by Terri Dixon
Part XXXXII
I seem to smell the stench of appeasement in the air.
-Margaret Thatcher
Morning came all too soon. The snowfall was minimal. Boris and Tania insisted on escorting me to Moscow. I felt bad for involving them in my mess, but they refused to leave me alone. They didn't seem to realize how treacherous it really was to be seen with me. I couldn’t believe it was happening in the first place. It was like a spy novel.
The three of us rode to the train station with Lydia in her Pathfinder. When we reached the platform where our train was, my heart sank. I wanted to see more.
"Thank you so much," I said. "You've done so much for me. You showed me things about my family that I will never forget. You made them human to me. I'm sorry that I've put your family in such a precarious situation. I'll try and make sure that they don't punish you."
“I would not have missed this for the world," she said. "You go to Moscow and give them hell. Remember, you are a Romanov. They should bow to you.” She gave me a big hug and watched as we walked to the train.
I was pulling Tish’s luggage with me when I noticed a man standing by the back of our train. He was wearing a Russian military uniform with a gigantic wool overcoat. Most modern military uniforms included parkas, but Russia stuck with the old ways. I couldn’t be sure from several yards away, but I was pretty sure that he was there for me.
I was angry. I felt so unfairly treated that I couldn’t find the words to describe it, and I still can’t as I’m telling this story. I felt betrayed, which made no sense to me. I felt abused, and I didn’t know why. I had started to believe the myth surrounding me, and felt that I deserved better treatment because I was royal. I didn’t want to feel that way. I was from Indiana. I didn’t want to be a Romanov. I wanted to go home and go to bed. The only thing that I could be certain of was that the trip to Russia had changed me. It was more than just the extreme education I was getting. It was a surge of self esteem. It was the sudden need to stand up and be counted and to fight my own battles. I had an insatiable need to win. I felt as though I couldn’t let a government full of gangsters get the best of me. I wondered how Catherine thought in the days before she took over the country. I wondered what she would think of my choosing not to take over. Would she see me as weak?
I stopped a few yards from the officer and turned to Tania and Boris. They knew that he was there for me. I decided once and for all that I was made of the stuff that Tsars were made of. I could feel it coursing through my veins. In an instant, I decided that I should behave like a royal. I should hold my head high and be proud, like my ancestors had. I was going home, but I was going to do it with every bit as much grace as any member of any royal family had ever shown.
I held my head high and walked straight up to the man in the military uniform. “I’m Catherine. I believe you’re waiting for me.”
I could see immediately that I wasn’t what he was expecting. I refused to be scared. I was mad, and I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing how terrified I was underneath.
“Good morning, Miss Zerbst,” The man replied. “May I help you with your bag?”
I handed him the bag. “I would say that’s the least you could do.”
Tania and Boris caught up with me. They were nervous about being taken into this officer’s custody. The man took all of our bags and handed them to a porter on the train. He told the porter to take our things to our cabins.
I didn’t care anymore. I’d decided that they couldn’t kill me. It would make a political mess that the government couldn’t weather. Knowing that made me bold. I had nothing to lose.
“So, do I just get on the train, or do you have to shackle me?”
The man stepped out of my way and motioned to me to the stairs. I walked into the train followed by Tania and Boris. The military man brought up the rear of the group. The porter our cabin. I had a hunch that I wouldn’t be able to go drinking on this trip. I would be kept from public sight.
I went to my cabin and sat by the window. It was dark out. It was only 10 am. The sun would come up soon, provided that the snow was over. I didn’t know what to expect. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. I felt sick. I wasn’t going to throw up for once, but my stomach was queasy. I hoped that I would be able to eat again after this was over.
Tania joined me in the cabin. Boris went to the cabin next to us. I hoped that the military man would let Boris come and visit with us. I didn’t think that he would, because they probably didn’t want us talking too much amongst ourselves.
Tania and I didn’t say anything. The military man stood outside our cabin door with it open. He didn’t say a word. He stood there as though he were guarding Buckingham Palace instead of two college girls from the United States.
The train pulled out of the station. It was after 11:00 by the time the train left town. The sun was rising for its brief winter day visit. I liked the blue light that bounced off the white snow. I looked forward to it. I had so little to look forward to.
I prayed that they wouldn’t hurt Peter and Steve. I couldn’t bear the thought of having anyone’s blood on my hands, however, I wanted to kill the people who were threatening to kill them. I was changing inside. I had it in me to become a ruler. I was beginning to feel a ruthlessness, a strength, a sense of righteousness, and above all a need for control. It was all there. I never would have believed it. I’d been raised a simple daughter of truck builders. My blood was always royal. I was feeling the blood of my ancestors course through my veins. My mindset was changing.
I couldn’t do anything rash. If I was truly who the people of this country thought I was, I couldn’t do anything stupid. Enough of my ancestors had done stupid things. I had to be smart. I had to do something to free the two men. I couldn’t stay here at the moment. I didn’t know the things that a leader needs to know. I would do more harm than good. I knew people all over the country had been watching the story. Were they were secretly hoping I would just jump up and take over? That wouldn’t be prudent. Blood or no, I had not earned the right. I had to finish the business at hand and go home. I could begin to learn what it takes to rule a country then.
Tania stared silently out the window. The military man looked in the door at us. He watched us, but we didn’t say a word. The last thing that I wanted to do was give the guy a reason to do something bad to yet another person that I’d met on my trip to Russia. My grandma used to say that silence was golden. That sentiment seemed to apply there.
I watched the day go by. It didn’t take long. I wondered what it was like in the summertime, when the sun barely set at night. I’d heard of the white nights. I wondered what that would be like. I was sad that I would never know.
More time passed. We stopped in Tver. Boris could have gotten off the train and gone home, but he didn’t. In a way, I wished that he had. It would have been better for him to go home and be with his family. He could have gone back to work and put the whole mess behind him. I wanted him to, but the train moved on, and Boris stayed.
I looked at the ring that I was going to have to give up. It had belonged to my grandmother, and it proclaimed me a tsar. Tears streamed down my face. I didn’t want to give up the ring. It was more to me than a ring that gave me control over a country. It was the most meaningful thing that I had ever gotten from grandma. I took the hand that the ring was on and stuffed it into my pocket where I wouldn’t have to stare at it. When I put my hand into my pocket, I found something else. I found the other ring.
The Ring of the Queen