by Monica James
Unsnapping my seat belt, I open the door and step outside. The fresh air fills my lungs, and I inhale deeply, the smells of the past warming me. It’s replaced with bitterness a second later.
“Punky, I don’t want ya stayin’ here,” Hannah says, her eyes nervously searching the grounds.
I know why she’s worried.
She told me she saw Sean here, lurking in the shadows like the monster that he is. But I’m not afraid of him. I want him to know I’m back and plan on claiming what is mine.
Cupping her cheek, I gently assure her, “I’ll be all right, wee one. Go now. I’m sure y’ve got better things to do than be here.”
“I want to be here,” she presses, leaning into my hand. “I never want to leave yer side.”
Cian stands off to the side, but it appears he shares the same sentiments as Hannah.
“I’m not goin’ anywhere. Ye made sure of that when ya fought for me when I didn’t even fight for myself.”
She sniffs back her tears.
“But I need some time to adjust. This is all…a lot.”
“Of course,” she replies with a nod. “Promise me ya won’t leave me again?”
Her plea breaks my heart because I crushed her when I left. I never realized how my actions would impact the twins. They were small, and I thought with time, they’d forget me. But I never forgot my ma, and I was a similar age to the twins when she was snatched from my life.
“I promise,” I assure her, bringing her in for a hug.
She clings on tight, and it’s hard not to reminisce about when she was a wain, holding me with all her might. “I’ll save him. I won’t fail ye again,” I whisper into her ear.
She sobs into my shoulder, her tiny body shuddering with her pain.
Ethan not being here means, unlike Hannah, he’s not interested in reminiscing on the past. He’s happy to leave me dead and buried. He sees what I did as a betrayal, as I left them to rot. But I thought of them every single day. I thought I was doing the right thing.
But I was fooled by the man who is now fooling him, and I’ll be damned if I allow that to happen to Ethan.
“I’ll come by later with some food and clothes for ya. And I’ll try to get the power and water connected.”
There’s no point in arguing with her, so I nod as I kiss her forehead. “Thanks.”
Cian hands me a mobile phone. It’s awful fancy compared to the one I once had. “My number is programmed in there. If ya need anythin’, ya call me. Also, I’ll call on ye later and lend ya my truck. I have another car, so it’s just collectin’ dust.”
“Thank you,” I say, accepting the phone and the offer to use his truck until I can buy my own. “I’ll pay ya back once I get my finances sorted.”
He clucks his tongue. “Don’t be worryin’ about that.”
We have so much to catch up on, like where Rory is. And what they’ve both been up to these past ten years. I don’t ask about Babydoll because I figure if Cian wanted me to know, he’d tell me.
“All right. Let’s give Punky some time, wee cutty.” Cian gestures with his hand that they’re to go.
I realize the pressure I put him under when I asked him to look out for the twins for me. But looking at the strong, brave woman Hannah has grown into, I know he’s done a brilliant job. I owe him everything.
Hannah’s eyes are filled with tears as she gets into the car. Cian waits for her to close the door before he digs into his pocket and produces something I almost forgot existed.
“I kept it safe for ya,” he says, offering me my ma’s brooch. “I always knew y’d be back.”
The sunlight seems to illuminate something which already shines so brightly in my eyes. I accept it, and the weight feels familiar in my hand. “Thanks, Cian. For everythin’. I know it seemed like I just didn’t want to see ya, but there was a reason. Ya never gave up on me. I don’t deserve ye.”
“Ach, stop that,” he says, shaking his head. “Yer my best mate. That’s never changed. But—”
“But what?” I press when he pauses.
He tongues his cheek in thought. “But some things have changed.”
“Is that why Rory isn’t here?”
He nods slowly.
“He can’t forgive me?”
When Cian lowers his eyes, I know the answer is yes.
“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused youse. I would have done things so differently. But that’s the thing about hindsight…it’s fucking useless.”
Cian laughs, and the sound is one I’ve missed. “We’ll grab a pint when yer up to it. I’ll be back later with Hannah.”
He hugs me again as if he still can’t believe I’m here.
We say our goodbyes, and I watch as his car turns down the drive and onto the road. Once the car is out of sight, I bend in half, place my hands on my thighs, and take three deep breaths. I need a moment to compose myself.
Once my heart stops racing, I stand and absorb everything before me.
Even though the castle wasn’t my home, I hate to see it in the state that it’s in. This rubble now belongs to me, and I intend to restore it to its former glory. It’s what Connor would have wanted, as well as my ma.
With hesitant steps, I walk toward the building built with Kelly blood, sweat, and tears. Phantom shrills of the twins catch the wind—my mind playing tricks, transporting me back to simpler times.
As I step through the doorway, I’m hit with poignant nostalgia. The riches are no more. This place is merely a carcass of what it once was. Debris litters the floor—food wrappers, cigarette butts, and broken beer bottles.
This place is a haven for misfits.
I continue my tour, my mind flashing from the present to the past, comparing what is to what it once was. There is now a mingin’ single mattress where Fiona’s beloved dining table once stood. I hate to think of what lewd acts occurred on that boggin’ surface.
There are burnt-out candles all over the floor and in the alcoves of the walls, solving the no electricity problem. The atmosphere is haunting. No wonder ghost stories thrive here. Hannah told me this is where the local kids go to hang out, get bladdered, and scare each other with tales of the boogeyman—aka me.
Peering upward, I see sunlight streaming in from the holes in the ceiling. The once polished floors are now ruined after being exposed to the harsh elements over the years. There are etchings in the stonework of people who have come and gone.
I run my fingers over the engravings, wondering if the initials of the lovers inside the hearts are still in love. They clearly wanted to make their union known to others, but nothing lasts forever.
Once I’m done with the tour inside the castle, I walk out the back door and into the vast fields. I stand still and tip my face to the heavens. So many memories crash into me. I loved it back here—it’s where my mum’s gardens once were.
The rose brooch tingles in my pocket, and on instinct, I dig my hand into my pocket, fingering over it. “I’ll replant them for ye, Ma,” I avow aloud. “I’ll make this place what it once was.”
I walk through the grounds, taking in the unkept state. It hurts to see it this way because this castle has been in my family for generations. It angers me that Sean, a Kelly, doesn’t seem to give a fuck about that. He’s allowed it to wither away and, instead, used it for his corrupt ways—like meeting Ethan here.
My jaw clenches at the thought.
I make my way to the stable yard building. The gardens are overgrown and littered with bottles and feg butts. When I come up over the hill and see it, I sigh, overwhelmed. This place was my sanctuary, the place where I could grieve for the life I never wanted to live.
I walk the same paths I did ten years ago, but so much has changed. That boy didn’t know who he was destined to become. I’m surprised the door is still intact. It’s unlocked, of course, so I open it and peer inside. The interior is different, but the feelings are still the same—I’m home.
Walking into my gaff, I stand
in the middle of the room, taking everything in. My possessions are long gone, but the memories will never fade. I close my eyes, and all I see is Babydoll. I can hear her laughter, her breathless moans as we lost ourselves in one another over and over again.
I remember the way she tested me, refusing to back down. She was the strongest person I knew.
Her scent, her taste is amplified in here as this was our private oasis where the outside world didn’t exist. It was us versus them. I miss her so fucking much.
I never allowed myself to think of her because when I did, all I felt was this—this gaping hole in my chest. I never knew what love was, but now I know that I loved Babydoll with every fiber of my being. There wasn’t a specific event or time when I fell for her; it was simply inevitable.
Being apart from her is like missing a part of me, and now that I know she isn’t my sister, I can’t stop thinking about how she made me feel. I want that feeling back.
I want her.
And just like that…I get my wish…and I can finally breathe again after ten long years.
“…Hi, Punky.”
Turning slowly, afraid my mind is playing tricks on me, I prepare to be greeted by a ghost of the past. But when I lock in on those expressive green eyes, I realize she’s here. She’s really here.
I need a minute to take her in because she’s changed, although, in some ways, she looks exactly the same.
Her long hair is now a light brown with blonde through it. I remember when we met, it was a brighter blonde. I wonder if she dyed it to help disguise who she really was. She wears fitted blue jeans and a short knitted jumper. She has some makeup on, and I focus on her glossy pink lips.
How I want to taste them.
“I wanted”—she clears her throat—“I wanted to come pick you up.”
My body instantly responds to her voice, and I wonder how I lived without it for ten years. I realize I was only half living.
“But I didn’t know if I should. I didn’t know if you’d want me to.”
Her chest shudders as she exhales. She’s nervous.
“You look—” She scrunches up her nose when she takes in my black and blue state. “Just how I remember you. But older.”
I want to speak, but I’m addicted to hearing her voice, so I remain quiet.
She brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. “I guess that’s what happens when ten years pass. We get old.”
I can’t take my eyes off her, and when her cheeks turn scarlet, I know she still feels this pull between us. It never left. It was merely in a ten-year slumber. But the beast has awoken, and it needs to be fed.
“Are you going to say anything?” she asks, biting her bottom lip. “Do you want me to go? You’re not happy to see me?”
She’s clutching at straws as I haven’t said a word. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid to tell her I love her because I’ve never told anyone that I’ve loved them before.
“This was a mistake.”
She spins on her heel, intent on running out the door, but I lunge forward and seize her arm, stopping her. The sparks between us almost set me alight. Touching her winds me, as I’m reminded of the times when I devoured every inch of her skin.
But when a breathy whimper leaves her parted lips, I realize she’s not privy to the secret that we’re not blood. So I let her go because I don’t want her feeling ashamed for the attraction which still lingers between us.
“I am happy to see ye.” I finally speak, watching the way her body softens to my words. “I’m sorry. It’s just…a lot.”
She nods, lowering her eyes. “I know what you mean. I don’t know where to start.”
“Aye. It’s fucking weird,” I say, wishing I could be a little more articulate. “Ya look…good.”
I wanted to say beautiful, but it’s hardly appropriate.
“How are you? I mean…” She quickly covers her face with her palms, shaking her head. “I don’t know what I mean. Why is this so difficult?”
I understand how she’s feeling. I want to say so many things, but words escape me.
Stepping forward, I gently remove her hands so I can see her face. She allows me to touch her openly. I don’t let go of her hands. I can feel her pulse racing wildly on her wrist.
“It’s okay to be nervous. I’m nervous too.”
“You are?” she asks with a small smile. “You don’t look nervous.”
“How do I look then?”
She exhales deeply, her eyes filled with tears. “You look like you,” she confesses softly. “Why didn’t you want to see me? I wrote you hundreds of letters. I came to see you. But you just…forgot about me? Is that it? You couldn’t forgive me? What you said to me…you meant it?”
Her insecurity hurts me because she’s got it all wrong. I was forced to stay away from all of them to protect them. But it seems even though their safety was ensured, the pain I caused mentally has been far worse than I ever imagined.
Brushing over her knuckles, I reply, “I didn’t want to see ye in there. Not caged up like some animal. And I never forgot ya.”
A tear trickles down her cheek. “I’m sorry for everything. I thought I was doing the right t-thing.”
“Shh, it’s all right. We all made mistakes. How’s yer ma? Yer wee sister?”
She sniffs back her tears. “My mom is good. She’s been in remission for almost eight years. My sister isn’t so little anymore,” she says with a smile.
“Ach, I’m happy yer ma is all right.”
“She’s okay because of you, because of what you did. You went to prison for me. For all of us,” she says, squeezing my hands.
“I’m doin’ this so we’re even. But I don’t want to see ye again. No matter what ye did, ya lied to me, and now I have the deaths of my family on my hands. I cannot forgive ya. And ye shouldn’t forgive me.”
Those are the last words I spoke to her, yet she still sees me as the hero in this story.
“I’ve missed you…so much,” she declares in a whisper, ashamed. “A piece of me died when you left. I’ve been searching for it since you were gone—”
“I need to tell ya somethin’,” I interrupt, unable to stomach her pain a second longer. But what she says next changes everything forever.
“I met someone,” she blurts out, lowering her eyes. “I’m sorry. I just…we can’t be together. And…fuck. He’s a good man. I’m sorry, Punky. He makes me ha-happy.”
She throws herself into my arms, sobbing into my chest guiltily.
Her words play over and over in my mind as I try to digest what she shared.
“He’s a good man.”
Closing my eyes, I curse every fucking breath I take because I may as well be dead.
Holding her, I inhale her scent and commit it to memory because all I’ve ever wanted was her happiness. If this man can offer that to her, then I have to let her go.
“Don’t be sorry. Ya did what I wanted—ye lived. That’s all I ever wanted for ye. For ye to be happy.”
She cries, never letting me go as I console her, ignoring this pain in my chest. If I tell her what I know, what does that achieve? Babydoll is happy. I can never give her that when I don’t know what true happiness is.
All I can offer her is pain. All I represent is our past mistakes—a past paved with bloodshed and lies. She will think about that every time she looks at me.
I love her more than life itself, which is why I have to set her free. I will carry this secret to my grave and never burden her with a choice because if she believes we’re blood—they’ll be no choice to make. She’ll live a happy and safe life without me.
Connor’s dying words come back to haunt me.
“Yer a leader. Lead with the compassion yer ma gave ya. And rule with the cruelty I taught ya because it’s the only way to survive in our world.”
Love makes you weak. It allows you to be human. Babydoll is collateral, and I refuse to allow my selfish needs to put her in harm’s way ever again.
�
�I wish…”
“Come now, we can’t change what’s done,” I say, not wanting to hear what I desperately want in fear I’ll crack and tell her the truth. I won’t be that selfish.
This is Babydoll’s chance to live a life away from me and away from the shame she feels for what we did.
“I know,” she whispers, still holding me. “It’s good to have you home.”
“Home?” I question. “Ye live here now?”
She gently pulls away, brushing her hair from her cheeks. “No, but my…fiancé does.”
Fiancé?
I just accepted her seeing someone, but engaged to be married…fuck.
However, I smile even though I’m secretly dying inside. “He’s a lucky lad. I’m happy for youse.”
She nods but doesn’t seem to buy it either.
An uncomfortable silence wedges its way between us, and I suddenly can’t breathe. The thought of another man touching her…I want to break every bone in his fucking body.
Babydoll tilts her head as if attempting to decode my silence. I know for this to be convincing, I need to push her away. I can’t have her near me. She represents everything I want but can’t have.
“Thanks for stoppin’ by. But I need to organize a few things,” I say, giving her a not-so-subtle hint that our reunion is over.
She nods, quickly wiping away her tears. “Of course. I’m sorry. Once you get settled, maybe we can catch up?”
“Catch up on what?” I question, folding my arms across my chest.
A range of emotions are coursing through me right now, and at the forefront is the need to destroy everything within reach.
She blinks, appearing stunned by my bluntness.
“We just did that, did we not?”
“I…sure, whatever you w-want,” she replies, fumbling over her words. “It was good seeing you.”
“Aye. Say hi to yer boy for me.”
She narrows her eyes, sensing my sarcasm. We’re suddenly transported back ten years where Babydoll and I could go from love to hate in the same breath. Some things don’t change, and some do—like Babydoll being engaged.
She nods and appears to want to say something but decides against it at the last minute. “Goodbye, Punky.”