by Sarah Noffke
“I’ll pass,” Monet said, gesturing to Azure. “Come on, Queeny. We’re going to the pub. I need you to buy me a few drinks.”
Azure eyed the tall glass of water she hadn’t found time to drink and reached for the goblet, thinking she’d at least wet her mouth.
Monet aimed his wand at the goblet and it exploded, drenching the two witches next to it with water. “Oops!” Monet said, not at all sounding remorseful. “Looks like we’d better get a real drink.”
CHAPTER TWO
A large harpy swooped through the air overhead—the Duke of Terran knew better than to venture into the Dark Forest without a bodyguard. In his peripheral vision, Phillip spied the blinking red eyes. He knew that the rogue dryads were lurking in the forest, waiting for a chance to corner him and turn him into a statue for his misdeeds. That was where the stupid forest nymphs were wrong. Yes, under his rule the forest had been depleted, but he saw that as the forest’s problem rather than a problem resulting from the humans of Terran’s overuse. The humans on Earth had figured out how to innovate things so they worked better. The forest needed to learn how to do that too.
The rogue dryads were unwilling to chance apprehending the Duke as long as he had the protection of the harpies, and once he was inside the borders of the Land of Terran he was safe. Stupid woods creatures wanted vengeance, but had no strategy. Their heads had to be filled with termites.
“Hey, you can get off my back now, rogue dryads,” Phillip said, waving a potion bottle in the air. He tipped it and a single droplet splattered on the dead forest ground. As soon as the drop hit, bright green seedlings slipped through the dirt, rising higher and higher until they grew into long ferns, vines, figs, and fast-growing birches. The regrowing potion had been a fruitful investment. Phillip had bargained with the harpies to protect him while he secured the potion from Charmsgood, and all it had cost him was the expense of feeding the large birds. However, because of the Orcs, the birds hadn’t been fed in quite some time. That was the part he’d have to remedy soon. The harpies had to be fed, or the alliance would fail.
Vines grew where moments prior there’d only been barren soil. Phillip extended his hand to a birch sapling. With his sheer will he leeched the energy from the tree, which hadn’t existed moments ago. The power flowed into him, filling his chest with a fresh buzz of energy. The birch tree paled, turning from white to an ashen gray. The wind gusted and the tree was swept away, now nothing but soon-to-decay roots.
Phillip reflected on the forest around him. Soon it would be strong enough to harvest. It was becoming more dangerous for the humans of Terran to venture into the forest to fill their magical reserves, and to find something worth bringing back for harvest wasn’t easy since the forest was barren all around their borders. Venturing too far was a risk, even with the harpies guarding overhead.
“Is it my turn yet?” a woman asked from the shadows.
Phillip had stationed her there, telling her to stay quiet until he’d restored part of the forest and leeched some of it. He lifted his head and regarded the woman, who wore a mink stole and camouflage pants—both garments that were depicted in advertisements from Earth.
“Yes, Mary. It’s your turn.” Phillip waved the woman forward. “I need you to stand right here first, though.”
“But why?” the woman asked.
“Because the only way the harpies will protect you is if they meet you first,” Phillip said, shaking his head at her like this should be obvious.
“Oh, of course. I’m happy to meet them if they’ll keep me safe,” the woman chirped with a loud laugh.
“They’ll keep you safe, all right.” Phillip flipped up the collar of his trench coat and changed places with Mary.
She raised her head to the sky, where the large winged beasts soared. “They are quite scary, aren’t they? And those faces! They’re like women, but without any beauty.”
“Yes, they are quite strange-looking, but some might call that beauty in itself. I know I recognize them as lovely.” Phillip took another step backward, now completely covered by shadows. “She’s all yours.”
A screech resounded overhead. A harpy flapped her wings, staring down at the human with her black eyes. The others rose higher in the air, circling around the single harpy. The low-altitude harpy’s striped feathers vibrated as the half-vulture, half-woman took in large breaths.
“What’s it doing?” Mary asked, her voice suddenly frantic.
“She’s preparing to hunt,” Phillip said from the shadows.
“What!” Mary spun on her toes and sprinted for the trees far in the distance.
The harpy dove, rocketing toward the ground with an ear-splitting howl. Mary dropped to the forest floor, covering the back of her head with her arms. The harpy’s claws hovered just over the woman’s shoulders before clamping around her arms.
“No!” Mary yelled, kicking as the harpy lifted her into the air. “Phillip! How could you?”
Phillip turned, putting his back to the abduction. He’d need to quickly erase it from his mind. The harpies had to be fed, and since he didn’t have a witch or wizard to offer he had to sacrifice his own people. This was what a great leader did. They made the hard decisions. They spared the many by using the few. This was something that Emperor Frederick wouldn’t ever be taught to do. This is what I was born to do, he thought. The harpy’s screams faded as she drifted farther into the Dark Forest.
CHAPTER THREE
“Would you like something to eat, Queen Azure?” Trixie asked, her wand in one hand and notepad in the other.
“Just a pitcher of ale,” Monet answered. “We are setting off on a long and hard expedition bright and early tomorrow. Can’t have your mashed peas and roast duck giving us stomach cramps while we’re hiking.”
Trixie tossed her long silver hair over her shoulder and peered down her nose at Azure. “I only tolerate him because of you.”
“Thanks, Trixie. I must have been cursed by a centaur, because I’m not at all sure why I tolerate him,” she said.
Trixie nodded and spun, headed for the bar.
“Because I’m brilliantly charming and seductively handsome.” Monet leaned his head on Azure’s shoulder.
“I can guarantee that your charm doesn’t work on me, and you’re about as handsome as a disfigured sea dinosaur born to runt parents.”
“Oh—you’re in denial. I get it. So what is your type? Because I’m willing to become that to earn my rightful place as king,” Monet said.
Azure shivered, her face grimacing like she was going to be sick. “If there was anything in my stomach, it would spill out of me right now.”
“Are you into the Light Elf? Maybe the gnome has gotten your attention with his orange hair and incessant use of titles?” Monet sank low in the booth, bowing over as he did. “Queen Azure, will you have a ladder brought so I can more easily kiss your ass?” His voice was low like Gillian’s and his eyes were soft, like he was pouting.
Trixie trotted over and slid a pitcher of ale onto the table. She deposited two cloudy mugs in front of Azure and Monet. “Enjoy, Queen Azure.”
“What about me? Don’t you want me to enjoy?” Monet asked, offense in his voice.
“No. I’ve poisoned your mug.” Trixie cast a disgusted look over her shoulder as she sped back to the bar.
Monet switched the mugs before filling them to the brim.
“You know, I actually could use something to eat. I haven’t had a single morsel of food all day,” Azure said, raising the beer mug to her mouth. The foam met her lips.
Monet waved her off. “I’m doing you a favor. You don’t want to be a fat queen.”
“At this point I’m a starving one.”
“Oh, you’re so fucking dramatic. Here.” Monet reached into his robes and dropped a fun-sized bag of Cheetos onto the table. “Consider that my coronation present.”
“Wow. I’m simply overwhelmed by your generosity.” Her voice was devoid of any emotion.
“Fine, be ungrateful, but I’m doing you a favor. You can drink at the Ghoul’s Tavern, but don’t eat here. Trust me. The last time I had the shepherd’s pie I couldn’t sit for a week.”
Azure took a long sip of her beer, enjoying the refreshment. “You ever consider that you offer a few too many details sometimes?”
“Nope.” Monet grabbed the bag of Cheetos and pulled it open. “Can you believe it? We’ve finally made it. You’ve become a lovely figurehead the people pretend to follow, knowing that I’m the one who is actually in charge. I’m sure all the witches and wizards finally sleep comfortably in their beds now. Glory be to me.”
“Yeah, we’ve made it and it’s fucking fun fretting over Virgo and trying to protect the people from Terran,” Azure said, draining the rest of the mug. A loud burp rocketed out of her mouth.
Several patrons turned and stared at the pair in the corner, their faces going slack.
Monet’s eyes widened with shock. “Merlin’s beard! You’re so fucking embarrassing.”
“It’s true,” Azure said, stealing the bag of Cheetos from Monet and popping one of them into her mouth. She mechanically chewed, not really tasting the so-called food.
Monet lifted the pitcher and refilled Azure’s mug. He regarded her with a sideways stare before settling back into the booth with a petulant expression on his face.
“What?” Azure finally asked, eying her fingertips, which were covered in orange dust.
He crossed his arms and swung his shoulders in the opposite direction. “Nothing,” he sing-songed, trying to make his voice sound affected.
“Monet Whatever-your-middle-name-is Torrance, what has your panties in a wad?”
He stared at the far wall as he shook his head adamantly. “It’s nothing.” There were mock tears in his voice.
“Come now, tell the queen what has you suddenly upset.”
Monet swung around, his face bright. “Well, since you won’t let it go… I, Monet Bailey Torrance the Second, want to know why I haven’t been offered residence in the House of Enchanted. The gnome and the Light Elf get rooms in the East Wing, but I have to tend to my own fire every night in my tiny and gross cottage like a commoner. And do you want to know who cleans my clothes?”
Azure blinked at him; the alcohol had made her head lighten. “I’m going to guess that it’s you…” Her voice was unsure.
“No, fuck that. I’m not a peasant. I pay that crazy witch Rikki to do it. However, why should I have to do that when the House of Enchanted could be taking care of all these things for me? I’m Chief-of-Staff.” Monet pressed his hand to his chest proudly.
“You want to live at the House of Enchanted?” Azure asked.
“Technically I want to rule from the House of Enchanted, but I can’t do that until I poison you,” Monet said, waving at her dismissively. “You don’t need to overwhelm your blue head with those details. But yes, for now I want all the perks that go with living in that well-oiled machine of a house.”
It was true that Monet, in his short time as Chief-of-Staff, had made changes that were already streamlining processes. He had a mind for the job, as Azure had instinctively known. Most thought he was a drunk jerk but that was a part of the ruse. Secretly the wizard strategically processed and catalogued everything he witnessed, which was one reason he had the holistic mind for potion making. Having him around the House of Enchanted full-time could be beneficial, Azure considered.
“Monet, there’s little privacy at the House of Enchanted. Most of the rooms are haunted. There’s a strange draft in the hallways. And Gran pretty much can charm any lock to open, meaning no one has any privacy.”
“Sounds fantastic!” Monet rubbed his hands together. “When do I move in? I want the largest room, even if that means you have to move out of your chamber.”
Azure didn’t say anything, only regarded him with a long cold stare.
“Hey, you were born into your role. I earned mine. And besides, I’m giving away the best years of my life to serve the people of Virgo.” Monet took another long sip of his beer.
“Fine, you can move in, but if you piss me off I’ll make your room the maternity ward for all the cats.” Azure leaned forward as she delivered her threat, her nose close to Monet’s.
He smiled. “It’s because you say shit like that that I know you’ll make a fine queen.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Azure’s stomach howled with such a tenacious force she thought it would tear her in two. She laced up her boots, rising to a standing a position.
“Okay, little tummy. Sorry I’ve neglected you,” she said to herself. She strode through her new chamber, leaving the double doors to her bedroom open. Perfect, she thought as her eyes landed on the fresh bread and jam lying on a silver tray in the sitting room. She plucked the toast off the tray, her mouth opened wide to bite.
“Oh, hell no!” a voice called from the entrance to her chamber. The toast flew from her hand and slammed against the far wall. Azure froze and lifted her eyes to find Gran standing in the entryway. The queen mother had her wand pointed at her. She was still wearing her dressing gown. Azure lowered her arm and shook her head at the old witch.
“Did your crystal ball tell you to intervene because I was just about to obtain nourishment?” Azure asked, staring longingly at the other piece of toast on the tray.
“Pretty much, and it’s a good thing.” Gran scrambled over, grabbing Azure by the wrist and hauling her to the scrying bowl in the corner. “I was up consulting the phases of the full moons last night, as I’m sure you were too.”
“You know me so well,” Azure said, a laugh in her voice.
“Well, it told me to check randomly on a few residents of the Kingdom. You won’t believe what I found.”
“That every single one of them doesn’t like a batty old witch spying on them when they’re in their pajamas?” Azure asked with mock curiosity.
“No, but good guess. Check it out for yourself.” The queen mother stirred the liquid in the scrying bowl with her wand, muttering an incantation as she did. An image of Finnegan, the Chief of Husbandry, sat before the hearth of his fireplace. A fairy stood on either side of him.
“Try again,” Navi commanded.
Finnegan held up his wand, pointing it at a tea cup. A spark sprang from his wand and wrapped the teacup in light before it transformed into a mouse, which quickly scurried off.
“That was an improvement. It configured,” Luna said, smiling at the wizard.
He shook his head. “I was trying to transfigure it into a raccoon.”
“Oh, then that is a problem,” Navi said, shaking her head.
“My magic… What’s wrong with it?” Finnegan pulled at his wiry turquoise hair, his eyes distraught.
“I told you something was wrong with the well water,” Luna sang, her voice teasing.
“Not now, Luna. He’s upset,” Navi said, snapping at the other fairy.
Gran stepped back, shaking her head at the bowl. “I scried a dozen witches and wizards around Virgo, and it was all the same.” She turned, her lavender eyes unusually serious. “I’m afraid that virus Emeri contracted in the Land of Terran has come to Virgo.”
“But how?” Azure asked, but already knew the answer. Luna had said something about the well. Her eyes widened with alarm. “The water! It’s been infected!”
Sari nodded. “It would appear so. Right now the effects are minimal, but soon it’ll take over and steal magic from all witches and wizards in Virgo.”
Azure rushed forward clapping her hands on her Gran’s arms. “Have you drunk any well water?”
Gran pursed her lips. “Dear Azure, I quit drinking from our well long ago. I only drink my elixirs anymore.”
“Because that’s not paranoia at its peak.” Azure shook her head. Suddenly she was grateful for the hunger in her stomach and the night of drinking ale with Monet. He’d warned her not to eat at the pub, and she wasn’t infected by the virus because of that advice. “Okay, first
we need to stop everyone from using the water source. Then I need to purify our wells.”
“You’re the only one who can sanitize the water, so leave it to me to stop people in Virgo from drinking from the wells.”
“How are you going to do that?” Azure asked, catching the sneaky grin on Gran’s face.
“Easy. Witches and wizards can’t use water if they’re asleep. I’ve been looking for an opportunity to use this new sleeping enchantment I created.” Gran strolled to her grimoire, which was sitting on its stand. The old book was bound in worn leather and the spine was six inches thick. She flipped it open and ran her finger over a spell; apparently it had opened to exactly the page she was looking for.
“How are you going to put everyone in Virgo to sleep?” Azure asked, stepping forward and peering over her gran’s shoulder.
The old woman waved her hand, muttering to herself. “Teritorijalni sna.”
“Gran…” Azure’s voice was cautious. She didn’t doubt that the woman before her could make a few thousand people sleep. Actually, it scared her slightly to think that the old woman had the charm and had been looking for a chance to use it.
“Yes, Azure?” Gran turned, regarding her like they were discussing meal options. “I created a spell that targets Virgoans, so if there are any witches and wizards outside our borders, they will unfortunately fall asleep too.”
Azure nodded, backing up as she stared at the strange witch before her. “I’m grateful that you use your powers for good.”
“Yes, I mostly do,” Sari said, turning back around and reading from her grimoire again.
“I’m going to ignore that you said that out loud. Now, what if the Virgoans you spelled are sailing a boat, or bathing, or eating soup?” Azure said, horror in her voice.
Sari laughed, shaking her head of lavender hair. “Don’t be absurd. Virgoans hardly ever bathe.”
“Okay, well, I guess we’re choosing the lesser of the two evils here. Save a majority, but lose a sailor or two.”