by Azhar Amien
Chapter 20: Downpour
Rain. It fell as though it were the wrath of God. A divine punishment for all the pain. No. Perhaps it was the mourning. It had finally come. The tears for the dead. It was a torrential downpour that descended upon the world, washing away all the blood, dirt and sin. I felt like a prisoner. The handcuffs were gone, yet the shackles remained. I lifelessly watched the scenery pass by. I lulled in a stupor. I felt at an end.
I was in the back seat of Desmond and Hale’s four by four. The two men had not spoken much since they had revealed their supposed truth to me. I did not trust them. I did not know whether I could believe anything that they had told me. Yet, they had said that they were taking me to see my little girl. I had felt nothing at the time. I had long given up on my delusion. Yet now, I felt something. I had a nervousness inside of me. Like the first time I had taken Nicole out on a date. It wasn’t a comforting feeling. It was the feeling that I wasn’t ready to face an angel.
“You know they’re still talking about you, Jack. Have you been watching the news lately?” Desmond said with his never-ending smile, breaking the silence.
“To revere or condemn you? They are conflicted,” Hale offered.
“I try not to think about it,” I said.
“It’s a long drive, Jack. Got any questions you need answering? Or how about we play a game? You know, one of those corny road trip ones to pass the time. It will be like bonding.”
“I just have one,” I replied.
“We will answer if we are able,” Hale said.
“Just the one? That will do I guess. Alright then. Fire away.”
“Do you know anything about Sarah? What happened to her after...”
“Worrying about your girlfriend are we? That’s real sweet, all things considered.”
“Have some respect,” Hale said.
“Right, sorry. Last we heard she’s kind of in a royal mess. You know, with you getting away and all that, and her emotions clouding her judgment and whatever else they’re trying to lay onto her. I’ll level with you. It’s not looking good. I don’t mean to sound cruel, or be a dick here, but I am so that’s unfortunately how it comes out. Look, they needed someone to blame and she’s a start. Truth be told you ruined her life.”
The pain did not even surface. I had nothing left to give.
“I know.”
“You must accept responsibility. We have had to for our sins.”
“There’s a hell of a lot of those,” Desmond laughed.
I looked back out of the window. I could barely see anything. The rain hid the world. I got lost in the downpour. My mind drifted. I thought of everything that I had done. All that I had sacrificed. I could not believe that it had only been a little over two months give or take since my family’s passing. I did not know the exact amount of time. It could have been longer. I didn’t even know what day it was. I just existed. The trivialities of life had long been left behind. I could no longer resonate with the world out there. I was a soulless man.
I thought that I should have felt liberation. Happiness even. I was being taken to my daughter. But I could not bring myself to breathe. After all the pain and sorrow I truly had nothing left. It wasn’t that it felt surreal. It was that I had simply lost the will to truly hope. I did not know why, but I was already preparing myself to die. I was already preparing myself for the inevitability that Desmond and Hale were lying. That they were not taking me to my daughter, but to a grave. But that was not what made it unbearable. I could deal with the uncertainty. What troubled me was that I just did not have any response to the possibility. If I was to die, I did not care. If they were lying I would kill them. I had the gun. It really was that simple. There was no emotional response. There was not even rationality. It was just what needed to be done.
With a grim detachment, I wondered if I would ever feel again. I wondered if I’d always be a shell. So many people wanted quick fixes. They want their problems to disappear. They wanted one singular event or one person to take away all of their pain for them, rather than face it themselves. Now I finally understood why that was. Dealing with all of the pain and the sorrow ate away at your soul. It chipped away at the sculpture that gave you form until it was cracked and ruined. The pain and the sorrow awakened you to the truth of what you were. It told you that you were not worthy. It told you that you were without hope. I realised then. It was why we escaped. Pain and sorrow were burdens that even the strongest of men succumbed to. They were poisons that attacked the soul. And it was too late for me.
“Say Jack,” Desmond interrupted my thoughts.
I couldn’t elicit a response.
“I uh...look I just wanted to thank you, okay? I know you went through hell. But you did us a favour. You did all of us a favour. Especially when you put that bastard Cornero down.”
“That was pleasant,” Hale said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Let’s just say it was more than personal. For both of us.”
“You have our gratitude.”
I said nothing then. The minutes passed. Desmond accelerated, muttering under his breath about traffic. Hale told him that it was unwise to drive like he was in unfavourable conditions. Desmond acknowledged it and slowed down measurably. I watched the two of them. I tried to imagine, if what they said was true, five years of living a lie among monsters. I could not. They knew the mob in a way that no one else would. They knew the men who stood on the city’s shoulders and laughed. I could not fathom what it had done to them. After everything I had been through, I no longer had any remnant of my former self. Yet Desmond and Hale remained efficient. Was it as simple as the fact that they had nothing left to lose? That their humanity was gone?
I tried to find what still made them human. I did not see any rings or pendants of any kind on them. Neither of them ever spoke of family or of friends. Neither of them parted with a single detail of their lives through their words. They were ghosts. I knew nothing about them. They gave away nothing. I tried to imagine what kind of people they had been five years ago. Desmond had hinted that he used to be like me. Maybe that was it. Five years ago they had just been ordinary men. They had had hopes and dreams. But the city had taken more than just their lives. It had taken their souls. Just like it had done to me.
I observed the two of them as they interacted. They were in perfect sync with each other. It was not affection or even brotherhood. It appeared to be a mutual understanding. I could not see the two of them as friends. Yet at the same time, I could picture one putting his life on the line for the sake of the other. I could see the contradiction. But neither men were attached. Neither men held onto their humanity. Perhaps their relationship was something akin to soldiers in a war. The final two still standing. Did that make me the third? My mind travelled in circles. I could not understand Desmond and Hale. I did not believe I ever would. Did they see me the same way? My motive had always been simple. My reason had always been constant. Yet, Hale had said that it was impossible to believe what I had done. I leaned against the window. I did not dwell on the things that I’d done. My mind blocked most of it out, as though it was all nothing more than the ebbing seconds of a nightmare stored in memory after being awoken.
“Jack, I hate to be a buzz kill here, but there is something we need to discuss.”
I did not react.
“He is correct. This is of the utmost importance.”
I piped up a loose interest then, “What?”
“You do realise that you’re going to have to leave this city?”
I had not thought about it. But it was an obvious fact.
“The entire city knows your face,” Hale said.
“And what you’ve done, friend. The cops want you in a cell yesterday. The shrinks want you eating through a straw while posing for the cameras. The politicians want to use you to get publicity on their campaigns against mob violence. The fanatics will hold you up as a leader and try, with obvious failure
, to follow in your footsteps. And as for the media, well, fuck them.”
“You will need to move on,” Hale finished.
I considered it.
“Where do I go?”
“Uh, the world’s your oyster?”
“There are many possibilities.”
I looked away. Desmond peered up at the rear view mirror.
“Don’t look so down, Jack. We got your back. We’ll think of something.”
“Do not nurture false optimism. It will be difficult.”
“But doable. Even in this day and age there are still ways to slip through the cracks.”
The talking ended. I drifted once more. And the seconds of silence allowed my mind to work. A truth struck me then, instantaneous and vicious, as though the devil was dissatisfied with my apathetic response to pain. How could I ever be a father now? What was I supposed to do once I was reunited with my daughter? The father she knew me as, the man I once used to be, was gone. I felt nauseous. I felt the sorrow finally rise up and take hold of my bones. Jess needed love. She needed laughter. She needed magic. All of those gifts rested in ashes. They were nothing more than a part of the dirt. I acknowledged the cruel sense of irony then. I had always wanted to get my daughter out of the city. And now I was forced to leave, yet without the hope of something better.
I thought of a more horrifying possibility then. Did my daughter know? Had she heard the whispers? Did she know what her father had become? And if she did not, what would she think of me when she discovered the truth? I only had one thing left to ask. I could only agonisingly believe that everything I had done had not been for nothing, and hang onto that with all that I had left. If there was a God out there, I wished that he would grant me that one mercy.
“Here’s our stop, Jack.”
I looked ahead.
“She’s right in there.”
Desmond was pointing to a small cabin in the clearing ahead. It was a clean white with a grey roof. On the right of the door was a swing seat. We had travelled a far distance. I did not recognise the place. I did not know where I was. I had not even paid any attention to where we had been driving. I climbed out of the car. The place was strangely peaceful. There was a tranquillity surrounding it. It was as though it was untouched by the horrors of the ground that it rested upon. Miraculously, it had managed to hold onto its beauty.
I did not know why that made me feel a thread of hope.
I tried to take a step forward. But I could not. I had nothing left. I could not even form words or thoughts. It had to be some trick. A grand delusion, and I had finally walked to the centre of the stage. I expected, at any second, the lights, the curtains, and the applause. Everyone would be laughing. I would be the fool. One more cruelty before I could enter my grave. But nothing came. Desmond moved towards the cabin and unlocked the door. He pushed it open and a warm, gentle light greeted me.
“Jack, I should warn you.”
I forced myself to look away from the white cabin to meet Hale’s dead eyes.
“Do not be alarmed when you see her.”
My heart took the strike, and the ashes fell.
Desmond returned and put a hand on my shoulder.
“Sorry, it slipped my mind. It’s this damn weather, Jack. She’s really sick. Caught something bad. We did the best we could to help, but she needs you now. She needs her father.”
“You have earned this. Your daughter is waiting.”
I took the first step.
The path ahead was an eternity. Was it all real? Was it even possible that my daughter could still be alive? I had no reason to believe. I did not want to anymore. The pain was too great a burden to bear. I could not do it. I did not have the strength. I went still.
“Maybe it would be better if we brought her to you. Have a seat over there, Jack,” Desmond said, indicating to the swing seat.
The burden lifted. I could move again. I walked. I reached the swing seat and collapsed onto it. The rain pelted down with an endless vigour, but the trees above shielded me from all but the teardrops. The merciless downpour was made soothing next to the cabin. The seat gently rocked back and forth with my movement. Desmond disappeared inside the cabin. Hale stood upright with his hands crossed in front of him, looking ahead, unaffected by the cold or the rain. I waited, staring into nothing. The cold had seeped into my skin, and it chilled my bones as the wind offered the final touch. I was numb once more. But for some reason I no longer felt the clutches of the demon or the fire of my anger. I felt a calmness. And I knew. This would be a good death. If I was to pass from the world then, if this was where the great deception played its final card, then I wanted it to be in this moment and in this place. I wanted it to be while I still breathed the illusion that I was not condemned. A shiver went down my spine as I saw movement. The next moment Desmond emerged out of the house. In his arms he carried a thick bundle of blankets. I saw small legs sticking out the end.
The world froze. My soul twitched with life.
Seven steps.
That was what separated me from closure. My breath caught.
Six steps.
I was at last going to know the truth.
Four steps.
I closed my eyes. For a single moment I shut out the earth. But I could not bear the darkness. Not anymore. As quickly as I had closed them they were open once again. And I could only wait.
One step.
I was ready. I had to be. Desmond lowered the bundle onto my lap. I took it in my hands. I felt its light weight. For a few seconds then I did not move. There was no turning away from it.
I made myself look.
I saw the most beautiful face that I knew.
The world faded with the wind and the rain.
I held her in my arms for the longest time. Until daylight began to fade. Until the cold became fierce. Until the downpour finally ceased. Until the rain was gentle. There was a stillness in the air, a quiet serenity that returned to me what I had long forgotten: peace. I breathed.
Then I saw movement. A stir. A fluttering of her eyelids.
Jess looked up at me with her wonderful blue eyes.
“Hi daddy.”
And I knew that it was real.
“Oh God...”
I lost myself. Her voice was so soft. Her skin was so pale. If I was trapped in a dream, right then I hoped to die in it.
“Are you okay baby? Did they hurt you?”
“They were so nice to me.”
I was afraid to let go.
“I missed you, daddy.”
I clutched her to me, breaking into sobs. I let it all out. I didn’t even feel her hand touching mine. A moment later she tugged at my collar. I looked down at my angel. A tear fell onto her cheek.
“What did you do to the bad men, daddy?”
I kissed her forehead and ran my hand down her cheek.
“Don’t worry about them, pretty girl. They won’t hurt anyone else ever again. You’re safe now.”
Her eyes showed no relief.
“Did you kill them?”
The question cut me like a knife. I stared in shock, unable to interpret what I had just heard from my daughter’s mouth. But I saw it in her eyes. It was as clear as the rain. The eyes of a child whose innocence had long been lost. The pieces that had begun to rebuild fell apart once again. I knew then that I could not lie to my daughter. Not anymore.
“Yes.”
She smiled. So faint I had almost missed it.
“I’m glad, daddy.”
Her words were a feeble whisper. I was not even sure that I had heard them. I cradled her in my arms, the tears already flowing as I held her close. She went still. I held onto my little girl with what life I had left. I held onto her, afraid that it would all end. I feared each second, afraid that the nightmare hidden within would reveal itself, and destroy what remained, at last having its wish answered. Jess closed her eyes.
“It’s time, Jack. The end of this loathsome road,
” Desmond said.
“Are you ready to leave?” Hale asked.
I stood. I raised my daughter in my arms. I took in her beautiful face.
And my heart began to beat.