by Edward Albee
You forget yourself, Mommy; I’m a professional woman. But I will cross my legs.
DADDY
Yes, make yourself comfortable.
MRS. BARKER
I don’t mind if I do.
GRANDMA
Are they still here?
MOMMY
Be quiet, Grandma.
MRS. BARKER
Oh, we’re still here. My, what an unattractive apartment you have!
MOMMY
Yes, but you don’t know what a trouble it is. Let me tell you …
DADDY
I was saying to Mommy …
MRS. BARKER
Yes, I know. I was listening outside.
DADDY
About the icebox, and … the doorbell … and the …
MRS. BARKER
… and the johnny. Yes, we’re very efficient; we have to know everything in our work.
DADDY
Exactly what do you do?
MOMMY
Yes, what is your work?
MRS. BARKER
Well, my dear, for one thing, I’m chairman of your woman’s club.
MOMMY
Don’t be ridiculous. I was talking to the chairman of my woman’s club just yester— Why, so you are. You remember, Daddy, the lady I was telling you about? The lady with the husband who sits in the swing? Don’t you remember?
DADDY
No … no …
MOMMY
Of course you do. I’m so sorry, Mrs. Barker. I would have known you anywhere, except in this artificial light. And look! You have a hat just like the one I bought yesterday.
MRS. BARKER
(With a little laugh)
No, not really; this hat is cream.
MOMMY
Well, my dear, that may look like a cream hat to you, but I can …
MRS. BARKER
Now, now; you seem to forget who I am.
MOMMY
Yes, I do, don’t I? Are you sure you’re comfortable? Won’t you take off your dress?
MRS. BARKER
I don’t mind if I do.
(She removes her dress)
MOMMY
There. You must feel a great deal more comfortable.
MRS. BARKER
Well, I certainly look a great deal more comfortable.
DADDY
I’m going to blush and giggle.
MOMMY
Daddy’s going to blush and giggle.
MRS. BARKER
(Pulling the hem of her slip above her knees)
You’re lucky to have such a man for a husband.
MOMMY
Oh, don’t I know it!
DADDY
I just blushed and giggled and went sticky wet.
MOMMY
Isn’t Daddy a caution, Mrs. Barker?
MRS. BARKER
Maybe if I smoked …?
MOMMY
Oh, that isn’t necessary.
MRS. BARKER
I don’t mind if I do.
MOMMY
No; no, don’t. Really.
MRS. BARKER
I don’t mind …
MOMMY
I won’t have you smoking in my house, and that’s that! You’re a professional woman.
DADDY
Grandma drinks AND smokes; don’t you, Grandma?
GRANDMA
No.
MOMMY
Well, now, Mrs. Barker; suppose you tell us why you’re here.
GRANDMA
(As MOMMY walks through the boxes)
The boxes … the boxes …
MOMMY
Be quiet, Grandma.
DADDY
What did you say, Grandma!
GRANDMA
(As MOMMY steps on several of the boxes)
The boxes, damn it!
MRS. BARKER
Boxes; she said boxes. She mentioned the boxes.
DADDY
What about the boxes, Grandma? Maybe Mrs. Barker is here because of the boxes. Is that what you meant, Grandma?
GRANDMA
I don’t know if that’s what I meant or not. It’s certainly not what I thought I meant.
DADDY
Grandma is of the opinion that …
MRS. BARKER
Can we assume that the boxes are for us? I mean, can we assume that you had us come here for the boxes?
MOMMY
Are you in the habit of receiving boxes?
DADDY
A very good question.
MRS. BARKER
Well, that would depend on the reason we’re here. I’ve got my fingers in so many little pies, you know. Now, I can think of one of my little activities in which we are in the habit of receiving baskets; but more in a literary sense than really. We might receive boxes, though, under very special circumstances. I’m afraid that’s the best answer I can give you.
DADDY
It’s a very interesting answer.
MRS. BARKER
I thought so. But, does it help?
MOMMY
No; I’m afraid not.
DADDY
I wonder if it might help us any if I said I feel misgivings, that I have definite qualms.
MOMMY
Where, Daddy?
DADDY
Well, mostly right here, right around where the stitches were.
MOMMY
Daddy had an operation, you know.
MRS. BARKER
Oh, you poor Daddy! I didn’t know; but then, how could I?
GRANDMA
You might have asked; it wouldn’t have hurt you.
MOMMY
Dry up, Grandma.
GRANDMA
There you go. Letting your true feelings come out. Old people aren’t dry enough, I suppose. My sacks are empty, the fluid in my eyeballs is all caked on the inside edges, my spine is made of sugar candy, I breathe ice; but you don’t hear me complain. Nobody hears old people complain because people think that’s all old people do. And that’s because old people are gnarled and sagged and twisted into the shape of a complaint.
(Signs off)
That’s all.
MRS. BARKER
What was wrong, Daddy?
DADDY
Well, you know how it is: the doctors took out something that was there and put in something that wasn’t there. An operation.
MRS. BARKER
You’re very fortunate, I should say.
MOMMY
Oh, he is; he is. All his life, Daddy has wanted to be a United States Senator; but now … why now he’s changed his mind, and for the rest of his life he’s going to want to be Governor … it would be nearer the apartment, you know.
MRS. BARKER
You are fortunate, Daddy.
DADDY
Yes, indeed; except that I get these qualms now and then, definite ones.
MRS. BARKER
Well, it’s just a matter of things settling; you’re like an old house.
MOMMY
Why Daddy, thank Mrs. Barker.
DADDY
Thank you.
MRS. BARKER
Ambition! That’s the ticket. I have a brother who’s very much like you, Daddy … ambitious. Of course, he’s a great deal younger than you; he’s even younger than I am … if such a thing is possible. He runs a little newspaper. Just a little newspaper … but he runs it. He’s chief cook and bottle washer of that little newspaper, which he calls The Village Idiot. He has such a sense of humor; he’s so self-deprecating, so modest. And he’d never admit it himself, but he is the Village Idiot.
MOMMY
Oh, I think that’s just grand. Don’t you think so, Daddy?
DADDY
Yes, just grand.
MRS. BARKER
My brother’s a dear man, and he has a dear little wife, whom he loves, dearly. He loves her so much he just can’t get a sentence out without mentioning her. He wants everybody to know he’s married. He’s really a stickler on that point; he can’t be
introduced to anybody and say hello without adding, “Of course, I’m married.” As far as I’m concerned, he’s the chief exponent of Woman Love in this whole country; he’s even been written up in psychiatric journals because of it.
DADDY
Indeed!
MOMMY
Isn’t that lovely.
MRS. BARKER
Oh, I think so. There’s too much woman hatred in this country, and that’s a fact.
GRANDMA
Oh, I don’t know.
MOMMY
Oh, I think that’s just grand. Don’t you think so, Daddy?
DADDY
Yes, just grand.
GRANDMA
In case anybody’s interested …
MOMMY
Be quiet, Grandma.
GRANDMA
Nuts!
MOMMY
Oh, Mrs. Barker, you must forgive Grandma. She’s rural.
MRS. BARKER
I don’t mind if I do.
DADDY
Maybe Grandma has something to say.
MOMMY
Nonsense. Old people have nothing to say; and if old people did have something to say, nobody would listen to them.
(To GRANDMA)
You see? I can pull that stuff just as easy as you can.
GRANDMA
Well, you got the rhythm, but you don’t really have the quality. Besides, you’re middle-aged.
MOMMY
I’m proud of it!
GRANDMA
Look. I’ll show you how it’s really done. Middle-aged people think they can do anything, but the truth is that middle-aged people can’t do most things as well as they used to. Middle-aged people think they’re special because they’re like everybody else. We live in the age of deformity. You see? Rhythm and content. You’ll learn.
DADDY
I do wish I weren’t surrounded by women; I’d like some men around here.
MRS. BARKER
You can say that again!
GRANDMA
I don’t hardly count as a woman, so can I say my piece?
MOMMY
Go on. Jabber away.
GRANDMA
It’s very simple; the fact is, these boxes don’t have anything to do with why this good lady is come to call. Now, if you’re interested in knowing why these boxes are here …
MOMMY
Well, nobody is interested!
GRANDMA
You can be as snippety as you like for all the good it’ll do you.
DADDY
You two will have to stop arguing.
MOMMY
I don’t argue with her.
DADDY
It will just have to stop.
MOMMY
Well, why don’t you call a van and have her taken away?
GRANDMA
Don’t bother; there’s no need.
DADDY
No, now, perhaps I can go away myself. …
MOMMY
Well, one or the other; the way things are now it’s impossible. In the first place, it’s too crowded in this apartment.
(To GRANDMA)
And it’s you that takes up all the space, with your enema bottles, and your Pekinese, and God-only-knows-what-else … and now all these boxes. …
GRANDMA
These boxes are …
MRS. BARKER
I’ve never heard of enema bottles …
GRANDMA
She means enema bags, but she doesn’t know the difference. Mommy comes from extremely bad stock. And besides, when Mommy was born … well, it was a difficult delivery, and she had a head shaped like a banana.
MOMMY
You ungrateful—Daddy? Daddy, you see how ungrateful she is after all these years, after all the things we’ve done for her?
(To GRANDMA)
One of these days you’re going away in a van; that’s what’s going to happen to you!
GRANDMA
Do tell!
MRS. BARKER
Like a banana?
GRANDMA
Yup, just like a banana.
MRS. BARKER
My word!
MOMMY
You stop listening to her; she’ll say anything. just the other night she called Daddy a hedgehog.
MRS. BARKER
She didn’t!
GRANDMA
That’s right, baby; you stick up for me.
MOMMY
I don’t know where she gets the words; on the television, maybe.
MRS. BARKER
Did you really call him a hedgehog?
GRANDMA
Oh look; what difference does it make whether I did or not?
DADDY
Grandma’s right. Leave Grandma alone.
MOMMY
(To DADDY)
How dare you!
GRANDMA
Oh, leave her alone, Daddy; the kid’s all mixed up.
MOMMY
You see? I told you. It’s all those television shows. Daddy, you go right into Grandma’s room and take her television and shake all the tubes loose.
DADDY
Don’t mention tubes to me.
MOMMY
Oh! Mommy forgot!
(To MRS. BARKER )
Daddy has tubes now, where he used to have tracts.
MRS. BARKER
Is that a fact!
GRANDMA
I know why this dear lady is here.
MOMMY
You be still.
MRS. BARKER
Oh, I do wish you’d tell me.
MOMMY
No! No! That wouldn’t be fair at all.
DADDY
Besides, she knows why she’s here; she’s here because we called them.
MRS. BARKER
La! But that still leaves me puzzled. I know I’m here because you called us, but I’m such a busy girl, with this committee and that committee, and the Responsible Citizens Activities I indulge in.
MOMMY
Oh my; busy, busy.
MRS. BARKER
Yes, indeed. So I’m afraid you’ll have to give me some help.
MOMMY
Oh, no. No, you must be mistaken. I can’t believe we asked you here to give you any help. With the way taxes are these days, and the way you can’t get satisfaction in ANYTHING … no, I don’t believe so.
DADDY
And if you need help … why, I should think you’d apply for a Fulbright Scholarship. …
MOMMY
And if not that … why, then a Guggenheim Fellowship. …
GRANDMA
Oh, come on; why not shoot the works and try for the Prix de Rome.
(Under her breath to MOMMY and DADDY)
Beasts!
MRS. BARKER
Oh, what a jolly family. But let me think. I’m knee-deep in work these days; there’s the Ladies’ Auxiliary Air Raid Committee, for one thing; how do you feel about air raids?
MOMMY
Oh, I’d say we’re hostile.
DADDY
Yes, definitely; we’re hostile.
MRS. BARKER
Then, you’ll be no help there. There’s too much hostility in the world these days as it is; but I’ll not badger you! There’s a surfeit of badgers as well.
GRANDMA
While we’re at it, there’s been a run on old people, too. The Department of Agriculture, or maybe it wasn’t the Department of Agriculture—anyway, it was some department that’s run by a girl—put out figures showing that ninety per cent of the adult population of the country is over eighty years old … or eighty per cent is over ninety years old …
MOMMY
You’re such a liar! You just finished saying that everyone is middle-aged.
GRANDMA
I’m just telling you what the government says … that doesn’t have anything to do with what …
MOMMY
It’s that television! Daddy, go break her television.
GRANDMA
You won’
t find it.
DADDY
(Wearily getting up)
If I must … I must.
MOMMY
And don’t step on the Pekinese; it’s blind.
DADDY
It may be blind, but Daddy isn’t.
(He exits, through the archway, stage-left)
GRANDMA
You won’t find it, either.
MOMMY
Oh, I’m so fortunate to have such a husband. Just think: I could have a husband who was poor, or argumentative, or a husband who sat in a wheelchair all day … OOOOHHHH! What have I said? What have I said?
GRANDMA
You said you could have a husband who sat in a wheel …
MOMMY
I’m mortified! I could die! I could cut my tongue out! I could …
MRS. BARKER
(Forcing a smile)
Oh, now … now … don’t think about it …
MOMMY
I could … why, I could …
MRS. BARKER
… don’t think about it … really …
MOMMY
You’re quite right. I won’t think about it, and that way I’ll forget that I ever said it, and that way it will be all right.
(Pause)
There … I’ve forgotten. Well, now, now that Daddy is out of the room we can have some girl talk.
MRS. BARKER
I’m not sure that I …
MOMMY
You do want to have some girl talk, don’t you?
MRS. BARKER
I was going to say I’m not sure that I wouldn’t care for a glass of water. I feel a little faint.
MOMMY
Grandma, go get Mrs. Barker a glass of water.
GRANDMA
Go get it yourself. I quit.
MOMMY
Grandma loves to do little things around the house; it gives her a false sense of security.
GRANDMA
I quit! I’m through!
MOMMY
Now, you be a good Grandma, or you know what will happen to you. You’ll be taken away in a van.
GRANDMA
You don’t frighten me. I’m too old to be frightened. Besides …
MOMMY
WELL! I’ll tend to you later. I’ll hide your teeth … I’ll …
GRANDMA
Everything’s hidden.
MRS. BARKER
I am going to faint. I am.
MOMMY
Good heavens! I’ll go myself.
(As she exits, through the archway, stage-left)
I’ll fix you, Grandma. I’ll take care of you later.
(She exits)
GRANDMA
Oh, go soak your head.
(To MRS. BARKER )
Well, dearie, how do you feel?
MRS. BARKER
A little better, I think. Yes, much better, thank you, Grandma.
GRANDMA
That’s good.
MRS. BARKER
But … I feel so lost … not knowing why I’m here … and, on top of it, they say I was here before.
GRANDMA
Well, you were. You weren’t here, exactly, because we’ve moved around a lot, from one apartment to another, up and down the social ladder like mice, if you like similes.