by Ann Grech
I used to find peace in this place, but not that day. Anger and frustration swirled around me while sadness hung over me like the blizzards that would roll over the mountaintops surrounding this place. My mind raced, and yet it could have been on a loop, the same thoughts repeating over and over again. I’d laid a hand on my best friend. I’d pushed him and wanted to hurt him. It was irrelevant that he’d done the same to me or that I knew he could defend himself. I wasn’t that person. Shame washed over me. I owed him an apology, but would he even want to hear it if he knew what I was? Surely from my question he’d figure it out. Then again, did I even want to remain friends if he truly hated an undeniable part of me? I’d have to move again, probably back in with Riccardo. I was at a crossroads, unsure of which path to take.
A chill passed through me, and I pulled my coat tighter around my body. Was the sudden biting breeze a foreboding sign of what would come?
I didn’t know how long I stood there, staring out at the view while I tried to make sense of my jumbled feelings and plot a path through the mess. The sun inched toward the ridgeline, and I knew I should head back. Light didn’t last as long this far north, especially surrounded by the towering mountains. I’d walked out on Mamma and my family without a word. I’d ignored Gabriella’s calls when she’d come rushing out after me, and I didn’t have my cell. They’d probably be starting to worry. I sighed and turned to leave, but I stopped in my tracks when I saw him. Trent stood before me, breathing hard and looking around frantically.
“Oh, thank fuck,” he cursed when he saw me, rushing to me with a blanket outstretched in his arms. “Get under this, you crazy bastard. I’ve been worried sick.” His words had an edge to them, but the care he took in wrapping the blanket around my shoulders and tugging it together reassured me that he was happy to see me. With his gloved hands, he cupped my face and tilted it down to his, inspecting me. When he pulled me into his arms, I stood there unmoving, unsure of what I should be feeling.
“Trent—”
“I’m sorry, I was an ass. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself for saying those things, for even thinking them.” He sighed and squeezed me tighter. “Please don’t leave like that again. People die in these conditions, Ang. You just left, and I had no idea where you went and then you didn’t come back and I was going out of my mind. I’ve been looking for you but I didn’t know where you’d gone. You’ve been out here for hours. You’re probably hypothermic and, Jesus—” His words ran together the more worked up he became, barely pausing to take a breath.
“Trent.” I pushed away from him, surprised at his concern after our run-in earlier that day. “I’m fine.”
“No. You’re not and it’s because of me.” His tone was gentle, remorseful, as he reached up to brush a stray bang from my forehead. “You’re shivering and your pants are soaked through so you’re only going to get colder. The sun’s setting too. I need to get you inside and warm you up. Will you let me take care of you? Please?”
I closed my eyes and nodded. I owed Trent an explanation and an apology as much as he owed me one. When he wrapped me in his embrace again, I sank into him. Having his arms around me was like coming home. I could never give that up. I never wanted to. Whatever our differences were, we’d just have to make our friendship work.
A full-body shudder ripped through me. I hadn’t realized how cold I was, but now he pointed it out I could feel it. Trent pulled back a little, holding me by my waist, and I was glad for his solid presence. My legs felt like Jell-O as I walked down the path with him. He didn’t let go of me the whole way home.
He waited until we were around the corner from Mamma’s house before he spoke again. “Your sister’s meeting us at home. She’s probably gonna want a word.” I cringed and hated myself even more for making everyone worry. I’d needed space, but that was no reason to walk away. “She’ll be happy to see you. Everyone will.”
“Everyone?”
“Gab, Rick, and I have been out looking for you. Your mom stayed at home in case you went back there.” At his answer, I let out a sigh and shook my head before running my fingers through my hair. “I can run interference if you like.”
“I’d love you to, but I owe them an apology too.” Mamma’s front door was a few feet away, but I stopped short. “Listen, before we go inside….” I let out a shaky breath and pursed my lips, nerves suddenly coursing through me. “I’m sorry, Trent. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. I had no right to do that.”
“I was a jerk and what I said wasn’t fair. You don’t need to be sorry for reacting to that, but honestly, I really just want to get you inside.” He ushered me through the door, and Mamma was waiting on the other side of it, hands on her hips, wearing the same expression she’d use to scold me as a child.
I put up my hand to halt her tirade before it started and opened my mouth to speak, but Trent interrupted me. “Palmira, he’s safe. I want to examine him. Do you think while I do that you can get those hot water bottles organized and some of that soup?”
“Sì,” she muttered, nodding before her gaze cut to mine. Her expression was filled with relief. “You know better than that, Angelo. You had me worried. All of us worried.”
For the first time since he’d found me, I stepped out of Trent’s arms and hugged her tight. I towered over her, having to bend to kiss her hair. “Sì, Mamma. I won’t do it again.”
An hour later, showered, dressed in sweats, and sitting under the thick covers of my bed with an empty bowl of soup on the nightstand, I yawned. It was too early to sleep, but my energy levels had bottomed out. Trent’s hovering, treating me like a patient who could break at any moment, unnerved me. I needed him to relax as much as I needed it myself. “Wanna watch a movie?” I asked, reaching for my iPad.
“Sure.” He smiled and checked my temperature again. He motioned to the thermometer and added, “You’re all good.”
“I’ve been the same temperature since I walked inside. Don’t worry so much.” He glared at me for a moment before I shifted to one side. “Sit your ass down and watch a movie with me, Trent. Your pick. Here.”
He scrolled through, and I found myself leaning into him to check out what movie he’d pick. His spicy scent filled my senses and I breathed deep, wanting to get even closer. Reality slammed into me when Trent shifted and I realized how close I’d gotten. Shit, he’s uncomfortable. What straight dude wouldn’t be when he had another man all up in his personal space and leaning on him like a creeper? “Sorry,” I muttered and sat up straight. He shocked the shit out of me when he wrapped an arm around me, pulled me closer, and set the iPad on his lap. I couldn’t help myself and snuggled into him, resting my cheek against his shoulder. My eyes were heavy, and I closed them waiting for the movie to start. I hadn’t even realized we’d gotten past the opening scene before I felt the bed shift. I reached for Trent, but there was only cold air in his place. I knew before I’d even opened my eyes that I’d be waking up alone in my bed and the other single in the room probably wouldn’t have even been slept in. It was uncanny how quickly I could get used to him next to me and how right his arms were wrapped around me. I couldn’t hope for something hopeless. I had to be satisfied with what I had, and I was. But I could still wish for those strong arms to remain around me for just a little longer.
9
Three and a Half Years Later
Trent
I hated this time of year. I despised this day in particular. But I was determined not to let the memories overwhelm me. Angelo knew I found it hard. He’d figured out after years of knowing me better than any other person that there was something fucked-up in my past that pulled me down every year. Even though I’d managed to avoid giving him any real details, he always told me he’d be there whenever I was ready. Then he’d save me from myself when I was drowning. Whether it was telling me to chill, taking me out to do some random activity that he’d concocted—lawn bowls was yesterday’s spur of the moment thing—or serving me his Mamma’s famou
s pasta recipes, he always lifted my spirits. He helped keep the memories at bay by giving me the most important thing he could: his time. It was easy to smile around him, and I’d done a lot of it in the years that we’d been living together.
There was only one thing I would change about us—I’d be honest with him. But it could never happen. He knew the person I was now; he knew Trent. He didn’t have any details about my past. About Keir. I’d keep my secrets locked down in a vault that made Fort Knox look like child’s play. But his knowing my mistake and what my godfather had done, and then what I’d put my parents through would be the end of our friendship. He was the best kind of man: generous, thoughtful, and loyal to a fault. He valued family above everything. I didn’t deserve him, not after all the shitty things I’d done. He was my sounding board, the reason to my hot-headedness, my strength when I was weak. So I wouldn’t tempt fate. I wouldn’t confess and risk the way he looked at me changing. The softness in his eyes and the shy smile he reserved especially for me would disappear. He’d walk away, just like I’d done. It was what I deserved, but I was too selfish to let it happen. I’d lived nearly half my life without once divulging my secrets. I would keep them for decades longer if it meant keeping Angelo.
That morning though, it wasn’t Angelo I was meeting. It was Ford. He’d just been released from the hospital and, with a busted-up knee, was probably surviving on tea and toast. Avalanches were a fact of life with any area covered in snow, but there was one ridgeline that the back trail skiers liked to use that posed a higher risk. Ford had gone heli-skiing to inspect the ridge from afar and somehow got caught in a freak blizzard. It came out of nowhere and we were all unprepared. Ford and his charge were caught out there and sought shelter in a ranger’s hut I hadn’t known existed while we nervously waited it out by the emergency radio. It was three days before we could get a chopper up to look for them, and Rick was the first pilot to volunteer. I was the first paramedic.
Ford and I had had some run-ins. We’d clashed, and he was a pain in my ass most of the time, but he was a damn good boss and a good friend. So I supposed, with everyone else working, I should take him some food. It was the least I could do to repay the favors he’d done for me when I’d struggled. Instead of firing me on the spot like he should have all those times I’d gone to work still lit, he’d forced me to do a breath test, then put me on the next bus back to Queenstown. No one else would have done that, but he’d protected me from myself, much like Angelo did.
When we’d received the call that Ford’s emergency beacon had been activated, we hauled ass over to him. The injuries he’d suffered from getting caught in the avalanche were minor, but he couldn’t walk on his bruised knee. We found him and the tourist safe and sound at the ranger’s hut. Only in Ford’s world would that tourist end up being the dude he’d been a fanboy of for years—pro snowboarder, Reef Reid.
Pulling my beat-up 4x4 to the curb in front of Ford’s house, I grabbed the breakfast burritos off the passenger seat and headed up the drive. I didn’t recognize the SUV parked there, but at a guess, I’d say it was probably his cleaner or a nurse friend checking up on him. The front door was this heavy timber thing, so I knocked hard a couple of times and waited for him. The snick of the lock on the other side preceded the door opening, and Ford stood there wearing only a pair of unbuttoned jeans. “Trent, hey.”
He was still sleep rumpled and trying to balance on one crutch. I didn’t want him to fall on his ass or freeze in the chilly wind buffeting my back, so I pushed past him and held up the food I was carrying. “Dude! Brought over some breakfast burritos to heat up. Figured you’d be starving if you can’t cook.”
“Thanks. I, ah, don’t want to sound ungrateful, but now isn’t a good time.” I looked around the house for the first time, but nothing was out of place. Whoever was parked in the drive wasn’t even around. Then it occurred to me. She was in the bedroom. Ford had hooked up and they’d gone back to his house. How he managed to do that was beyond me.
“Pity sex?” I scoffed. “Nice. Who’d you score with?”
“You’re a pig.” Ford’s anger surprised me, especially when I was only fucking around with him. Movement in the doorway to Ford’s bedroom caught my attention, and in one fell swoop, the floor fell away from me. Tall, lithe muscles, and blond hair. Reef Reid was there, and completely naked. My heart slammed against my chest, and my breath caught like my lifeblood was being drained straight out of me. Panic seized me. I was suddenly right back there. In my nightmare. My sixteen-year-old self owning up to my greatest mistake and Ryan teaching me a lesson. One I could never forget. But this time terror didn’t take hold of me; it was disbelief. Disbelief that Ford, my mate, would do that. That he’d experience the one thing I’d wanted but could never have. Still couldn’t. I’d only admitted that desire to one person and look where it had gotten me. I’d learned my lesson, but Ford hadn’t been told.
Hatred, as vile as the part of me that was so wrong and as fierce as the blizzard that had enveloped our town for days, slammed into me. I was thrown in a whirlwind of swirling ice and gale-force winds. I was disgusting. I was an abomination. I was dirty. Wrong. I wasn’t gay. But I was. I always had been, but I’d tried to forget. I’d tried to change. I’d tried to fight off the need for a man’s touch. With every punch of my godfather’s hips against my broken and bruised body, he’d pushed me farther and farther away from wanting to admit my truth. He’d spewed venom, and I’d been poisoned by it. I wanted to scream and shout, to stop him. I had to stop him. I had to save myself.
I lashed out, disgust in my voice. “What’s he doing walkin’ around naked in your house?” Ford spun around to see an undressed Reef staggering toward the bathroom, still half asleep. There was no doubt they’d been in the bedroom together. Jealousy and revulsion at myself and what I was spurred me on. The venom pumped into me by my godfather poisoned me all over again and I spat out, “You’re a faggot? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“What? No, no,” Ford answered defensively, looking like he wanted to punch me. Good. If he did, the physical pain would match the soul-destroying agony inside my heart. “He’s… nothing. Never mind.”
The moment he uttered the words, I saw his whole demeanor change. He went from defensive to panicking, and in that instant, I knew this was no one-time thing for him. Here was Queenstown’s ladies’ man who’d gone and lost his heart to a man, and the knowledge that Ford was free to do that sent another jolt of self-loathing through me.
Reef said something and walked away, but the words didn’t register. It was taking everything in me to stop the gut-churning nausea pulsing through me from making me hurl. Ford stepped forward so we were standing chest to chest. He didn’t need to speak in more than a whisper and I could have heard him. His voice though, was a hiss, like a pissed-off snake ready to strike the lethal blow. “What the fuck, Trent?”
I hate myself. I’m jealous and horrified and angry. I make myself sick. “You make me sick.”
Ford got all up in my face and glared. He was an intimidating fucker when he was pissed. I couldn’t help but flinch when Ford narrowed his eyes and growled at me. I’d seen rage like that in someone’s eyes only once before. Ryan.
“Sit the fuck down and shut up, I need to see him out. Then we’re gonna have a word about showing some fucking respect while you’re in my house.” Ford turned and began hobbling over to the bedroom as the front door slammed shut, the noise reverberating through the quiet house. Reef had just left. Ford didn’t hesitate, following him. He shouted at Reef to wait as I pivoted on my feet and walked out, pushing past him.
“I never pinned you as a fairy. Yet, you’re out here weeping like a fucking girl over your boyfriend getting all pissy. I knew you two were goin’ at it when we busted into that cabin. I’m just glad I didn’t have to see you sitting on his dick.” Oh God, stop. Please, shut your mouth and get out of here.
“Who the fuck do you think you are? Get the hell off my property and don’t come
back.”
I wanted to stop my mouth from running, but I couldn’t. I was so far beyond controlling myself that I was back to that sixteen-year-old dick I used to be, and my next words proved it. “Aww, the little princess has had her feelings hurt?”
“Grow up and fuck off.” Ford elbowed past me to get in the door and slammed it in my face while I stood there. In an instant, my world had shattered again. My anger boiled my blood, but the revulsion in myself won out. I made it to the gray picket fence along the front perimeter and vomited in the bushes. I wished I could purge the loathing and the memories as easily as my morning coffee, but that could never happen. They say sometimes when the body has a traumatic experience, it blocks out the event so it can heal. Why did I have to be different? Every second of what happened was burned into my memory. Imprinted on me so I could never forget.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and stepped through the gate before walking out to my truck. I drove home, giving a one-fingered salute to more than one person on the way, and skidded into the drive. Slamming the front door shut, I stomped across the living room toward my bedroom. I had no idea what I was going to do but pounding the shit out of the pavement sounded good right about then. My footsteps were heavy against the floor, and before I could get in there to change into sweats and hit the road, Angelo was in front of me. In my face. I couldn’t deal with him. I had to keep my distance. His concern would only piss me off more, and I needed to protect him from me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, putting a gentle hand on my chest and stopping me in my tracks. I looked at him and saw beauty and love. A pureness about him that I’d never have again, perhaps never had in the first place. His eyes always captivated me. Whiskey with bright flecks of green and brown. Warm fall colors, as if he alone could keep the harsh winters at bay. So kind and caring. His furrowed brows and pursed lips told me he was worried about me. His hand on my chest seared me with the love of his friendship. It had me wanting to fall into his arms. Instinct told me to pull him close, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I’d just spewed the same vile hatred that my godfather had spat at me. I wouldn’t taint Angelo. He was too good for that. Too good for me.