“I…” I shake my head, then nod in agreement, remembering the day when I’d stood on a real road, watching Bo and Owen drive away, desperately trying to figure out who’d turned left and who’d turned right. Maybe it was some sort of forewarning, that I’d one day soon be having to make the decision blindly, not knowing who I’d really choose. Who went left and who went right…
What other choice do I have? It’s been dragged on too long. At some point, I will end up losing them both if I continue. The pain will only be prolonged. My lids close and the roads are before me.
“Cris, you need to walk down the path on the right.”
My breath catches even as my heart races and I turn my head to the right.
“You promised. Do not switch now. The choice is made. Go down the road.”
Panic sets in as I begin to walk down, the soft dirt puffing slightly with every step. As I go further in, the man I’d named for the right begins to form. And when I reach for his outstretched hand, I glance to my left and see the other’s face.
The pain that lances within my chest at the thought of never seeing him again is swift and sharp. There is a sting in my left eye and I wipe at the fat tear that threatened to roll down my cheek, catching it with my forefinger instead. I study the wetness, and it dawns on me then what this is.
I look back into loving eyes and down into the offered hand. And I step back.
“I’m sorry,” I say shaking my head.
Yes, I agreed to walk down the path the good doctor set for me, but when I did, I realized that though I could not envision life without the man before me, to live without the other was a fate worse than death.
I cried for myself, I cried for the two of them. And when I finally stop I am curled on Dr. Riker’s lap as she brushes my hair away from my face and rocks me gently.
Dark blue eyes look down into mine with an understanding I’ve never seen before.
Sitting up, I hug her without a word, hoping I convey my gratitude at what she’s just done for me and leave.
I’ve made my choice.
38
“You’re ending this, aren’t you? Once and for all.”
Facing him, I don’t want to say the word because I know that once it’s out, it’s done. It cannot be taken back this time. “Yes.”
There it is, the removal of that scab that keeps forming over a wound that’s never properly healed. His features contort in pain and I feel the shredding of my heart as our lives are pried apart even further. Permanently.
The agony in his green eyes is obvious, though I know just like me, he feels relief that this is finally over no matter how it’s happening.
We are sitting on the couch, facing each other, the house silent but for the occasional hum of the appliances turning off and on.
Jess offered to take Mia for the evening, saying she’d keep her overnight if the conversation went long, but I declined. Mia has school tomorrow and it would be so much easier to wake up with her here. I’d told Jess only that I was going to have a conversation with Owen, that I needed to put an end to this love triangle that was nothing but hell on all of us. I didn’t tell her who I’d chosen, or why, feeling that I owed that much to the two men that were suffering because of my inability to commit.
Owen looks down and with his nail, intently follows the seams of the fabric on the couch. He doesn’t say anything, but I can tell his mind is racing, processing what I’ve just said. Still, it is a different reaction than what I’d imagined.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “This wasn’t how I imagined our marriage would end.”
“I never imagined our marriage would end at all.”
“Neither did I.”
“It’s not all your fault, Cris. As much as I would love to lay all the blame on your shoulders, I’m the one who let the devil in. Five fucking minutes and he came and took what I love the most away.”
“The amount of time is of no consequence,” I say. The reality of it is that all it took was one second of Owen’s sin. The devil had come knocking long before that. I’d recognized the danger and fought against it. But the instant Owen cheated, he opened the door wide enough to let him in. That was all it took. An instant.
Then again, I also wonder if perhaps he hadn’t lost me before that. Maybe I’d been lost the moment my eyes made contact with Bo’s. Or if I believe as Bo does, I was born his.
Owen sighs, his head hanging low. “I’m so tired, Cris. So, so tired.”
Coming closer to him, I reach out to him instinctively, and bring his head into my chest. He’s taking deep breaths, his body trembling, but he’s not crying, perhaps he also has no tears left.
It’s not an easy thing to admit, but our marriage has been in the process of dying for quite a while now. We wanted to keep it alive, to save it, but the injury done to it was too great to survive. And the dying hasn’t been easy. It’s been so agonizing and slow, the toll on both Owen and I so immense, that now that it’s over there is relief. It’s done. There is nothing left to do, but to heal.
“Why him?” he asks quietly. It’s not in anger now, I think, more curiosity.
As I comb my fingers through his hair, I shake my head. How to explain such a thing when I don’t know how the heart chooses?
The thing is, that up until recently even I didn’t know which way to go. In the end, it came down to one thing, and when I realized this, I was finally able to see.
What I discovered in that vision I had at Dr. Riker’s office was that I’d already made that choice. I’d done my best to suppress the thought of it, because the very idea that I could ever leave Owen was unimaginable to me. I thought I’d succeeded in squelching the thought.
But the truth is that even though my brain had managed to function without Bo, my heart and soul wept for him. Literally, the pain seeped through my being, tears a constant companion, a reminder of what I needed, but denied. They ached for him, cried for him, to such a degree that there was a physical reaction even though I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I’d been crying for months. Those tears in my eyes, the tightness in my chest, it was all because I’d wrenched myself from him. Because I’d tried to pretend that he’d been a one-time thing, instead of what I knew he really meant. He was everything. He was forever.
And there it was. My answer. I felt like I would die without Owen. But to be without Bo, that was a fate worse than death.
How to explain that to someone who meant so much to me, even now? Because yes, I still love Owen deeply. I don’t want to hurt him anymore.
So, I say, “I don’t know.”
He accepts this, I suppose, because he doesn’t ask about it anymore. Actually, nothing else is said after that. Instead we sit like that for a long while, with Owen’s head at my breast as I run my fingers through his hair and down his back, comforting him as much as myself.
We sit like that, together mourning the loss of the life we’d built together. For over sixteen years we have loved each other, and I know, at least as far as I’m concerned, I will love him forever. Clinging to each other, knowing that this is the last time, we both drift off.
* * *
When I wake up, the sun is shining brightly through the floor to ceiling living room windows, announcing a new day. A new life.
Pushing off the blanket Owen must have laid on me at some point, I sit up and take in my surroundings. He is gone, but in his place is a folded sheet with my name written neatly on it. Unfolding it carefully, I begin to read.
Cris,
As I write this I’m watching you sleep, and to know it’s the last time I’ll ever have the right to is like a knife through my heart. You look so beautiful. I can’t believe I’ve lost you.
I am going for a long drive. Not sure where, but I need some time to think. Please tell Mia her daddy loves her and I will be back for her next weekend, if that is okay with you. We can talk about the details of who she will be with. She is the most important thing in both our lives, I have no doubt about that.
I know we will be able to work out a way that we can both be there for her always. You are the best mother I could have ever chosen for my child; I hope you think the same of me.
Cris…
I miss you already, more than you will ever know. I have loved you from the moment I saw you sitting behind that counter, with those hazel eyes that touched my soul. I have loved you more than I have ever loved anyone, and no matter where life takes us, I will always love you. You are my forever.
I love you,
Owen
Mia wakes up and comes down to find me holding the sheet tightly to my chest.
“Momma, is today school?” she asks, moving the paper away so that she can sit on my lap. She doesn’t care that I’m sad, and she has no inclination of how much my life has changed. “Momma!”
“Yes, baby, there is school. Let’s get you ready before we’re late,” I say, getting to it, glad for the distraction that having a child brings. There is no time to dwell. I’d already called out of work yesterday, though, so that once Mia was in school I would have plenty of time to digest everything that’s happened. There would be plenty of time to think about the chapter in my life that has just ended, and the new one that’s about to begin.
39
Where the hell is he? I wonder as I sit at my kitchen table, scratching my head, looking at my phone like it will ring at any minute and it will be Bo.
“Nothing yet?” My dad comes into the kitchen, a worried look on his face as he sits beside me. After I called him to tell him everything that happened last night, he packed his bags and decided to stay with me a few days.
“Nope. Nada. Not a clue where he is. I texted Jane an hour ago, but she hasn’t replied yet.”
“Do you regret ending it with Owen?”
“No,” I answer confidently. “Daddy, all it was doing was causing him pain. Both of us, actually. It had to end. I know you don’t like it, believe me it’s not the way I ever imagined things would happen. And I know you think I’m following in Mom’s footsteps…”
He lifts a hand to me, stopping me from speaking further. “Cris, what the heck are you talking about?”
“Well, I know you were upset that I’d leave Owen, just like Mom left you.”
He rears back in shock at my words and I’m suddenly not so sure I interpreted anything correctly.
“Wait a minute, I feel like I’m missing something. You were ready to end your marriage when Owen had his affair, am I right?”
“Right.”
“But when you fell in love with Bo, you denied yourself because you thought I’d compare you to your mother?”
“Um… Yes?” When my mom left, I’d been so appalled at her behavior. When Owen was unfaithful, the story was different. But once I became the cheater, it felt like utter hypocrisy to do the same thing after the things I’d thought. “I didn’t want you to judge me.”
“Cris, the only one doing any judging here is you. And I think you need to give your mother a break. She’s an amazing woman, who has loved you and cared for you. You know better than anyone that a mother’s love has nothing to do with a marriage. Do you love Mia any less because you and Owen split?”
“No,” I say, shrinking back at the scolding.
“I would say it’s time you forgive her, if I felt there was anything for you to forgive. She didn’t do anything to you. If anything, it’s me who should ask for your forgiveness. Cris, I have never compared you to your mom, and I’m sorry if I made it seem that way at any point. Though I am so grateful you were there to support me when she left, and you are the reason I was able to get back on my feet, you should never have had to. No child should have to. It was not your job, and I am afraid it gave you some sort of complex, or fear of what you might do.”
“Daddy, no, I am so glad that I could be there for you.”
“I know you are. But in the process, you became so afraid of what you would become. I think you also worry too much of what I may think of your relationships. The thing is, your marriage was nothing like mine. The reasons your mom and I separated may seem similar to you, but they were so different. You only knew the half of it.
“The same with me. I am well aware that I don’t know everything that goes on behind closed doors. I would never assume to. All I’ve cared about is your happiness. I want you to be with someone that makes you happy. Someone that you love with all your heart. And if this guy, this Bo, loves you near as much as I think you love him…”
“He does,” I say. “At least I think so. He’s the one, Daddy. And I think I’ve lost him. Literally!” I let my head fall onto his shoulder, and he brings his other hand around to hold me there.
“Things will work out, I promise,” he squeezes me.
“Thank you for coming. I don’t think I could function without you here.”
“Wouldn’t be anywhere else,” he says.
“I think I need to call Mom.”
“Does she know any of what’s happening?” he asks.
“No. I didn’t know how to talk to her about it without sounding resentful. Now I feel awful because everything you said is absolutely true. She’s always been an amazing mother.”
Buzz. Buzz. A text comes in and I lift my phone, wondering if maybe my mom sensed my sudden need to hear her voice, to apologize for being less than understanding. But it’s not her.
“It’s Jane,” I tell my dad.
“Abuelito!” Mia’s head pops into the kitchen. She’s dressed herself in a princess costume, and has a very annoyed look on her face. “You said you were doing the show with me,” she tells him pouting.
“Yes, I’m coming.” He gets up and leaves me to message my friend.
Jane: Um, he’s gone. I have spent the last hour calling him and nothing. Nate says he has no idea, though I think he’s lying. Still waiting for Lydia to answer, but if I were you, I’d just drive to his house.
Me: I did earlier. There was no one home and all the blinds were closed.
There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I imagine the worst.
Her: Then go to Lydia’s house and ask her.
Me: Shit, I don’t have much of a choice. Thank you, Jane.
Her: Please keep me posted. All this drama isn’t good for me.
Me: Maybe I shouldn’t involve you. I didn’t even think about your state!
Her: Don’t you dare leave me out! I need to know what happens.
Laughing for the first time all day, I send her a thumbs up.
“Daddy!” I call upstairs. “I’m going across the street for a few minutes. You got Mia?”
“Yup. Or she’s got me. Either way, take your time.”
At the Jensen’s front door, I wipe my hands on my jeans and knock. It’s been a while since I’ve seen either of them, just the occasional wave as they drive by. Actually, we haven’t had a conversation at all since that day where Bo took me into their guestroom and fucked me mindless.
That very thought is going through my head when the door opens, and Lydia Jensen’s eyes make contact with mine. My face flames as I imagine the moans she must have heard coming from that room!
“Mrs. Jensen,” I say and clear my throat nervously. “I… I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute?”
Mrs. Jensen surprises me by taking me in her arms for a tight hug, her vanilla musk perfume enveloping me. “Of course you can. You didn’t bring that baby with you today?” she asks.
“No. She’s at home with my dad.” We walk in to her living room, where we sit on her couch facing each other. “Is Mr. Jensen around?”
“He is at an appointment. How are you, sugar? We haven’t seen you in a while.”
I swallow down the embarrassment and brace on to my courage. “About that, I really want to apologize for the thing that happened.”
“Well, I must admit it was awkward.” She tugs at the pearls around her neck and looks at something nonexistent on the wall. The way she says it, like she’s admitting something she’d rather pret
end didn’t happen, makes it slightly more mortifying.
“That’s putting it mildly, but yes, awkward. I am sorry. It was not my intention to disrespect your home or make you feel uncomfortable. I hope you don’t think less of me for what I’ve done.”
Her head snaps back to me. “Honey, all I think is that you’re human,” she says honestly. “Bo hounded me for a while about you. I thought it was just some crush, and I did my best to remind him that you were a married woman. But he insisted that he felt something else with you he’d never felt. I will say it’s a hard thing to know your child wants something so badly, and to explain to him that he can’t have it. Seems I was wrong. I guess you felt the same thing?”
“Mrs. Jensen, I’ve never felt anything like it. It’s such a strong emotion it is actually painful. Scary.” My eyes rove the clean but cluttered kitchen. “Owen and I have separated.”
“Is it because of my Boey?” she asks cautiously.
“Yes. Though it’s more because of my feelings for him. I tried to make my marriage work, but it’s a very hard thing to do when there are two men in your heart.”
“Don’t I know it,” she says nodding, and I wonder what she means by that. I guess we all have our stories to tell.
“Now that things have ended, I’m anxious to start a new chapter with Bo. But I can’t find him anywhere. He’s not returning my calls, and I went to his house earlier and sat there for an hour and nothing. I even went to his office and the girl there said she wasn’t allowed to tell me. Do you by any chance know anything?”
Her face goes so pale it makes the yellow of her hair stand out more. “Oh honey, I am so sorry. Bo is leaving today. He may have already left.”
“He’s leaving? Where is he going? When will he be back?” I ask, barely breathing.
She shakes her head, here long silver tassel earrings swinging wildly. “Costa Rica. He’s left the business to Dan for a while.”
The Affair: Cristiana’s Full Story Page 31