by Matt Haig
Barney helped me when he was being bullied by Gavin, so not all humans can be all bad. And if Mum’s lying about that, she might be lying about other things …
Plus, added to this thought was something else we should consider. Maurice was a good cat, as most cats are, and he didn’t like any kind of bully. After all, he had lived with one before – did he want to live with another, even if that bully was, technically, his mum? But if his mum truly loved him, why did she want him to be something other than his true self? These questions worked like keys, opening up Maurice’s mind, letting the wish that Barney was wishing shoot right in and make itself comfortable.
At the same time Miss Whipmire felt the increasing weight on her left shoulder and knew what was happening. She called over to Pumpkin.
‘I need help! Move. Help me! … That’s Barney’s father! There’s no such thing as a Terrorcat, you idiotic swiper!’
‘There is,’ said Barney’s dad. ‘Oh, there very much is. Come one paw closer and you’ll see.’
But it didn’t matter if there was or there wasn’t a Terrorcat. What mattered was what Pumpkin and the others had just heard.
‘To be a cat is to be nothing?’ Pumpkin hissed in disgust. ‘That’s a lie, that is. To be a cat is to be happy in your own fur. You was a no-good cat if you ever thought that! You can shove yer woofin’ sardines in lemon-infused olive oil! I’m not working for such a low-life any more. I’m not a fireside. I’ve got principles! Come on, swipers, let’s keep our dignity.’
And Pumpkin and Lyka and the rest of his gang strolled away, causing Miss Whipmire to become angrier than she’d ever been in her life. And the anger kept rising as she looked at her son out on the pavement, his face starting to get hairy.
His back beginning to hunch.
His ears sharpening.
His tail pushing through his shirt.
The anger gave Miss Whipmire strength. She freed her arm from the grip of Rissa and Barney’s mum, who went flying onto the carpet. Then she kicked her leg, sending a winded Guster rolling back to the base of the stairs.
But all the time Barney was transforming too. He heard his dad encouraging him. ‘She’s wrong, son. The apple’s fallen far from the tree. You’re not me. Your mind’s stronger than mine ever was … You can do it. You can do it, Barney.’ And Barney could feel it, the change branching through his body. Even though right now he was still much closer to cat than human, and it was all too easy for Miss Whipmire to do what she did next. Namely, whack him down against the wooden chest in the hallway and press her thumb into his neck.
As she did so, Barney felt a pain beyond anything to which the name of pain is given. She pressed down in the right spot. Right on a nerve. He could hardly breathe. But he could still hear his head teacher’s voice talking to her son.
‘Well, Maurice, I’m going to stop this right now. In about five seconds, there’ll be no Barney Willow. You’ll be Barney Willow. A human for ever! Don’t you see? I only want what’s best for you.’
‘No,’ Maurice said, ‘I don’t see. Sorry, Mum, but I don’t.’
The truth was, Maurice wanted to be a cat again, especially as now he knew he wouldn’t have to live with Gavin, and his mother’s words were only accelerating the change.
He fell forward, onto all fours, and shrank inside Barney’s clothes.
Barney, meanwhile, was discovering you could wish through pain and that, indeed, pain is the wind in a wish’s sails. And he wished so impossibly hard to be a human, to be himself, to be Barney Willow again, that the wooden chest shook beneath him, and his patch switched eyes, and the world became more vivid and alive, and he could feel his legs stretch and bend off the edge of the wooden chest. He felt dizzy, but he was still aware that his arms too were becoming human, losing their hair, gaining elbows, freckles. And, as his paws started to grow fingers, he grabbed Miss Whipmire’s wrists and joined with his mum, his best friend, his dog – and even his cat-father, swiping her ankles – in wrestling her away from his increasingly human self.
In fact, Barney was so completely back inside his own body that when the police car arrived outside their house – the police car Sheila at number 33 had just called for – the policeman inside saw nothing except a psychotic head teacher trying to strangle a twelve-year-old boy wearing no clothes.
And no matter what the circumstances, that never looks particularly good.
The (Almost Completely) Happy Ending
MISS WHIPMIRE WAS ESCORTED to the police car as Rissa rescued Barney’s clothes and Maurice the cat from the pavement.
Barney felt a bit embarrassed but Rissa promised to look away as he took the clothes and hurriedly carried them upstairs to his bedroom. His bedroom. His clothes.
The policemen had questions, obviously, but Barney just told them the truth, or a slice of the truth. That is, that Miss Whipmire was a bully who wanted to kill him for some reason.
Meanwhile, Miss Whipmire just sat miserable and handcuffed in the back of the police car, wishing, for the first time since her transformation, that she was a cat again. But it didn’t matter how strongly she wished it, as the only cat she could now become was a pen pot, so Miss Whipmire had to stay human and would be locked away for a very long time.
As for Maurice, well, he found a new home. The Fairweathers wanted a cat, and Maurice fit the bill perfectly. Rissa and her parents kept him warm, fed him delicious carrot cake, and wrote a brilliant song about him called ‘Maurice, the Cat Who Wanted to Be a Cat’. (OK, it wasn’t that brilliant, but Maurice liked it very much, and even tried to miaow along to the chorus.)
Oh, and let’s not forget Barney’s dad. Well, the former plant salesman stayed a cat. I know, that’s a bit sad. But that’s what life is like sometimes. It has bits of sadness in it, splinters in the happiness. And Barney’s life was no different.
He’d have liked his dad to be human again. Of course he would. But the most important thing was that he had his dad back. And living with them too, downstairs in his very own basket, chatting away to Guster. But still making a daily visit to the old lady on Friary Road who had looked after him so well, and still liked to spoil him.
And also, the really interesting thing was that now Barney’s mum and dad got on better than ever before, and Neil Willow loved eating the apple and blackberry crumble she made for him every night. Plus, he loved spending time in the garden, sniffing the flowers he’d once planted, and the ones Barney and his mum planted for him. Daffodils, bluebells, geraniums.
Petra and Petula kept on pursuing the nice former cat who was in Mr Willow’s body, and eventually made the front page of the Blandford Gazette with their highly praised article which had the headline: CATTERY OWNER EATS CAT FOOD AND SLEEPS IN BASKET!
Barney’s school life also underwent a great improvement.
Gavin was now too busy being laughed at by his former friends to do any bullying of his own. And, although Gavin’s mum was a bit upset that her cat never came back, she decided to get a new one. Not until Florence was old enough to appreciate it. Which was also why they eventually gave up poor Leonard too, to a dog-loving ex-security guard who lived on their street.
Plus, the new head teacher, Mrs Raffles, turned out to be a very nice woman, and one who thought it was best if Barney’s actual teachers marked his work.
Barney ended up with quite a lot of friends, but through it, Rissa remained his truest and best – even if it was sometimes annoying first thing in the morning to have her lean in close to his face and say, ‘Yep, still you.’
People thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend, and sometimes people would joke about that, but Barney didn’t seem to be bothered if people laughed at him or not. Not any more. He was who he was. Take it or leave it. Anyway, Barney and Rissa were perfectly happy just being friends. Or that’s what Barney was happy to accept. But if there was one thing Barney knew, it was that life doesn’t stay still.
Indeed, two weeks later, Rissa asked Barney to the cinema. She said she
wanted to see a 3D film about alien robots taking over the planet. It didn’t sound very Rissa, so Barney got suspicious.
‘What, on a date?’
Rissa shrugged. ‘Call it what you want, cat-boy.’
And Barney felt that old familiar heat flush his cheeks, almost causing him to wish he had a face full of cat fur to hide it – but he obviously stopped himself wishing too hard.
‘Yes. Course. It will be great. What should I wear? Should I act differently, you know, if it’s a date?’
‘No,’ she said, smiling. ‘I just want you to be you. Barney Willow.’
The evening of the date, as his dad and Guster sat watching proudly from the rug, Barney looked at his reflection in the mirror in his bedroom. His hair might have been a little on the wavy side. And he still had too many freckles, and his ears still stuck out a bit too far – although to be fair he didn’t have old ladies squeezing his cheeks these days. Yet, all put together, the person staring back at Barney was a perfectly average but totally unique boy, full of the thousand hopes and fears that made him human. A boy who had no idea what would happen in his life, or where it would take him. One thing he was sure of was this – he would always try and be himself.
And, as he went downstairs to put on his coat, Barney couldn’t think of anything in the world he’d rather be.
The Bit After the End in Which the Author Has to Have the Last Word
SO, THERE WE are. The happy ending. I love a happy ending. It makes me feel all warm and cosy inside. Like those hot-water bottles you get which have their own woolly covers. Especially when the happy ending is part of a true story.
And yes, this is a true story. The world is full of humans who used to be cats and cats who used to be humans. So, the next time you see a cat looking up at you with those pleading eyes and that strong purr, just remember – it might want to jump into your life, rather than jump onto your lap.
But don’t worry.
You’ll be fine. Look at you. You are brilliant. A human being with – AHEM – incredible taste in books. No wonder all those cats who have wanted to be you have failed. Every day that you wake up as yourself and see that genius in the mirror is another reason to stay happy.
Well done you! No, seriously, well done. Right, I’d better go as I’m a bit sleepy and fancy a nap by the radiator sleep in my bed.
Yours truly,
Cat Matt Haig
About the Author
Matt Haig’s first novel for young readers, Shadow Forest, won the Blue Peter Book of the Year award and the Gold Smarties Award. He is also the author of various adult novels, including the bestsellers The Last Family in England and The Radleys. Reviewers have called his writing ‘totally engrossing’, ‘touching, quirky and macabre’ and ‘so surprising and strange it vaults into a realm of his own’. His books have been translated into 25 languages. He lives in York and assures us he has never, ever been a cat despite the rumours he was once a rather grumpy ginger moggy named Jeffrey.
Also by Matt Haig:
Shadow Forest
(Winner of the Gold Smarties Award and the Blue Peter Book of the Year Award)
The Runaway Troll
For adults:
The Dead Fathers Club
The Last Family in England
The Possession of Mr Cave
The Radleys
TO BE A CAT
AN RHCP DIGITAL EBOOK 978 1 448 12082 6
Published in Great Britain by RHCP Digital,
an imprint of Random House Children’s Publishers UK
A Random House Group Company
This ebook edition published 2012
Copyright © Matt Haig, 2012
Illustrations copyright © Pete Williamson, 2012
First published in Great Britain by The Bodley Head, 2012
The right of Matt Haig to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
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