by E. L. Todd
Pieces of Me
Book Forty-One of The Forever and Ever Series
E. L. Todd
Chapter One
Silke
Abby and I were playing with her toys on the floor in front of the TV. Her dark hair was getting so long and soon I would need to cut it. A pink bow pinned her hair back slightly, keeping it off her face.
Abby played with her unicorn. “Silke?”
“Yes, sweetheart?” Arsen and I both called her that more often than her real name.
“Is Daddy broken?”
My heart stopped beating as I processed her words. “Broken?”
“Yeah…he’s not the same.” She brushed the pony’s hair with a brush. “He’s different.”
My heart fell into my stomach and I felt sick. “He lost someone he cares about. He’s just having a hard time adjusting.”
“When Mommy left I was really sad. Is Daddy sad?”
“Yeah…” Arsen was a loose cannon and I didn’t know what to do. He was distant with me, and every time he came home he reeked of scotch. He was constantly in a drunken stupor because he couldn’t function when he was sober. I let the charade go on because I assumed he needed to get it out of his system, but it was going on for too long. His behavior was harming his relationship with me, and more importantly, his daughter. “He’ll get through it, Abby.”
“He’s not mad at me?”
My lips formed a frown. “Of course not. Sometimes adults…need to be alone.”
“He’s never home anymore.”
“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Daddy will be back to normal before you know it.”
***
I tucked Abby in for the night then kissed her forehead.
“Daddy used to read to me…”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I can read to you. How about that?”
“Okay…”
I pulled out a book about dinosaurs and read it from cover-to-cover. Abby clung to her stuffed animal until her eyes began to droop. Before the story was finished she fell asleep. I finished the book anyway then watched her. She looked so peaceful, sleeping in the pink bed her father bought for her. I was worried about her. She noticed Arsen’s odd behavior and I just hoped she wouldn’t notice it so well that it would become a memory. I kissed her forehead then left her bedroom.
When I was in the hall, I heard Arsen.
“Motherfucker!” Something crashed to the floor and broke.
I rolled my eyes because I knew it was going to be a terrible night. I walked to the entryway and saw the shattered vase on the ground. Arsen tried cleaning it up with his bare hands then gave up when his fingers were sliced. He walked around it and didn’t even see me standing there.
“Arsen.”
He finally turned my way, and it took him a moment to understand whom I was. “Hey, baby. Had a bit of an accident…” He raised his bloody hands and laughed.
I wanted to slap him as hard as I could. “This behavior has gone on long enough. I’m not putting up with it anymore.”
“Putting up with it?” he asked with a raised eyebrow. He staggered slightly like he couldn’t stand straight. “Last time I checked, you weren’t involved.”
“Exactly.” I got the first-aid kit from the kitchen and started to clean him up. “I understand you’re upset but acting like an ass isn’t going to make you feel better.”
“I’m not an ass.”
“Really?” I challenged. “You’re never home, and when you are home you’re drunk off your ass. Abby needs her father, not a piece of shit loser.”
“Loser?” he asked. “Did a loser buy you this beautiful house? Did a loser give you anything you ever wanted?”
“Materialistic things mean nothing and you know it. I need my partner and Abby needs her father. I’m sorry about what happened with your mom but that doesn’t give you the right to behave like this.”
“You’re sorry about what happened with my mom?” he asked incredulously. “That she died? That I could have saved her but I was too much of a dick to give her a chance? That she really did love me this entire time and I missed having a relationship with the only family member I had left?”
“Arsen, it was more complicated than that and you know it. She did mess up, and she did leave you. Don’t forget that. Don’t put her on a pedestal just because she’s gone.”
Arsen stared at me with a tinted face. Then he suddenly grabbed the crystal bowl on the table and slammed it into the tile, making it crash and break into hundreds of pieces.
I didn’t flinch.
“Don’t sit there and act like you understand when you don’t understand a goddamn thing.”
“Arsen, keep your voice down. Abby—”
“Shut up.” His hands were clenched into fists. “You’ve had the perfect little life with a perfect little family. You have a home, somewhere that keeps you centered. I never had that. You’re spoiled little brat that’s never had a hard day in her life. My mom died, and I could have stopped it. Or I could have spent time with her instead of insulting her left and right. I will carry this regret for as long as I live. You’re too stupid to get it.”
Steam started to blow from my ears. “Get. Over. It.”
His face tinted even more.
“You have a home. You have a family. I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you wanted but being an asshole isn’t going to change the past. It’s going to change the future—the future you have with me. I’m sorry you’re struggling, I really am. But you need to lean on me, not treat me like shit. You need to be real father and take care of your little girl. My sympathy and patience is disappearing with every passing day. Pull yourself together or—”
“Or what?” he challenged.
“I’ll leave you.” I loved Arsen with everything I had but that didn’t mean I would put up with bullshit. He’d been acting this way for weeks and he showed no signs of recovery. If I had to put him in his place, I wouldn’t hesitate. We all lose our way sometimes but that didn’t give us the right to hurt the people who loved us.
“You’ll leave me?” His eyes darkened in anger. “You’ll walk out on me like everyone else?”
“If you keep acting like this, yes.” I held my ground and didn’t back down. “If you don’t want that to happen, you need to stop drinking and start coming home at a reasonable hour. You need to respect me and take care of your daughter. You need to calm the hell down and let everything go.”
His voice came out as a whisper, but it was still deadly. “Let everything go?”
“Yes.”
“You know what? You should leave. This isn’t working for me.”
I knew he didn’t mean that so I didn’t react.
“You should pack your shit and go. I don’t need you anyway.”
“You don’t need me?” It was stupid to mock him but I was too angry to control my tongue.
“No, I don’t need you. You’re an insensitive bitch that doesn’t give a damn about me or how I feel.”
He never cursed at me before or disrespected me in such a profound way. Now he crossed a line, and I wouldn’t be able to hold my tongue. I had a bit of a temper, something I got from my mother. If I didn’t walk away now it would be World War III. Abby would hear everything, and she would definitely remember this night. She would remember her father as a cold and mean person. “I’m going to bed. The couch is all yours.”
“That’s it?” he asked, clearly irritated he wasn’t getting a rise out of me.
“I have better things to do than waste my time with you.”
“You better pack your shit and be gone tomorrow.”
I turned my back on him and headed to the hallway.
“I mean it!”
I kept going until I was in the bedroom I
once shared with him. I locked the door behind me so he couldn’t sneak up on me. Once I reached the bed and sat on the edge, I stared at the wall and tried to concentrate on determining the exact color. Was it gray? Was it charcoal? But my brain wasn’t strong enough to distract me from the pain in my heart.
I pressed my palms to my face and sobbed.
***
I walked into the shop and saw my dad behind the counter. He rang someone up before he handed back his card and receipt. “We’ll do the rest next week. With a tattoo that big you need at least a few sessions.” When the man left the counter, Dad turned his eyes on me. “Hey, kid. What brings you here?”
I forced a smile but it was painful. “I have a long lunch today.” Actually, I called in sick because I was too upset to work at the museum. I’d managed to pull on a fake smile and pretend everything was okay up until that point.
After a few seconds of watching my face, Dad knew there was something wrong. He was unnaturally talented at reading people. It was a gift, and I didn’t know where he got it. “You want to get a burger?”
“Sure.”
Dad hopped over the counter. “Razor, I’ll be gone for about an hour.”
“Whatever you say, boss.” Razor poked his head out of one of the station rooms. Then he waved.
Dad opened the door for me then we walked a few blocks until we reached Mega Shake. Neither one of us actually mentioned the restaurant. We both just knew to go there. After we ordered our food, we sat down in a booth in the corner.
I wasn’t hungry so I just picked at my fries and managed to eat a few.
Dad ate like he always did but he kept his eyes on me, watching me carefully. “I’m listening whenever you’re ready.”
How did he know? “I don’t know where to start…”
“Arsen hasn’t improved?”
“No…he’s gotten worse. He’s not the same person anymore. He comes home every night drunk off his ass. And he breaks things because he’s so pissed off. He’s never there for Abby anymore. And he…says a lot of mean things to me.”
“He’s pushing you away.”
“And succeeding.”
Dad stopped eating. “I talked to him once but I can try again.”
“I think he’s beyond civil conversation. He’s carrying so much guilt and pain. He’s put up a concrete wall all around him. Nothing can break it down. He’s vicious and mean. I threatened to leave and he told me to pack my stuff and go.”
“Did you?”
“No…I’m not sure if he remembered that conversation. He’s been sleeping on the couch and he’s usually gone in the morning before I wake up.”
Dad rested his chin on his knuckles. “Damn, this is bad.”
“Abby even knows there’s something wrong. I keep covering for him in the hope he’ll snap out of it but I don’t think he’s going to.”
Dad sighed. “He’s reverted back to three years ago. All that progress and all that work…is gone.”
“I know.”
Dad pushed his food out of the way. “I can try talking to him again, but sometimes these things just take time.”
“I can’t put up with him much longer.”
Dad studied my face. “Is he hurting you?”
“Every second of every day.” I willed my eyes not to water but I was struggling.
“He doesn’t mean it, Silke. He’s just lashing out.”
“I know but I can’t handle it much longer. I want to comfort him and be there for him but…he won’t let me. Instead of using me as a crutch he uses me as a punching bag. I love him…you know how much I love him. But I refuse to let him treat me like that.”
Dad nodded. “If you don’t see him improving and you’re that unhappy, I think you should leave.”
“Really?” I was surprised he would say that.
“I love Arsen like my own son. I know he’s going through a hard time. I’ve been there. But that’s no excuse to act like this. You’re my daughter and you only deserve the best. If he isn’t it, you need to leave. The only thing he should ever be doing is making you feel happy—nothing less.”
“I do love him but…”
“I know, Silke.” Sympathy was in his eyes. “Talk to him when he’s sober and tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t change, then you need to get out of there. If he wants to destroy his life there’s nothing you can do to stop that.”
“But Abby…”
“She’s my granddaughter. I will take care of her. If he’s really unfit to be a parent right now I’m more than happy to move her in with us. Janice loves that angel.”
“I love her too…I can’t picture her not being in my life.”
“She doesn’t have to leave your life. You can be as involved as you want.”
“She already lost her mother…I’m all she has.”
“I know,” he said with a nod. “But before we jump the gun, talk to him. Give him a chance to apologize. Tell him what will happen if he doesn’t clean up. Don’t threaten him because that will set him off. Just speak to him calmly so he understands the conversation isn’t out of anger. You mean every word.”
I sighed because I wasn’t looking forward to it. “Why did this have to happen…?” My life with Arsen was so perfect before the shit hit the fan. “We were happy.”
Dad’s eyes fell in sadness. “I know, sweetheart. Arsen is still in there somewhere…just out of our reach. People who’ve had traumatic pasts like him are always…a little off. I had a really terrible childhood and it took me a very long time to let it go and be happy.”
Dad never spoke about his past so I didn’t know anything about it. “What happened?”
“Doesn’t matter anymore,” he said. “That’s an old life I never think about. Arsen and I are very much alike. I think that’s why we have a connection that’s so strong. I just hope that’s enough to get him through this.”
I hoped it was enough too.
***
The only time he was sober was when he was at work, so I decided to pay him a visit. I walked into the shop and immediately headed to his office without speaking to Stewart. No one blinked an eye when I did this because they all knew exactly who I was.
Arsen was signing employee checks when I walked inside. He looked up at me, and that usual haze from the alcohol was gone. But he didn’t seem happy to see me either. “What?”
Excuse me? “What?”
“I’m at work. You know I’m busy.”
I was really hoping we would get off on a better foot. “Well, this is the only time you aren’t drunk so I didn’t have much of a choice.”
His eyes darkened but he didn’t coil like he usually did.
I sat in the chair facing his desk.
He stared back at me.
“Arsen, we need to talk.”
“I picked up on that.”
I ignored his sarcasm and didn’t flare up. But it was hard to do. “I’m really worried about you…all the drinking and anger…it scares me.”
He rested his hands in his lap. “I don’t know…the second I leave the shop that’s what I want to do. It’s the only time I don’t think about…other things.”
“Well, you’re taking it out on Abby and I. That’s not fair.”
“I’m sorry my pain is so inconvenient to you.” His voice was full of bitterness.
“It’s not inconvenient,” I whispered. “Let me be there for you. Let’s go away somewhere and take a vacation. Let me hold you and kiss you…I’m here, Arsen. Use me.”
His guard was still up. “You made it clear you don’t understand.”
“I do understand. Just because I haven’t experienced it myself doesn’t mean I don’t get it. And it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care. Believe me, it breaks my heart to see you like that. You’re carrying so much guilt and pain…and you shouldn’t have to. Your mother wouldn’t want you to feel like this. You made your peace with her before it was too late.”
“Too late?” he asked coldly. “
No, it was too late.”
I shouldn’t have said that. “Arsen, don’t punish yourself anymore. You’re a great man with an incredible heart. Your mother loved you and she wouldn’t want you to feel like this.”
“We might know how she might feel if she got the medical attention she needed…but she didn’t.”
We were just going in circles.
“I can never take that back, Silke. You don’t get that.”
I was growing more frustrated with every passing second. “You can never take it back, I get it. But everything is said and done. What now? What’s next? You’re going to keep acting this way because it accomplishes…what, exactly?”
He clenched his jaw in irritation.
“Arsen, I love you so much. You’re the love of my life. I want to marry you and have more children with you…but this behavior needs to stop. I’m always here for you, but you need to let me in. If you don’t…” I swallowed the lump in my throat because I couldn’t believe I was actually going to say it. “I will leave you, Arsen.”
He stared at me blankly, like a concrete wall.
“And I won’t come back. You promised me you wouldn’t hurt me again and that’s why I gave us another chance. But you’re doing the same thing you used to do. We’re right back where we were all those years ago. If I walk away this time, that’s it. I’m not coming back.”
“So, you’re threatening me.”
“No,” I said quickly. “Grieve, cry, and be angry all you want. Just stop the drinking and stop talking to me like I mean nothing to you. Stop scaring Abby. Stop cursing at me and intimidating me. It’s verbal abuse, Arsen. I love you, but I will never allow someone to treat me like that. I don’t care who you are.”
He continued to stare at me, not reacting at all.
“Please don’t call my bluff, Arsen. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be with anyone else. But I can’t stay here if you continue treating me like that. Please don’t give me a reason to walk away.”
He turned his gaze on the desk.
“Please say something.”
He didn’t meet my gaze for several moments. Then he finally looked up at me. “I’ll try. The fact you’re so impatient with me and so harsh hurts me, Silke. But I guess you aren’t giving me a choice.”