by Niyah Moore
“I need to speak to him. The hospital won’t let him see me, because of the restraining order they made me file, but I have to talk to him.”
He looked just as surprised as I did.
“I’ll have him call you, and—”
“I’m right here,” he said, taking the phone from me. He broke down and cried to her. “I’m sorry, baby. I’ll never drink or pop pills again. Now, weed . . . I think I can control how many blunts I smoke, but that other shit, I’m done with.”
“I’m sorry too.” Desire paused and took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can get over this, but I have to try, because I found out today that . . . I’m pregnant.”
My eyes grew wide, and it felt like my heart had just been ripped to shreds. Just when I thought this was over between them, she had to hit him with this shit. But wait. Who was she pregnant by? I watched Luxury’s reaction to see if he was thinking what I was thinking. He broke down and shed more tears, and I just did not understand his feelings.
“I swear, Desire, I’ll never put my hands on you again. We’re having a baby? I could’ve killed . . .” He stopped himself. “I’m so sorry.”
“They want me to press charges, but I’m not going to. I can’t bring myself to do it. I know you. I know your heart. Just give me a few weeks to deal and heal, okay? Please, don’t call up here. I’ll call you.”
“Yeah . . .” He paused for a long time before he handed me the phone. Then he sat on my couch and cried into his hands for a few minutes.
I stood there in silence. The sound of his crying was breaking my heart. I took a few tissues from my Kleenex box and handed them to him.
“You want some water or anything?” I offered.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
I went into the kitchen and fixed him a glass of ice water.
As I handed it to him, he said, “She’s pregnant.”
“I heard her. You think it’s yours?”
He didn’t respond as he sipped the water.
I shook my head. His constant denial was killing me. Why wouldn’t he think the baby was Nas’s?
“I know you’ve been through this scenario too many times, Luxury. I just feel like this time, you—”
“Except this time, she’s my wife,” he barked, looking at me like I was crazy. “Desire fucked around, so I gotta consider that the baby ain’t mine, but at the same time, even if this baby is his, she’s still my wife.”
I put my hands up and walked over to the microwave to pull out my food. “You’re right. I mean, you know her better than anyone, but you gotta be smart. What happened last night? Why did you do that to her?”
He took a deep breath and replied, “She said she was done with me and wanted to leave me. I was doing stupid shit, flirting with the next bitch in her face, but I was mad. I was on some pills, some drink, and I just lost it. I kept thinking about her leaving me.”
“You think she still wants to leave now?”
“I don’t know. I hope we can work this out. I gotta give up the drugs. I’m checking into rehab. I gotta do better for my family.”
I prayed he wasn’t setting himself up for another disappointment. He was too good for Desire. She didn’t deserve to have him. I walked over to him and sat next to him.
“That’s a great start,” I told him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
I rubbed his back and stared into his eyes. For a moment, we stared at one another. I inched slowly toward him, and he didn’t move. I felt my lips on him, and he pulled back.
He looked perplexed but didn’t say anything. I searched his eyes to see what he was thinking and if there was a small part of him that wanted me the way that I wanted him.
“I’m in love with you,” I confessed. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from saying anything else. I hadn’t meant to say that much.
“Be for real with me, E. How long have you felt like this?”
“Since we were kids. You remember that time Clarence hit me in the face with that four-square ball?”
“Yeah. I beat that nigga’s ass.”
I laughed. “That was when I knew I loved you, and the feeling has never left.”
“We were in the fourth grade, E.”
“I know.”
“What you knew about love at nine or ten years old?”
I shrugged. “I can’t explain it. Because you’ve protected me all these years, that’s why I’m so overprotective all the time.”
He nodded slowly. “Hey, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way or fuck up our friendship. You’ve been there for me through thick and thin, and I appreciate everything that you’ve done. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I was too afraid. You always had some chick on your arm. I couldn’t find the right time.”
“And you think right now is the right time?”
I shrugged, feeling tears come to my eyes. “I figured I’d shoot my shot.”
He looked me in the eyes and said, “I want you to know that I care about you and I love you . . .”
“But not in the way that I love you.”
He shook his head. “No, and I’m sorry, E. You’ve been my best fuckin’ friend ever since I can remember. You’re beautiful, and you’re the shit. I’ll kill anybody for you. I just can’t be with you like that.”
My tears fell down my cheeks. I wiped them away and sniffled. “It’s okay. Hey, listen, I can’t work for you anymore. It’s getting too hard for me.”
“You for real?”
I nodded. I was hurt and upset that I had put my feelings out there, and Luxury had dismissed them like what I was feeling was just some childhood crush. I was driving myself crazy by continuing to work for him. I couldn’t assist Desire when I couldn’t stand looking at her.
“I don’t want you to quit because of this, but I think I understand why. You know if you ever need a job, I got you. You know what you want to do?”
“Go back to school and just do some new things. I need a vacation, for starters . . .” I stood up. “I’m going to go rest a little now. You know where everything is.” I headed to my bedroom, fighting my tears.
As soon as I was in my bedroom and the door was closed, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Why couldn’t he be with me? I didn’t understand. He would rather be with someone who treated him like shit? Through the years, I had had to sit back and watch bitches do this to him. I was tired of it. I wasn’t going to sit back anymore and watch the man I loved waste his time.
37
DESIRE
Love Can Still Thrive
After the doctor told me I would be released in a few hours, I closed my eyes to get some sleep. I hadn’t slept much since my arrival, because I just kept replaying the night in my head, thinking about what I could’ve done or said differently. Luxury on drugs wasn’t the same Luxury I knew. We had both realized that. I wasn’t trying to make excuses for his behavior, because he was foul for what he had done, but I also owned my shit. But at the end of the day, I loved him. I wasn’t some stupid bitch who let a nigga pound on her just to stay in a relationship. If he ever did this shit again, we were done.
My cracked cell phone chimed from the table on the side of the hospital bed. Though I was sleepy, I reached to see who had texted me. Even though my screen was all messed up from my cell hitting the concrete, I could still read my messages.
N: Are you okay?
My heart felt like it stopped for a moment. What if I was having Nasim’s baby? What was I going to do? Luxury would leave me and wouldn’t want to have shit to do with me.
Me: I’m okay. Going home in a few hours.
N: Can I see you?
Me: Not a good idea. I have to tell you something, though.
N: Okay. What’s up?
Me: I’m pregnant.
N: Can you call me?
Me: I don’t want to talk right now.
N: Okay. Does your husband know? Is that why he flipped out?
Me: He knows, bu
t that’s not why we got into it. Look, I’m tired, and I need to get some rest.
N: Okay. Call me as soon as possible. I don’t like to talk about this kind of thing over the phone.
I put the phone back on the table. I had already made up my mind that Luxury was going to pay to buy a new one since it was his fault it was broken. I had closed my eyes to try to get some sleep when my hospital door opened. I could not believe my eyes when my mother walked in. She was alone. I hoped she wasn’t here to start no shit with me. I wouldn’t be able to handle that.
Her hair was pulled back into a bun, and she was wearing a cute pair of jeans and a red blouse. She stood at the foot of the bed and didn’t come any closer. She saw my bruised face and busted lip. As tears welled up in her eyes, I didn’t know how to react. This was the most emotion I had ever seen from her. Her mouth had wrinkle lines, and her forehead was covered in wrinkles from frowning so much. Now she looked as if she were permanently frowning.
“Are you okay?” she asked, looking into my eyes.
I heard her say the words, but I couldn’t believe she was asking me if I was okay.
“I’m okay. How are you?”
“I’m doing. Javier left for Orlando a few weeks ago. He moved with some guy. Crazy how he thinks he can’t talk to me. I know he’s gay, but he still hides it.”
“Yeah, it’s tough to talk to you sometimes.”
She looked around the room, at the flowers, the balloons, and the cards Nia and Lala had sent, before her eyes landed back on me.
“I came here to tell you that I don’t hate you. You asked me why I hated you when your father was dying, and I didn’t know how to respond. I see so much of me in you. I’ve been too hard on you, because I didn’t want you to end up like me, without work experience, without any skills other than taking care of kids and being a wife. I had dreams, too, you know. Diego treated you like the golden child. He always doted so proudly on you, no matter what kind of mess you were in. My father never did for me what Diego did for you. I guess you can say I was so jealous . . . ” She paused, as she had started to cry.
“Ma, don’t cry. I—”
“No, I’m okay. I won’t cry. I said I wouldn’t cry. I thought that if I was hard on you, you would be tough and ready for this ugly-ass world. Now I’m all alone. My husband is dead. My son has moved away, and my daughter thinks that I hate her. I do not hate you. I love you, Desirae, and don’t you forget that.”
Tears left my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them. I had waited all my life to hear her say that to me. She came to the side of the bed and hugged me. We cried together. Felt good to let go of all the years of frustration and all the times we had bumped heads.
She wiped my tears with her hands. “Don’t you ever let no man do this to your beautiful face again. I don’t know if you plan to stay with him, but you make him pay in the worst way the next time.”
“There won’t be a next time, Ma.”
“You be sure of that. He bruised you up.”
“I know. It was one big misunderstanding.”
“Listen, there will always be a misunderstanding, but the moment a joker puts his hands on you, you gotta fight back. I wasn’t there, and I’m not judging you. I just hope this never happens again.”
“It won’t.” I paused, debating whether I should tell her my news. “I’m pregnant.”
She smiled and hugged me again. “Really? Is the baby okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m six weeks along. I found out when I got here.”
“Everything is going to be okay.” She hugged me tighter and held me for a little while. “I’ll let you get some rest. You can call me anytime. The number is still the same.”
“Okay. I love you, Mama,” I said.
“I love you too, honey. Get some rest. Oh, and another thing, when I see you on TV, I feel so proud of you. I may not care for the music, but that’s okay.” She kissed my cheek before she walked out of my room.
My heart was warm. I was glad she hadn’t said, “I told you so,” or tried to belittle me. I was delighted she could accept me for the woman I had become rather than the problem-creating teenager I used to be. To know that she had reflected on my words and my truth made me feel so good. No longer would we hurt one another with our mean comments. I just wished Papi and Mina were alive, so I could tell them all about it. I was sure they were smiling down at me from heaven.
38
DESIRE
Torn
I was in a little bit of pain for a few days while I recuperated at home. Luxury hadn’t been to the house, because he was giving me some space, which I needed. I had a lot on my mind. This whole pregnancy thing was too much. I pulled out my cell phone to look at my calendar and counted back nine weeks, which included my period. The week after my period had been when I was in Spain, which was when Luxury came to visit, and a few days later, Id slept with Nasim unprotected. I hadn’t given it any thought, because I had never had a pregnancy scare in my life. The idea of not keeping the baby came to mind, but then again, it didn’t matter who the father was. This was my baby. I did some research and found out that I could have a paternity blood test done as early as eight weeks. The sooner I got it done, the better.
I had to go to Luxury’s court hearing, and since I didn’t file any charges, the judge gave him community service hours, and he agreed to go to rehab and anger management. I had to go to another court hearing so the judge could lift the restraining order. I explained to the judge that I didn’t feel like my life was in any danger and that it had been a domestic dispute. The judge made the final decision and lifted the order. I left before Luxury could make his way over to me. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.
As soon as I made it home, Nasim was calling. I hadn’t contacted him since I left the hospital, so I decided to pick up.
“Hello?”
“So, you left the Range sitting in front of my house this morning, but you didn’t come in or let me know? Where’re the keys?”
“They’re behind your big ceramic pot. I felt it was better to give it back.”
“Yo, you could’ve just knocked on the door and put the keys in my hand. I thought you wanted to talk, anyway.”
“I do. Look, I did some research and found out that we can do a paternity blood test while I’m pregnant. I want you and me to do this so that Luxury and I can know for sure.”
“Oh, so you working things out with Luxury? After what he did to you?”
“Don’t say it like that. This is hard enough.”
He blew air out of his mouth as he sighed. “So, when and where do you want me to meet you?”
“I’ll send you the address. The appointment is tomorrow, at nine a.m. Can you make it?”
“Yeah, I can. What if the baby is mine, Desire? You still want to be with him?”
I paused. I loved Luxury, and he loved me. This fling I had had with Nasim was only a fling.
“We just have to wait and see.”
The phone went silent.
“Hello?” I said.
When he didn’t say anything, I pulled my cell away from my ear and saw that he had hung up on me.
I pulled up the address to the DNA diagnostic center and sent it to him. He texted back that he would meet me there. I started to feel dizzy, so I walked up the stairs to the bedroom. As soon as I made it to the top, I felt the urge to throw up. I put my hand over my mouth to stop it all from coming up until I made it to the bathroom. After I puked, I washed my hands and mouth. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, wondering if I could really go through with this.
* * *
I showed up at the DNA diagnostic center on time, and to my surprise, Nasim did not show up. I blew his phone up, demanding to know where he was, and my call kept going straight to voicemail. Either he had blocked my calls or his phone was turned off.
After waiting for thirty minutes, the receptionist said, “Mrs. Monnahan, you’ll have to reschedule.”
“Okay. No problem.”
I walked out of that center, feeling pissed off. I wanted to get this shit over with. Now I was going to have to wait on Nasim. This was bullshit. I could have Luxury do the test, but I hadn’t talked to him much about the pregnancy. Since Nasim wasn’t answering my calls, I drove over to his house.
While heading that way, I received a call from Luxury.
“Hello?” I said when I answered.
“Hey. I meant to tell you thanks for coming to court yesterday. You really didn’t have to drop the charges.”
“I know, but I wanted to . . .”
“Is it okay if I come home now?”
“You can come home. When will you be on your way?”
“I have a few things to tie up, and then I’ll be there. So a couple of hours. You at home now?”
“I’ll be home by the time you get there.”
“A’ight.”
“Okay. Bye.” I ended the call.
I was happy he was coming home, but I was hoping that I would have all the unresolved issues with Nasim resolved as much as possible by then. Giving back the Range was the first step to ending things. Why hadn’t he shown up for the DNA test? Didn’t he want to know if he was the father?
When I pulled up to his spot, I noticed the Range and his Porsche were gone. I got out of my car, anyway, and walked up to the door. I knocked and waited. No answer. I hit the door harder and waited. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his sister walking up the driveway, looking like Felicia on Friday. Hair frizzy and clothes hanging off her skinny body.
“Hey,” she said.
“Yeah?” I scowled.
“He ain’t here. He’s been gone since last night.”
“You see him when he left?”
She shook her head. “No, but his car has been gone for a while.”
“Okay. Thanks. If you see him, can you tell him that Desire came by?”
“A’ight . . . You got any spare change? I need to get these kids some hot dogs or something. Nas usually brings them lunch every day.”
I reached into my purse and handed her the only cash I had, which was a few one-dollar bills and some change. It was about four dollars in all.