by Ethan Joella
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For Rebecca, Gia, and Frankie.
Because, because, because.
1. Rain Day
Freddie Tyler wakes at six and watches her sleeping husband breathe for a moment. The dog lifts his head from his place at the foot of the bed and jumps off to join her before she slips out the door. Downstairs, she flips the switch by the fireplace and flames spread out among the river rocks.
The coffee sputters and drips as she opens the back door for the dog, Wizard. Freddie relishes the rush of autumn air against her ankles, watches the dog trudge through the dewy grass, goes back in to feed the cat, which has been waiting in the kitchen.
She shouldn’t be worried.
Freddie has always loved mornings. She likes the margin she gains when she’s the first awake. She likes the way the back lawn outside the window looks rested and raked. She likes the way half the kitchen is dark. The sun through the skylight makes lazy shadows of trees across the wood floors, and she wanders around the house as if she has just discovered it.
Beyond the yard’s back fence are two wooded lots, and she wishes she and Greg could buy them so no one ever builds there. The trees are starting to turn, just blushing now with hints of red, and she pictures a deer somewhere tiptoeing its way around. She imagines knowing those lots would always stay the same, knowing they could make that happen. But this isn’t a good time to talk about the future.
She breathes the way she heard Greg breathe in bed. She stands by the counter and places one hand on her chest and feels its steady swell and release. She imagines the clean air filling her body. She thinks of their daughter, Addie, breathing in her room, knows she will have to wake up in less than an hour.
These past few weeks Freddie has had a need to save, to hang on to everything—Addie’s drawings, receipts, and even land that hasn’t been built on. She wants to put yellow caution tape around everything good.
Her intentions for mornings are always optimistic. Yoga in front of the French doors. Or taking Wizard on a walk to Woodsen Park, pausing so she can glimpse the fallen leaves and observe the quiet houses: the papers still in driveways, the cars still tucked in, the lights in windows slowly coming on.
She waits for the coffee and even thinks of writing again.
Freddie used to be a writer. Used to the way someone refers to once being a gymnast or having lived in London. How did she let that part of herself get away? The part of her who spent so many hours as an undergrad sitting in a circle of dramatic people workshopping pieces—pieces was what the professors called everything. The piece you submitted. She even published stories and poems years ago, in decent journals.
Could she find her writer self again, at almost forty? It hasn’t really left her, has it? She is still always, always recording information in her head. Maybe she could write a poem today. Maybe the first paragraph of a piece on grief—or potential grief. She knows what she will say. How grief comes in shyly, like a new season. How grief is something else before it is grief. She could write about detecting grief.
She shakes her head. This could all be nothing. This thing with Greg might keep being nothing.
She pours her coffee and remembers the clothes in the dryer and thinks if she just folds five things, the pile won’t be so big, and there will still be enough time for yoga. For dog walking. For the beginning of the essay on grief or nongrief. She wipes the spot where the coffee has spilled. She folds two kitchen towels, a pillowcase, a T-shirt of Greg’s, and a pajama shirt of Addie’s that Freddie holds to her face for a second. She looks longingly at Greg’s shirt, the collar frayed, but she thinks of Addie, who doesn’t know anything about this. Addie, who thinks a bad day is when Curious George isn’t on. She feels a swelling in her throat when she thinks of her tiny daughter but shakes her head, clearing the thought. But this little pajama shirt with the horses on it bothers her. It’s too brazen in its innocence: horses without bridles, meadow flowers, small squiggles of clouds and birds in the sky. Whoever made this shirt must think nothing bad can happen to anyone.
It’s not fair.
She looks around and sees the bananas she bought on the way home from work yesterday. The green has just vanished, and they sit in front of the subway tile backsplash. The contrast of bright yellow against white stuns her. She used to write about beautiful things: mountains, old red bridges, fields of geese.
On the refrigerator, Addie’s drawing of a pumpkin with trailing vines and a thick stem. Freddie sees Greg’s appointment card and she straightens it: October 17. One week away. She doesn’t think she can wait a week, but then she wishes seven days would last forever. Greg. Her Ken doll, she always called him.
Greg. Still real, still sleeping upstairs in their bed.
Nothing has happened.
Wizard waits at the door to come back in, and she wonders for a moment if Mrs. Crowley could get by without her today. But there are those bridesmaids’ dresses—five of them in that awful paisley print—and that miserable Bob Vines who owns the Regent Theater in town wants his pants ready for pickup tomorrow. Now isn’t the time to call in sick.
Even if a sick day meant the walk with Wizard, the undisturbed yoga, the newly hatched plan to pick Addie up from school early and go to Shake Superior (Connecticut’s newest restaurant chain) for a midday burger and fries, convincing Greg to meet them afterward, could all happen. Maybe they could go to Woodsen Park and watch the kite club, the group of retired men who meet there to fly box kites. They could even drive to the farm with the donkeys and buy gourds and cider. There is a whole world out there—in their small city of Wharton and beyond—that they miss every day.
She crosses her arms. She wishes it would rain. A rainy day would make it easier to call in to work and say she’s not coming.
Her mother always loved the rain. She would sit in the small kitchen with the cherry tablecloth, and smile hopefully at Freddie’s father, a farmer, who would look out the window, shrug, and sit beside her, his knee touching her knee. “A cozy day,” her mother would say, and it would be. They’d read the paper and later he’d watch The Price Is Right while she did needlepoint in the living room. “No point in working in this,” her dad would say, and the fire would swell in the stone fireplace, and their grandfather clock would chime, while outside the rain coated the fields of alfalfa, the tool shed.
She would give anything to stay home today—to have one of her parents’ rain days.
She planned to write full-time when Addie started school. Now with Addie in first grade, Freddie finally has the day to herself. She meant to write after the conference in Vermont a couple of years ago with Lance Gray, the famous poet.
“You see things,” Lance said in that session. He pointed right at her. Others had told her she was perceptive.
“Such a caring, sensitive girl,” her mother used to say.
Freddie expected to make tea every day, get the house together, volunteer in Addie’s classroom. To write. She imagined afternoons seeing the school bus turn the corner outside the office window, and hitting save on her laptop, sighing a satisfied sigh from another day’s work. You see things.
But when Mrs. Crowley advertised for a seamstress a few hours a week, Freddie saw the Help Wanted sign and decided to give it a try. “It’ll be good to show up somewhere,” she said to Greg, who s
hrugged. She imagined this routine forcing her to make the hours count—that she would get her writing done between dropping Addie off and heading to the cleaners. She feared being unmoored—that the whole day would get away from her. She thought a part-time job would put parameters around her hours, like the lines on a map.
Greg loved the writer in her. He would put on his reading glasses and skim over her drafts and nod and smile. He frowned when she told Mrs. Crowley on the phone that she could start the next day.
This was in August, when they found some irregularity in his bloodwork after his physical, and he started to notice some symptoms. Maybe Greg worried she was trying to make money in case he didn’t pull through. Maybe she was—even though money probably wasn’t a problem at this point. Greg’s boss, Alex Lionel, had treated Greg very well—stock in the company, a generous salary, a new Mercedes a few years ago. Their house was paid off, and they were savers. They were always planning for a spectacular future—a good college for Addie, trips to islands and Europe.
You see things.
To write, she always thought, you have to dive deeper. Maybe she wanted to stop seeing things. Now she likes the certainty of hemming and sewing. She likes that she can usually start over, yanking thread away, if she needs to.
Mrs. Crowley paid Freddie well to alter clothes from Wharton and the town over, even the town beyond that. After word of a capable seamstress got around, the jobs piled up. Who would have thought? This only started from her mother teaching her to sew, and from her time in college helping out with the costume department.
Now she’s with Mrs. Crowley four days a week in that store with all the clothes in plastic swishing around on the automatic rack, the smell of wool and silk, the radio set to NPR or the BBC. Crowley Cleaners is spacious and tidy with its streak-free windows and immaculate entry floor mat. Mrs. Crowley, a tough widow with her “My, oh my” and “Yes, dear” responses. Her shaky handwriting, her efficient bookkeeping. Her weekly checks made out to Frederica Tyler.
Freddie likes being needed.
If she tries hard enough, she can almost forget writing. Forget her goal to put a portfolio together before the holidays, to apply to the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. It was a silly idea anyway. How would she ever get to Iowa? The program always seemed like a stamp of legitimacy. She wondered what kind of pieces they wrote, what they discussed in small groups.
She hears the toilet flush and the water running. Greg brushing his teeth, as he always does, before breakfast and coffee. When he comes down, his charcoal hair will be slicked in place, his face will be cleanly shaven. He never looks wrecked the way she feels.
Wouldn’t she know if he really was ill, if the first round of medication the doctors started him on in August wasn’t working?
She plunks an English muffin into the toaster and puts out two cereal bowls. She sighs as she looks at the clock—how do the minutes just rocket by? She tiptoes up the stairs, and waves to Greg as she stands outside the bathroom. He is wearing the black silk robe that he wore for a Halloween costume several years ago—before Addie, before everything. Now it comes out in colder weather. “Hey,” he says.
“Well,” she says, “the Clark Gable robe has reappeared.” He had been going for an old Hollywood smoking jacket look with the costume, had grown a mustache and held a pipe.
He models it. “I think I’ll enjoy my breakfast in it.” His chest underneath looks solid. He is the most solid person she knows. Once, when they were dating, he pushed her car, the transmission dead, down the street to a safe spot.
“You should wear the robe to work.” She looks back at him once more. She can’t help it. She tries to memorize him.
Greg splashing hot water on his face. Greg’s hand gripping the razor, his other hand in a fist as though he could beat up anything. Greg with his hazel eyes, Wizard lying on the bathroom floor looking up at him.
She touches her daughter’s door and is gripped by something aching and slow. Turning the knob, she hears the sound of the humidifier. Addie is so perfect, lying there next to her worn stuffed penguin, her arm slung off the side of the mattress, her Pottery Barn Kids sheet with the parakeets. Freddie should turn off the humidifier, which usually wakes Addie. She should raise the shade. She steps closer to her beautiful girl, her eyelashes so long and still. Freddie cannot bear this, she thinks. Greg, she thinks. She bends down to kiss Addie’s head, backs up, and leaves the room.
From across the hall, Greg raises his eyebrows when she returns Addie-less. “I don’t think she needs to go,” she says.
“She has school,” he says. “She has art today. She loves art.”
“I know.” Freddie clears her throat. “But she’s sleeping so nicely… I’m not going in either.” She wiggles her toes in her slippers and looks him in the eyes. “Let’s all be together.” She wants to put her head on his shoulder and weep, but he would hate that.
Greg dries his hands on the white towel. He touches a spot of blood on his neck, a shaving nick. “I have work,” he says, and walks past her. “We didn’t plan this.”
Plan? Does he want to talk about plans, really?
She stays in the hallway and watches him walk down the stairs. She thinks of the small pajama shirt folded on the kitchen table.
She notices the clean line of his neck, how square his shoulders are. She notices his black robe, the way it bounces as he walks. He has to step over the cat, which lies on the middle step. She thinks he shakes his head briefly as he lifts his knee and clears the cat. And then she notices with the last few steps that he holds on to the railing more tightly than he ever has. As if he’s bracing himself for something. As if he looks out the window and sees rain.
2. The Best Applicant
He has come to appreciate gray. Most of the offices at Garroway & Associates are some form of gray: gray tweed chairs in the lobby, gray seagrass wallpaper, swathes of gray carpeting, men and women in gray suits, gray computer monitors, and grayish paintings with orange sunsets. Greg Tyler likes the fog-and-steel feeling the whole place gives him.
In the hallways, light jazz music plays from the satellite radio station, and once in a while, Greg thinks how lucky he is. This is the kind of place he always dreamed about working in when he took finance and marketing courses at BU, and here he is in this office with a view of downtown Wharton. It overlooks the statue with the wishing fountain, the Regent Theater, the big solid Wharton Library where his daughter, Addie, likes to take the marble stairs two at a time, and in the distance, trees and the bridge over the Naugatuck River.
When he was in college, he wore a cologne called Gray Flannel, and he almost thinks he rehearsed somehow for this. Didn’t he always know he’d end up here? Didn’t he see himself with this office bigger than most, a polished desk and a phone system that looked like it was designed by NASA? Didn’t he see himself out with clients with a company credit card, going for drinks at Hamilton’s or a long meal at The Dock, where they would pass around spreadsheets and project plans and toast a new merger? Didn’t he see this future even when he drove that Volkswagen with the bumper hanging off, even when at twenty he had to work as a bar runner at Sidecar for eighty-five dollars a week? Didn’t he raise his hand as high as he could in classes and turn in his papers early because he felt somehow he was inevitable? He believed in this future. He knew he would keep pushing, keep staying late, keep accepting projects and paperwork, always smiling, always unruffled, and saying, “You got it” to whoever handed him anything. He thinks of himself then and can’t help smiling. Nervy little shit.
He hands a file to Pamela, who has worked at the same gray desk for almost four decades, more or less. “I’ll get right on this,” she says. She wears bright lipstick and a starched blazer. He wonders if he will be able to say he did anything for forty years, have a job that long, a life that long.
He will turn forty in four months. That is, he should turn forty. Four months has turned into a century, it seems. He can’t even think about four weeks. Four m
onths would take him to February. He hopes to be shoveling snow. He hopes to see Addie in her hat and mittens, their dog bounding in newly fallen flakes. His driver’s license has to be renewed then, too. He wants all these things. He wants February so badly.
He tries to keep his feet over the pattern divots in the carpet because every so often he feels as though he could swerve, that dim sensation gripping him. So he puts one black shoe down and then the other and tries to look like he’s calm. He is one of the VPs here, and he does not have to hurry. Perception is reality, right? No one knows anything except his boss, Alex Lionel, and Greg has barely missed a half day since the diagnosis last week.
In August, after a routine blood test, they called him in, said they were concerned, said it was in the precancer or smoldering stage, and it might not progress any further. He hated both terms: precancer reminding him of prealgebra, and smoldering reminding him of a cheap romance novel.
They told him back then a round of experimental drugs might keep it at bay, keep it from becoming anything. But last week, he and Freddie got the bad news: it wasn’t at bay, it was no longer pre-, it was more than smoldering. He will always remember that date, October 17, as the day his life was upended. The ticktock diagnosis, he calls it in his head. If he’s not lucky, it’s tick-fucking-tock.
But he can still do an hour at the gym after work most nights, and he swings Addie around when they’re playing the space ejector game, and except for his wife’s pitying looks and her “Now can we start addressing this?” prods, he’s holding his own. Sometimes in a whisper, in a quick hiss, he hears the name of his disease rush through his head: multiple myeloma. Cancer of the plasma cells. He hates the name: the double m’s, the way some hospital staff members trip over the pronunciation. He hates his plasma cells that failed him. He hates that his disease is mostly unknown—it could be like anemia or high blood pressure for all anyone knows. None of the serious name recognition of brain cancer or heart disease.