by Cassie Hart
He grinned. ‘Quite an endorsement. If you ever decide to give me the flick could you write that in your letter of recommendation?’ He quirked an eyebrow and Jena giggled.
‘Come on, let’s do this.’ She opened the door and went to swing her legs out, but paused before setting her foot on the ground.
‘Come on!’ Cade called. He was already at the bottom of the steps.
Jena closed the distance, her shoes connecting to the ground with a thud that seemed to reverberate through her body. She shivered, suddenly cold despite the heat of the day, and wrapped her arms around herself. A dark cloud loomed over the back of the house, though it hadn’t blotted out the sun yet. A harbinger of doom? She hoped not, but it hadn’t been there before, had it? Or maybe she was just being dramatic about the whole thing.
Cade squeezed her hand and she gave him a little smile before they started up the steps.
Jena paused at the door, curbing her initial instinct to just push it open and go in. This wasn’t her home now. She had to remember that. Her hand shook as she clenched it into a fist and rapped it against the wood. She peered through the window at the top of the door, the rippled glass distorting the view. She could see movement, a head coming towards them, looking disembodied from the lack of light inside.
The door swung open revealing a man about their age. He was taller than Cade, stockier too, though his face was clean-shaven and his attire informal, but tidy. His brown skin and broad nose hinted at Māori heritage. Even with his suntan, Cade looked pale in comparison.
‘Can I help you?’ the man asked, his tone professional, polite. Then his expression softened, recognition dawning in his brown eyes as he glanced back down the hallway before settling his gaze on her. ‘Hang on, you must be Jena. Right?’
She nodded slowly, eyes rounding as a grin flashed across his face. Cade gripped her hand tighter, as if he wasn’t sure what to think of this guy either.
‘Rose has photos of you around the house. It took me a minute, but I knew I’d seen your face before. Come on in. She’s resting at the moment. Pat told me you might be coming down, but I didn’t know it would be so soon.’ He moved to the side, ushering them in. ‘I’m Will. I’ve been looking after Rose since she came out of the hospital.’
‘Thanks, Will,’ Jena said. She removed her shoes before stepping over the threshold, trying not to think about how that small movement felt significant, and waited for Cade to enter before she closed the door behind him. It blocked out most of the sunlight, leaving them in gloom. Light trickled down the stairs, but she wasn’t ready to think about up there yet. ‘This is Cade, my boyfriend. He’s come to help me.’
‘Nice to meet you both,’ Will said. He shook Jena’s hand and then Cade’s, his palm dry, his grip firm. ‘Hope the drive out wasn’t too bad. Do you want a cup of tea?’ He led them down the hallway towards the kitchen.
Cade followed, but Jena trailed behind, running her fingers over the old wood of the bannister that edged the staircase. She looked down the hallway and could have sworn she saw the ghost of her sibling running towards the back door, laughing. Joel would cast a glance back, his eyes locking with hers, daring her to chase. She gasped for breath and leaned against the wall for support.
She thought she’d been prepared, but it was almost like she’d never left. The crush of loss crowding in on her again. How had Rose lived here all this time among the ghosts of their past?
A shadow crossed her face and she blinked to find Cade in front of her. He reached for her hand, brow dipped in concern, and drew her down to the kitchen where Will was preparing hot drinks and Anzac biscuits. Even if Will had followed the recipe, they wouldn’t be the same. They wouldn’t be as good as Rose’s.
Jena remembered the care packages she used to get that first year. Fresh baking wrapped up in paper towels and couriered as fragile. They’d always been broken and crumbly by the time they arrived, but she’d hoarded those cookies, hiding in the makeshift tree house she’d made, not sharing with her aunt and uncle. They’d tasted like home, and back then she would have done anything to go home. Anything to see Rose and the farm, even if it was laden with pain and the rest of her family wasn’t there.
She’d been too young to properly understand they were gone for good, too young to think about ghosts in the hallways and the echoes of her past coming to haunt her. As she’d aged, her thoughts had turned from a desire to go back to an obsession with knowing what had actually happened, because she knew the story, but the story and her memories had never quite matched up.
‘Jena?’ Will asked.
‘Huh? Sorry.’ She moved towards the kitchen table, pulling out a seat and sitting down, only realising once she was there that it was her seat. The same spot she’d sat in for almost every meal of her childhood.
‘How do you like your tea?’ His voice was gentle, his eyes kind. He must know what had happened here. Everyone knew. It was why Rose said she’d sent her to live with Pat and David up in Auckland, far from the rumours and whispers about the tragedy of their family. Jena liked to imagine she’d have coped growing up under that shadow, because whether she was in this town or not, that tragedy had always defined her. The girl whose family burned. The girl who was sent away.
The girl that wasn’t wanted.
‘White with one sugar, thanks.’
Cade slipped into the seat beside her – Joel’s seat – and put his mug on the coaster. His hand slipped onto her thigh beneath the table, stilling her jiggling leg. ‘Pretty traditional, right? This place.’
Jena nodded, but didn’t think she could speak. Will put a steaming mug on the table in front of her and she gripped it with both hands, letting the heat ground her.
Will circled the table, dragging out the chair opposite – Mum’s – and settling into it. ‘How much do you know about what’s happening with Rose?’
Jena sighed, her shoulders drooping as she leaned back in the chair. ‘Not a whole lot. David said she’d had a fall, and they found out there was cancer.’ She couldn’t help but think about the way cancer seemed to eat away at people, kind of like secrets. Maybe Rose’s secrets were all catching up on her. ‘They said she doesn’t have long, that they’re selling the farm and she’s going to go into a home.’ She licked her lips, suddenly feeling guilty for not being there earlier, and then angry at herself for feeling guilty. ‘Look, they only just told me. I’d have come sooner if I’d known, but ….’ She shook her head. This was hard. Harder than she thought it would be, and she hadn’t even seen the old woman yet.
‘It’s fine,’ Will said, as if he knew Rose. Knew her better than Jena did. Her gut clenched as a twinge of jealousy shot through her. ‘She’ll be thrilled to see you when she’s had a rest, I’m sure. She’s on quite a lot of medication, but she’ll put on a brave face. Don’t let it fool you, though. She’s not well.’
‘Why is it just me?’ Jena asked. ‘I don’t get why my aunt and uncle aren’t here too. Pitching in.’
Will frowned and she couldn’t help but think he was weighing his words carefully. ‘Your grandmother preferred that they didn’t come. I think … I think she wanted to give you some time here on your own. Perhaps you have some unfinished business?’ He looked her in the eyes then and she shivered, glancing away.
Yeah, he definitely knows more than he’s letting on.
‘And when will you be leaving?’ Jena asked, sitting up straighter. ‘I’m here now, and I can take care of Rose.’
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. ‘I’m staying on until she goes to the home. She’s asked me to.’
Jena leaned back in her chair, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. She wished Rose was awake now so she could march in there and give the old woman a piece of her mind. If she knew Jena had unfinished business, then why was she asking this guy to stick around and get in the way?
Though, hadn’t that been part of why she’d brought Cade? A little buffer between them, a shoulder to cry on when she needed it.
Maybe avoidance runs in the family.
‘Okay.’ She shrugged.
‘And you’re a nurse or something?’ Cade asked. He sipped from his cup, his gaze never leaving Will, like he was making a challenge. From the way he was eyeing up the other man she wondered if he might be intimidated.
‘A carer, not a nurse exactly. But I’ve had training. I take care of her, make sure she takes her meds, clean up around the house; showers and toileting, that kind of thing.’
Cade’s lips twisted into a grimace. Jena glanced at him, begging him not to make some dumbass comment about it.
‘Thank you for all your help,’ she said, standing up from the table and taking her mug around the kitchen bench to the sink. She rinsed it out, twin feelings that she was out of place and exactly where she should be warring in her mind. But she had to keep focused. Get Will out of here as soon as she could. ‘I’m sure she really appreciates it, but maybe once we’ve had a chance to talk, she’ll see that you’re not really needed around here. I mean, no offence or anything, but we’re family, and if she really is on her way out, I want to be here for her and do everything I can.’
‘No offence taken, and I’m sure you mean well, but there’s more to it than just being here. And I have a contract.’ He got up and came over, pulling open a dishwasher drawer she hadn’t noticed, taking her mug from her and putting it inside. He was close to her now, his height, his demeanour not intimidating as such, but enough to make her take a step back. ‘Look, it’s not up to you anyway, but if Rose decides she wants me to leave then that’s what I’ll do.’ Will sipped from his mug as Jena levelled a glare at him. Clearly, he wasn’t perturbed by her. But aside from the slight tightening around his eyes, she couldn’t fathom what he was thinking.
She didn’t care.
‘How long do you think she’ll be asleep for?’ Jena asked. This wasn’t the homecoming she’d dreamed of. It wasn’t what she wanted.
‘It’s hard to say, but if you want to get settled in, I can call you when she’s ready to see you.’
‘Fine. Whatever.’ Jena stepped around Will and crossed to Cade. She put a hand on his shoulder and smiled. ‘Could you get our bags?’
‘Yeah, sure thing, babe.’ Cade turned his head and pressed a kiss onto the back of her hand.
‘You can stay in your old room. Just go to the end of the landing, on the right,’ Will added. ‘I prepared it yesterday after your aunt called to say you might come.’
Jena didn’t bother looking at him, didn’t want to give him any credit. As if this interloper could tell her where she could go.
‘I might not have been here in a while, but this was my home, thanks.’ She rolled her eyes at Cade, who laughed, and then got up from the table, leaving his mug behind. Jena left the room.
If Will wants to play nurse and assistant, then he can damn well clean up.
Cade followed her to the front door.
‘You got the directions, right?’ she asked with a sigh.
He laughed. ‘Yeah, loud and clear. Uppity cock.’
‘You could say that.’ Jena crossed her arms over her chest. ‘We don’t need him here. I don’t want him here, either. I get a weird vibe off him.’ She shivered, and Cade wrapped his arms around her. She leaned into his warmth and found herself wishing they’d just stayed in the city. It would have been easier.
‘It’ll be okay, yeah? Get in, get some work done, get out with the money, and on with the rest of our lives.’
‘Yup, in and out.’ She kissed him on the cheek and took the first step up. ‘I’ll meet you upstairs.’
She watched him walk out the door, and then turned and faced the stairwell. It took up the left side of the entrance and was lined with family pictures from across the generations. Rose had been here since the 1950s, but her grandfather’s family had settled this area with the early colonists. It hadn’t crossed Jena’s mind until right now that this land could possibly belong to anyone else. Not that anyone in the family wanted it, with what had happened here. But the thought of it not being theirs was alien.
She inhaled deeply and took the first step. It creaked in the middle, same as always, and she grinned, trying to remember the right pattern for getting up the stairs without making a sound. Step close to the wall on the third and fifth step, the middle of the fourth, miss two and seven entirely, and eight was okay. A loud groan proved her wrong and she grimaced.
‘Take the rest up on the right-hand side and they won’t make a sound.’
Jena whipped around, grabbing the bannister to stabilise herself, and found Will looking up at her from the bottom of the stairs. She wanted to be grumpy at him for his familiarity with her home, but what was the use in that? If they had to tolerate each other for now, she would bite her tongue.
‘Thanks,’ she said, then turned back and took the rest of the steps at a jog. She paused outside Rose’s bedroom door. Jena’s hand twitched and she wanted to swing the door wide, but Rose wouldn’t be on the second floor. Not if she was as sick as everyone suggested.
Jena headed down the landing, pausing outside the door of her old room, uncertainty creeping over her. She put her hand on the doorknob, her fingers twitching as they came into contact. She wanted to pull them back, to just go somewhere else. Anywhere.
Because she had no idea what to expect on the other side of this door.
Was the place going to be a shrine to her dead family? The girl she used to be? Would it still be furnished with her old single bed and the shelf on the wall where her teddy bear had sat during the day?
Steeling herself, she turned the handle and opened the door. It took a moment for her brain to catch up to the present because she saw the ghost of the old bed, her drawers, and her toy box so vividly in her mind that she couldn’t quite grasp the reality. A double bed with a modern comforter on it, a sunflower pattern she’d never have chosen, and a bedside table with a new lamp. The wall shelf and her old set of drawers were still there, but the stickers she’d collected had been stripped off and someone had painted it white.
It was like her past had been erased.
Like she had been erased.
Jena crossed the threshold, skin prickling as she did. She moved to the bed and flopped down on her back, gazing at the ceiling.
And then a smile stole across her face as she noticed them; the subtle outlines of the glow-in-the-dark stars. She’d saved for weeks to be able to afford them.
At least a small part of her remained in this place. She would put her teddy on the bed, and her book and photo on the little shelf above the bed. It would kind of be hers again. Claiming her past, her present.
She couldn’t wait until tonight so she could see those little stars light up in the darkness.
CHAPTER THREE
JENA
Cade scrubbed the towel through his damp hair, tossed it over the door and put his hands on his hips. Jena realised that he didn’t even look out of place here. His well-worn, patchy clothing had looked hipster in the city, but on a farm it just looked sensible.
‘Come on,’ he said. ‘You can’t just lie there until she wakes up. Show me around.’
‘Ugh. I don’t think I’m ready.’ Jena forced herself to sit up. She glanced out the window to where the huge cherry blossom tree grew.
Its branches used to be so long they’d scrape her bedroom window, making her shiver and hide beneath her blankets. It had been cut back sometime over the years and now it looked like it was reaching out to her, longing to reconnect after all this time apart.
Not that she needed any more fuel for her nightmares; she had plenty of that already.
Cade crossed the room, his footsteps seeming loud and out of place here, and grabbed her by the arm. He pulled her to her feet and looked her in the eye. ‘We can use it as a chance to figure out how much needs to be done. Come on.’ He kissed her on the forehead. ‘I don’t want to be stuck here forever.’
‘Fine,’ she said with a groan. ‘Let’s go.’
Slipping her hand into his, she followed him onto the landing. His footsteps slowed, and he pulled her to a stop beside the wall of photos.
‘Nope,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘Not yet. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after, just not now. Let’s go outside.’ Jena tugged on Cade’s hand and he started moving again, down the stairs, creaking all the way, and out the front door into the light.
Well, the half-light. The cloud that had loomed over the house earlier was now covering the whole sky, swallowing up the sun. Jena shivered and stepped back inside, grabbing one of the many jackets on the coat rack. There had always been a million jackets, left there over the years, probably from all the way back to when her grandfather Ernest had skipped out on Rose.
She shrugged her arms into somebody else’s coat and closed the door behind her.
‘Is there one in there for me?’ Cade raised an eyebrow.
‘Sorry.’ Jena shook her head. ‘I wasn’t even thinking. Old habit. Strange what sticks, isn’t it?’ She opened the door again and found one that would fit Cade, and then they set out, hand in hand.
Jena led them in the opposite direction to the barn. The gardens had run a bit wild, but overall shouldn’t be too much trouble to tame. Some of the paint on the house was peeling, but she didn’t think that would be too challenging either, though there were a few window sills with rot in them. Someone had been keeping the place tidy at least, which meant there wasn’t going to be too much work to do.
Jena wasn’t sure if she was pleased about that. She needed time to convince Rose to tell her the truth, but already she was on edge from being back here. She’d never known it was possible to simultaneously want to run away and stay right where you were. Kind of like the helicopter ornament that used to be on the fence, its rotor blades spinning endlessly while it stayed stuck in place, never lifting off or breaking free.
She wanted to be free.
‘Do you think we should check in the barn for paint and stuff?’ Cade asked. They’d made it almost all the way around the house and it was looming off to the side.