Chapter I. Malaga.
During all these long and noisy debates between the opposite ambitionsof politics and love, one of our characters, perhaps the one leastdeserving of neglect, was, however, very much neglected, very muchforgotten, and exceedingly unhappy. In fact, D'Artagnan--D'Artagnan,we say, for we must call him by his name, to remind our readers of hisexistence--D'Artagnan, we repeat, had absolutely nothing whatever to do,amidst these brilliant butterflies of fashion. After following the kingduring two whole days at Fontainebleau, and critically observingthe various pastoral fancies and heroi-comic transformations of hissovereign, the musketeer felt that he needed something more than this tosatisfy the cravings of his nature. At every moment assailed bypeople asking him, "How do you think this costume suits me, Monsieurd'Artagnan?" he would reply to them in quiet, sarcastic tones, "Why,I think you are quite as well-dressed as the best-dressed monkey tobe found in the fair at Saint-Laurent." It was just such a complimentD'Artagnan would choose where he did not feel disposed to pay any other:and, whether agreeable or not, the inquirer was obliged to be satisfiedwith it. Whenever any one asked him, "How do you intend to dressyourself this evening?" he replied, "I shall undress myself;" at whichthe ladies all laughed, and a few of them blushed. But after a coupleof days passed in this manner, the musketeer, perceiving that nothingserious was likely to arise which would concern him, and that the kinghad completely, or, at least, appeared to have completely forgottenParis, Saint-Mande, and Belle-Isle--that M. Colbert's mind was occupiedwith illuminations and fireworks--that for the next month, at least,the ladies had plenty of glances to bestow, and also to receive inexchange--D'Artagnan asked the king for leave of absence for a matter ofprivate business. At the moment D'Artagnan made his request, his majestywas on the point of going to bed, quite exhausted from dancing.
"You wish to leave me, Monsieur d'Artagnan?" inquired the king, with anair of astonishment; for Louis XIV. could never understand why any onewho had the distinguished honor of being near him could wish to leavehim.
"Sire," said D'Artagnan, "I leave you simply because I am not of theslightest service to you in anything. Ah! if I could only hold thebalancing-pole while you were dancing, it would be a very differentaffair."
"But, my dear Monsieur d'Artagnan," said the king, gravely, "peopledance without balancing-poles."
"Ah! indeed," said the musketeer, continuing his imperceptible tone ofirony, "I had no idea such a thing was possible."
"You have not seen me dance, then?" inquired the king.
"Yes; but I always thought dancers went from easy to difficult acrobaticfeats. I was mistaken; all the more greater reason, therefore, that Ishould leave for a time. Sire, I repeat, you have no present occasionfor my services; besides, if your majesty should have any need of me,you would know where to find me."
"Very well," said the king, and he granted him leave of absence.
We shall not look for D'Artagnan, therefore, at Fontainebleau, for to doso would be useless; but, with the permission of our readers, follow himto the Rue des Lombards, where he was located at the sign of the Pilond'Or, in the house of our old friend Planchet. It was about eighto'clock in the evening, and the weather was exceedingly warm; therewas only one window open, and that one belonging to a room on the_entresol_. A perfume of spices, mingled with another perfume lessexotic, but more penetrating, namely, that which arose from the street,ascended to salute the nostrils of the musketeer. D'Artagnan, recliningin an immense straight-backed chair, with his legs not stretched out,but simply placed upon a stool, formed an angle of the most obtuse formthat could possibly be seen. Both his arms were crossed over his head,his head reclining upon his left shoulder, like Alexander the Great.His eyes, usually so quick and intelligent in their expression, werenow half-closed, and seemed fastened, as it were, upon a small corner ofblue sky that was visible behind the opening of the chimneys; there wasjust enough blue, and no more, to fill one of the sacks of lentils, orharicots, which formed the principal furniture of the shop on theground floor. Thus extended at his ease, and sheltered in his place ofobservation behind the window, D'Artagnan seemed as if he had ceasedto be a soldier, as if he were no longer an officer belonging to thepalace, but was, on the contrary, a quiet, easy-going citizen in a stateof stagnation between his dinner and supper, or between his supper andhis bed; one of those strong, ossified brains, which have no more roomfor a single idea, so fiercely does animal matter keep watch at thedoors of intelligence, narrowly inspecting the contraband trade whichmight result from the introduction into the brain of a symptom ofthought. We have already said night was closing in, the shops were beinglighted, while the windows of the upper apartments were being closed,and the rhythmic steps of a patrol of soldiers forming the night watchcould be heard retreating. D'Artagnan continued, however, to thinkof nothing, except the blue corner of the sky. A few paces from him,completely in the shade, lying on his stomach, upon a sack of Indiancorn, was Planchet, with both his arms under his chin, and his eyesfixed on D'Artagnan, who was either thinking, dreaming, or sleeping,with his eyes open. Planchet had been watching him for a tolerably longtime, and, by way of interruption, he began by exclaiming, "Hum! hum!"But D'Artagnan did not stir. Planchet then saw that it was necessaryto have recourse to more effectual means still: after a prolongedreflection on the subject, the most ingenious means that suggesteditself to him under the present circumstances, was to let himself rolloff the sack on to the floor, murmuring, at the same time, againsthimself, the word "stupid." But, notwithstanding the noise producedby Planchet's fall, D'Artagnan, who had in the course of his existenceheard many other, and very different falls, did not appear to pay theleast attention to the present one. Besides, an enormous cart, ladenwith stones, passing from the Rue Saint-Mederic, absorbed, in the noiseof its wheels, the noise of Planchet's tumble. And yet Planchet fanciedthat, in token of tacit approval, he saw him imperceptibly smile at theword "stupid." This emboldened him to say, "Are you asleep, Monsieurd'Artagnan?"
"No, Planchet, I am not _even_ asleep," replied the musketeer.
"I am in despair," said Planchet, "to hear such a word as _even_."
"Well, and why not; is it not a grammatical word, Monsieur Planchet?"
"Of course, Monsieur d'Artagnan."
"Well!"
"Well, then, the word distresses me beyond measure."
"Tell me why you are distressed, Planchet," said D'Artagnan.
"If you say that you are not _even_ asleep, it is as much as to say thatyou have not even the consolation of being able to sleep; or, betterstill, it is precisely the same as telling me that you are getting boredto death."
"Planchet, you know that I am never bored."
"Except to-day, and the day before yesterday."
"Bah!"
"Monsieur d'Artagnan, it is a week since you returned here fromFontainebleau; in other words, you have no longer your orders to issue,or your men to review and maneuver. You need the sound of guns, drums,and all that din and confusion; I, who have myself carried a musket, caneasily believe that."
"Planchet," replied D'Artagnan, "I assure you I am not bored in theleast in the world."
"In that case, what are you doing, lying there, as if you were dead?"
"My dear Planchet, there was, once upon a time, at the siege of LaRochelle, when I was there, when you were there, when we both werethere, a certain Arab, who was celebrated for the manner in which headjusted culverins. He was a clever fellow, although of a very oddcomplexion, which was the same color as your olives. Well, this Arab,whenever he had done eating or working, used to sit down to resthimself, as I am resting myself now, and smoked I cannot tell youwhat sort of magical leaves, in a large amber-mouthed tube; and if anyofficers, happening to pass, reproached him for being always asleep, heused quietly to reply: 'Better to sit down than to stand up, to liedown than to sit down, to be dead than to lie down.' He was an acutelymelancholy Arab, and I remember him perfectly well, form the color ofhis skin, and the style of his conversation.
He used to cut off theheads of Protestants with the most singular gusto!"
"Precisely; and then used to embalm them, when they were worth thetrouble; and when he was thus engaged with his herbs and plants abouthim, he looked like a basket-maker making baskets."
"You are quite right, Planchet, he did."
"Oh! I can remember things very well, at times!"
"I have no doubt of it; but what do you think of his mode of reasoning?"
"I think it good in one sense, but very stupid in another."
"Expound your meaning, M. Planchet."
"Well, monsieur, in point of fact, then, 'better to sit down than tostand up,' is plain enough, especially when one may be fatigued," andPlanchet smiled in a roguish way; "as for 'better to be lying down,'let that pass, but as for the last proposition, that it is 'better tobe dead than alive,' it is, in my opinion, very absurd, my own undoubtedpreference being for my bed; and if you are not of my opinion, it issimply, as I have already had the honor of telling you, because you areboring yourself to death."
"Planchet, do you know M. La Fontaine?"
"The chemist at the corner of the Rue Saint-Mederic?"
"No, the writer of fables."
"Oh! _Maitre Corbeau!_"
"Exactly; well, then, I am like his hare."
"He has got a hare also, then?"
"He has all sorts of animals."
"Well, what does his hare do, then?"
"M. La Fontaine's hare thinks."
"Ah, ah!"
"Planchet, I am like that hare--I am thinking."
"You are thinking, you say?" said Planchet, uneasily.
"Yes; your house is dull enough to drive people to think; you will admitthat, I hope."
"And yet, monsieur, you have a look-out upon the street."
"Yes; and wonderfully interesting that is, of course."
"But it is no less true, monsieur, that, if you were living at the backof the house, you would bore yourself--I mean, you would think--morethan ever."
"Upon my word, Planchet, I hardly know that."
"Still," said the grocer, "if your reflections are at all like thosewhich led you to restore King Charles II.--" and Planchet finished by alittle laugh which was not without its meaning.
"Ah! Planchet, my friend," returned D'Artagnan, "you are gettingambitious."
"Is there no other king to be restored, M. d'Artagnan--no second Monk tobe packed up, like a salted hog, in a deal box?"
"No, my dear Planchet; all the kings are seated on their respectivethrones; less comfortably so, perhaps, than I am upon this chair; but,at all events, there they are." And D'Artagnan sighed deeply.
"Monsieur d'Artagnan," said Planchet, "you are making me very uneasy."
"You are very good, Planchet."
"I begin to suspect something."
"What is it?"
"Monsieur d'Artagnan, you are getting thin."
"Oh!" said D'Artagnan, striking his chest which sounded like an emptycuirass, "it is impossible, Planchet."
"Ah!" said Planchet, slightly overcome; "if you were to get thin in myhouse--"
"Well?"
"I should do something rash."
"What would you do? Tell me."
"I should look out for the man who was the cause of all your anxieties."
"Ah! according to your account, I am anxious now."
"Yes, you are anxious; and you are getting thin, visibly getting thin._Malaga!_ if you go on getting thin, in this way, I will take my swordin my hand, and go straight to M. d'Herblay, and have it out with him."
"What!" said M. d'Artagnan, starting in his chair; "what's that you say?And what has M. d'Herblay's name to do with your groceries?"
"Just as you please. Get angry if you like, or call me names, if youprefer it; but, the deuce is in it. _I know what I know_."
D'Artagnan had, during this second outburst of Planchet's, so placedhimself as not to lose a single look of his face; that is, he sat withboth his hands resting on both his knees, and his head stretched outtowards the grocer. "Come, explain yourself," he said, "and tell mehow you could possibly utter such a blasphemy. M. d'Herblay, your oldmaster, my friend, an ecclesiastic, a musketeer turned bishop--do youmean to say you would raise your sword against him, Planchet?"
"I could raise my sword against my own father, when I see you in such astate as you are now."
"M. d'Herblay, a gentleman!"
"It's all the same to me whether he's a gentleman or not. He gives youthe blue devils, that is all I know. And the blue devils make peopleget thin. _Malaga!_ I have no notion of M. d'Artagnan leaving my housethinner than when he entered it."
"How does he give me the blue devils, as you call it? Come, explain,explain."
"You have had the nightmare during the last three nights."
"I?"
"Yes, you; and in your nightmare you called out, several times, 'Aramis,deceitful Aramis!'"
"Ah! I said that, did I?" murmured D'Artagnan, uneasily.
"Yes, those very words, upon my honor."
"Well, what else? You know the saying, Planchet, 'dreams go bycontraries.'"
"Not so; for every time, during the last three days, when you went out,you have not once failed to ask me, on your return, 'Have you seenM. d'Herblay?' or else 'Have you received any letters for me from M.d'Herblay?'"
"Well, it is very natural I should take an interest in my old friend,"said D'Artagnan.
"Of course; but not to such an extent as to get thin on that account."
"Planchet, I'll get fatter; I give you my word of honor I will."
"Very well, monsieur, I accept it; for I know that when you give yourword of honor, it is sacred."
"I will not dream of Aramis any more; and I will never ask you againif there are any letters from M. d'Herblay; but on condition that youexplain one thing to me."
"Tell me what it is, monsieur?"
"I am a great observer; and just now you made use of a very singularoath, which is unusual for you."
"You mean _Malaga!_ I suppose?"
"Precisely."
"It is the oath I have used ever since I have been a grocer."
"Very proper, too; it is the name of a dried grape, or raisin, Ibelieve?"
"It is my most ferocious oath; when I have once said _Malaga!_ I am aman no longer."
"Still, I never knew you use that oath before."
"Very likely not, monsieur. I had a present made me of it," saidPlanchet; and, as he pronounced these words, he winked his eye with acunning expression, which thoroughly awakened D'Artagnan's attention.
"Come, come, M. Planchet."
"Why, I am not like you, monsieur," said Planchet. "I don't pass my lifein thinking."
"You do wrong, then."
"I mean in boring myself to death. We have but a very short time tolive--why not make the best of it?"
"You are an Epicurean philosopher, I begin to think, Planchet."
"Why not? My hand is still as steady as ever; I can write, and can weighout my sugar and spices; my foot is firm; I can dance and walk about; mystomach has its teeth still, for I eat and digest very well; my heart isnot quite hardened. Well, monsieur?"
"Well, what, Planchet?"
"Why, you see--" said the grocer, rubbing his hands together.
D'Artagnan crossed one leg over the other, and said, "Planchet, myfriend, I am unnerved with extreme surprise; for you are revealingyourself to me under a perfectly new light."
Planchet, flattered in the highest degree by this remark, continued torub his hands very hard together. "Ah, ah," he said, "because I happento be only slow, you think me, perhaps, a positive fool."
"Very good, Planchet; very well reasoned."
"Follow my idea, monsieur, if you please. I said to myself," continuedPlanchet, "that, without enjoyment, there is no happiness on thisearth."
"Quite true, what you say, Planchet," interrupted D'Artagnan.
"At all events, if we cannot obtain pleasure--for pleasure is not soc
ommon a thing, after all--let us, at least, get consolations of somekind or another."
"And so you console yourself?"
"Exactly so."
"Tell me how you console yourself."
"I put on a buckler for the purpose of confronting _ennui_. I place mytime at the direction of patience; and on the very eve of feeling I amgoing to get bored, I amuse myself."
"And you don't find any difficulty in that?"
"None."
"And you found it out quite by yourself?"
"Quite so."
"It is miraculous."
"What do you say?"
"I say, that your philosophy is not to be matched in the Christian orpagan world, in modern days or in antiquity!"
"You think so?--follow my example, then."
"It is a very tempting one."
"Do as I do."
"I could not wish for anything better; but all minds are not of the samestamp; and it might possibly happen that if I were required to amusemyself in the manner you do, I should bore myself horribly."
"Bah! at least try first."
"Well, tell me what you do."
"Have you observed that I leave home occasionally?"
"Yes."
"In any particular way?"
"Periodically."
"That's the very thing. You have noticed it, then?"
"My dear Planchet, you must understand that when people see each otherevery day, and one of the two absents himself, the other misses him. Doyou not feel the want of my society when I am in the country?"
"Prodigiously; that is to say, I feel like a body without a soul."
"That being understood then, proceed."
"What are the periods when I absent myself?"
"On the fifteenth and thirtieth of every month."
"And I remain away?"
"Sometimes two, sometimes three, and sometimes four days at a time."
"Have you ever given it a thought, why I was absent?"
"To look after your debts, I suppose."
"And when I returned, how did you think I looked, as far as my face wasconcerned?"
"Exceedingly self-satisfied."
"You admit, you say, that I always look satisfied. And what have youattributed my satisfaction to?"
"That your business was going on very well; that your purchases of rice,prunes, raw sugar, dried apples, pears, and treacle were advantageous.You were always very picturesque in your notions and ideas, Planchet;and I was not in the slightest degree surprised to find you had selectedgrocery as an occupation, which is of all trades the most varied, andthe very pleasantest, as far as the character is concerned; inasmuch asone handles so many natural and perfumed productions."
"Perfectly true, monsieur; but you are very greatly mistaken."
"In what way?"
"In thinking that I leave here every fortnight, to collect my money orto make purchases. Ho, ho! how could you possibly have thought sucha thing? Ho, ho, ho!" And Planchet began to laugh in a manner thatinspired D'Artagnan with very serious misgivings as to his sanity.
"I confess," said the musketeer, "that I do not precisely catch yourmeaning."
"Very true, monsieur."
"What do you mean by 'very true'?"
"It must be true, since you say it; but pray, be assured that it in noway lessens my opinion of you."
"Ah, that is lucky."
"No; you are a man of genius; and whenever the question happens to beof war, tactics, surprises, or good honest blows to be dealt with, why,kings are marionettes, compared to you. But for the consolations of themind, the proper care of the body, the agreeable things of like, if onemay say so--ah! monsieur, don't talk to me about men of genius; they arenothing short of executioners."
"Good," said D'Artagnan, really fidgety with curiosity, "upon my wordyou interest me in the highest degree."
"You feel already less bored than you did just now, do you not?"
"I was not bored; yet since you have been talking to me, I feel moreanimated."
"Very good, then; that is not a bad beginning. I will cure you, relyupon that."
"There is nothing I should like better."
"Will you let me try, then?"
"Immediately, if you like."
"Very well. Have you any horses here?"
"Yes; ten, twenty, thirty."
"Oh, there is no occasion for so many as that, two will be quitesufficient."
"They are quite at your disposal, Planchet."
"Very good; then I shall carry you off with me."
"When?"
"To-morrow."
"Where?"
"Ah, you are asking too much."
"You will admit, however, that it is important I should know where I amgoing."
"Do you like the country?"
"Only moderately, Planchet."
"In that case you like town better?"
"That is as may be."
"Very well; I am going to take you to a place, half town and halfcountry."
"Good."
"To a place where I am sure you will amuse yourself."
"Is it possible?"
"Yes; and more wonderful still, to a place from which you have justreturned for the purpose only, it would seem, of getting bored here."
"It is to Fontainebleau you are going, then?"
"Exactly; to Fontainebleau."
"And, in Heaven's name, what are you going to do at Fontainebleau?"
Planchet answered D'Artagnan by a wink full of sly humor.
"You have some property there, you rascal."
"Oh, a very paltry affair; a little bit of a house--nothing more."
"I understand you."
"But it is tolerable enough, after all."
"I am going to Planchet's country-seat!" exclaimed D'Artagnan.
"Whenever you like."
"Did we not fix to-morrow?"
"Let us say to-morrow, if you like; and then, besides, to-morrow is the14th, that is to say, the day before the one when I am afraid of gettingbored; so we will look upon it as an understood thing."
"Agreed, by all means."
"You will lend me one of your horses?"
"The best I have."
"No; I prefer the gentlest of all; I never was a very good rider, asyou know, and in my grocery business I have got more awkward than ever;besides--"
"Besides what?"
"Why," added Planchet, "I do not wish to fatigue myself."
"Why so?" D'Artagnan ventured to ask.
"Because I should lose half the pleasure I expect to enjoy," repliedPlanchet. And thereupon he rose from his sack of Indian corn, stretchinghimself, and making all his bones crack, one after the other, with asort of harmony.
"Planchet! Planchet!" exclaimed D'Artagnan, "I do declare that there isno sybarite upon the face of the globe who can for a moment be comparedto you. Oh, Planchet, it is very clear that we have never yet eaten aton of salt together."
"Why so, monsieur?"
"Because, even now I can scarcely say I know you," said D'Artagnan, "andbecause, in point of fact, I return to the opinion which, for a moment,I had formed of you that day at Boulogne, when you strangled, or did soas nearly as possible, M. de Wardes's valet, Lubin; in plain language,Planchet, that you are a man of great resources."
Planchet began to laugh with a laugh full of self-conceit; bade themusketeer good-night, and went down to his back shop, which he used asa bedroom. D'Artagnan resumed his original position upon his chair, andhis brow, which had been unruffled for a moment, became more pensivethan ever. He had already forgotten the whims and dreams of Planchet."Yes," said he, taking up again the thread of his thoughts, whichhad been broken by the whimsical conversation in which we have justpermitted our readers to participate. "Yes, yes, those three pointsinclude everything: First, to ascertain what Baisemeaux wanted withAramis; secondly, to learn why Aramis does not let me hear from him; andthirdly, to ascertain where Porthos is. The whole mystery lies in thesethree points. Since, therefore," c
ontinued D'Artagnan, "our friends tellus nothing, we must have recourse to our own poor intelligence. I mustdo what I can, _mordioux_, or rather _Malaga_, as Planchet would say."
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