What Kate said, unintentionally, was one hundred percent true: while we decided divorce was the best option, I had to consider Theo might have had an ulterior motive in hanging on to our situation as it was. And even if he didn’t, everything over the last six months or so had pointed me in the direction it was time. To let go of Theo, our life as it was. To let go of the past.
The muffled sounds of my family’s actions slipped under the door: the roll of the dice and Charlie’s sweet laughter. Every so often, Delia’s or Lexie’s tender voices projected my way. When I’d gotten back from the library, Lena agreed to stay while I rested. Instead of eating lunch, I’d crawled into bed, slept for a few hours, and then called Kate. And here I was, awake and ashamed to go out and face my family. Would my feelings show on my face? Or could I count on the fall to cover everything up? And if I relied on camouflage, wasn’t that the easy way out, again?
The attached bathroom served as a distraction, and I splashed cold water against my cheeks. In the mirror, my face looked drawn and tired, much the way Theo seemed most of the time. I blotted the water up with a towel, hung it back on the hook next to the sink, and opened the door. The smell of something delicious floated my way, and my stomach rumbled.
As I reached the kitchen, I looked over to the living area, where I presumed everyone would be stationed. In fact, due to the temperate weather, the whole family, save me, had moved to the front porch. The front door stood partially open, and all the familial sounds traveled through the metal screens to the kitchen, warming my insides. The large plate glass window gave me a perfect view of the entire family.
Charlie and Delia sat on the wicker arm chairs, while Theo, Lena, and Lexie lounged on the porch swing. Theo rested his left arm on the back of the swing, almost up against Lena’s shoulders, while she held onto Lexie, who had snuggled against Lena’s other side, thumb in her mouth, blanket to her cheek. A beautiful picture of a happy family. A family like I wanted again, and probably could have, if I had the courage to let go of the past and grab the future. The beating of my heart stuttered, and bile rose in my throat.
A knock sounded at the rear door off the kitchen. Tearing my gaze away from my family, I gathered my wits together, then wiped my hands on the kitchen towel and strode the few steps toward the door. A pit formed in my stomach. Andrew stood there on the back porch with a bright smile on his face and a paper grocery bag in his hands.
“Thought you guys might need help,” he said and walked toward me.
One beat, then two, and then without a word, I took the grocery bag from his hands and set it on the floor. Standing on tiptoe, I reached up, placed my hands on either side of Andrew’s smooth face, and pulled it toward mine.
Chapter 24: Sadie
The moment before our lips touched, Andrew pulled back and removed my hands from his face. “Sadie,” he said, shaking my hands between his. “You don’t want to do that.”
“Uh, yes, I do.” After pulling my hands from his, I wiped a stray tear from the corner of my eye.
“No, you don’t. And as much as I really want for you to do that—and I can’t tell you how much I want it—I didn’t come here for that,” Andrew said. He retreated a couple steps backward, giving me space, giving himself some. “Plus, you’re not even officially divorced, and I had no idea you came up here. When I went to see Mom about an hour ago, I heard the news.”
His words were both shocking and expected. He wanted to kiss me? Was he having the same struggle I experienced? If so, why hadn’t he said anything? Of course, he had mentioned he felt something for me as well, but this was Andrew we were talking about. The man people called an all-around good guy. A man who, evidenced by what just happened, seemed to have more morals than I did. But he was also a man who had trouble staying away from me. Was he a stalker?
“Are you stalking me? Because I find this a little creepy that you’d—”
He threw up his hands, palms facing me. “No! I swear I’m not stalking you. The first year I came up here, I ran into two families dressed in T-shirts from schools back in Kettering. I found it odd and surprising, but the norm around here. Lots of people from Ohio visit the lake. And I had no idea you knew of this place.”
I backed myself up toward the cabinet holding the cleaning supplies, and after a quick glance to make sure no one else had entered the house, leaned against the door. “I had no clue you knew about Walloon Lake, either. I swear. To be honest, we came here to get away from you. Or at least I did.” My gaze traveled up and down Andrew’s form. He looked as great as ever with a clean-shaven face and a sparkle in his eye matching his mother’s. “That didn’t sound right, did it?” I dipped to pick up the grocery bag and turned toward the kitchen. “I meant I came to get away...to find myself again.”
“I know what you meant. Here, let me take the bag for you.” Andrew—chivalrous as always—reached for the grocery bag, and I let him take it, which clearly invited him to come farther into the cottage. “Where is everyone else?”
“They’re out front. Had you come in that way, you’d have seen them.” I motioned for him to follow me, a second, bolder attempt to lure him inside, perhaps? What in the hell was I doing? Having Andrew and Theo in the house might not be the best idea I had ever come up with. So far, Andrew had only seen the kids. What would Theo think, and why didn’t Andrew say no and go away? Spider, fly. It was impossible to tell which roles we both played.
Andrew set the grocery bag on the granite counter and reached in, pulling out a carafe of orange juice, a sack of clementines, a bag each of flour and sugar, a pound of coffee, and a bottle of Tylenol, as well as an odd assortment of hard candies and my favorite chocolates. His purchases told the story of what he knew about me. My chest warmed.
A glance toward the living room window revealed everyone was still talking and laughing. “You can join them, I suppose. I’ll be heading out that way, eventually.” I waved my hand in the direction of Theo, Lena, and the kids and then snatched the paper grocery bag and folded it up before settling it between the wall and the refrigerator.
“Shouldn’t we address what almost just happened?” Andrew asked.
“We should.”
“You don’t sound convinced.” He lowered his voice and tipped his head. “You have no idea. No idea how much...I want...I’m tormented. When I first met you, there was something. I wasn’t sure what. And then, we kept meeting. And even though I knew you weren’t completely available...I don’t...oh fuck!” He punched his fist on the counter, let out a hiss from his lips, and flicked a quick look away from the kitchen. “I’m not getting this out properly, but you know what I’m trying to say.” Andrew closed his eyes and drew a deep breath in through his mouth.
“No. Yes. No. I mean, I know what almost happened back there at the door and why and what you’re trying to say. We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?” The smirk on my face as reflected in the small mirror above the stove revealed my error. “Wrong choice of words there, eh?” I laughed and went on. “Well, I won’t let it happen again, and I won’t let that almost-kiss happen again, either. I was wrong.”
I rubbed the back of my head, the part that had contacted the cabinet at the library. The bruised skin hurt when touched, but the pain grounded me and kept me moving forward in my quest to rid myself of this man. “But I’m going to be honest again here and tell you what needs to be done, which is this...” I looked him over from head to toe as I appreciated his whole being. His face, his arms, the way his eyes seemed to dance in the light of the day, the small dimple on his right cheek. Like a caffeine addict, I gulped one last, long sip of him and then continued. “I need to try and stay away from you.”
Andrew fell back against the counter as if my words electrocuted him and threw his hand over his heart. “Ouch, Sadie. Ouch.” Despite his wor
ds, the curve of his lips told me his ego hadn’t been harmed.
“Yeah. But that’s the truth. You and I both know it and based on that last action of mine there on the back porch, I can’t be trusted.” Here I was, falling into the same pattern of teasing and flirtation with Andrew, and it scared me. The slope was too slippery: either he had to go, or I did.
“I said it once already. We could be right, but I guess not right now, and I can see you’re serious, so I’ll go.” He pushed his body away from the counter but was careful to maintain adequate space between us. “I just wanted to check on you. Mom said you took quite the fall.”
“I did, but I’m okay.” The throbbing at the back of my head wrestled with the pain inside my heart, and I rubbed again at the injury to try and gain focus and relief. “By the way, how long will you be up here?” Extending the conversation with small talk was stupid; my fascination with Andrew bordered on obscene. Go home, Andrew, I thought. Make this job easier on me, please.
“I’m just here for a day or two. I have business over in East Jordan, so I thought I’d swing by and see Mom. I come up this way a few times throughout the year. This is a tough place to stay away from.” Andrew moved a few more paces toward the door. “And Mom hasn’t been the same since Henry died. I swear she talks to him still, as if he were right there with her.”
“Is that who she speaks to? I thought it was the dog, but the library doesn’t allow dogs, and she was speaking to someone as she headed to the break room.”
“Yeah, she says Henry’s with her much of the day. She loved my dad, but she and Henry had something special, magical almost.”
I imagined myself as old as Pickles, shuffling to and from work each day, chatting with my long-gone love. Theo? Or Andrew? Dampness settled in my eyes, again. I rubbed away the tears, not embarrassed but angry with my vulnerability. “Wow. What a love they must have had.”
“Sure did.” Andrew handed me a tissue from the box on the counter and then moved all the way to the door before looking back. “We’d all be so lucky to find a love like that.”
Andrew’s words—completely matter of fact—were in stark contrast to the look he gave me. The man needed to leave the cottage before my defenses crumbled, so I pulled open the door, a silent plea for him to exit. “Listen, I need to check on the kids. I’ll see you later, okay? I mean, I won’t see you later.”
Andrew flashed me a grin so bright and broad, it reached all the way to his eyes, across the intervening space, and snared me. He’s the spider.
“All right, I’m going. But if you need something, give me a shout.”
Leaving no time for me to answer, Andrew spun on his heel, pushed open the screen porch door, and left the way he’d come in. He hadn’t disturbed the happy family image that inhabited the cottage. But he had to guess our contentment and well-being had already been disturbed and life as we knew it was on the brink of breaking. Didn’t he?
Through the porch window I tracked his movements as he ambled down the driveway and up the modest hill at the end of the street. The sound of his whistling met my ears and drew me toward him like the Pied Piper had done with the rats. But I was better than a rat. At least that’s what I told myself.
“What ya looking at?” Theo, who’d taken off his outdoor shoes and replaced them with fleeced-lined moccasins, had come up behind me. Theo’s ability to be stealthy increased when he wore those slippers.
I turned around to face him and stopped. Had he seen me watching Andrew?
“You okay? You look like you need a hug,” he said and extended his arms.
It had been a long time since we exchanged such gestures, but I hesitantly stretched my arms around his mostly fit middle. The action felt off somehow, like my arms weren’t sure why or where they should go and were awaiting instructions. But within seconds, they’d found their groove, and I rested my head on his shoulder, trying to figure out how to answer his question.
“Just looking at the gorgeousness of this place and thinking how much I love it here.” My roundabout answer spoke the truth, but I hadn’t been honest either.
“It is gorgeous, isn’t it? I’m glad you introduced me. You missed lunch.” He pulled his head back to look me in the eyes. “How’s your head? Do you want to come out on the porch? The kids would love—”
The crunch of tires on the driveway pulled my attention toward the back porch, and I maneuvered out of Theo’s arms and peeked out the door.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. This can’t get any worse. What in the world is my mother doing here?” A tension hit my jaw, and I bit the inside of my cheek. Another conflict or another person to take care of was the last thing I needed.
“No clue. I didn’t tell her we were here. And I’m guessing you didn’t.”
He was right. Vacation away from everyone included my mother in that everyone. “No, no I did not. Does any of my life look like a bad Lifetime movie to you?” My question bounced off Theo, who leaned against the counter with a confused look on his face. I swung my glance back in the opposite direction to check if Mom had finished parking.
“What’s so bad about it?” Theo asked from behind me. “I mean, from where I’m standing, you have quite the life.”
His words struck a nerve, to the point they hurt, because Theo was right. Down deep, I understood. But I still floundered with so much. “If you only knew.” My voice ran thick with petulance, but the back of my head was not the only part of me that had taken a beating. My psyche was bruised and while helping it heal should take priority, I needed to find time to do that. With Mom around, I wasn’t sure I would.
“Then tell me,” Theo said as I twisted to look at him. His features—so uncharacteristically patient and composed—challenged me to be truthful, to open up and enlighten him. He was still a part of my life, a player in our unfortunate situation whether he wanted to be or not. He challenged me with his gaze. To tell him what was so wrong with my life. To tell him about Andrew, about what I wanted. My words might produce irreparable wounds, but it was time.
“Let me get my mom settled, and we’ll talk. I promise.” I reached out and touched his arm, hoping my gesture told him I would follow through with my promise. Then, I moved toward the door. My mother struggled with her seat belt; a long afternoon, it would be.
Chapter 25: Theo
Sadie’s mom had always been more than I wanted to handle, so speaking with Sadie likely wouldn’t occur until well after dinner. Maybe the kids would want to play a game or something in the meantime. The unseasonable weather continued today, and despite the early hour for a sunset, we’d have plenty of time for something fun. After slipping my shoes back on, I headed to the front porch. All three still lingered there: Delia on the swing with Lena, Lexie in the chair to the side of the swing. Charlie leaned against the porch railing, eyes closed, as if he was thinking hard.
The screen door creaked as I opened it, but only Lena looked up and smiled at me.
Delia thrust her finger toward her brother. “Dad! What’s he doing? What is Charlie doing?”
Charlie had always been kind and loving to his little sisters, but the look that passed across his face—full of scrunched-up nose and clenched teeth—said this wasn’t one of those times. But he had far more patience than I did.
“Can’t I have time to think?” His eyes remained closed.
“Sure,” Delia said. “But what are you thinking about?”
“Something.”
“Charlie, come on! You have to tell me! Lena!” Delia turned to Lena for help. “Charlie’s not telling me something, and I want to know what it is.
“What is it you want, sweetie?” Lena leaned down to take a decayed leaf from Lexie’s hands. Lena had learned tr
ash and other things always found their way into Lexie’s mouth.
“I want to know what he’s thinking.” Delia’s lack of true explanation—dead-on for a kid—caused Lena to smile. I snickered but cut it short as soon as she threw me a “better stop now” sort of look.
“Oh, honey.” Lena patted Delia on the hand. “We can’t always find out what someone else has in their mind. We’re allowed to have our own private thoughts, those we don’t have to share with anyone if we don’t want to. And these,” Lena held up the dry leaf and crumbled it between her fingers, “need to stay out of your sister’s hands. I might need help with that!”
Delia frowned, a huge scowl that this time made me laugh out loud, and crossed her arms over her chest. I folded my arms over my chest and crouched in front of her, making sure she saw me, and then grabbed her little belly, tickling her until she begged for mercy. Lexie howled and hopped up next to Lena while Charlie just stood there, looking shell-shocked after opening his eyes.
When Delia had had enough, I addressed Charlie. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Just thinking,” Charlie said.
I laughed. “Well you can do that better out in the backyard. Want to go play ball?”
“Soccer or baseball?” Charlie cocked his head and raised one eyebrow, an action not in my repertoire.
“Your pick. What do you say?”
He nodded his head. “Give me a minute to find the soccer ball, okay?” Then he glanced at Lexie and Delia and leaned in toward their small faces. “You will never know what I have inside here.” He tapped his temple with his index finger. “It’s all mine. Got it?”
The girls’ eyes widened, and Delia’s lower lip trembled until a bright smile broke across Charlie’s face. “Gotcha!” he said before backing away and pulling open the front door. “Meet you near the shed, Dad.”
Lena spoke quietly to the girls as I walked down the steps leading to the side yard, my back to them. “Let me tell you a thing or two about boys...”
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