by J. L. Wilder
“What kind of options?” he asked her.
“We could send them to school,” she said quietly.
He shook his head. “This is what you want,” he said. “You want the money so that you can civilize me. This life isn’t enough for you. It never was. Why did you let me believe otherwise?”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” she protested. “I love this life, Xavier.”
“No, you don’t,” he said. “You hardly know it. You have yet to clean an animal. You don’t know how to catch a fish. You’ve spent a few nights camping out with us. To you, this is still just an adventure. And you’re already done. You’re already ready to pack it in and go back home.”
“This is just about the money,” she insisted. “That’s all it is.”
“If that’s all it is, then why are you asking me to come with you?” he asked her.
“I want you with me,” she said. “Isn’t that reason enough?”
“I wouldn’t be with you, though, would I?” he asked. “You’re asking me to enroll in that school across the road from yours. That school that would keep us apart. Why do you want me there?”
She hesitated.
“Tell me the truth, Zoe,” he said. “I’ve had enough dancing around.”
“I want you to graduate,” she said. “I think that if you have a degree, my pack’s alpha is more likely to see you as worthy of being my mate.”
He stared at her.
“You don’t think I’m worthy of being your mate,” he said.
“It’s not about what I think!” she protested. “No one’s going to ask me what I think. They’re going to look at you and judge you. They’re going to make a decision about us. And then they’ll decide whether or not to give us the money.”
“I don’t want their money,” Xavier said. “Are you joking? If it comes with conditions like that?”
“It’s not a lot to ask,” Zoe said. “They just want to make sure that you’re equipped to provide the best possible life.”
“You mean the life that they think is best,” Xavier said. “The life that’s most like the one they’re already leading. That’s what they want you to have, isn’t it? Let me guess—if I owned a big house in the city, if I was independently wealthy, if I had a job and a fancy car, then it wouldn’t matter whether or not I had a degree. They’d be happy to accept me if they thought I was living a successful human life.”
“Xavier,” she whispered. “Don’t be angry. This is just so different from anything they know. They’ve never met anyone who lives wild. And I’m going to have to prove to them that—that—”
“That I know how to be civilized,” he said. “You think a college degree would prove that.”
“It would,” she said. “And what harm would it do you? I’m not saying we could never return to the cave.”
“I can’t talk about this, Zoe,” he said. “What you’re suggesting—I can’t even look at you right now.”
He turned and walked away, leaving her standing by the side of the pond at the base of the waterfall.
She watched him go, arms wrapped around her torso.
It wasn’t until he had disappeared from view that Zoe realized that Xavier had deliberately left her alone and unprotected outside the cave for the first time since they’d met.
Chapter Fifteen
The moment he’d walked away, Xavier regretted it. He wanted to double back and tell Zoe that he was sorry. But her words kept echoing in his mind.
If you have a degree, my pack’s alpha is more likely to see you as worthy of being my mate.
Who the hell did she think she was?
Did she think she was better than him? That there was something about him that made him undeserving of her love? Was it possible that Zoe thought she was doing him some kind of favor by being with him?
I don’t need any favors from a city girl, he thought furiously. If anything, I’m doing her a favor by teaching her how to live in the wild. She didn’t even know how to clean a fish, for fuck’s sake!
By the time he reached the cave, he felt righteously angry. He stormed over to the remains of last night’s fire and began to build it up.
Louis, who was sitting beside a pile of berries he’d obviously collected fresh that morning and snacking, looked over at him. “What’s your problem?” he asked. “You look like someone pissed all over your breakfast. And where’s Zoe?”
“Zoe’s at the waterfall,” Xavier said.
Louis stared at him. “Alone? Are you crazy? The bears are still out there.”
“I thought you didn’t care about her,” Xavier said.
“Don’t be an ass.” Louis got to his feet. “And don’t eat my berries.”
Xavier thought about saying that he was the alpha around here and that Louis couldn’t tell him what to do, but even in his head, it sounded so pathetic that he couldn’t bring himself to utter the words. He focused his attention on the fire, building it up higher than it really needed to be, until the heat from the flames was enough to distract him from the rage burning within him.
Twenty minutes later, Louis returned with Zoe in tow. She looked as if she’d been crying. Something deep and primal rose up in Xavier at the sight of her looking so upset—he wanted to go to her, to comfort and defend her.
Worthy of being my mate.
He kept his focus firmly on the fire.
“You can’t leave her out in the woods alone, you idiot,” Louis said. “I don’t want to deal with your drama if the bears get her. And I definitely don’t want to go out and fight with them to get her back, which I know for a fact you would make us do.”
“I’m sorry, Louis,” Zoe said quietly. “I shouldn’t have left the cave.”
“He’s the alpha around here,” Louis said, jerking a thumb in Xavier’s direction. “It’s his job to keep you in line.”
Zoe looked crestfallen.
“I don’t know what’s going on here,” Louis said. “But you two better talk about it and work it out. I’m going hunting for the day.”
“You don’t have to do that, Louis,” Xavier said. “We have enough food.”
“I need some space,” Louis said. “And you two need the privacy to work out your issues. It’s destructive to the pack.” He pulled his shirt over his head. “I’ll be in human form today. Trapping, mostly, I guess. In case you want to look for me.”
Was that a hint? Was Louis trying to tell Xavier that he wanted him to come along?
If so, he wasn’t being very clear. He turned and jogged out of the cave, leaving Xavier on his own with Zoe.
Xavier still didn’t want to talk to her. He added fuel to the fire and said nothing.
“Xavier,” she said.
He snapped a stick over his knee and fed the pieces into the flame, one at a time.
“Xavier, can we at least talk about it?”
He grunted. He wished he was in wolf form. Wolves had no need to spend so much of their time talking about everything. As a wolf, he could just snarl at her and she would go away.
Humans didn’t do that. Humans didn’t know when to let it lie.
“We don’t have to do it,” Zoe said. “I’m not saying we have to.”
“You can’t say we have to,” he pointed out. “I’m your alpha. I say.”
“I know,” she said, and he saw to his dismay that her eyes were filling with tears again. “I know you do, Xavier. And I’ll do whatever you want. Really, I will.”
“Well, good for you,” he said. “I suppose I ought to get down on my knees and thank you for being so cooperative. I suppose I ought to be grateful that I have an omega who’s willing to listen to me. Is that it?”
“No, that’s not—”
“You can’t take back what you said,” he told her. “You said I wasn’t worthy.”
“I did not say that,” she protested. “I said that my old pack might not think so. That doesn’t mean I think they’re right, Xavier!”
“If you don’t thin
k they’re right, then why do you care about impressing them?” he asked. “What difference does it make to you?” He held up a hand. “And don’t tell me it’s about the money.”
“It is about the money,” she said. “Wouldn’t it have been wrong of me not to even tell you that the money existed? Not to even tell you that there was a chance we could claim it? Do you want me to hold information back from you, Xavier?”
“Then what should I have done?” she asked him. “I had to tell you about the trust fund.”
“Did your old alpha actually say that only a graduate of Shifter University would be a worthy match for you?” Xavier asked.
“No,” she admitted.
“No,” he said. “That’s something you think.”
“It’s something I think he would think. It’s not my personal belief.”
“Why?” Xavier asked. “Why would he need that?”
“I don’t know—”
“Then answer the question I asked you earlier,” he said. “Suppose I lived a human life instead of an animal one. Suppose I lived in the city and had a job and wore three-piece suits—and I’d never been to that school. Do you think your old alpha would be all right with me then?”
Zoe didn’t answer.
“Go on,” Xavier said. “Tell me.”
“Yes,” she said at last. “I think he would.”
“But he never said that to you either, did he?”
“No,” she said.
“That’s something you think too.”
“I think these things because I know him, Xavier,” she said. “I grew up in his house. I know what he believes. I know what he values. It’s not about what I think is good or important. Can’t you see that?”
“This is the person who raised you,” Xavier said. “This is the set of values you were raised with.”
“You grew up in a pack, too,” she said. “Growing up in a pack doesn’t mean you can’t learn to live wild.”
“No,” he said. “It doesn’t. But I can see how much you want to go back. I can see how much you want to get that money. And now all I can think about is what you want to do with it.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“This isn’t going to be the last argument,” Xavier said. “If we disagree so fundamentally about this, it’s going to keep happening. Why do you want that money, Zoe? Tell me the truth.”
“I just wanted you to know about it,” she said again.
“No,” he said. “If that was all it was, you would have dropped the subject by now, and we would have moved on. You don’t just want me to know about it. You want us to claim that trust. Admit it.”
She looked down at her hands. “All right,” she said. “Fine. I do.”
“Why?”
“Suppose we have children—”
“You want them to have the chance to attend that school. You don’t trust that I can teach them what they need to know in the wild.” He shook his head. “You’re not committed to this life for our pack. It’s obvious.”
“It isn’t just that,” she said.
“But that’s part of it?”
“I’m committed to this life for myself,” she said. “But when our children grow up, we can’t choose for them. What if our parents could have chosen for us, Xavier? Neither you nor I would be here right now.”
She had a point. He didn’t want to admit it, but she did. “You said that was only a part of it,” he reminded her, unwilling to stay on this point, unwilling to concede that her argument had made even an iota of sense to him.
She swallowed, and he could see that she was summoning her courage. “What if we want our children to be born in a hospital?” she asked.
Xavier felt as if he had been slapped in the face.
For several long moments, he couldn’t even find words. He couldn’t frame a response to what she had said. It was so ludicrous, so beyond what was remotely acceptable...how could she expect him to take a suggestion like that seriously?
“A hospital?” he said at last.
He saw her shiver. “It’s only an idea,” she said quietly.
“You’re not joking?”
“I’m just saying what if.”
“Zoe,” he said, “shifters never give birth in hospitals. That’s not something specific to my lifestyle. Don’t they teach you girls how to help each other give birth at your college? Don’t you have birthing classes to teach you how to handle it when it’s you?”
“Yes,” Zoe said. “But I never did well in those classes. And I always thought it wasn’t such a big deal, that I could just go to a hospital if I really wanted to.”
“How could you do that?” Xavier demanded. “Omegas give birth to entire litters, Zoe. You don’t think that would raise any eyebrows among human doctors and nurses?”
“I was born in a hospital,” Zoe said quietly.
“Well, of course you were,” he snapped. “I should have known that, I suppose.”
“What does that mean?” she asked him.
“You’re human,” he told her. “Human through and through. I don’t know why I ever let myself believe you were capable of living wild. Look at you. If I hadn’t seen you shift, I wouldn’t believe you were a shifter at all.”
“I don’t know how you can say that,” she said. “I’ve been doing well out here.”
“You’ve been barely getting by. If it weren’t for Louis and me picking up the slack, you would have died several times by now. Even if your original injuries hadn’t killed you, you wouldn’t have known how to get food. You wouldn’t have known how to make a fire. You don’t even know to stay in the fucking cave when there are savage bears on the loose!”
Xavier got to his feet and strode toward the back of the cave. He didn’t know where he was going, but he needed to move. Sitting still was driving him crazy.
“I need to get out of this cave,” he said. “I’m going to go and find Louis.”
“Xavier, no, don’t—”
“You should stay here,” he said. “You don’t belong on a hunt. You’re too human for that.”
She hugged her knees to her chest and said nothing.
“Do you think you can manage to stay in the cave?” he asked her. “I don’t want you running off while I’m out.”
“I’ll stay,” she said quietly. “You can trust me.”
“Good,” he said. “Because the last thing I need right now is for you to get yourself killed or kidnapped.”
“You wouldn’t want to have to lead Louis into a fight to rescue me,” she said.
“No,” Xavier said. “I wouldn’t.”
Zoe retreated to her blanket nest and curled up, staring into the flickering flame of the fire.
He watched her for a moment. Even now, in the wake of their bitter argument, he loved her. Even now, he was attracted to her. There was a part of him that wanted to go to her and rip away her clothes, fuck her until they both forgot why they were angry, hold her down and make her swear that she would give up every human part of herself and just be his.
His wolf.
His omega.
But he couldn’t do it.
If that wasn’t who she was—if that wasn’t who she wanted to be—he couldn’t force her. He would never forgive himself.
He turned and strode out of the cave, leaving her huddled up behind him.
Once he had left the cave, he did not go looking for Louis. Instead, he stripped out of his clothes and assumed his wolf form, setting off at a high speed through the trees.
At last, he was comfortable. At last, he could put the thoughts that had been tormenting him from his mind and just run.
He did his best to lose himself in sensation—the pull of his muscles as he ran faster and faster, the scent of damp earth and living things, the sounds of small mammals darting out of the way when they heard his massive predatory body moving toward them. Usually, it was easy for Xavier to forget himself in a run. Usually, it was easy to let his mind go blank.
/> But maybe he had been in human form too long this time. Maybe it had been too long since he had returned to his wolf self.
For whatever reason, the thoughts continued to batter at his mind and refused to leave him alone.
She wants to give birth in a hospital.
She wants our children to go to school.
She doesn’t think I’m worthy of being her mate.
He wanted to be angry with Zoe. He wanted to hate her. He wanted to run back to the cave and dominate her, order her to fall in line and to never turn her head away from the lifestyle Xavier had so carefully carved out for his pack.
And he could do it. He knew that. He was her alpha, and he had seen her follow his orders. She was fully submissive to him. If he ordered her to stop talking about the trust fund, to forget her old pack and the way she had once lived, she would have to do it.
But it was an order he couldn’t bring himself to give.
He wished he had never met her. He wished he had never imprinted on her. A city girl like her—a human girl—she was all wrong for him, in every possible way.
But he couldn’t order her not to be the person she was. It would have broken his heart to do it. And it would have destroyed everything that was good in her.
It would be the hardest thing Xavier had ever had to do. But he was going to have to end his relationship with Zoe. He would have to let her go.
Chapter Sixteen
ZOE
Zoe had expected that Xavier and Louis would return to the cave together, but Xavier came back alone. He had only been gone for about an hour.
She sat up and wiped her eyes, a feeling of relief sweeping through her. She had agonized at his departure. Having him back was such a relief that she wanted to fling herself into his arms. She wanted to tell him that nothing else mattered, as long as they were together. What did she care about money!
She wished she had never even mentioned that awful money!
She searched his face, looking for any trace of anger. There was none. He just looked tired and defeated. He came over and sat beside her, and for a moment, he looked as if he was going to put his arm around her, but then he didn’t.
“Are you all right?” she asked him quietly.