by Sarah Riad
‘Are you a smarty pants like India? I’m sure you do maths in your sleep.’
We all laughed gently as I had a mouthful of the beer. At first, I didn’t mind it but once I had gotten past the coolness, I was hit with the taste and felt my eye twitch.
‘It’s disgusting but you’ll get used to the taste,’ AB whispered again as I tried not to spit it back out and instead forced a smile and wondered if I could slip off to the bathroom to pour the rest of it down the sink.
‘No, not really but you know, I try. I’m hoping to get into a decent uni.’
‘Aren’t we all?’ one of them said, which was followed by collective nodding.
‘Not as hard as you thought, hey?’ AB whispered, and I could imagine her smug face smiling. She was right, but I wasn’t going to let her know that, plus, it could all still go wrong.
27
Ab
A few hours had passed since I had left Finn downstairs at the party. He had been his usual awkward self at first until he began to relax and realise the people weren’t actually too bad. The beers he had started to knock back were definitely helping too, as his confidence grew. He was chatting away to anyone that approached him, telling them about his swimming championships, debating which game was the best to play. Even Theo had come over to hang with him as they laughed together at their friends jokes.
It had been over an hour since he had last checked if I was still there, which was when I realised that he didn’t need me with him at the party anymore. He was fine. Plus, parties were not the same in 2018 as they were when I was alive. No one danced. Everyone seemed glued to their phones, taking pictures to post on their Face-page things, and when the picture didn’t look convincing enough that they were having tons of fun, they’d delete it and take another.
It was weird.
I headed up to the library with Mitzi at my side and started on the next Harry Potter book.
‘AB?’ Finn said, stumbling into the room, sometime later.
‘Are you drunk?’ I asked as he slowly made his way into the middle of the room.
‘No. You are!’ He laughed.
‘Sure, because that’s possible. Finn, I’m by the window on your right,’ I said talking to the back of his head.
He made his way over to the chair opposite me, sinking into it.
‘What happens when you drink?’ I watched as he tried in vain to pull away the cushion from underneath him before giving up and laughing to himself quietly.
‘It lands on the floor?’ I said, causing him to erupt into laughter. It wasn’t even funny, but I found his laugh contagious.
He brushed his hand through his hair before resting his head back.
‘You should be downstairs having fun.’ I protested but silently I was glad he had come to see me.
‘I am having fun. It’s my first ever house party, and I am drunk, alone with a girl, and it’s not even midnight. I’d say was doing pretty well.’ He laughed before the smile quickly disappeared from his face. ‘AB, I hate that I am so scared.’ He sighed and sat himself up, facing me.
‘What are you scared of?’ I watched him carefully.
‘All of it. The last time I did all this, I ended up getting beaten up by my best friend. Every time I think about trying to fit in again, I worry it’ll end up the way it did before. I watch Theo do it and he makes it seem so simple. The guy is popular wherever he goes but not once has he had someone do what was done to me. Is it bad that sometimes I wish someone did, just so he could see what it felt like?’
‘Finn, you can’t blame your brother for what happened to you. Wishing him to go through something similar won’t take away what happened to you. You need to stop comparing yourself and realise that being different from him isn’t a bad thing. We all worry about not being good enough. I did when I was alive, and I spent so much time worrying about it that in the end, I realised it got me nowhere. The problem was that I realised it too late, and before I knew it, my chance had gone. I will never get that back.’ I laid the book down onto my lap and sighed, ‘Finn, what Bradley did to you was wrong and he was a bad person but he was one person. Not everyone you meet will be like. Some people care about you with no hidden agenda. It’s up to you whether you believe me or not but if you don’t figure this out soon, you’ll end up being dictated by your own fear for the rest of your life.’
‘You’re smart,’ Finn said resting his head in his hands. ‘What are you going to do about your grandma?’
I sighed, feeling the familiar heavy ache in my chest. It wasn’t something I had forgotten but something I had tried to distract myself from with the party and Jack.
‘I don’t know. I want to see her so badly, but I don’t even know if she’ll even be able to see me. You can’t.’
Truth was, her ability to see me was the least of my problems. The likeliness of Finn being able to even get her here was slim at best. Chances were that she’d come, not be able to see or hear me, and think Finn was just trying to wind her up. That wasn’t fair, not to her or me. I had broken her heart once before. I couldn’t do it again.
‘But what if she can?’ His words fell into silence as we both stayed still for a few minutes. I watched him as he began to chew on his nail. My thoughts stayed occupied on my gran.
‘AB, tell me about your life before you died. Who was AB?’ He looked up at me as he leant his head back on the chair.
I smiled. ‘I was a lot like you—quiet at school, kept my head down and out of the way. I lived with my gran and so the other kids thought that was weird.’ I said, remembering the stupid names they called me but little did they know how lucky I was to have my gran.
‘No, I know this stuff.’ He shook his head and inched forward on the chair, ‘I want to know what you got up to? Like, what were your hobbies?’
‘I don’t know. I enjoyed so much. I had a plan that one day I was going to go and travel the world. Even as a kid, I would always be in the garden messing around and pretending I was on an adventure. Soon enough, once I grew older, I began to explore the parts of the town people tended to avoid, like the forest behind this house. Back then there were all kinds of animals roaming around—deer, foxes, all types of different birds—and I would trek through, envious that they could go wherever they wanted. There was this tree in the forest that I would always go to see after school that was so different from the others. Unlike the ordinary green-leafed trees around it, it was covered in pink buds.’ Before I could continue Finn had stumbled to his feet, tripping over his own laces but saving himself from falling.
‘I know that tree! I go there sometimes after school too,’ His eyes had lit up. ‘It just stands out and makes the other trees look so boring.’
‘Yeah, it does.’ I nodded, looking at the dimples in his cheeks as he smiled. It was amazing how two small dips in his cheeks made his face softer. This was the real Finn. ‘I guess it just shows that being the odd one out isn’t always a bad thing.’
‘AB?’ he whispered. ‘Did you ever have a boyfriend?’
The blush in his cheeks made me smile.
‘Yeah, I did. His name was Alex, and we were together for about three months before I passed away.’
His smile slowly faded away. ‘Did you love him?’
I closed my eyes and tried to remember his face—he’s boyish features that would always create small butterflies in my stomach. ‘I think so. He was so different to me and yet we had so much in common. He surprised me every day. Outside, he was the cool kid that immediately charmed everyone with his smile and good looks, but inside he was sweet and caring. He looked after his parents and would always look out for his brother even though he was younger than him.’
He smiled softly with eyes that looked heavy.
‘How did you know you loved him?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. It was lots of little things. I couldn’t wait to be with him, and when I was, I felt like I was in another world. He was the best part of my day and pushed me to do the th
ings I was scared to do. I felt like being with him made me feel more alive, somehow.’ I smiled but my chest felt heavy remembering Alex.
We went back to silence as I brushed my fingers along the spine of my book. The distant sound of the music and chatter was still coming from downstairs. I watched as Finn’s eyes began to close, unable to carry their weight anymore. I wanted to tell him I was proud of him for pushing past his boundaries and giving it a try, but I knew anything I said tonight might be all forgotten tomorrow. I’d wait for when his head was no longer spinning.
‘Finn, you should go to bed before you end up with a sore neck in the morning,’ I said whispering beside him, unsure I could carry him downstairs without causing people to leave screaming at the sight of a floating Finn.
‘AB?’ he mumbled.
‘Yeah?’ I listened to him breathe—each breath more shallow and relaxed than the last.
‘Thanks for always being there for me—it makes everything easier. I don’t know what I’d do without you now.’ He said.
I took several steps back away from him. ‘Sure. Always,’ I said feeling uneasy as I said the words out loud.
‘AB?’ he mumbled once again.
‘Yeah?’ He was too tired to notice but my reply was shaky.
‘I think I might love you,’ he whispered with his eyes still closed. The book in my hands fell to the ground in a loud thud, but Finn didn’t seem to notice.
What had he just said?
I was supposed to be helping him to exist in this world, and instead, he was telling a ghost he couldn’t see that he loved her.
He didn’t know what to do without me. I was making things worse. I was holding him back.
I knew at that moment that it was me that had outstayed my welcome.
28
Finn
Finn, come and find me!’ AB’s voice called out from the gaps of the trees that stood tall masking the cloudless sky.
I followed her voice unable to see her as I weaved between the trees in an attempt to see her.
‘Come on, slow coach.’ Her playful laugh rippled around me.
I picked up my pace and ran forwards as my footsteps on the dry leaves beneath my feet caused the only sounds in the forest.
‘Where are you?’ I whispered growing tired of the search. Each tree looked the same as its neighbour and as I scanned the forest, I could find no end in sight.
‘I’m by the tree,’ she said, laughing again.
‘What tree? There’s a million of them.’
‘The tree,’ she said whispering into my ear, but as I spun on my heel to look around, no one was there.
‘AB, stop messing around. Where are you?’ I had slowed down, trying to see through the gaps. ‘AB?’ I called again but this time all I could hear was her laugh moving away, further into the distance, until I saw the familiar pink tree surrounded by a blanket of pink buds on the floor.
I ran towards it, looking for AB, but I was alone. I couldn’t even hear her laugh in the distance anymore.
‘AB? Are you here?’ I called as I reached my arm up into the branches to see if the buds felt as soft as they looked.
‘I’ll always be here for you,’ a whisper met my ear causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand.
‘Why can’t I see you?’
‘Because...’ she whispered into my other ear.
‘Because?’ I sighed as I slid back against the tree and sat in the blanket of pink buds.
‘Because you’re not trying hard enough.’ She laughed before a handful of the buds sprung from the ground and fell into the air like confetti at a wedding.
‘What do you mean? You’re not making sense, AB.’
‘This is your dream, Finn. If you want to see me then give me a face.’ Her voice was back to my ear, now causing me to shiver slightly.
‘How can I give you a face when I don’t really know what you look like?’ I climbed to my feet and brushed the crushed buds off my hands.
‘It’s a dream—you can make me look however you want.’
‘But then it wouldn’t really be you.’
‘Who am I really, Finn? Am I even real?’ AB whispered into my ear before laughing into the distance. Her laugh was no longer as light as before and now felt malicious as though it was there to scare me.
‘You are real. You’re AB!’ I yelled as the cloudless sky suddenly became dark, and a chill crept up my spine. The forest was becoming darker, and the pink buds from the tree had all disappeared leaving only dry and empty branches. The trees around me were forming into one great blanket of darkness.
‘Who is AB?’ AB shouted into my ear causing me to jerk forward.
‘You’re Aubree Bennett, and I want to wake up now,’ I yelled as I opened my eyes to find myself back in my bedroom. I rubbed my face quickly noticing the sweat that had formed on my forehead.
Trying to relax, I laid back down, going over the details of my bizarre dream when I finally put two and two together.
‘Bennett…’ I whispered.
‘Morning sleepyhead,’ AB said from somewhere in the room as I sat back up. My head felt like it was being weighed down by a crate of bricks.
‘Why didn’t I think of that before?’ I said squinting my eyes from the bright light coming from the window. I looked down at my bed covers wondering how I made it to my own bed.
‘Why didn’t you think of what before?’ AB asked as I checked under my pillows for my phone.
‘AB, your surname is written in the shed with my surname,’ I said, finally finding my phone but growing frustrated that it was dead.
‘Yeah, I know. I was there when you told your mum,’ she said unfazed, and it confused me.
‘Well…?’
‘Well, what? I can’t ever remember going into that shed, and I definitely don’t recognise your surname,’ she said. ‘Davies, Davies, Davies…’
I rubbed my aching head, starting to feel my stomach churn. ‘What are doing?’ I asked, imagining her walking back and forth in the room with a finger tapping against her mouth.
‘I’m trying to think if I ever knew someone with the surname Davies.’
‘Why?’ I frowned.
‘Finn, are you still drunk? It was literally what we were just talking about—you know the shed—my surname and yours?’
‘AB, Davies is my mum’s surname,’ I said, waiting for the ball to drop.
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘AB, my mum and dad aren’t married. They’ve been engaged for about a million years, but they never got married.’
‘So, Davies isn’t your surname?’
I shook my head—regretting it as it felt like my brain was crashing to each side of my head causing my head to ache even more. ‘My surname is Montgomery.’
‘Oh my god,’ she said in a voice that made my stomach flip in fear.
‘What? Do you recognise it?’ I said forcing myself more upright, trying to ignore the constant pounding in my head.
I could hear her breath shake, not able to work out if she was crying or just scared.
‘Finn, a few days ago, your dad and I were alone in the house and he came up to my library,’ she said carefully.
‘Ok…’
‘It was after he had seen the drawing your mum had done of me. He was so angry and threw the picture across the room. He came to the library and started to touch the books before he spoke to me.’
‘What? He can see you? Can everyone but me see you?’ I sighed.
‘No, he can’t see or hear me, but he knows I’m here. He said it so himself and he told me to stay away from his family.’ The fear in her voice scared me.
I rubbed my face again, wishing I could shake off the feeling of fogginess so I could get to grips with what AB was saying.
‘How is it possible? I mean, I know I can hear you and Maia can see you but—wait, that explains why he has been so angry about Maia having her ‘imaginary’ friend.’
‘Finn…’ AB sighed, stopping me from th
inking out loud.
‘What?’
‘I knew from the moment your dad stepped into the house there was something not right. The way he always scans the room as though he is trying to look for me, the way he shouts at your mum for mentioning the word ‘ghost’ around him. Even when he lies to you all why you have this house—I didn’t recognise him, but I knew something wasn’t right.’
‘What’s going on, AB?’ I prompted her just before my bedroom swung open.
‘Finn, I owe you big time,’ Theo said looking as awful as I felt. ‘I’m almost certain the house is even tidier than when Mum left. Cheers, bro.’ He smiled as I tried to remember when I tidied up the house.
It must have been AB.
‘It’s fine, no worries,’ I said forcing a smile back, wanting him to leave the room so I could find out what AB knew.
‘I’m going to grab some breakfast with some friends,’ Theo paused for a moment, looking uncomfortable, ‘do you wanna come?’
AB was right, I must have still been drunk. There was no way Theo would ask me to go anywhere with him, let alone somewhere where his friends would also be. He stood at the door, waiting for me to reply.
‘Oh. No, thanks. First hangover and all that, probably best I stay in bed for a little longer,’ I said quickly, wondering if India would be there too.
Theo gently laughed. ‘No probs. I’ll pick you up something.’ He walked off, leaving me stunned for a moment.
‘Did you just see that? He asked me to hang out with his friends,’ I said to AB once the coast was clear. ‘AB? Have you gone?’
I sighed out loud, answering my own question as I threw my head back against the pillow. I hated when she did this. It wasn’t fair that she could just ‘disappear’ when she wanted to, especially when we were talking about something that involved my dad. No amount of walking around the house calling her name would make a difference when she could just choose to vanish. I was fast realising that being around her would always feel like I was constantly trying to clutch smoke.