if put together again like a puzzle, would form one life. One life with different chapters.
Just like Alice as she tumbled down the hole. Nothing was as it seemed.
“What about the murders? Do you still believe that was me?” Please, God, please let her say no.
“Not you. I can say with every certainty that Danielle Rycroft did not commit any murders.”
She was trying to make me feel better, but I heard the words she didn’t say.
>
It was too much. Too much for me to process.
“You want to speak to the others, don’t you?” I asked.
She shook her head, which surprised me.
“Just Ava. I think she’s the dominant one. The one who can answer our questions. Will that be okay? If I talk to her?”
I shrugged. I had no idea.
“If Ava comes out, what happens to me? Where do I go?” So many questions with no answers. Who could answer them? Dr. Brown? Ava?
A serene smile softened Dr. Brown’s face even though I caught the excitement as it rose inside her at the mention of Ava’s name.
“I’ll speak to Ava, but I think you’ll be fine, Danielle. She needs you. Every alter within a family plays a role. I believe yours is to be a helper, like you’ve told me. You’re there to help Savannah and Ella and Tyler, and by the sounds of it, you’ve done a fabulous job in helping them grow to be stronger individuals. You should be proud of yourself.”
I doubted I’d ever feel proud of myself again.
“How do I give Ava permission to take control?” I said this in a whisper that I was surprised Dr. Brown heard.
“It’s okay. Just close your eyes. Ava will know what to do,” she said.
There was understanding, compassion, and acceptance in Dr. Brown’s eyes, and I knew I could trust her.
I closed my eyes, accepting a vision that filled my mind.
One of a soft bed with turned-down covers and silk pajamas and my favorite book waiting to be read.
Chapter Forty-Five
FRIDAY, AUGUST 30
AVA
I pull my hand from the good doctor’s and look around. I am thirsty as hell and could use a stiff drink, but it looks like all I’ll get is water.
“Ava?”
I want to raise my arms high, stand on my tiptoes, and stretch my body as far as I can. Instead, all I can do is wiggle my fingers and lean to the right, then to the left in order to stretch.
“Is there any more water? My throat is dry.”
I catch the way her eyes light up before she tamps them down. She doesn’t want me to know she’s in the game now.
She’s ready, but so am I.
If she expects me to give up all my secrets, it needs to be a two-way street. I need some assurances, some favors, and I have no problem letting this linger as long as necessary.
Where else do we need to be? We’re going to be stuck in this hellhole for the rest of our lives unless I can figure out a way to get us out.
It might take time, but I will. One way or another. We will get out. I’ve done it before. I can do it again.
She pours me water and waits till I guzzle it down.
“I think we need to set some rules, don’t you?” I want to be the one in control. Not her. God, I wish we were on a couch in her office and not in this room. It’s cold. And it stinks.
This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve done this way too many times to let the head shrink be the one to set all the rules.
“What do you have in mind?”
Good. I like how this woman thinks. She’s going to let me lead the way, hoping that I’ll start to feel safe and share our secrets.
She may work with DID patients, but she’s never worked with me.
I’m not like most hosts. I keep a firm hand on everyone. We all have a purpose, and I make sure we all serve that purpose.
“First, you only talk to me. Danielle, Tyler, Savannah, and Ella won’t be coming out to answer any questions. They are all freaked out by what’s going on, and I’ve had to figure out ways to calm them down. Ella is a wreck. She’s closed in, and all the progress she made with Danielle is gone.”
When she nods, I take it that she agrees. She could be nodding to say she understands, but I could give a rat’s ass if she understands or not. This is the way things will be if she wants any answers.
“What about Tami?” she asks.
I scoff. “Tami’s busy taking care of Danielle. She’s her friend. I let Danielle create her because she was lonely. Since you won’t be talking to Danielle, you won’t be speaking to Tami. Understand?”
Tami was a mistake. One I sure as hell won’t make again.
“Second?”
I shrug. “I’ll let you know the other rules as we need them.”
I never said I’d play fair.
“In order for that to work, I need two promises from you.” She leans back, taps her fingers along her thigh.
“What’s that?” Now I’m on guard.
“I want you to promise me everyone is safe and they won’t be harmed.”
I almost jump out of my skin.
“Who do you think I am?” I barely keep my voice level. Fury fills me so fast my hands shake. “They are my family, bitch. Of course they will be safe and unharmed. They’re all resting. I fixed up their rooms special, just the way they like them. I know how to take care of my own.” I want to spit at her, slap her, shut this shit down, and say screw it all. How dare she accuse me of hurting them?
All she does is nod her fucking head.
I breathe in a few deep breaths, knowing I need to remain calm. If I don’t, she’ll have the upper hand.
“What’s the second promise?” I force the words out with a snake smile.
“That you won’t lie to me.” She doesn’t even skip a beat, blink, or pause.
“Done. Why would I lie? Serves me no purpose.” Talk about a waste of a promise. If I want this to go smoothly, then I need to cooperate, which I have no problem doing.
“Where’s Danielle now?”
It takes everything within me not to roll my eyes. I thought she understood how these things work. Does she understand how families of alters work?
“Danielle is in her room,” I repeat, a little more slowly to show how insane I find the repetitive question. “She’s getting comfortable, relaxing. Tami’s with her, like I said before. Tami turned out to be smarter than expected. She’s going to explain everything to Danielle.” My foot is itchy.
I jiggle my hands, the handcuffs hitting the table with a bang. “Any way I can get out of these? I promise I’m not going to hurt you. My foot itches like a bitch.”
She shakes her head at me, and I swear there’s a bit of a smirk she tries to hide.
“You’re going to ask about the rest of them, aren’t you? Ella is already gone, as in she’s lost within her own world, drinking tea with the Mad Hatter. She’s fast asleep and won’t awake till I tell her it’s time. Tyler, well . . . Tyler is in a time-out for a while. He broke some major rules, and now I can’t trust him. He’s going to need to earn that trust back.” Just the thought of Tyler puts me in a black mood. Now isn’t the time to deal with that.
“You’re upset.”
“Wouldn’t you be? You get betrayed by someone you love, and we all end up in here, in prison.” My knuckles crack in my attempt to calm myself. “You’ll try to get us into a psych hospital, right?”
“You blame all of that on Tyler?” She ignores my request.
“We would have gotten away if it weren’t for him.”
She picks up a file, our file, and flips through a few pages. “He was the one who left the notes, wasn’t he?”
“He’s never done that before. He was sneaky, and it took me a while to figure it out. Otherwise, I would have stopped that shit from happening a long time ago. But then he had to go and tell Danielle about me. Again, something he’s never done before. If he hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have had to stop him, which means I wouldn’t have come to her house. She could have been kept in the dark, safe from all the ugliness.” One plus one equals two. “So, yes, Tyler’s the one to blame.”
“He’s the reason you were caught, is that what you’re saying?”
I nod.
“You’re the Cheshire Ma—”
“The Cheshire Mad Queen,” I interrupt her. “Yes, I knew what they called me. Me. Not anyone else. You understand that, right? Danielle had nothing to do with any of the children we
protected.”
“You seem to be wanting to protect Danielle right now?”
What is it with the stupid questions?
“Of course I want to protect her. She’s innocent. Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? All I’ve done since we moved to this stupid town was protect her. She’s obsessed with Alice, so it made sense to move here, where she had good memories. Plus there’s that park with the statues from her books.” It feels like I’m talking to a teenager. I’d forgotten how tedious this could be. “I didn’t want to take that from her. Which is why I protected her from knowing anything. Whenever Tyler or Ella said too much, I stopped them.”
The look on the doctor’s face hasn’t changed.
“Do you think it’s possible you were so focused on protecting her that you made mistakes that indirectly ended up linking Danielle to your murders?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“The police found the stack of wrapped books in the house. The same books you left in the children’s rooms after you killed their parents.” She flips through her file and places her finger somewhere on the page.
This is where I’m supposed to give a reaction, but I don’t. I won’t.
“Still had nothing to do with Danielle.” I give her a smile, a Cheshire Cat smile, knowing I’ll win this argument. “In fact, I’m not sure how they managed to connect any dots to her.” I watch her, searching for the answer to a question that’s nibbling at the back of my head. “Unless it was you,” I say, laying out my accusation as if it were plain for all to see.
“I called the police, yes,” she admits. “I gave them the notes too. But it wasn’t until after hearing the first recording of Tyler, I started to piece together things that were bothering me and realized Danielle might have DID.”
It’s like she’s gauging me, testing me to see how far she can poke. Am I supposed to be surprised at her admission?
“So what, you called the police. There’s still no way you could connect the murders to her.”
She turns the file in her hands around so I can see what’s on the paper.
The leaflet.
The same one Danielle had in her rare Alice book, the one I found for her in an old bookstore years ago. Hidden among the pages, probably used as a bookmark, was this leaflet that was produced for children who read the story. There aren’t many out there anymore, and Ella thought it would be a nice touch, so we had a bunch of them printed out.
The Patient Page 27