by D. Kelly
Broken Beats
An Illusion Series Novel
* * *
D. Kelly
Contents
Cover Page
Books by D. Kelly
Note from Author
Dedication
Prologue
1. Darren
2. Darren
3. Darren
4. Haddie
5. Darren
6. Haddie
7. Darren
8. Haddie
9. Darren
10. Haddie
11. Darren
12. Haddie
13. Darren
14. Darren
15. Haddie
16. Darren
17. Darren
18. Haddie
19. Haddie
20. Darren
Epilogue
Dating Roulette
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Books by D. Kelly
Want More?
Deleted Scene
Noah’s Video
Broken Beats
Copyright © 2019 D. Kelly
Editing by – Tiffany Fox – Beyond DEF
Cover design by – Regina Wamba – Mae I Design and Photography -
Formatting by – Brenda Wright, Formatting Done Wright
Photographer – The Glass Camera
Shawn Lucas and Ryder Stone appear courtesy of Siobhan Davis Copyright ©
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information contact Dee Kelly at www.dkellyauthor.com
This book contains mature subject matter and is not appropriate for minors. Please note this novel contains profanity, sexual situations, and alcohol consumption.
Dee Kelly
P.O. Box 940123
Simi Valley, CA. 93094
ISBN: 978-1-7326394-5-4 (E-book)
Created with Vellum
BOOKS BY D. KELLY
* * *
The Acceptance Series
Breaking Kate – Book One
Catching Kate – Book 1.5
Releasing Kate- Book Two
Loving Kate – Book Three
Christmas with the Houstons – Book Four
* * *
Stand Alone Novels
Chasing Cassidy
Sharing Rylee
The Evolution of Us
The Last Resort Motel – Room 13
Dating Roulette – Pre-order available now – Coming July 9th 2019
* * *
The Illusion Series
Just an Illusion – Side A
Just an Illusion – The B Side
Just an Illusion – EP
Just an Illusion – Unplugged
Just an Illusion – Encore
* * *
Illusion Series Spin Off Novels
Interlude – Jordan’s story
Broken Beats – Darren’s story
TBA – Eli’s story coming fall 2019
* * *
http://www.dkellyauthor.com/all-books
Dear Readers,
* * *
Thank you for purchasing Broken Beats. Darren’s story has been one I’ve wanted to tell for a few years now, and I hope you will all enjoy it. I’d like to take a moment to address new-to-me readers. While this book can be read as a standalone, the story is part of a larger world. There will be many spoilers from previous books, and I strongly advise reading the complete Illusion Series in order. This may not be an issue for some of you, but the choice is yours. If you would like to back up and read the rest of the books, I’ve listed the reading order below:
Just an Illusion – Side A
Just an Illusion – The B Side
Just an Illusion – EP
Just an Illusion – Unplugged
Just an Illusion – Encore
* * *
Illusion Series Spin-off Novels
Interlude – Jordan’s story
Broken Beats – Darren’s story
TBA – Eli’s story (Coming late Summer 2019)
Dedication
For Danielle –
* * *
Thank you for allowing me to ask the questions few people would understand and for giving me the absolute truth. You helped bring an authenticity to this story that I hope everyone will appreciate.
The wound is the place where the light enters you
Rumi
Prologue
Darren
Widower.
I hate that word. I’ve spent my entire life striving not to hate. Not to give anything such immense control over my feelings. Then I think of this one thing, and it fills me with rage. Every. Fucking. Time.
When someone’s spouse dies, they become a widow or a widower. They’ve now been labeled. It sounds unkind, cruel even, but maybe that’s because some people perceive it that way. I’ve seen people flinch when they hear it. Kind people whisper when they say the word out loud knowing it’s a sensitive subject. This one single word carries so much power, and why not? It means one of the worst things in life has happened to you.
Then there are people like me who were never afforded the chance to sign a marriage license and file it with a courthouse. We don’t get a word. Somehow, that makes it worse for me. Do I want to be a widower? Of course not. I want the love of my life back, not heavy with the weight of death and covered in blood like she was the last time I held her. But … if I’m not a widower, what am I? I feel like one. My heart aches like one. I wish my soul mate were still here to share my life, to share our daughter’s life.
Are the vows Belle and I shared under the moonlight any less important than those shared by others who have a legal document for proof of marriage? In the eyes of the law, yes, they are. But in the language of love, hell fucking no.
My best friend Mel is a widow, and she hates the word too. She was with her husband about the same amount of time I was with Belle. With the luck of time on their side—as brief as it was—they had a wedding. Although she’s found her way out of the darkness with the help of her new husband, she’ll always be Noah Weston’s widow.
Do you know what’s fucked up? I consider myself a widower, but I’m not. As much as I hate the word, I wish I had that label. I wish I had the right to say I was Belle’s husband. But I don’t, because ceremonies of the heart don’t carry weight in the real world. When people found out Mel was a widow, they would say things like, “I’m so sorry. What a horrible tragedy to lose your husband so young.” When I say I’ve lost my fiancée, people reply, “That’s a shame, but you’re young, and you’ll love again.” What the fuck? Is it a married-versus-unmarried thing? Or is it a man-versus-woman thing? Are people so old-fashioned they assume a woman should grieve forever? Or do they think men can’t love as deeply and have an easier time moving on?
Loving Belle was what I was born to do. I knew it the night we met. I’d always thought being one of the best drummers in the world was my destiny. I’d have tossed my sticks and never looked back in exchange for Belle’s life. Hell, I’d have swapped buses with her so Cadence would have her mom and I’d never feel this kind of heartache. Belle was so much stronger than me; she’d have found someone else to share her life with, like Mel has.
Unfortunately, I can’t change the past. I spend every day honoring Belle by making the best life possible for Cadence and always putting her before anything else. Some days it’s hard to believe she’s already six. She was only fou
r months old when Belle passed away. Cady is the spitting image of Belle, and when she smiles, my heart fills with love. I’ve done my fair share of fucked-up things in this life, but my little girl is my reward for every good choice I’ve made.
Cadence and Mel’s son Nate are attached at the hip. His dad, Noah, was also killed in the accident that took Belle. Belle had big dreams of the two of them growing up and getting married. It’s not hard to imagine things could play out that way; their bond is already strong.
Our band spent ten years traveling the world on buses and planes, sometimes even trains. We were only two months away from completing our last U.S. tour when the accident happened. I’ve gone over that night a million times in my head. Because Cadence was teething and no one had been getting much sleep, we’d rearranged our sleeping arrangements that night. The guys and I had napped on our bus in the afternoon, and Belle stayed with Mel and Noah on their bus that night so she could catch up on her sleep. It’s the only reason Belle was on a different bus than Cadence and me.
Since then, I’ve put Cadence first and foremost. I don’t date, but I do fuck. I’m not interested in a relationship, not now, and likely not ever. Sometimes, I wonder how Mel was able to move on, but it makes sense when I see her with my best friend Sawyer. The kind of love they have usually comes once in a lifetime, but Mel found it twice. God must have been making amends to her for taking Noah.
Noah was the heart and soul of our band Bastards and Dangerous, and brother to Sawyer, Wyatt, and me. If all of that wasn’t awful enough, the accident stripped away my future. Instead of planning our wedding, I was searching through debris. By the time I found Belle, she was gone. Later, I found out she’d likely died immediately after she was ejected from the bus. There was a lot of blood from where the back of her head hit the ground, but when I scooped her into my arms, she looked like a sleeping princess waiting for her prince to kiss her. I tried … Lord knows I tried. The first responders and our security guard Mac spent nearly an hour coaxing me to put her down. I begged, pleaded, and offered my soul to any higher being who could hear me, but it was no use.
It was the night the air disappeared from my lungs. All of our hopes and dreams were shattered in the blink of an eye. I’ve done my best to move forward. Belle’s motto was “live today, like there’s no tomorrow,” and I try like hell to honor that for her.
Six months ago, I was living a little too much and drinking a bit too hard. I spent almost every weekend at the beach house drowning in Belle’s memories, fucking random girls at the bar, and coming home to drown myself in more alcohol. There was one night I didn’t go out, but I did drink and make a terrible mistake. It was an especially hard day. I’d registered Cadence for kindergarten and pretty much lost my shit.
I made a choice I can’t take back—one I’ve regretted every day since. It’s an irredeemable sin, and it’s going to cost me my best friends. The old Darren would have never done it, and if he would’ve, he’d have confessed immediately. This Darren is scared. I’m a fucking coward but with good reason. I’ve lost more than my share already, and so have my friends. When my secret comes out, we’re all going to lose again because Sawyer will never forgive me.
Things have changed. I’m home more on the weekends. I haven’t had more than three drinks in one day—I was drinking up to three drinks an hour some nights. Overall, my head is on straight. Maybe that’s why random fucks aren’t appealing lately. The loneliness is always right under the surface. I’m constantly surrounded by people, but I’ve never felt more alone. This is life without Belle … and it fucking sucks.
1
Darren
Six months ago
“Daddy! Me and Nate are big kids now!” Cadence and Nate walk side by side with a bounce in their step next to Mel and me. We’ve just finished registering the kids for school and are heading back to our car. Sawyer stayed home with the rest of their kids so it wouldn’t be such a production.
Mel flashes me the look. It’s one we’ve mastered together and share each time our kids hit a new milestone without Noah and Belle.
Mel smiles down at her. “You sure are, Cady. You guys are going to love school.”
She tugs on my hand and I crouch down, giving her my full attention. “Can me and Nate be in the same class?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to go to school if I have to be alone.” Nate crosses his arms and looks at his mom with a thoughtful gaze. He may be five, but he’s an old soul like Noah was.
Mel bends down and looks them both in the eye. “We can’t promise you’ll be in the same class, but we can promise we’ll ask and do our best to make it happen. You guys saw the classrooms. They’re right next door to each other, and they share the same playground. Even if something happens and you’re not in the same room, you’ll still be sharing recess and lunchtime.” She pulls them both into a quick hug and blinks back her tears.
“Don’t cry, Auntie Mel. We’ll be okay.”
I swallow over the lump in my throat. Moments like these always throw me for a loop. Cadence is so much like Belle, but they only shared four brief months together.
“I’m sorry, Mommy. I’ll go to school.” Nate is near tears. He’s a bit on the emotional side sometimes. Noah was too, and I can easily imagine he was like this when he was Nate’s age.
“How about we all go get some ice cream to celebrate? After that, we’ll drop you off with Grandma V for the weekend.” Grandma V is Belle’s mom, Veronica. Since Mel’s mom passed away when she was young, Veronica is the closest thing to a mom she has. The kids cheer in excitement as we head to the car.
“Have I mentioned lately how lucky we are to have you in our lives?” Maybe I’m a little emotional today too.
Mel squeezes my hand. “I’m the lucky one, Darren. What if you’d been an asshole and had taken Cadence far away when Belle died? I would’ve been devastated.”
“I’m an asshole, but not that kind of asshole. We need you as much as you need us.”
She flashes me a smile as she unlocks the car. “I love you too, Darren.”
At the ice cream shop, we let the kids have their own table next to ours. They talk excitedly about their toppings and flavors, and I miss the days when that could be my biggest concern.
“Are you okay, Darren? You seem a bit lost today. Is it the public school thing? I thought you were on board with it.”
“Nah, it’s not about the school. I’m perfectly happy sending Cadence to public school. We all went to public school. I want that for them, that sense of normalcy, you know?”
Mel snorts. “I’m not sure it’s normal to have a guard parked in front of the school all day.”
We all wanted the kids to go to the neighborhood school. It’s been five years since the band stopped performing and a lot of the paparazzi have died down. Celebrities are always in the spotlight. Fans notice us, and people still want updates about our lives. It’s why we’re always one bad photo, one compromising situation, or one scandal away from a full-fledged press frenzy.
Sawyer, Mel, and I decided early on not to keep the kids hidden. Wyatt and his wife Anna don’t like their kids’ photos out there for the world if they can help it, but that’s their family and their call. They may be changing their tune, though, because they were followed a few weeks ago and had to increase their security again.
As for the three of us, we put out our own photos and have noticed the press tends to leave our kids alone. When they’re already visible, they’re not a story. It probably helps that Mel maintained Belle’s entertainment blog with updates after she died. She only stopped posting to it in the last year, opting to turn it over to an up and comer who would run it the way Belle always intended.
“They’ll never know the guard is there,” I reply. “That’s for our peace of mind. We both know the possibility of stalkers is a real danger. But it would be a real danger at a private school as well.”
Mel licks her spoon and nods. “Well then, what’s the matter? You don’t see
m yourself today.”
I push away my empty bowl. “I’ve just been missing her more than usual lately.”
“Daddy, look! Is my tongue blue?” Cadence sticks out her tongue, and Nate immediately follows suit.
“What about mine, Uncle Darren?”
“You’ve both successfully given yourselves Smurf tongues. Finish eating your ice cream, and maybe it will stay blue long enough for Grandma V to see it.”
They both giggle and squeal as they dig back in, and I give my attention back to Mel.
“Darren,” she begins hesitantly, “are you sure you’re not ready to date again? No one understands your heartache more than I do, but I’m worried about you. Belle wouldn’t want this.”
“I’m as much in love with Belle today as I was five years ago. If that changes someday, I’ll reassess how I feel. For today, I’m going to be sad she missed another milestone, but happy Cadence and I are together for it.”
Mel’s expression softens and her eyes glaze over. “Noah would’ve been researching schools for at least the last year, if not longer. He’d have a list of pros and cons and would probably advocate for private school. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing Nate because I don’t put that kind of thought into things. I’ve always followed my gut.”