I hear him sigh. He’s feeling as helpless as I am. He leaves my hand to cup my face in his. I’m stubborn in my intention to avoid looking at him. “Prish, he wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.”
I don’t want his sermons but I know he’s right. Nik always wanted me to live my life like he lived his. Carefree, full of laughter and sunshine.
“Prish, baby, please come back.” He hugs me close to his heart where I can hear its steady beat. I know it beats for me just like Nik’s. “Stop punishing yourself. Let me make it right for you. Give me a chance.”
Nothing will be right for Nik, not ever. I killed him! I killed my father! My heart break into a million pieces. I need Nik but he’s gone and he’s never coming back. Realisation hits me like a ton of bricks. He’s never coming back! I begin shaking as the hurt becomes real with my acceptance of Nik’s death.
My hands rise to fist the fabric of Ajaz’s shirt in a death’s grip. Then for the first time, I truly mourn Nik.
Ajaz holds me to his heart, letting me cry all my sorrow away. I cling to him for support, for understanding, for patience and for love. When I’m done, all that’s left is a dull ache in my heart that belongs to Nik forever.
Ajaz lays me back gently and for the first time in years, I take a good, close look at him.
His face is just as handsome as I remember, but there are fine wrinkles around his eyes and shadows under them. I suppose it’s their claim to maturity. He looks so much wiser. He looks like a man who has finally dealt with life on his terms.
He isn’t smiling as he brushes tendrils off my forehead. “You’re going to be okay, do you hear that? You’re not alone anymore, Prish. I’m going to take care of you.”
My eyes are guarded but his are earnest. I want to believe him. That’s the only way I can survive. The question is, do I really want to survive? Am I needed in this world?
“I need you, sweet,” he whispers, reading my mind as he has done so many times before. He touches his forehead to mine. “Don’t you dare give up, you hear me? Don’t you dare! You’re going to get through this. I’m going to make you. You hear that? I said do you hear that? Answer me, damn it!”
I begin crying afresh making him groan with self-hate. Then I speak the first heartfelt words in months. “I hear you. I hear you.”
I reach up and fling my arms around Ajaz to once again cry as much as I want.
Thirteen
Open your heart.
The process of healing is painful not because it’s hard but because of the memories that take you back to the moment that made you need it.
I need strength to work on my physical as well as my mental well-being. This time I’m released from the hospital in Ajaz’s care. There’s no one to object and he’s the only one who cares where I go. I’m still on suicide watch but he takes full responsibility.
I can’t bring myself to return to my home, the one I had with Nik. I might regress to my depressive state again so Ajaz packs Nik’s belongings and donates them with his mother’s permission. The only thing he ships to her are my wedding albums. He doesn’t want to chance my finding them ever. He tells me this and I agree.
I move into his apartment. I hadn’t known that Ajaz lived quite close to where Nik and I had lived. In the years after his masters, he has set up his own business that is doing pretty well with three offices in different parts of the state of California and one in Bombay.
He chooses to live in a plush apartment as it comes with the maintenance service. It’s a three bed sprawling space with modern, minimalistic furnishings. I have a room to myself. I love its simple yet luxurious textures and often spend hours on the window seat overlooking the bay in the distance. It’s the only pleasure I allow myself.
Ajaz has an elderly housekeeper, Mrs. Holly Olson, who keeps an eye out for me when he’s not around. She’s trying to plump me up I can tell but I’m still a picky eater. She usually leaves by six, right about the time Ajaz is back home.
On the days when there’s a gap between her leaving and his coming home, I find myself standing in front of the mirror in the hallway, glaring at my reflection, daring my ghost to appear. But she doesn’t. She’s as defiant as I am. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve imagined her. But then I remember the look in Nik’s eyes when he saw her. If he saw her in those last moments, then she’s very much real.
~ ~ ~
I’m watching a movie when Holly leaves for the day. Ajaz walks in five minutes later. He nods at me before heading for a quick shower. When he returns, he’s dressed more casual. Jeans, black t-shirt, sneakers. My traitorous heart skips a beat.
When he flops down beside me, I increase the space between us. I haven’t forgiven him for leaving me all those years ago. I want to blame someone for loosing Nik. It’s either Ajaz, me or the ghost girl.
He doesn’t close in on me. He’s giving me the space I need.
“Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?” His abrupt question enters my thoughts.
It’s been more than three months since Nik. I haven’t been anywhere in a long time. It’s time I did. I agree and go get dressed. It doesn’t take me long to throw on some jeans, a flannel shirt, a warm felt jacket and sneakers. I have no use for anything else.
Ajaz has his black leather jacket and fingerless gloves on. He smiles in appreciation. “Good choice.” He walks out twirling his keys around his fingers, whistling an unknown tune.
A surprise awaits me at the apartment complex parking. He’s sitting astride a humongous Harley Davidson. My mouth goes dry with memories of my last ride with him. He hands me a helmet and helps me snap it on. He’s deliberately avoiding the accusation in my eyes. Does he really think he can thaw me?
He pats the seat behind him. After a moment’s hesitation, I get on, my legs opening up to slide intimately against his butt. He kick-starts the Harley and sets off with a roar.
I have no choice but to hang onto him with my arms around his waist. I squeeze my eyes close tight. He’s going too fast. He’s never ridden this fast in Bombay where he couldn’t as the roads are narrower and have more traffic.
I quiver, whether because of the cold or fear I can’t tell. He gives my hand a brief pat before returning it to the beast’s handle bar. It’s his way of letting me know we’re safe. It makes me open my eyes and look at the world passing me by. The lights, the sounds, the people, the colours, all fascinate me. It’s as if I’m looking at the world for the first time.
We zoom into a parking zone by the ocean front. He parks and I hop off before him. He doesn’t say a word as he takes my hand in his and heads for the beach. It’s crowded but compared to beaches back home, it’s almost empty.
I stare out into the ocean that’s sparkling with life. It’s like I’ve never seen an ocean before or heard the waves. My senses slowly come to life.
Ajaz comes to stand next to me. He takes my hand and tucks my finger in the loop on his jeans. “Don’t go wandering without me,” he jests, before lighting a cigarette. I had almost forgotten he smokes. He doesn’t seem to smoke at the apartment. I stand connected to him feeling an odd sense of warmth come over me. It’s me and him all over again.
Something tells me, we need each other. I let go of his loop making him immediately glance at me with a worried look. I say nothing but take his hand in mine. I’m not going wandering again. I’m staying right here with him.
His hand squeezes mine. I can sense his relief that he blows up with a puff of smoke. He knows I’m willing to give us a chance.
We eat seafood tacos and share a gigantic marshmallow sundae. It’s delicious and heavenly but we can’t finish it. Ajaz has ice cream dots at the corner of his chin. I use a tissue to rub it off. It’s the most natural thing to do but it’s special and full of hope. He catches hold of my hand, gazing into my eyes. His molten ones are on fire. He drops a kiss on my hand making me shiver. My fingers curl around his in response. We look at each other. The universe is giving us another chance.
We ride home in silence. I hold on to him tight. I let my feelings for him surface and take over. I have a choice and it’s him. He’s my life line, my anchor now. I need to let Nik go.
It’s dark when Ajaz opens the door to his apartment. We enter into a world meant for us. We need no lights, we need each other.
His arm goes around me bringing me closer. I look up at him as I had all those years ago on New Year's night. His face is in shadows but his love isn’t hidden.
We both hesitate. We’re rewriting our destiny. Are we sure this time round? What if?
There can be no ‘what ifs’.
He lingers, waiting for my unspoken permission. My mind lets me take one last peek at Nik. His beautiful long lashes, his wide smile, his silly jokes, his love for me.
I will always love you, Nik, but I need to let you go.
A single drop of tear can mean more than a hundred words. I can tell it breaks Ajaz’s heart. He draws me into his warm hug, giving me time to say a final goodbye.
My sobs seem endless but I need to stop mourning. I raise my tear stained face to his.
“Ajaz?”
“Yes, babes?”
“Promise me you will never let me go.”
He wipes my tears before resting his forehead against mine. “Never in a million years, Prish. I’m yours for eternity.”
We breathe in our essence, heaving in silence. My eyes raise to his. “And I’m yours.”
I move my lips to his and he catches them in a soul-searching kiss. It’s a kiss that promises us a future together. It’s a kiss that seals our destiny. It’s a kiss that doesn’t let us turn back.
I pour every emotion that I have for him in that kiss. My heart remembers him. It wants to heal and I let him in forever.
We go kissing into his bedroom. I have many questions to ask him but not tonight. We exchange no words as we love each other. My heart beats for him, he’s the medicine and my cure.
Ajaz’s love making is tender, slow and full of promises. We rise and fall together as once before. When I cry out his name, I know this time it’s forever. This time he won’t let me go.
Later, we fall asleep, Ajaz’s large body spooning my tiny one. I’m warm, I’m safe, I’m home.
I have no idea how long we’ve slept before I sense the cold creep up from my feet towards my core. I try to resist but I have no choice. She’s here and she’s going to make me lust for more!
Ajaz senses the external presence too. The last time she had appeared we were younger but now life has taught us more lessons than we want to learn.
His arm snakes around me to turn me around as he pins me under his weight. He stares into my eyes narrowing his gaze. I know he’s seeing the purple flecks. It ensnares him as before making him feel more lust for me than love.
He captures my lips in a heady kiss, plunging his tongue in for a primeval, carnal mating game. I arch up into him, begging for completion. He worships me with everything he has. Our world is made up of a lusty, purple haze.
We lose ourselves to the intoxicating fumes, exploring each other as never before. This time round, our union makes our pleasure explode all around us like fireworks at a carnival. We could be lost so easily but Ajaz is stronger, more powerful and more in control. He needs to finish this on his own terms. I can hear him murmuring something under his breath even as he races to the end. We’re edgy, sweaty, delirious and crazed with our need for each other.
I can feel the cold at my core begin to uncoil even as I accept him completely. I’m his possession and he’s possessed by me. We reach the precipice together. As we begin to tumble, I cry out his name but he cries out words that make no sense to me. They make me feel safe and protected. The icy grip loosens and beats a hasty retreat.
We lie spent in each other’s arms, content in the knowledge that there’s a tomorrow and we’re in it together.
I want to address the interference of my icy nemesis. I can’t let her harm Ajaz, although I don’t think she will. “Ajaz?”
He raises his head to smile down at me. “What sweet?” His dreamy eyes are still hazy in the aftermath of our shared passion, the tendrils at his forehead wet, his skin flushed. I could get drunk on this vision.
I touch his lips making him groan. I have no idea how to broach the subject. I’m afraid he will think I’m nuts as Nik had.
Ajaz doesn’t let me think any further. It’s like he wants to push all my misgivings aside. He presses me into the bed with a kiss that leaves me wanting more. He makes love to me again, erasing my misgivings.
I fall asleep with the weight of his arm across my breast and his steady breathing at the nape of my neck. We’re finally together and that’s what matters the most.
~ ~ ~
The days that follow are full of tender love. We sit on the window seat, drinking coffee, watching boats go by. I sit between his legs with my knees drawn up, it’s a need for me to feel secure and safe.
He often trails feather-light kisses across exposed parts of my skin. He’s an attentive lover who knows what I need. We often land in bed together. We make gentle love and afterwards lie gazing into each other’s eyes. We send silent promises that we never hope to break.
Our motor bike rides are regular and so are the seafood tacos. Although they contain no aphrodisiac, we find ourselves clawing at each other as soon as we get to the apartment. The ghost girl doesn’t appear again so our lovemaking is more controlled but explosive all the same. We can’t get enough of each other.
We often cook together, sharing random kisses. Those dishes turn out the best.
One day I finally ask Ajaz what I need to know.
We’re sitting at the window seat. I’m settled between his legs with my knees drawn up. He’s paying attention to my nape giving me erotic thoughts.
“Ajaz, what happened after we broke up?”
He stills. He knows he can’t avoid this discussion. Letting out a sigh, he sits back, nudging me to lay my head over his chest.
He sighs, folding his arm behind his head for support. “Asad told me about meeting you and warning you. I hit him, Prish. I’ve never hit my brother before but I hit him because he hurt you.”
I turn my head to take in his pained look. “But he did the right thing.”
He nods. “Yes, in a way he saved me the trouble. I could’ve never broken up with you.” He tucks a stray tendril behind my ear. His eyes are liquid honey against the rays of a setting sun. “My mother, she wasn’t well, Prish. We thought she wouldn’t survive. But she did. And she made Asad and me promise we wouldn’t marry a girl outside our faith.” He looks uncomfortable, ashamed. “There was nothing I could do. I got married against my wishes, a few months after that night we met last.”
I stiffen. I don’t like hearing this but I have to. Then something strikes me. “Was it New Year’s Eve?”
His eyes widen in surprise. “Yes, how did you guess?”
Nik proposing to me on his knees on New Year’s Eve flashes by. It’s almost as though tragedies had marked us both. Should it concern me? A nagging thought settles somewhere deep in my subconscious mind. There’s more to us than meets the eye.
I ask him the next question because I need to know. “What happened,” I pause, choosing my words with care, “To the woman you married?” I can’t bring myself to call her his wife.
“Her name’s Nadira.” He takes a longer pause as though lost in thoughts. Does he miss her? Ajaz dips his head to breath in my scent. “I never loved her, Prish. She was forced into my life. I was civil to her but I didn’t love her.” He places a kiss on my head. “She wasn’t you. No one can be you. We called it quits after a year of pretence. I had brought her here with me thinking the distance between you and I could help me give her a partner she deserved. But I couldn’t make it work. I hardly ever spoke to her. She left me accusing me of being distracted and selfish. Since I was here, my mother couldn’t interfere and try and make it work for us. But she wouldn’t let me get a divorce.” My b
reath hitches. Does it mean that he’s still married? I begin shivering. After Nik, I’m unable to control the physical manifestation of my emotions.
Ajaz wraps me in his warm embrace. “No, I’m not married anymore.” He’s read my mind. “That night, when I saw you on the yacht with Nik, I felt my heart bludgeoned till I could hardly breathe. I had been living in a dream world, imagining you daily. The scent of your hair, your skin, the taste of your lips, your body; everything was real for me. I could never imagine you with someone else. But you were with Nik and I had lost you.” He draws in a shaky breath, reliving the pain.
“Although you were with someone else I knew with clarity I couldn’t be. I’m not a cruel man but I had to be free. I left for home, met with my family and announced my intention to divorce Nadira. I sent in the divorce papers to Nadira and it was over between us.” He smiles down at me and uses the back of his finger to trace a line down my cheek. “We need to wait three months for a divorce to be finalized as per the traditions of my faith. The three months completed the night we made love.”
True Rising: Mark of the Defenders Page 12