"Come on, Nell, you're not fooling anyone anymore."
I glared. "Fine, arsehole, I like him."
Logan laughed and flicked the kettle on. "Sweetheart, you love him."
See it was cute when he called Chloe sweetheart and just plain patronising when he called me it. Narrowing my eyes, I stuck my middle finger up. "I like you less and less."
"No, you don't. You were Team Logan from the start."
I dropped my hand and shrugged one shoulder. "You're hotter than your brother."
He beamed. "Thank you."
Why did I even say it? "Anyway! I do not love Damon, I care about him a lot and every day I feel myself truly believing that I won't turn into my parents, but how can I be in love with someone that I've never been with?" I was lying through my teeth but admitting it to a second person meant I couldn't live in my protective little bubble until I was ready for it to pop. He'd be on my case about as well as Chlo.
He cocked his eyebrow. "Do you believe all of the shit that just spewed from your mouth? Weren't you the one telling Chloe that she loved me before we were together?"
"That's different."
I really don't know how right now, but it was different.
"Nell, why are you still not admitting the truth to yourself? Or have you?"
Sighing, I dropped down on a chair and banged my head on the table. "Because even though I know I will do absolutely everything in my power to break the abusive relationship cycle in my family, there's still a chance. I can't guarantee it won't happen and that terrifies me."
"There's a chance with anyone then. Your parents and grandparents fucked up big time but they could have got help and got out. They chose not to. You get a choice too."
I knew he was right, but sometimes it was hard to take that leap from safety to the unknown. My grandparents hurt each other until they couldn't even be in the same country anymore, my dad lost his freedom and my mum lost her life. That was my only experience of relationships. Abusive people were my role models growing up and I was terrified that I had that in me somewhere deep down. After all, my mum wasn't abusive before my dad and visa versa.
"Look, your fears and reservations are understandable, fucking hell are they understandable, but that guy worships you and he would never let things turn out they way it has for them. Trust him, Nell, because no one will ever love you as much as he does."
"You have no idea how much I hate it when you're right."
"You sound so much like Chloe."
I smiled as he placed a mug of coffee in front of me. "Thanks. How is married life?"
"I love it."
"Nothing's changed, has it?"
"No, not at all. I was going to be with her forever no matter what a piece of paper said or what was wrapped around our fingers. I love knowing that she has my surname and the boring legal shit like next of kin but it hasn't changed our relationship. Not a single fucking thing could do that."
"You're so sweet."
He shrugged. "I just say shit as it is."
"And such a smooth talker."
"Now that I would never claim. Apparently I say fuck a lot."
"No," I said sarcastically, faking shock.
He held his hands up and tilted his head. "So, what're you going to do about Damon, Miss Presley?"
I bit my lip and wrapped my hands around the mug. "I want us to be official but I don't want to jump into the huge commitments, we're going slow."
"Where's the problem with that?"
"Well... He broke things off with me before because I didn't want anything serious so what if what I can offer right now still isn't enough?"
"Have you spoken to him about what he wants?"
"Not recently." He said he was cool with slow. "I hurt him a lot and I think he's still healing from that. I don't want to keep bringing it up. He wants us to be official, I know that much, but what if he's wanting to move in together or... I don't know."
"That's not something I can answer, but Damon can. I'm willing to bet my house on him being okay to take things slow for as long as you need. You're already giving him everything by opening up enough to properly let him in. He's not going to push you."
I knew all this. Damon was amazing and he would never try to push me past what I was ready for but because of his ditching me, I was second-guessing the things I already knew. Shit, I hated being in this situation. I did not have nearly enough sympathy for Chloe while she was agonising over her feelings for Logan. One minute I was sure and the next my head was all over the place.
"Why can't things ever be straight forward?" I asked.
"Ah, the million dollar question. Want to know my theory?" I nodded. I'd take anything right now. "Life's a bitch."
I deadpanned. "That's it?"
"That's about the best you're likely to get. Life is a constant battle, there's far too much to ever understand. No one will be able to have everything straight. Hold onto the things you know. Like your feelings for Damon. You love him, Nell, so focus on that and the rest won't be quite as much of a headfuck."
That's what he thought. Loving Damon was the headfuck. Not loving him would be easy. But stopping was impossible. I wanted to pour the boiling coffee over my head.
"How long did it take you to know that you wanted to have a go at things with Chlo?"
He leant back against the worktop. "About five minutes after meeting her."
"Come on. After you thought Jace had died. How long?"
Blowing out a deep breath like I'd just asked him to tell me the meaning of life, he put his drink down. "About a month after I dragged her arse up out of bed. She'd spent too long not existing after we thought he'd died. When we started hanging out more and she was looking like she'd joined the world of the living, I knew. I don't remember exactly when or how long, I was too busy beating myself up about it. I thought my little brother was dead and I still couldn't stop wanting his girlfriend."
"But that was a while before all the what-the-fuck-should-I-do stuff."
He dipped his head in a nod. "It was complicated. I thought I could ignore it the way I'd done for too many years before. When I started to realise she was having feelings for me too, I knew there was no way I could stop it. But I was ahead of her, I'd dealt with the guilt for longer, come to terms with more. Chloe was just starting and I remember how fucking awful you feel at first. I had to give her time. Is that what you need?"
"I'm not sure if there's enough time in the world that would help me come to get a grip on what happened and trying to not repeat it." Time wasn't what I needed, it was courage. Taking a leap of faith was scary, but necessary. I didn't want to be stood still, hiding anymore. I had to trust Damon and myself.
"I don't think you're right there. You already know what you don't want to be and you've been taking steps to avoid that for years. Now you just have to work out how to continue avoiding that with someone."
"We argue."
"Who doesn't?"
"Fine," I said, narrowing my eyes and then sighing. "Fine, I know. I'm being an idiot."
"You are," he replied, picking his drink up. "Stop being a dick and talk to him. My sex life depends on this!"
Leaning back I laughed and wiggled my eyebrows. But I would talk to Damon.
Damon
It had been six weeks since Nell's mum died and she was doing well. Even though she was only with me for a few days I'd got used to her being there and now I didn't like being alone. How the fuck can you miss someone that wasn't even with you for one week?
As well as those first few nights she'd also crashed at mine or had me stay at hers a couple of times when she's had a real hard day dealing. That hadn't happened in the last week though, so things were looking up.
I was meeting Nell after work for a quick drink before she went to dinner with Chloe and I went to Logan's for beer, pizza and Xbox.
"Hey," I said, sitting down at the table Nell was at. She smiled up at me and pushed a pint my way. "Thanks." Shit, she was the perfect woma
n.
"Hey. How was work?"
"Good. You?" I asked, raising my eyebrow.
She turned her little button nose up and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "I'm seriously considering the laxatives in their coffee thing again. It's alright though because I have two interviews next week," she said proudly.
"Yeah, that's great. We'll celebrate when you land one of them."
"You're getting ahead of yourself but you're on."
"So do you have a date yet?" I asked. She'd know what I meant. Nell had finally decided to visit her dad. He refused to apply for bail so was waiting for sentencing after pleading guilty to manslaughter.
I was glad she'd decided to visit. She had questions she needed answering and things she needed to say. He had to know what they'd done to her.
"Eight days time," she replied. "I'm not looking forward to it but right now I'm spending the evening with friends and I don't want to cry in the middle of a bar."
"So we should talk about something else."
"That'd be good. Tell me something I don't know about you."
"You're the first girl I fingered."
I watched her wish she'd never asked. She slowly placed her arms on the table and lent in. "You what?"
"It's the truth."
"But... How?"
I shrugged. "I'm shit hot with my tongue."
She blushed and smirked. "I remember. So really? I was the first?"
"And the only actually."
"Ah, so you didn't treat your Kavos conquests to some finger love?"
Laughing, I shook my head. I loved it when she was as crude as me. It didn't happen often. "No, that was just drunken sex that I barely remember and you know the second one just blew me."
"Charming."
"They knew the score."
She held her hands up. "Wasn't judging, we were doing the same."
Ouch. What we'd been doing wasn't some big commitment but it was more than a one-night stand. "We weren't doing the same and you know it." There was no way she didn't feel anything for me at all.
"Sorry. It was more than your holiday shags."
"Can we put them on the do-not-discuss list too?"
"Sure," she said. "Are you positive you and Logan don't want to join me and Chlo for dinner?"
"And listen to girl gossip? No thanks. Anyway, you've not been out with Chloe for a while." Not since her mum died. "But if you want I'm up for having you stumble into my flat later tonight."
"What do you have planned?" She asked, narrowing her eyes all suspicious and accusing.
"You sleeping in my bed but if you're offering more I'm not going to say no."
"You're so easy, Damon."
I'd only ever been able to tell her no once and that didn't end up well. There was absolutely no way I was fucking up that badly again. From now on we were doing shit my way. Her past had clouded her idea of what a relationship is so I was taking the lead.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yes, I will do that thing," I replied.
She rolled her eyes. "Fine, forget it."
"No, go on."
"I know I've been a big, huge bitch and I've hurt you." Hurt was a very small word to describe it. "I want to make things right between us. I'm not saying that I want to..." She frowned and I realised that, probably for the first time, she had absolutely no idea what she wanted to say. She'd always known what she wanted, what she was going to do, what her life would be, and what she had to do to get it.
What she wanted to do to protect herself was now colliding with what she wanted to be happy and I could see her struggling. I wanted to leap in and rescue her, to tell her not to worry, that we'd feel our way thorough as we went. But I really needed to hear her express what she was feeling to me. I knew how she felt, but now, it was time to hear it.
Clearing her throat, she looked to the ceiling. "I don't know what I can offer you, Damon, but if you're willing maybe we could start up where we left off?"
An icy chill stabbed at my spine. I thought we'd decided on slow but now she wanted no string sex? "You want to start the casual sex up?"
"Well, yes but no. I want us to be how we were, you know, hanging out and stuff. The sex too, but..." She licked her lips. "Without the other people."
"Go on."
Her eyes narrowed a fraction when she realised I wasn't letting her off easily. She was going to have to be very clear with what she wanted. "If you call it that again I'll shove this cocktail stick right down the end of-"
"Ahh, alright," I snapped, squirming and pressing my legs together as best I could. I could feel the pain just from her words. That was the reaction I was after, though. She didn't want to think of us as that casual anymore. Finally. I also knew never to get on her bad side. "I'm sorry."
"You said when I was sorted you'd take me on a date." Biting her lip, she shook her head gently. "A proper date. And...well...I guess I'd kinda like for that to happen."
A slow smile spread across my face and my heart beat faster for her.
"Okay. Nell, will you come out with me at the weekend?"
Flashing me a shy smile, she nodded. "I'd love to. But you're sure, right? Because I don't know how much I can give you."
Bullshit. "Yes, you do, you can give me everything."
Her chest expanded as she took a deep breath and her eyes widened in alarm. That terrified her.
"I know the idea of eventually giving yourself to me completely scares you, but I promise I would never let you become your parents. I would never lay a hand on you in that way. We'll be fine. You have my word, Nell. Please trust me."
Gulping, her eyes filled with tears. "If you let us hurt each other I'll do that thing with the cocktail stick."
"We're going to be fine," I repeated. Believe me. "One step at a time, okay?"
"Yeah," she replied. "Starting with a sleepover at yours."
Don't make a cocky comment.
I smiled and was pretty certain that my eyes were telling her exactly what we'd be doing at the sleepover. I was more than ready to have my hands and mouth all over her again. Although under the circumstances, I should probably wait for the green light rather than just pouncing the way I was so used to. If we were working towards something, I should take it slower than ripping her clothes off and dragging my tongue all over her soft skin.
Fuck it, I was hard.
"Damon..." I looked up to see her eyebrow arched. Guess it looked like I was inside her too.
"Sorry," I muttered, not in the slightest sorry. "Can't help it."
"Maybe you can save it for later."
That was the green light, surely?
"Okay, we need to finish up and get out of here before I drag you to my bedroom and make you miss your night out with Chlo."
Jesus! She was actually considering it. Her lips parted and eyes darkened. I couldn't let her, of course, she'd made plans and was really looking forward to 'being normal' for the evening.
Fuck me and my newfound morals.
Nell
Eight weeks after Mum's funeral I was starting to feel more and more like myself. I loved my mum and missed her every day but she'd taken a lot from me growing up and I didn't want to undo the hard work I'd put in to get my life straight. My parents weren't great but there was nothing I could do or could have done to change it.
So I chose to love them both and be happy.
Visiting my dad was hard and I didn't really get any answers, none that I didn't already know. They fought the way they'd done a million times before and Mum fell. It was an accident - one that my dad was going to pay for with prison time for the next five years.
Things had also changed between me and Damon, we were closer on a level that wasn't just physical. As much as it scared me I had faith that we wouldn't be anything like my parents. We still weren't together officially but that was okay because we were taking things slowly and healing what had been damaged. He'd taken me out a few times and I loved hanging out with him on a more intimate leve
l.
Now I was ready to make things with Damon official. The only problem was him. I didn't know where he was at and the last two days I'd only seen him for five minutes. He said he was busy with work and because some campaign was about to start he was putting in extra hours. I didn't doubt him but I doubted myself. But I kept busy with getting ready to start my new job. I'd finally left The Ogre and his little shit of a son. From Monday I would be working for an awesome company that were young, fresh and forward thinking.
Tonight though, Damon was supposed to be coming over so I hoped we could sort things out and finally be happy together. I sprayed my hair, ruffling it up at the roots to give it extra bounce and slicked my loose, silk tank top down.
He was due anytime now, and I was nervous. It was stupid because I was ninety nine per cent sure I knew Damon would be all for giving us the girlfriend/boyfriend title but this was new ground for me.
The doorbell rang and I jumped. Giving my appearance one final look, I dashed to the door and felt my heart soar as his hungry eyes landed on mine. The affect he had on me took my breath away every single time I laid eyes on him.
"Hey," he said, walking forwards making me step back. He kicked the door closed and pulled me towards him. "I've missed you. A lot."
"I missed you too," I replied. Jesus, if he kept saying things like that my heart was going to implode. He was standing so close that I felt a little drunk and delirious.
"How have you been?" He whispered.
I smiled, trying to make it convincing. "I've been fine." I hadn't really been fine, I'd missed him so much I ached and agonised over what to do. "What about you? Work all sorted?"
"Things will be slowing down now so no more overtime for a while. Means I get to spend more time annoying you," he said, reaching out for me. His arms started on my hips and then slid round to my back.
I stumbled into his arms, resting both hands on his muscular chest. "I don't think that'll ever happen."
He swallowed audibly and his grip on me tightened a fraction. "I'm willing to give it a go if you are?"
No. What the fuck is he asking? Was he really about to piss on my fireworks? "Damon... What exactly does that mean?"
Lowering his head, he brushed his lips against mine and I stopped breathing altogether. A fire started in my belly that soon spread south as his tongue grazed my bottom lip.
"It means I want to spend all of my free time with you. These last couple of days have been pretty unbearable. I thought it'd be fine because I'd be working late and going in early but you were always on my mind. I worried about you constantly. I wanted to see you constantly. Look, I know that you're still healing after what happened and there are things you haven't figured out yet but-"
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