‘The statues!’ said the Chief Commissioner. ‘The statues, you nincompoop!’
‘Oh yes, of course,’ said Sir Czardas. ‘The statues will definitely give everyone a real lift.’ He paused. ‘The thing is,’ he said, apologetically, ‘we are running rather short of low-level sprouts. And you did say...’
‘Oh yes, I was going to ring Brussels about it,’ remembered the Chief Commissioner. ‘I’ll do it now.’ She got up from the harp, moved across to her desk, picked up the telephone and pressed a button. She asked to be connected to one of the permanent members of the Secretariat, a very senior figure in Brussels.
‘Mr Deputy President?’ said the Chief Commissioner. ‘Chief Commissioner Stein, Provincial Commissioner for Administration and Protector of the People for Province 17.’ She listened for a moment. ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ she said. ‘Formerly Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England.’ She laughed lightly at something the Deputy President had said, and listened again. ‘Stein,’ she repeated. ‘Phyllis.’ She listened again. ‘Yes, that’s right my Lord,’ she said. She blushed, paused, listened, blushed lightly and simpered. ‘That’s marvellous of you to remember.’ She listened and simpered again. ‘Oh may I? Thank you.’ She hesitated. ‘Thank you my Lord...Gordon,’ she said. ‘Are you well... Gordon? Splendid. That’s wonderful. It’s so nice to touch base with you again. I’m afraid we have a little problem here. We’re running a little light on sprouts. Could you...’
She listened for a moment as Lord Gordon spoke.
‘That would be marvellous,’ she said. ‘Turks would be perfect, Gordon. A thousand would be lovely.’
She listened again and put her hand over the mouthpiece. ‘Gordon is going to action that and send us a thousand Turks,’ she whispered. Sir Czardas, tried to look more delighted than he felt. ‘And two hundred mixed Latvians, Croatians and Estonians,’ she added, still listening and still whispering. ‘He can’t promise but he says that some of them may even speak a little English.’ It immediately occurred to Sir Czardas that their talents in this direction would probably be limited to ‘Give me money. I have a baby to support’ or ‘This is a hold-up. I have a gun. Give me money or I kill you.’ He did not allow this politically incorrect thought to expose itself to the world.
When Lord Gordon had finished speaking the Chief Commissioner spoke again. ‘Before you go, Gordon,’ she said, ‘there is one thing I thought I might mention in the interests of forward planning.’ She paused, listened and laughed politely. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘The thing is, that here in my little neck of the woods we’ve hit upon a rather wonderful way to boost morale and to encourage the people to recognise the wonderful work done by EUDCE.’ She paused and listened again. ‘Thank you, Gordon,’ she said. ‘We’re creating a permanent exhibition of statuary as a celebration of EUDCE’s magnificent era of leadership, peace and prosperity.’ She paused. ‘I thought I’d put you on the radar for this one.’
She listened, struggling to hide her irritation and frustration, as Gordon said something.
‘Statuary,’ she explained, as though talking to a rather dim child with a slight hearing problem. ‘Statues. You know, like that one we used to have here in Trafalgar Square. On top of that very tall plinth.’
She listened again and seemed alarmed.
‘No, no, no, no, of course not. This is absolutely nothing to do with Nelson,’ she said firmly. ‘Good heavens no, Gordon. We don’t even mention his name unless we have to. No, the whole idea for what we’re doing was inspired by the Chinese and their terracotta army.’
Lord Gordon said something.
‘The Chinese terracotta army,’ repeated the Chief Commissioner. ‘The Chinese built a huge army of terracotta statues as a permanent celebration.’
She listened.
‘No, you wouldn’t have heard anything about it on the news,’ she said. ‘It all happened a while ago. But the statues are still there. They’re underground. A farmer found them.’
Lord Gordon spoke.
‘No, I don’t know what the farmer was doing underground. Maybe he fell down a hole. Or was digging deep trenches or something. Anyway he found all these terracotta soldiers. They were on the Telescreen.’
She listened.
‘Terracotta,’ she said. ‘It’s a sort of brown pottery. Made out of some sort of clay.’
Lord Gordon said something.
‘Yes, like flower pots,’ she said. She looked at Sir Czardas and raised an eyebrow in disbelief. ‘Yes, like flower pots.’
She listened.
‘No, no, they’re much bigger than flower pots. Each statue is about two metres tall.’
Lord Gordon asked something.
‘Eight thousand and one of them to start with,’ said the Chief Commissioner. ‘But we’re going to have more. Far more. I want it to be far bigger than anything the Chinese ever imagined.’ A thought occurred to her. ‘Maybe we should invite some Chinese people over for the grand unveiling. We have a sculptor making the models. Very talented, very well-known sculptor. She’s got a lot of assistants, of course.’
She listened.
‘Oh yes, the people love it. They adore it. They think it’s an absolutely marvellous idea. It’s really going to bring us all together in our shared respect for EUDCE.’
She listened as Lord Gordon spoke.
‘It was my idea,’ she replied and then listened. ‘Thank you, very much, Gordon. You’re very kind.’ She listened again. This time Lord Gordon spoke for several minutes.
‘Yes, I think we could do that,’ said the Chief Commissioner, clearly surprised but delighted. She covered the telephone mouthpiece and whispered to Sir Czardas. ‘Gordon wants to know if we can send our sculptor over there to set up a similar sort of operation for the other regions. We can do that can’t we?’
Sir Czardas nodded firmly.
‘I’ll arrange it today,’ said the Chief Commissioner firmly. ‘Thank you, Gordon. Thank you very much.’ And, after waiting to make sure that Gordon had gone, she put down her telephone.
‘Gordon is very excited about the statues project,’ she announced. ‘He says it’s the sort of 360 degree thinking he likes. He thinks it will be just the thing EUDCE needs to make everyone realise just what a wonderful job we’ve all been doing. He’s very, very enthusiastic and very much wants to come to the party. He’s rushed off to organise a Report and a Meeting so that they can decide where to put all their statues. His first thought was that to start with they could use those European Parliament buildings. They’re hardly ever used now.’
‘Marvellous,’ said Sir Czardas. ‘Very satisfactory.’ He paused. ‘And he’s sending us some sprouts?’
‘Definitely,’ said the Chief Commissioner. ‘Absolutely.’ She beamed. ‘Would you like some afternoon tea?’ she asked. ‘My new girl makes absolutely marvellous little sandwiches. Much better than the ones that last one used to make. She only uses the very straightest cucumbers.’
Chapter 48
Tom, Dorothy and Tom’s aunt were in their kitchen eating soup that Dorothy had made, using three potatoes, a carrot and a leek that Tom had brought home from the allotment. Despite all the work they were doing on the statues Tom hadn’t given up his job. He liked the feeling of security it gave him. Who knew when the statue project might come to an end?
When there was a knock on the front door Tom looked up at Dorothy and shook his head. ‘Leave it,’ he said.
‘It might be a chap about some clay I’ve ordered,’ said Dorothy. ‘I told him to call round and let me know as soon they’d heard when the delivery would come in.’
Reluctantly Tom opened the door.
‘Difficult to find you at home,’ said a sprout in a blue suit.
‘Out a lot aren’t you?’ said the other.
‘We’re Residential Placement Officers,’ said the first sprout. He smirked, knowing the effect this would have.
‘Aren’t you going to invite us in?’ asked the second sprout. ‘Not th
at we need an invitation,’ said the first, brushing past Tom and moving into their narrow hallway. He looked around. ‘Lots of space,’ he said. He opened the door to the living room. ‘Very spacious. How many of you are there living here?’
‘Three,’ replied Tom. ‘Myself, my wife and my aunt.’
‘Who is it?’ called Dorothy.
‘It’s two Residential Placement Officers,’ answered Tom. There was a pause.
‘I could do with your help,’ Tom called to his wife. ‘To show them round.’
‘I’ll be right there,’ answered Dorothy. ‘I’ll just wash the saucepan.’
‘I’ll get the frying pan!’ cried Tom’s aunt. She sounded very excited.
‘The two ladies are cooking,’ explained Tom. ‘Would you like to see upstairs? Shall I lead the way?’
‘There’s no gate at the top of the stairs,’ said the first sprout, looking upwards. He took out a small notebook. ‘Have to report that,’ he said. He made a note about the missing gate. Tom made a mental note to burn the notebook afterwards.
‘Somebody could easily fall down without a gate at the top of the stairs,’ said the second sprout.
‘Yes,’ replied Tom. He tried to sound surprised and grateful. ‘I suppose they could. I hadn’t thought of that.’ He looked again at the two men. The fat one was actually very fat. He was going to be a bugger to get into the trailer. And they might have to put him inside one of the extra large sized statues. ‘I’ll follow you both up,’ he said. ‘My wife will be with us in a moment.’
The Beginning of the End
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