Five years.
Angie studiously avoided Jace’s gaze. “One step at a time. I’ve got my meeting with the board on Friday and several businesses lined up to provide classes should we get the go-ahead. The bakery has offered a cake-decorating class, and they seemed really interested, so they’ll probably be up next.”
“That’s a long way from Grannies on Poles,” Jace commented.
Angie shrugged. “Maybe it was too ambitious.”
“You know,” Chloe said, “I have a friend who runs a burlesque studio in Melbourne. It’s too far for her to come and volunteer on a regular basis, but I’m sure we could swing some accommodation for her and get her to come overnight for a special one-off class.”
“That would be amazing!” Angie clapped her hands together. “Burlesque. Now, why didn’t I think of that? It’s sexy and fun. Just what Meredith said they needed.”
“Let me put in a call.” Chloe pulled out her phone and typed a note to herself. “And now I have to run. I’m teaching another class in forty minutes.”
As Chloe packed up her things, Angie and Jace stood around awkwardly. Truffle slapped his little paws up onto her legs, and she bent down to give him some love. “Did you have fun?”
“Actually, I did.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I wasn’t expecting to, but it was…entertaining.”
“Well, we happened to have a certified ham in the class today. Didn’t we, Sir Humps-a-lot?” Truffle made a satisfied little hmmph.
“How come you didn’t wear your engagement ring today?” He wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt—maybe it was because a ring might interfere with the yoga poses. Or the dogs. But he wanted to know if something was wrong.
He wouldn’t be blindsided again.
Angie looked like a deer caught in headlights. Okay, so it must not have been something to do with the yoga class. “Let’s talk outside.”
They took Truffle through the front of the retirement home, and Angie waved to the staff. Outside, the suburban street was even quieter now that school had started up for the year.
“Is something going on?” he asked. “Ever since we got engaged, you’ve been acting strange, and I’m starting to feel like you don’t want this.”
“I do want this,” she said.
“But every time I mention telling people, you shut down.” He raked a hand through his hair, trying to shake out the frustrated energy. He wanted this to work between them, because the more he got to know Angie, the more he knew losing her would be a mistake.
The memories of that rehearsal dinner—even knowing what he did now—haunted him. He hated feeling like a laughingstock. Or worse, someone people pitied. What if Angie did that to him?
“Are you…ashamed?”
“No! God, not even a little bit.” She shook her head. “More like the other way around. I know you think people won’t care or pry into my past, but honestly, I’ve found very few people who mind their own business. People are going to have an opinion about the fact that we went from being friends to being engaged without much in-between.”
“So what? We don’t need anyone’s permission.”
“But I want to make this my home.” Her eyes welled, and the sight was a sucker punch. He hated seeing her sad, even more so because he knew it upset her to let her emotions out like that. “We’ll have to live here, with people gossiping.”
“You seem to be more focused on everybody else than on us.” Jace sighed. Truffle swung his head back and forth between the two of them, as if watching a ping-pong match. Poor guy could probably sense the tension. Hell, he was pretty sure they could feel it on the other side of the world.
She looked at him incredulously. “One, I’ve been busy with planning for the board meeting because it’s important to me—”
“You know that’s not what I’m talking about.”
“And two,” she continued, her dark eyes blazing with indignation. “I’ve made breakfast for you almost every morning. I’ve cleaned that whole house from top to bottom, and I’ve tried so damn hard to be perky and happy no matter what was going on in my head.”
“Exactly!” Jace threw up the hand that wasn’t holding Truffle’s leash. “I don’t want a maid, Angie. I don’t expect you to pick up after me and pretend to be happy when you’re not. You’re not my employee. And frankly, I like my plain porridge every day.”
Her cheeks flushed bright pink, and she pursed her lips. “Well excuse me for trying to be helpful.”
“Why are you trying to be helpful? You don’t need to earn your place in my house.” It killed him that she thought that way, like she needed to do things for him in order to make up for some imaginary deficit she thought she had.
Or maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe it was that Angie was starting to understand what she’d signed up for—marriage to a man who wasn’t perfect. Who wasn’t always able to be a hero, like men in the movies she watched. Who was flawed and struggled with his thoughts and who sometimes at the end of a long day just needed to be alone.
Maybe she started to think this was all a big mistake.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Angie wasn’t sure what was happening right now. But it felt like everything was falling apart—just as she feared it would. And Jace’s comment had thrown her for a loop. Did she think she needed to earn her place?
“The second I proposed to you, it was like you turned into someone different, and I’m struggling to make sense of it,” he said.
“Do you know how many guys would love a fiancée who did those things for them?” She planted her hands on her hips, but then she felt like a toddler having a tantrum. So she dropped them by her sides, but that didn’t feel right, either.
“Most guys would love a fiancée who wasn’t covering up how she felt with fake smiles and who actually wanted to tell people she was engaged.”
“That’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair is the fact that you’re acting like you’re on audition. But you don’t need to. I know what we’ve got between us is something special.”
“Are you sure about that?” It was the doubt deep under her skin, the thorn that wouldn’t stop pricking her. “Are you really sure?”
He blinked. “This is because I told you about Julia, isn’t it? I thought couples were supposed to share their mistakes without judgment.”
“I’m not judging you. I’m afraid you’re going to do the same thing to me that you did to her.”
“For a woman who packed her bags and moved to another country knowing nobody and nothing about where she was going, you sure are afraid of a lot of things at the moment.” He cringed as soon as the words were out of his mouth.
But they were like a slap across her face.
“That came out harsher than I meant.” He held up a hand.
“We should be able to be honest with each other. After all, we haven’t got much time to figure this all out, and if it fails, then I have to leave.” Panic clawed at the back of her throat at the mere mention of it. Dammit. Why did she have to be so emotional? If she could cut her tear ducts out right now, she would.
“Is that what’s gotten you so wound up? The thirty-day thing?”
“There’s nothing like a ticking time bomb to make a girl feel like she can’t mess up,” she muttered. It wasn’t Jace’s fault—she knew that. Hell, it wasn’t even really her fault. But it seemed that running away to Australia hadn’t vanquished her demons after all—it had simply put them to sleep for a bit. But now they were roaring and hungry and demanding more. More doubt, more insecurity, more of the softest parts of her.
“I don’t expect you to be perfect,” Jace said. “That would be pretty bloody hypocritical of me.”
“But if I’m not, then I’m out of options. If I don’t do a good enough job at playing your fiancée, it could mean going back to everything I’ve
been trying to escape my whole life.” It was too much pressure—she could see that now. Even with the opportunity laid out in front of her, the fear of losing it all was strangling her. “It’s hanging over me.”
“I get that, but a relationship can’t be based on two people playing a role instead of being themselves. That’s false and insincere.”
Angie’s cheeks were hot. She’d never felt more embarrassed, more like a failure. She had a great guy in front of her who wanted to give things a shot, and she was too messed up to be happy. What if this was a sign that she’d never be able to love someone else? What if everything that had happened—the abandonment of her family, the foster parents who couldn’t handle her, the lawyers who took advantage of her—had left her so broken and so untrusting of both herself and others that she was destined to be alone?
“I like you as you are—I like that rom-coms make you smile and that you’re always fighting to make things better and that you’re talkative and thoughtful. I like that you’ve become part of this town, that you know everyone’s names and what they do and that you’re working hard to beat the things that have held you back.”
“But every time I think I’ve gotten better…I haven’t.” Her breath was coming quicker now, her chest aching. “I’m never good enough.”
“Yes, you are.” He looked so frustrated with her, it made her heart ache. “I don’t know how many times I need to tell you.”
“I have given so many chances in my life and every time, people have walked away.” Her lip trembled, but she dug as deep as she could to hold on to her emotions and crush them down into a little box. “You have no idea, Jace. You grew up with your perfect family who loved you, who supported you. I…I’m not used to that.”
It was like everything could be so good, and the possibility of it terrified her. Because if she screwed up and lost it all, how would she ever recover?
“I know how lucky I am,” he said quietly. While control was doing its best to wriggle out of her grip, he was turning in on himself. Shutting down. She could see it—the light in his eyes dimming, his mouth drawing into an even, flat line. The walls were going up. “You could have had my family care about you, too.”
Could have. Past tense.
A wave of sickness swelled in her belly, threatening to bring up the smoothie she’d had for breakfast. “I wanted this to work.”
“So did I. But you didn’t even give it a chance. Can’t you see what you’re doing? You’re cutting yourself off at the knees, so when it fails you can say, See, I knew that would happen. Instead of actually trying to make it work, you’re doing everything in your power to sabotage it.”
“I’m trying to sabotage it?” How could he say that when all she’d done her whole damn life was try, try, try? Try to make friends, try to find parents who might love her, try to find a new home, try to fit in. “That is the most hurtful thing you could possibly say to me.”
“Don’t you see the pattern?” He looked at her like she was truly lost. Like she was blind. “You left it to the last minute to check on your visa application, by which time it was too late to do anything about it. You create this outrageous plan to fall in love so you can stay, but you pick guys you aren’t really that interested in. Then you have an opportunity with me to really have a go at it…and what? You start shutting me out, focusing on all the wrong things.”
“So it’s all my fault?”
A stone settled in her stomach. But at the same time, she felt…angry. Why didn’t anything come easy?
“The funny thing is, I’ve been feeling like you aren’t being yourself around me. You haven’t been surfing anywhere near as much as normal. Your sketchbooks are nothing but blank pages.” She ticked the items off on her fingers. “You barely touch the breakfast I make for you, and that’s when I find a stupid amount of oats in your cupboard. It didn’t even click until we went for brunch. That’s what you normally eat, but you won’t even tell me something basic like that.”
“What was I supposed to do? Reject this kind gesture?”
“You threw the food in the trash, Jace. It took a few days to figure that out, but I saw it yesterday. I saw you sneaking into the kitchen to do it.” She shook her head. “Why couldn’t you just communicate with me?”
He let out a growl of frustration and turned away from her, which hurt more than anything. It was like he was shutting her out. Pushing her away.
Why wouldn’t he? This whole thing is a complete mess because you’re aiming for something that clearly you’re not destined to have.
But she couldn’t stop herself. “Then you get to the end of the day and you’re hollowed out. Like your brain is somewhere else, and I’ve been in so many houses where people’s eyes glossed over me, Jace. I don’t want that with you. I can’t…live like that.”
He was quiet, his eyes trained on the distance as though he was counting birds in the sky. This was what she was talking about. He shut down sometimes and wouldn’t tell her what he needed. The ridiculous thing was, that whatever he needed, she would give it to him.
“All the change has been…tough,” he admitted, shoving his hands into his pockets. Truffle sniffed around their feet, the end of his leash hooked around Jace’s wrist. “I’m okay messing up my routine for a day here or there, but this has been…a lot.”
“I kept telling you to go work if you needed to. Or to go and do…whatever. I kept giving you options because I didn’t want you to turn your whole life upside down for me.”
But was that exactly what she’d done? Maybe her mere presence was too much. Like it had been for all those families…no matter how hard she tried.
“You were so busy buzzing around my house, doing all these things for me, that I felt like if I wanted time away, that you wouldn’t understand. That you’d take it personally.”
Hadn’t she proven that she would understand? Jace’s quirks took some getting used to, but that wasn’t because of his autism. Everybody had quirks. Everybody had needs mismatched from those around them because they were all unique. Wasn’t that something every couple dealt with?
“And truthfully,” he added, “I wanted you to treat me like you’d treat any person in a relationship. I didn’t want you to see me as different.”
“But you are different, Jace. We all are. Because the only way we’re not different from each other is if we’re freaking cardboard cutouts!”
“Maybe I’m sick of being different,” he said stonily.
“You say that and yet I’m the one sabotaging things.” That comment had really stung.
Did he really believe that all this time she was the reason her life sucked? That she was subconsciously ruining any chance at happiness she might have had?
“You have to believe you deserve to be happy,” Jace said, turning back to her. “And I don’t think you do.”
“Well, then what’s the point in my staying here?” Biting down on the inside of her cheek to help her focus on something other than the giant pain slashing like a scalpel across her heart, Angie hitched the strap holding her yoga mat higher up on her shoulder. “If I’m going to be miserable, I might as well do it in a country where I can stay as long as I like.”
She couldn’t believe Jace thought that she was self-sabotaging. It was like he didn’t even know her.
“Angie, stop.” He reached out for her, but she jerked away. “I don’t want this to end in a fight.”
“I can’t talk to you right now,” she said, backing away from him. “I need some space to clear my head.”
“Don’t run away, okay?” His blue eyes bored into hers, but she looked at the ground. “Please.”
But what else could she do—running away was the only way to make the pain stop. Maybe she should stop trying to find a place to fit in and simply find somewhere to hide. For good. It was clear she wasn’t capable of making anyone happy.
“I’m sorry,” she said, swallowing down every little bit of emotion she felt until it was as if her body had turned to stone. Then she jogged in the direction of home.
Please don’t follow me. Please don’t follow me.
She needed some time to herself, to really think about what she was doing here. About her next steps. Nothing would happen before Friday, because she’d be damned if all her hard work on the proposal went to waste. But then what?
It’s over. You failed.
The words came on a loop, following the thump of her heart.
It’s over. You failed.
She’d let herself down. She’d let Jace down. What was there left to do except go back to America with her tail between her legs—head down, hoping nobody would notice her return? Maybe she could find another country to travel to, keep moving until she found another “dream home” location.
In her heart of hearts, she knew that wouldn’t happen—Patterson’s Bluff was where she wanted to be.
Only Jace wouldn’t want to marry her now. Not when it was clear he thought so little of her—self-sabotaging, indeed. That wasn’t her. She was a trier. A doer. A give-it-a-goer.
And frankly, if he couldn’t even tell her that he wanted to eat plain freaking oats in the morning, then…well, maybe she didn’t want to marry him, either.
When she reached Jace’s house, she glanced behind her. He hadn’t followed—since he’d driven to the retirement home, he would have beaten her there. But he’d obviously decided not to chase after her. Probably for the best—she wasn’t sure what to say to him anyway.
Unfortunately, she had her big meeting with the retirement home’s board to present her plans for the community business partnership, and she refused to leave before getting it over the line. Only she couldn’t stay here now. Not knowing Jace was so close. The meeting was due to take place in three days. She’d call Chloe and ask if she could crash on her couch until then.
The Aussie Next Door Page 26