by Niyah Moore
“I don’t. That’s why I asked you. I’d rather hear that kind of shit from you.”
“If ya ain’t heard it from me, then it ain’t true, point-blank, period.”
Before I could read him to determine if he was telling the truth or not, the photographer was walking our way.
“Desire, are you ready?” she asked. “You look glamorous, by the way.”
“I’m ready. Thank you.” I smiled.
I followed her over to the backdrop.
She took over a hundred shots of me, and I changed clothes two more times. When the shoot was over, she uploaded the photographs. Luxury stared at them on the computer screen and chose his favorites. I got to add my input too. I was impressed at the raw photos. Once the Photoshop editing was done, my album was going to be perfect.
Luxury said to the photographer, “I’ll have our assistant, Egypt, look out for the final shots.”
“It was a pleasure to work with you and Desire. She’s gorgeous and looks good on camera.”
“Thank you so much, again,” I told her and smiled. Then I walked to the dressing room with Luxury.
“You did good, baby, but you almost pissed me off with that rumor shit,” he said.
“I was thinking about it . . . I know this all happened before we got together, so . . . I’m not going to worry about it.”
“You shouldn’t worry about shit. Your man is handling it,” he replied. “Now let’s go have us some dinner. You hungry?”
I nodded. “I’m starving.”
“Good, ’cause I am too. Get changed.”
I walked into the dressing room, and Lala helped me get out of my clothes. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Luxury had kept his past dealings with other women a secret from me. Why? I wondered. I didn’t care that the kids possibly were or weren’t his, but I felt that I should’ve known from the jump that these allegations were swirling around.
When I walked out of the dressing room, Luxury was ending a call. He was breathing hard and gritting his teeth.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Frill just got fuckin’ arrested.”
“What? For what?”
“Bullshit.” He walked toward the exit.
I followed him. “Bullshit like what?”
He stopped walking and faced me. “Some dumb street shit.”
“Street shit like what? Drugs?”
“Not using drugs, but . . .” The muscles in his masculine jawline danced while he gritted his teeth. “Now is not the time to explain or go into detail. I gotta get him out, or Mama will kill me.”
“You got a lawyer?” I asked him.
“Of course. I have the best lawyers that money can buy, baby.”
I observed him, stared intensely into his eyes. He wouldn’t maintain eye contact with me.
This wasn’t making sense to me. Why would Frill get arrested for street shit like selling drugs? He was making way too much money to be involved in the drug scene. That got me to thinking that all of them still had ties to the drug business.
“Are you still in the street shit too? You the plug?” I quizzed.
“Stop askin’ all these fuckin’ questions. You don’t need to know everything. I don’t want you to be into this if it gets ugly. Matter of fact, you don’t know nothing. Follow me.”
We walked outside and got in his car. As we rode, I turned up the music to help change my mood. Hearing that shit about his potential baby-mama drama had rattled me a little. I wanted Luxury to be up front and honest with me. I realized that if I wished to get honesty, I had to look into Luxury’s eyes, because they were the windows to his soul. Everything I needed to know was written beyond those slanted deep brown eyes.
14
DESIRE
Saving Grace
Luxury bailed Frill out, but he wouldn’t be released for a few hours, so Luxury wanted me to go get something to eat and head home without him, because he needed to talk to Frill about some things. At first, I was a little upset. I didn’t like how Luxury was trying to kick this incident under the rug. If he wanted to marry me, how come I didn’t know everything? This wasn’t about me meddling in his business, either. This was about me knowing exactly who he was and what he was into.
It was times like these when I missed Mina so much. I wished I had other friends whom I could call up and kick it with. I wished I had clicked a bit with Egypt, Nia, and Lala, but I hadn’t really tried.
Luxury drove me to my car, which was parked outside the spot where we had the photo shoot, and then he went on his way. I was hungry as hell and wanted some good soul food, so I headed to one of my favorite spots.
I drove with my new, unreleased album playing. My music was surreal to me. I wasn’t sure if I could ever get used to hearing myself. The song I had written for Mina came on, and I cried a little as I listened to it. Living my life without her was hard, and at times, the pain was too much, but Luxury helped me keep myself together. After pulling up to the curb near the restaurant, I dried my tears and got out.
I walked into the restaurant and looked at the menu before I ordered three fried chicken wings, mac ’n’ cheese, greens, yams, and corn-bread muffins. I paid for my food. As I waited for my order, I scrolled through Facebook to see what was going on, on my page. Ever since Luxury had told me to create a fan page, I had all these likes. People were telling me how much they loved the music. When my food was ready, I took the bag and walked out.
A bunch of niggas were hanging out outside the restaurant. They had their music turned up, and they were trying to talk over it. In the group was that man whom I had seen at the bank earlier. I walked toward my car, acting like I didn’t recognize him.
“Why you walking so damn fast? Slow down,” he said from behind me.
I turned to look at him, and I couldn’t help but notice how fly he looked in his dark jeans and white button-up shirt. Baby was looking good. There was no doubt about that. I was irritated with Luxury, and there was no telling if he was being straight up about his baby mama issues. Other than Luxury, I didn’t have any friends. I needed someone other than him in my corner.
“How long have you been living here?” I asked, remembering he had said he was new to the city.
“About a week,” he replied, showing the gold grill on his bottom teeth.
“You got family out here or something?”
“Something like that.”
“Where you from?” I asked.
“New York. Harlem.”
“Interesting,” I responded, taking note of his New York accent.
“How so?” he asked before he licked his lips and held his hands in front of his waist.
“I’ve never met anyone from New York before. So, um, what brings you to Miami?”
“The weather . . . I needed a change. I love the weather here. You from here?”
I didn’t respond to that question, because I didn’t want him to get the whole scoop that quickly. “Well, I don’t want to be rude, but I’m hungry, and I need to get home.”
He stared at my bag. “Eating alone tonight?”
“My man’s at work, so yeah, most likely. Where’s your better half?”
“My better half? Yo, I’m single, very single. Wait, I feel like I gotta introduce myself all over again, since I doubt you remember my name.”
He was right. I didn’t remember his name. I just knew that I needed someone I could talk to during the times Luxury was too busy for me. My best friend was dead, and I had no one. What would it hurt?
“I’m sorry. I don’t.”
“Nasim.” He extended his hand. “My name is Nasim.”
I shook his hand. “My name is . . .” I paused, debating whether I should give my stage name or my real name. “Desire.”
“Is that what ya mama named you?”
“That’s just what everyone calls me.”
“Is that what you would like for me to call you?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
&n
bsp; “A’ight. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Desire. Here, take my number. I know you gotta get home to eat your food while it’s still hot, so I won’t keep you.”
I took my phone out of my purse, and he gave me his number. I saved his number in my phone and called the contact N. Though I had a lock on my phone, I didn’t know if Luxury was the type to spy.
“Well, it was good seeing you. I’ll be in touch,” I said.
“A’ight. Cool.” He licked his lips and watched me get into my car.
I put my food on the passenger seat and drove off. My phone was ringing, and I didn’t recognize the number, but I picked up, anyway.
“Hello?”
“Damn, big shot. You lightweight famous and you can’t call your only brother?”
“Jav?” I asked. I couldn’t believe my ears. I hadn’t heard from my brother since I left home.
“Yeah, who else would it be? I got your number out of Papi’s phone.”
I was so happy to hear from him. “Oh my God. Brother, what’s up? Where you been?”
“Home. You act like you don’t know where that is. I’ve heard you all on the radio. I didn’t think rap was your thing, but you’re good at it.”
I laughed. “Shut up. How’s Papi? You know, I haven’t heard from him in a while.”
“Well, that’s why I’m calling you. I know you don’t need any news like this right now, especially since Mina passed. Papi is in the hospital and has been for a while. It’s not looking too good. He’s dying, Desi.”
“Dying? Wait? What?”
“He’s at the end stage of lung cancer. He’s asking about you, saying he really wants to see you. Can you come up here, like, right now?”
My heart plummeted. Fear crept over me like an icy chill, numbing me. There was no question that I would be there. My mind could register only that I had to be at my dad’s side in his last moments.
“I’m on my way. Where is he?”
* * *
I sped to the hospital as fast as I could. Thinking about my dad dying, I couldn’t eat. With everything going on in my life recently, I hadn’t called to check up on him, and I felt terrible about it. I felt as if I was living in hell on Earth, and it took everything in me to stay strong right now.
Javier met me in the lobby of the hospital, and we hugged and cried for a little while. I couldn’t help but notice he looked a lot different than he had the last time I saw him. The obvious thing was that he had lost a lot of weight. He looked good in his fitted dark chinos that stopped at his ankles, his loafers without socks, and a mint-green button-up, which he had paired with a sports jacket that matched his chinos. His hair was slicked back into a ponytail, and his face was free of all facial hair.
“It’s good to see you,” he said when we finally wiped our tears.
It felt good to hear him say that, because all our lives, we had talked major shit to one another.
“It’s nice to see you too,” I said. “I need to see Papi.”
Javier nodded.
I followed him to the elevator and then to Papi’s room. At the door I paused, not sure if I was ready to go inside. I took a deep breath before Javier opened the door for me.
As I walked inside that hospital room, my heart felt like it had left my chest.
Mama was holding Papi’s hand tightly, crying her eyes out. As soon as she saw me, she wiped her tears but wouldn’t make eye contact. A look of disgust appeared on her face, but I ignored her. I thought about speaking to her, but the look on her face prevented me from saying even hello. She moved over so I could be at my dad’s side. At least she did that.
I stared at my father. He was skin and bones, pale as a ghost. His face couldn’t mask the ordeal going on inside his body. Cancer had taken his hair. He was almost unrecognizable.
“Oh, Papi,” I let out, tears flowing down my face. I kissed him on the forehead.
He looked into my eyes with tears in his own, and I sensed that he was shocked to see me. His lips parted slightly, as if he was about to speak.
“My baby,” he whispered. “Desirae.”
I took his hand in mine and held it, feeling my heart crumble. “I love you, Papi.”
“I love you more,” he whispered back.
I looked over at Javier, who had stationed himself at the end of the bed. “Why didn’t anyone call me sooner?” I asked him, crying hysterically.
“He didn’t want anyone to know. You know Papi. So secretive.”
“Papi . . . ,” I cried, laying my cheek on his chest.
“I’m sorry,” Papi said.
First Mina. Now Papi. This was too much. As I cried, it felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. From my mouth came a sound that a wounded animal might make.
“How long you gonna be here?” Mama asked with an attitude.
I stopped crying at that moment, but my chest was so tight that I couldn’t breathe. How heartless could this bitch be? I wanted to be here for my dad, and she couldn’t wait for me to leave. Instead of keeping her feelings to herself, she had voiced them, without a care in the world about my feelings.
“Papi, I’m here for you,” I said, making sure she could hear me.
He nodded, and I felt him try to squeeze my hand, but he was weak. “Thank you, baby.”
“Okay, he saw you. Now you can go,” Mama uttered in the nastiest tone.
“Why do you hate me so much?” I asked her, tears cascading down my face.
She rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth. “Please, don’t start with me.”
“You’re starting with me. Just let me have my time with my papi, please.”
“I know you’re a rapper, or whatever you call yourself these days, but don’t forget who you’re talking to.”
“Enough,” Papi said. He attempted to shout, but it came out as a whisper.
“Mama, let her have this time with Papi,” Javier interjected.
She rolled her eyes and said, “Text me when she’s gone. I don’t care to share the same air.” She stormed out of the room.
I closed my eyes, feeling the pain of my mother’s cruel words, but then I let it all go and went back to looking at Papi’s face.
“She loves you,” Papi said.
“Oh, no, I don’t believe that.”
“She just has high—” Papi stopped to cough.
“Papi, please don’t try to talk. You can’t even breathe,” Javier said. “Give him a sip of that water, Desi.”
I picked up the cup and put the straw up to his lips. Papi took a sip and lay back, with his eyes closed.
“Now that she’s out of here, I got something to say to you, Desi,” Javier said.
“Me?” I asked, wiping my tears again. “What’s up?”
“Well, I don’t know if you noticed the change in me.”
I looked at him. “I have. You lost some weight, right?”
“Yes, I have.”
“You look amazing, Jav.”
“Thank you. I’m moving out of the house.”
“What? It’s about fuckin’ time. Where you moving to?”
“Orlando.” He paused before he added, “With my boyfriend.”
Boyfriend? I looked at him closely to see if I had heard him right. I had never suspected that Javier was gay. I mean, he had never had a girlfriend, but I had thought it was because he didn’t know how to talk to girls.
“That’s fabulous news, Jav. Are you happy?”
“Extremely,” he said, beaming.
“Congratulations. Does Mama know?”
He shook his head vigorously. “Uh, no, but I think she suspects. I came out to Papi a long time ago, and he said if I told Mama, it would break her heart, so I couldn’t. I just feel like I have to tell her, before someone else does.”
“I understand. I’m happy you get to go and do you. I love you, Jav.”
I reached for a hug. He hugged me tightly.
“I love you too, li’l sis. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”
&nb
sp; “I can tell. Well, keep in touch with me. You’ll be far, but I’m only a phone call away.”
He smiled, but then his expression turned serious when he looked over at Papi. “I’m just glad he got to see you.”
“I know. I’m glad too.” More tears fell from my eyes.
We stayed right at Papi’s side until he took his last breath early the next morning. To no surprise, my mother did not come back in the room until I was gone.
15
LUXURY
Drive Me Crazy
After bailing Frill out, I tried to call Desire to see if she wanted me to bring her anything to eat, but she wasn’t answering. I kept calling. When her phone started sending me straight to voicemail, I figured either her phone had died or she’d turned her phone off because I was annoying her. Either way, I didn’t play that shit. All she had to do was let me know what was up. I wasn’t sure if she was mad off that baby rumor and these fake wannabe baby mamas or if she was mad because I couldn’t take her along with me to bail Frill out of jail. Whatever it was that was bothering her, all she had to do was say it.
She couldn’t go missing like this. She had a radio interview in the morning. Each time I called, anger boiled deeper in my system, and it wanted to flow out like fiery lava. My rage was churning within, and I felt I would self-destruct at any moment. The pressure I felt was about to force me to say some shit I didn’t mean. I almost left a few crazy-ass texts and voicemails for her, but then I stopped myself. What if she had been in a car accident?
I went home, and I stayed up, checking the news. I searched through all the local accident reports and didn’t see anything about Desire. I was relieved that she wasn’t hurt, but I was still mad. Each time I dozed off, I would wake up and check the garage to see if she had come home. Once again, I refrained from texting some crazy shit, but I wanted to so bad.
As I poured a drink and rolled a blunt, I started thinking she wasn’t coming back. I needed to relax, but then I thought of the worst. Like what if somebody had hurt my baby? What if she was lying out there in the street, bleeding to death? The shit with her best friend being executed like that had never sat well with me. What if whoever had killed her friend had wanted to do her in next? Hopefully, whatever that was about didn’t have anything to do with Desire, or somebody was going to have to feel my wrath.