I'd sensed Damon before I saw him, as stupid and ridiculous as that sounded. I just knew he was there. I croaked his name out, half expecting him to be a figment of my imagination.
Then Chloe was rushing over. "Nell," she said from the floor in front of me, lifting my chin. "Are you okay?"
Damon knelt beside her, in front of me too. He put his hand on my knee, and I wanted to collapse in his arms.
He's here. He's here. He's here.
I shook my head. "No."
"What happened?" Damon asked, squeezing my leg.
"He finally killed her," I replied, not meeting either of their eye.
"What?" Chloe whispered, pushing herself up and sitting down beside me. "Nelly, what exactly does that mean?"
"It was always going to happen."
"What was? You're scaring me, Nell," She said.
Chlo didn't know the truth. She knew that my parents argued and growing up with that was hard but she had no idea how volatile it got. The violence between them was horrendous, I don't remember there ever being even a week of peace. They bruised, broke and bled each other but nothing changed. Every few years mum would leave and tell me everything was going to be fine. Then they'd get back together and it would start again.
"They didn't just fight verbally, Chloe. This was always going to be how it ended."
"Oh, Nell," she said, "why didn't you tell me things were that bad?"
I felt a big fat tear run down my cheek. "I didn't tell anyone. I was ashamed. You know, I knew this would be where we'd all end up. When they'd finished fighting I would plead with them both to either just end it or get help, because one of them would kill the other. Apparently I was being dramatic but looks what's-" I took a big, rugged breath and wiped my eyes. "I don't even know why I'm surprised. I'm not surprised."
"Hey," she said, sitting closer and wrapping an arm around my back. I lent my head against hers, grateful to have my best friend here for support.
Damon hadn't said a word, he hadn't even moved. I didn't know what that meant but right now I didn't have room to worry about it.
"Can you tell me what happened?" She asked. "Only if you want to."
"They were fighting, the neighbours called the police but by the time they arrived, Mum was at the bottom of the stairs. She died instantly. Dad's been arrested and I'm not allowed to see him but Nan is trying. That's all I know right now," I said, telling her everything Nan had told me.
She stroked my arm. "Do you want to see him?"
"I don't know."
She bit her lip and nodded. "Okay, whatever you want. Should I take you home now?"
"I will," Damon said, talking for the first time since he'd turned to stone. I stared at him for a second. The green in his hazel eyes was more prominent as he watched me with a mixture of pain and worry.
Chloe looked up surprised and then arched her eyebrow at me, silently asking what I wanted.
I wanted him. Of course I did. "It's fine, Chlo, go home to Logan and I'll catch up with you tomorrow."
"Are you sure? I don't like leaving you like this, not after..."
"Not after my mum died," I said, filling in her blank.
Wincing, she looked down. "Sorry."
"No, it's alright. Honestly, I'll be fine with Damon. I just want to sleep now anyway. Come by tomorrow when it's all sunk in and I'm a total mess."
Smiling sadly with tears in her eyes, she kissed my cheek. "I'll be over first thing. You call me if you need anything, I don't care what time it is or what you need."
"I will, thank you."
She stood up and gave Damon a stern look. "Take care of her."
He rose to his feet too. "I will."
Chloe gave me another unsure look before leaving. Damon held his hand out. "Let me get you out of here, Nell."
I stared at his hand on the verge of spilling more tears. The sound of his voice was like coming home. This was the worst day of my life to date but he made it that tiny bit easier. I didn't think I'd see him again, not with him willingly coming to me anyway.
I placed my hand in his, stood up and almost fell into him. He caught me. "I don't want to go home," I whispered.
"I know you don't. I was going to take you to mine."
God, he was standing so close I could smell his aftershave and feel the warmth from his body. It was so much more comforting than I could have ever imagined. "Damon," I whispered.
"It's okay," he replied, pulling my body flush with his. "I've got you now. Is there anyone you need to tell you're leaving?"
I shook my head.
"Your nan? Where is she?"
"She is at the police station trying to see my dad." She was his mum after all; she was more concerned with her son than her dead daughter-in-law or granddaughter.
He clenched his jaw. "Right, let's get you out of here then."
We walked out of the hospital slowly and Damon practically put me in his car. I was useless.
"Do you want to call your nan and find out what's going on with your dad?" He asked as he backed out of the parking space.
"Not tonight. Do you think he'll go to her funeral?" Funeral. That hit me like a ton of bricks and I wrapped my arms around my chest as if I was stopping something from falling out. I was going to have to bury my mother.
Squeezing my eyes closed, I let the tears fall freely. It was so unfair. Why couldn't they just get help? Why couldn't they be normal? Why wasn't I enough for them to get straight for?
It was getting late so there wasn't a lot of traffic on the road so it wouldn't be long until I could curl up in his bed. I was so grateful he didn't try to take me to my place. I couldn't face it right now. I didn't want to be somewhere my mum's picture was on a wall.
Damon reached across and squeezed my hand. I gripped back, holding tight. "I don't know. Don't think of that now, let's just get you back to my place so I can look after you."
"I don't expect you to look after me."
"Have you ever expected anyone to look after you?"
I licked my lips. "They looked after me. I had food and clothes and toys. But when the violence started it was like they were consumed with anger. Any little thing set them off once they'd opened the dam. I quickly learnt to do things for myself, get my own breakfast and lunch as they often overlooked it when they were fighting. They were there but never really there. The only time they really wanted much to do with me was when they'd split and I had to pick a side."
"How old were you when it started?"
"Four."
One hand gripped mine harder and his other tightened around the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white. I knew that I was too young to have to take care of myself but so were a lot of kids out there.
"Why didn't anyone help you?"
"I wasn't about to tell anyone. I think they were ashamed of what they were doing. Whenever they saw me getting my own cereal or making a sandwich they'd be so apologetic. Then they'd each blame the other one for overlooking feeding their child and it would start all over." Telling him this felt like cutting myself open. Just a few words exhausted me. "I need to sleep," I said, rubbing my eyes with my free hand. Even just a few short hours where I was at peace would be welcomed.
"We'll be home soon."
Being around Damon again felt right. He was the only person I wanted to be with when I was so lost and afraid. I'd accidentally made him everything.
What I felt for Damon I had never felt before. It was so pure and so real. I loved him with all my heart. If he never wanted to see me again after tonight that would be alright because he'd given me something that I never thought I could have. I cried harder for my mum, for the situation, for Damon. He let me love selflessly.
"Did Chloe call you?" I asked between unattractive sobbing.
"No, Logan did. She called him and was frantic trying to get to you as soon as possible. I guess she called Logan and one of them decided he should call me."
"Chloe decided. Definitely Chloe." My meddling best friend wo
uld have been the one to tell her husband that her best friend needed the guy she loved. And for the first time in forever, I loved her for being right.
"Yeah, probably."
"What were you doing?" I asked.
"Nothing, just having a drink with a friend."
The fact that he started that sentence with the word 'nothing' meant he was with a girl. I already felt like I was holding on by a thread, adding Damon with someone else to the mix would have me falling.
"Okay," I replied, looking out of the window. His hand became stiffer as he realised I knew what he'd been doing. Seeing other people was his right.
He sighed. "Nell..."
"Don't," I replied, loosening my grip. He didn't let me get away, clamping his hand around mine, so I couldn't move away. The journey back to his was taking far too long. I closed my eyes and prayed I could get through this.
Damon
It was just after eight thirty when I finally got Nell back to my place. She was tired and withdrawn, and I had no idea what to do. It didn't help that I was shit at lying and she knew what'd I'd been doing before I received Logan's call.
Carrying her to bed and making her scream wasn't going to help this time and that was about all I knew what to do with her. That was how we worked. If one of us was having a bad day the other one would use sex to make it better. Our relationship, or however it was defined, didn't deal with anything serious. I was feeling my way through this one as best I could.
"Do you want anything?" I asked, letting us into my place.
She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her chest and kicking off her shoes. "I just need to sleep."
"Okay, take my room and I'll stay on the sofa. The spare room still isn't done yet."
"No, I can sleep on the sofa."
"Not happening, Nell."
"Just because my mum died doesn't mean I need to be treated like a fragile princess."
I didn't know what to say to that so I ignored it. She probably didn't even know what she was saying anyway. I wasn't treating her like she was going to shatter; I would give up my bed for her in any other circumstance.
"Take my room," I said.
She bit her lip, reached out and grabbed my hand. "Wait. Stay with me. I'm sorry, I know how things are but I don't want to be alone. Please, just sleep beside me?"
I brushed her long, dark hair behind her shoulder and cupped the side of her jaw. "Of course I'll stay. Let me take a quick shower and I'll be in soon."
Smiling, she stepped back. "You're giving me time to change, aren't you?"
"I'm happy to watch but I thought you'd want a minute." And I need to get all trace of sex with another woman off me.
"I don't care about you seeing my body, I just don't want to be alone. I feel like I'm about to fall apart." I wasn't sure if she realised she'd just admitted to being the fragile person she apparently wasn't thirty seconds ago but I let it slide. Whether she liked relying on other people or not, she needed me now and I was going to be there. I need to shower. But how could I argue against that?
"And you know you won't fall apart in front of me because you don't want me to see your weakness." Her jaw clenched. "Everyone has weakness, Nell, it's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Yeah, what's your weakness?"
My weakness was something I'd been obsessing over for quite a while now. It was something that made me feel on top of the world and completely fucking lost at the same time.
"You," I replied.
She lowered her head and let her hair fall in her face. "I'm sorry, Damon."
"Don't be sorry. Come on let's get you to bed. You look like you're going to collapse at any second."
I took her outstretched hand and she finally raised her eyes. How much could someone take before it changed them? Nell was strong, much stronger than what she gave herself credit for, but things were pretty shitty right now. Not only was she dealing with the loss of her mum but her dad was responsible for her death - intentional or not - and he was facing prison time.
Nell immediately started stripping as soon as I'd closed the bedroom door. For the first time I didn't want to chuck her on the bed and get hot and sweaty for hours. I wanted to curl myself around her and take away every ounce of pain she was feeling. I wanted to look after her.
She got herself completely naked and then put on one of my t-shirts that was laying on the floor. I realised that I'd been watching her and was still fully dressed so yanked my top over my head so she wouldn't know. Thinking I was perving on her wasn't what she needed now, I didn't want her to think I was after anything.
"Are you getting in?" She asked, claiming my side. We'd slept in the same bed plenty of times before but we'd just fall asleep in whatever our last position was, usually her laying all over me. Under different circumstances I'd roll her over and take my side back.
"Yeah," I replied, slipping my jeans off and suddenly wishing I'd worn underwear. Not that it really mattered though, she was used to finding nothing under the denim. I got into bed quickly and covered up. "How're you doing?"
She shrugged one shoulder under the quilt. "It's not a shock that it ended this way but I'm still shocked. That doesn't even make sense."
"It does. I understand what you mean."
"Dad may have been stronger but Mum was always more violent. I always expected it would be the other way around, that I'd have a call telling me my dad was dead."
The fact that she even expected a phone call like that was disgusting. I fucking hated what they'd done to her, what they forced her to witness. She deserved much better than that.
"I'm so sorry, Nell," I said, pulling her into my arms and kissing her forehead.
"It's okay. Some kids experience worse."
"Doesn't make it okay."
"Maybe not but I can't do anything to change it. I just wish I was enough to get them to change."
Oh, no fucking way. "Don't even go there. Not ever."
"I'm not playing poor me, Damon, but you're supposed to do the best for your child."
"The fact that they didn't is a reflection on them and not you."
Sighing, she pressed her face into my chest. "I'm tired."
I pulled her closer and tucked her head under my chin. Things were going to get harder before they got easier but I was going to make it okay, whatever it took. "Sleep."
"Thank you for taking care of me," she whispered.
"Anytime." Always.
I woke up to an empty bed. In her absence I'd rolled back over to my side. She was in the kitchen, I could hear her clattering around. Groaning, I ran my hands through my hair and then chucked my jeans on to go and find her.
"Morning," she said when she saw me walk into the kitchen. She had two pans going, one sizzling with bacon and the other that looked like it was heating beans. Under the grill was a full pack of sausages and she'd got out four slices of break to make toast.
What was going on?
"Hey, what's all this?"
"I wanted to thank you."
"You said thank you last night."
"Okay, then I wanted to do something to thank you."
I rounded the island and wrapped my arms around her from the back as she went back to cooking. "It's not necessary but it smells good. How're you feeling? You going to eat?"
She leant back into me. "I'm not at all hungry but I'll try to have something."
It didn't go unnoticed that she didn't answer my question about how she was doing. Nell hated to let people see her vulnerable side. I got it, no one liked to burden people or have anyone think they couldn't cope with life stuff that was inevitable for everyone. No one escaped hard times and loss.
"Go and sit down," she said, "I'll bring this over in a minute."
I rounded the table and sat so I was facing her. She worked a little too efficiently - keeping busy so she didn't have time to think.
"Nell," I said as she busied herself plating up breakfast. "Talk to me about how you're feeling."
She drop
ped the bowl of scrambled egg and braced herself on the worktop. Lowering her head she broke down in big, heavy sobs.
My eyes widened in alarm. What the hell have I done? "Hey," I said, leaping up and striding over. I put my hand on her back and started to pull her towards me. When she felt me touch her she turned and sank into my chest.
"It's okay," I whispered. "You'll be alright, I promise. You don't have to do things alone anymore, Nell." Her slender body shook as she cried for the loss of her mum.
She should have never had to deal with what she saw growing up at all, let alone doing it all by herself. I couldn't even imagine how scared she must have been when her parents fought and how worried she was that things would turn out exactly how they have.
I felt guilty for the incredible childhood my parents gave me. Nell deserved to be cared for and adored the way all children should be by their parents.
Her weight increased as she collapsed a little more against me but she held a back. Still, after everything, she still held back from completely giving herself to me. She knew I wouldn't drop her, that wasn't what she was worried about.
"Let go, baby, I've got you," I whispered in her ear.
Her body rocked harder and she shook her head.
"Stop it, Nell. Please trust me. I won't let anything happen to you. Let go and let me in. I promise you'll be fine after."
"Don't make me, Damon, I can't," she sobbed.
Crying harder, her fingernails cutting into my skin through my t-shirt. Whether she was controlling it or not she was letting go. All too slowly she put more weight on me and off herself. I wanted to take it all.
"That's it," I said. "I've got you. I won't let go."
She held herself back and then let everything go. Her sobs were harder, louder and more devastating when she finally opened herself to me. It was a huge breakthrough. Relying on someone else wasn't easy for her but she'd done it. I had my foot in the door and I wasn't about to step back and allow her to shove me out and slam it shut.
I turned the gas and grill off, picked her up and carried her through to the living room. My stomach was eating itself but I couldn't eat a thing at the minute. I laid us both down and curled my legs around hers, holding her safe inside.
There were so many things I wanted to say but nothing would make her feel any better right now so I did nothing but hold her, kiss her head and stroke her hair.
Our Chance Page 20