by Cassie Beebe
He wasn’t sure the plain words sufficed, but Jenna’s eyes watered more heavily, and her jaw tightened as she slowly stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, laying her cheek against his chest. His breath stopped for a moment, surprised by the intimate contact. Before he could overthink it, he wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin lightly on the top of her head.
Forgiving him was one thing, but for her to willingly embrace him, to trust him with such closeness, was overwhelming. He could feel the emotion beginning to rise in his throat. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath to keep it at bay. The hug lasted longer than usual, but he didn’t pull away as he typically would. Instead, he savored the feeling of her hair tickling his neck, the firm warmth of her hands on the small of his back, and the smell of her coconut shampoo.
After a long, silent moment, Jenna sniffled, discreetly wiping the tears from her eyes, and stepped back from their embrace.
“Ready?” she asked in a thick voice that did little to mask her emotion.
Jacob simply nodded, afraid that his voice would crack if he tried to speak.
Jenna walked past him, leading the way down the path back to the parking lot.
The ride home was drastically different than the ride to the bar had been. The air was lighter, the music was louder, and a few times Jacob caught himself unsuccessfully holding back a smile. He tried not to stare at her, but there was still a part of him that wasn’t sure if this was real, that feeling that maybe if he looked away for too long, she would disappear.
“Oh!” Jenna exclaimed after nearly fifteen minutes of silence, aside from the pounding bass of the radio. Jacob jumped a little at the sudden sound. “Sorry. I just remembered, I forgot to tell you that I’m gonna be in town for Winter Break.”
“Oh,” Jacob replied, confused. “You’re not going home for Christmas?”
Jenna sighed. “No. Not this year,” she shook her head. “It’s just… I just feel like I need a break, you know?”
He didn’t. “A break?” he repeated, questioning.
She sighed again. “Look, I know my family means well,” she began. “Well… At least most of them do. But I just… I need some time, I think.”
“Ah,” he said, understanding.
“I guess I’m being kind of selfish,” she fretted.
“No,” Jacob objected, shaking his head. “No, it makes sense. Your family sounds like… a lot,” he said, recalling some of the comments she had made about them in the past, and she rolled her eyes at the understatement. “Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you.”
She smiled at his understanding. “Yeah,” she nodded. “But on the bright side… maybe we could spend Christmas together,” she casually suggested.
Jacob felt a pang of guilt. “Oh… um…,” he trailed off, trying to remember if his bus ticket and hotel reservation were non-refundable. “Actually… I was gonna spend the week in New York,” he said when he recalled that his travel plans couldn’t be cancelled.
“Oh,” she muttered, trying to hide her disappointment.
“It’s just that I promised the guys at Bellevue that I would visit, and I haven’t really had the time yet, so…,” he trailed off.
“No, of course,” she said, waving a dismissive hand and feigning a smile. “That sounds like fun. I hope you have a great time.”
Jacob couldn’t help but feel guilty for abandoning her, even though they hadn’t made any plans to spend the holiday together. Now that the option was available, however, he desperately wanted to spend the week with her, to make up for the lost weeks of his Jenna-less December. More than that, he was afraid that if he left her for too long, she might begin to rethink her newfound understanding of his past and decide that it was all too much for her to overcome. Thinking over his options, an idea arose.
“Hey, you should come with me,” he blurted out as soon as the thought crossed his mind.
Jenna scoffed at the spontaneous invitation, laughing it off.
“No, I’m serious,” Jacob continued, turning sideways in his seat to capture her attention. “I mean, you’ve never been to New York, and I don’t really want to spend Christmas alone for the millionth time,” he explained. “Why not?”
She bit her lip and shook her head. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t have any money…,” she trailed off, considering.
“Eh, don’t worry about that. I’ll take care of it.”
“What?” she exclaimed. “No, Jacob, I’m not gonna let you pay for me to go on vacation.” She scoffed at the notion.
“I’m not paying for you to go on vacation,” he corrected, taking a different approach that would be tougher for her to object to. “I’m paying for me to not be alone for Christmas.”
Jenna snorted. “Well, you sure do know how to make a girl feel like a prostitute,” she teased.
Jacob returned her laugh, internally beaming at the return of her old typical sass. Taking note of the deliberation in her eyes, however, it occurred to him that there might be some valid reasons that she wouldn’t want to spend the week alone with him, reasons she might not want to share for fear of hurting his feelings. He didn’t want to pressure her, so he sat back in his seat and tried to appear more nonchalant about the proposal.
“Look, if you don’t want to go, that’s totally fine,” he said. “I know it’s pretty last minute, but it would be a lot more fun if you were there.”
She stared ahead at the dark road as she considered his offer. “When are you leaving?” she asked.
“In the morning,” he said. “And… in order to get to Bellevue before visiting hours end, we’d have to leave by like… six,” he cringed at the word, gauging her response.
Her eyes widened, glancing at the clock on the dashboard that now read 1:24am.
“Actually, I was planning to leave at five, since I was gonna take the bus,” he continued. “But I’m assuming if you came, you could drive?”
“Well, there’s no way in hell I’m getting up before five, so yeah, I can drive,” she answered.
Jacob grinned. “Is that a yes?” he asked hopefully.
Jenna chewed on her bottom lip as she deliberated. He was surprised she hadn’t broken the skin yet. “So… we would be going to the… institution?”
It was a simple question, but Jacob read between the lines and understood what she was really asking. “Only if you want to,” he answered gently. “If you don’t, we can check you into the hotel first, and I can take the subway. Or you could just wait for me in the parking lot, if you’d prefer that.”
Jenna nodded, letting out a breath.
“Okay,” she said.
“Yeah?” he grinned.
She smirked in response. “Yeah, why not? Let’s do it.”
“I wonder if the front desk would be open right now,” he mused, checking the clock on the dashboard. He flipped open his cell phone, squinting at the bright screen. “I should call and add another room.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” she shook her head. “That would be crazy expensive. I don’t mind sharing a room.”
“Are you sure?”
She shrugged. “As long as there are two beds, I’m good if you are.”
“Okay,” he said, closing his phone and returning it to his pocket. “I’ll double check the reservation in the morning, but I’m pretty sure it said two queens.”
“Cool,” Jenna smiled. “I can’t believe I’m finally going to New York.”
He smirked, echoing her enthusiasm.
Once they reached campus, they parted ways at the stairwell, planning to meet in the lobby the next morning at 6am sharp.
Jacob fell into bed as soon as he stepped through the door. He let out a sigh as all his worries from the past several weeks slipped away and hope replaced them. Quickly, without even the aid of pills or breathing exercises, he fell into a deep sleep.
“OKAY, THIS IS LIKE… crushing my soul,” Jacob winced, reaching for the radio dial.
Jenna laughed. “Not a pop fan, huh?”
“Apparently not,” he replied, flipping through radio stations to find something more appealing.
They had been on the road for a couple hours, the first of which were mostly silent as they both sipped the coffee they picked up on the way out of town and struggled to fully wake up after the long previous evening. Jenna had turned on the radio, settling on something upbeat to keep her eyes from drifting shut as she focused on the road.
It had been long enough now, though, that they were both fully alert, so Jacob settled on a station playing a soft, classical jazz number. He sat back in his seat, hoping the superficial lyrics of the pop nonsense would soon stop repeating in his mind on an endless loop.
“Huh,” Jenna muttered, and he looked at her.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she shrugged. “I just didn’t peg you for a classic jazz kinda guy.”
He gave her a wry smirk. “Well, there’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
She raised her eyebrows at the road. “That’s… frighteningly true.”
His smirk faded.
Things weren’t fully back to normal, yet. He could feel how much of a leap of faith this trip was for her. The distance between them was still tangible at times, but the fact that she was even willing to give him another chance at all was more than he had hoped for.
“So… you’re a rock fan, right?” he asked, changing the subject as he flipped through the CDs in the case from the console between them. “Is that the kind of style you usually sing?”
“Yeah, mostly,” she answered. “That song I played at the bar was pretty different than my usual stuff.”
“Who’s your inspiration?”
“Oh, gosh. Probably…,” she squinted at the road, thinking. “Joan Jett, I guess.”
“Ooh, good choice.”
She glanced at him briefly in surprise. “You like Joan Jett?”
“Are you kidding?” he scoffed. “Summer Blues, Crimson and Clover? I mean, I’m not insane,” he chuckled.
“Well, that’s debatable,” she quipped.
It would have stung if it weren’t for the subtle smirk on her lips. “Wow,” he shook his head in mock disappointment. “That’s hilarious. Are you proud of yourself?”
She giggled. “A little.”
He laughed, thinking that joking about it was probably a good sign.
“You know, I’ve yet to meet a single person on our campus who even knows who Joan Jett is,” she said with a frown. “I mean, they’ve all heard some version of ‘I Love Rock and Roll,’ but that’s about it.”
“That’s because most of our classmates aren’t even old enough to drink. Well, legally, at least. They don’t know good music. They’re too busy listening to…,” he waved his hand dismissively, but stopped when he realized he had no clue what “kids these days” were listening to.
Jenna looked over at his concentrated expression, stifling a grin at the effort of him trying to come up with a modern band.
“Is Britney Spears still doing stuff?” he asked.
She burst into a fit of laughter, and he took that as a “no.”
“Alright, alright,” he chuckled at himself. “You know what I mean.”
“Are you even from this century?” she asked. “Like, are you sure you didn’t travel here in a big, blue box with a strange man?”
His eyebrows scrunched together. “What?”
“Never mind,” she said, still snorting. “But you’re right. I guess I should hang out with old guys more often.”
His eyebrows shot up as she began another round of laughter at his expense.
“Well, somebody woke up on the sassy side of the bed,” he commented. “You know, I’m not that much older than you. Joan Jett was more my mom’s era than mine. But I was really close to my mom, so her taste rubbed off on me.”
“Hm,” Jenna mused, her giggling dying down.
She focused on driving for a minute, passing a slow semi-truck and stretching out her stiff legs. They listened to the music for a few minutes, the new song more bouncy than the last.
“That must have been hard,” she said, and it took him a moment to catch up to her train of thought. “When she died, I mean.”
“Oh,” he said, understanding. “Yeah, it was.”
There was another short silence.
“How old were you again?”
“Fifteen.”
She took a breath. “Why did she do it?” she asked. Then, shaking her head at herself, she added, “I mean, am I even allowed to ask that, or…?”
“Jenna, I told you, you can ask me anything,” he said, happy to know she at least felt comfortable enough to voice a difficult question. He took in a deep breath and let it out, resting his arm on the window as he looked out at the passing fields.
“My mom had a lot of problems. My dad was one of them, heroin was another. But she was also depressed a lot of the time. Anxious. Now that I think about it, she probably had a lot of the same problems I did,” he said, realizing the truth of that for the first time. “The only difference is that I got help and she didn’t.”
“So…,” Jenna started, choosing her phrasing carefully. “What… problems do you have?”
He smirked at her uncomfortable wording. It was an awkward question, no matter how you phrased it. “Well, I’m bipolar. And I have something called a ‘general personality disorder,’ which, in my case, is basically just a fancy way to say that I lack impulse control,” he explained. “And when I was diagnosed, they also said I had PTSD and haphephobia.”
“What’s –”
“Haphephobia is the fear of being touched,” he clarified.
“Oh,” she nodded processing that.
“But don’t worry, I’m past that now,” he said, not wanting her to feel guilty for all the times she crossed beyond the boundaries of personal space. “And the PTSD, for the most part.”
“What caused that?”
He wasn’t sure if she meant the PTSD or the haphephobia, but he decided to answer the one he was willing to share. “Well, they say the abuse from my dad was probably a factor. But my mother’s death is what really triggered it. I used to have these really… vivid nightmares about it.” He shuddered at the memory. “But now, with therapy and some pretty heavy-duty sleeping pills, I’m pretty much over that. Thank God.”
Her eyebrows pulled together in concern, keeping her eyes on the road.
“Do you have to take them every night?” she asked.
“Well, technically, my therapist kind of told me I could stop taking them anytime I want, to see if I still need them, but… I don’t know,” he shook his head. “I guess I just haven’t been ready to try it yet.”
“That’s understandable,” Jenna nodded.
“Did you ever have to take anything?” he wondered. “After Tom?”
Her head turned at the name, still not used to someone else knowing about her past.
“I was on Zoloft for a while,” she said. “But it made me really foggy.”
“Ugh, same,” he groaned. “I was a zombie before they switched me to something else.”
“Me, too, but I never switched to anything else. I just dealt with it for a while, and now I don’t really need them anymore,” she shrugged.
He smiled at her progress. “That’s amazing.”
She glanced over at him, a smile forming on her own face as she thought about that more deeply. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
“Man,” he muttered, thinking about how freeing this all was, having everything out in the open. “We should have talked about this stuff a long time ago.”
She gave him a light chuckle of agreement.
They set aside the serious conversations and spent the rest of the trip bonding over music, food, and playing various car games to pass the time. He found that he was too out of touch with the world for 20 Questions, as he rarely knew the person she chose, even after she explained who it was. Eventually, they
decided to narrow it down to places or things, rather than people, to give him a better chance of guessing correctly.
Once they got close to the city, they pulled off the freeway to gas up, get some snacks, and switch places. Since she had never been to New York, they both figured it would be easier for him to deal with the traffic while she navigated the map on her phone.
He asked her if she wanted him to drop her off at the hotel before he headed to Bellevue, but she said she wanted to come with him. The idea made his stomach do wild flips, whether from flattery or nerves, he wasn’t sure.
On the one hand, he was happy to know she was comfortable enough with the idea of meeting his friends and seeing the place he had spent the last eight years of his life. On the other hand, however, he wasn’t sure how she would handle the environment, and as they got closer to their destination, he grew more and more concerned about his friends meeting her. Especially Mikey.
“Hey, so… I was thinking about something…,” he trailed off, still trying to decide if it was a good idea or not.
“Do tell,” she prodded when he didn’t continue, propping her bare feet on the dashboard.
“Um… well… it’s just that a lot of the guys at Bellevue can be a little…,” he cringed, trying to think of the appropriate word. It didn’t come to him, so he got to the point. “I was thinking that maybe I could introduce you as my girlfriend.”
He kept his eyes on the road, but he could feel her looking at him.
“I mean, I know we’re not…,” he trailed off. “It’s just that I don’t want you to have to spend the whole night warding off pick-up lines from a bunch of guys who haven’t seen a girl their age in years.”
“Oh,” she said, considering the offer.
It was a long moment of no response, so he added, “I just want you to be comfortable. So, whatever would help with that the most….”
After another lengthy silence, she said, “Sure. That sounds fine.”
“Yeah?” he asked, allowing himself a quick peek at her expression in between lane changes.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “It’d probably be easier.”