Just as I go to pull out of the driveway, Cassidy’s car pulls up beside mine. She looks over and sees me and I see her face change. It’s unreadable and I hate it. Is that how she feels handling me all the time?
She gets out of the car.
I open my car door and brace myself for a verbal barrage. I expect a lecture about boundaries, something I know I need to work harder to follow. I expect a lot of things, but instead, Cassidy just walks right by me, towards the front door.
She clearly wants nothing to do with me or this conversation, but I’m not prepared to just let her walk away. This could be the last chance I see her for God knows how long.
That’s when it hits me. This is supposed to be about Lucy, but Lucy isn’t with her. She’s walking alone and my urge to talk to her is stronger than ever. As much as I want to say that this is all about our daughter, it’s not. It’s about us too. My emotions get the better of me. I get out of the car, standing by the door.
“Cassidy!” I call out her name, but she doesn’t respond to me. She continues to walk away.
Maybe I should let her go. Maybe I should let all of this go, but I can’t. I’ve never been the type of person who can let something go when I haven’t been able to speak my piece. Especially not when it involves something, I feel this strongly about...or someone I feel so strongly for.
“Cassidy!” I call her name out again.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting, since she ignored me the first time. But this time, she turns around. The expression on her face is something I haven’t seen from her before. It’s wild, infuriated. Emotions are jumbled together, leaving me speechless.
“What Oliver?” She finally snaps. She stops walking, hands hanging at her side. “What do you possibly want now?”
“I’m leaving to go back to New York tomorrow, but I can’t do that without talking to you first.”
“We have nothing left to talk about Oliver.”
“Do we not? Because the other night—”
“It was a mistake. It was a mistake because I was feeling sad and broken and you were there. I used you, which might be a new experience for you given how you’re usually the one who uses people.”
Cassidy speaks with venom, pain.
I try not to take offense to what she’s saying.
“Cassidy, you know that I never used you. I never used you for an alibi or an excuse. I never used you because I fell in love with you. I need you to understand that.”
“How do I know?” she asks, “You’ve never made me feel anything but used. You pile on excuses for your behavior and I’m just left accepting it. Enough is enough, Oliver. Go back to New York. Go back to pretending like this part of your life doesn’t exist.”
I take a step forward. There’s still a good bit of distance between the two of us, I don’t want to overcrowd her, especially right now.
“That’s the point, Cassidy. I don’t want to go back to how things were before. I was living like a fool. You know how I feel about you, how I feel about Lucy. The two of you are my family, whether you like it or not. I don’t want to pretend like the two of you don’t exist.”
“Oliver, stop. Stop saying what you think I want to hear,” she lifts a hand, wiping at her cheeks.
It’s hard to see in the dark but I think that she’s crying. Seeing Cassidy cry makes me feel even worse. I know that she’s not a big crier. It takes something special to make her cry, to break her down so low.
It’s hard to know that I’m the reason she’s crying; I’m the one who broke her down like this.
“I’m not, Cassidy. I’m not just trying to earn your affection back with pretty words. Haven’t you noticed that I’ve been nothing but open and honest with you these last few weeks? I’ve admitted mistakes, I’ve apologized, I’ve tried to prove to you that I’m not the bad guy that I was. Because I was a piece of shit, Cassidy. I left you alone when I shouldn’t have. I let shame and pride get in the way of our relationship, in me being involved with our child. I left you alone to do that and I’m so damn sorry.”
She’s crying harder now. I can hear it through the dim-lighting. I can see her wiping at her cheeks, hear quiet sobs. My heart is breaking. I want to go to her and wrap my arms around her. I want to bring her comfort, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m the one causing her pain?
When she speaks, it’s clear that Cassidy is trying to hide that she’s at her breaking point. It breaks me even more.
“I was so confused. I couldn’t help but wonder what did I do? Did I mess everything up by listening to you? Did you play me like a fool? Because I loved you so much, so hard, Oliver. I would’ve done anything for you, anything to keep our family together. You broke me and I was left wondering why.”
“I know, Cassidy. I know that I did that. As I said, I did something really shitty. You have to believe that I regret that and if you don’t, I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I do. Whether you decide to never speak to me again after tonight or –”
She cuts me off, “That’s the problem. I don’t want to never speak to you again. I want...I want you,” she admits it in the smallest voice, sounding weak, defeated. Like the demons that she’s been battling have won.
“If you want me, you can have me, Cassidy. I’m standing right here in front of you, letting you make all of the choices. I’ve done nothing but follow your lead this entire time and I still plan on doing so. Cassidy, if you want me, you have me. You’ve had me for years now.”
I see her slowly shake her head,
“That’s the thing, Oliver. I can’t...I can’t keep doing this. I know that if I wanted it, we’d be together, but I’m sure something in a few months from now would pull us apart again. We go around and around in a circle of being together and being apart. That’s not healthy...that’s not good. For you, or me...or for Lucy.”
“That’s the past Cassidy and maybe it’s hard to believe it, but I swear that nothing will pull us apart again. I was young and dumb back then. I would listen to those around me and allow them to make decisions for me. I didn’t know how to handle everything thrown at me and that affected you. You did nothing wrong, it was all on me. You’ve given me too many chances and I know that I’ve ruined all of them.”
“Oliver,” she sighs, “I don’t know if it’s possible to fix all of this between us.”
“Then we work on it, Cassidy. I’m not saying we should run off and get married tomorrow. I’m saying we give it a final chance. You let me continue proving to you every single day that I’m better than I was.”
“I don’t want to watch it crash and burn again. I don’t want to fall and get hurt. Don’t you get it? There’s more at stake now than just me, just us. I don’t want Lucy to watch me fall apart like I’ve done so many times because of you.”
Another stab in the gut, but I can’t argue. I’ve screwed everything up time and time again, breaking Cassidy and our relationship.
“I know, and you won’t. I swear we will take it slow. I can stay a few more weeks, we can see if it’s even possible for us to take this final jump. If not, I promise I’ll go back to New York and I won’t bother you again, at least not with feelings and second chances.”
“Don’t you get it, Oliver? I can’t trust you. I can’t trust a damn thing that you say because you’ve proven to me time and time again that you don’t mean a word that you say. Sure, you’ve been great these past few weeks, but I doubt that going forward you’re going to stay true to anything you say.”
“Cassidy –”
She cuts me off.
“No, because I can’t do it again, Oliver! I can’t! I can’t stand by and let you break my heart all over again. I’m so damn tired of crying because of you. I’m tired of having to look at your face every time you let me down. I’m tired of still caring about you when you clearly don’t care as much about me. I’m tired of loving you, Oliver. I’m just really, really tired.”
Right in front of me, Cassidy breaks
. She stops fighting back the tears, letting them fall, sobs echoing in the darkness around us. Her knees buckle and before I can think about what I’m doing, I move forward.
I wrap my arms around her, keeping her from falling to the ground. Instead, I lower the two of us, keeping Cassidy wrapped tightly in my arms. At first, she’s stiff to my touch, not wanting me to hold her. But quickly, her body relaxes. Her face is buried in my shoulder, crying. I can feel the tears leaking through the fabric of my shirt.
I feel my own heart breaking. The realization of what I’ve done to her fully dawning on me. When I first met Cassidy, I would never imagine her breaking down like this. She’s always seemed strong, able to take whatever’s been thrown at her. Did I really push her to her breaking point? Did I really break the woman that I love?
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know the right words to make it all go away. All I can do is hold her, keep her close to me. I rock her as we kneel on the cool ground, hoping to provide her some sense of comfort. I’m probably the last person who should be comforting her. I’m the one who broke her.
“Cassidy, you’re the strongest person I know,” I finally say, speaking into her hair. “You’ve dealt with my shit more than anybody else ever would or should. That says a lot about you and a lot about me. You’re doing an incredible job raising Lucy. She’s amazing and I know you’re going to continue doing amazing. I know that you’re tired. There’s so much on your plate, no thanks to me.”
I’ve never really been faced with the consequences of my actions before. I’ve done dumb shit my whole life. I’ve treated people like garbage, I’ve broken hearts without caring how the other person would feel. I don’t think it’s because I just don’t care about others, I think it’s because I’ve never had to face the consequences of my actions. I could just walk away, never see the other person again. And it would all be okay.
Now, I’m looking straight at what I’ve done to somebody. It really dawns on me who I am, who I’ve been as a person. Even to somebody that I loved, love. I keep trying to downplay what I’ve done, chalking it all up to how I felt. I was ashamed. My ego had been wounded. I was scared.
But Cassidy didn’t get an opportunity to escape. Every day for the last three years she has had to deal with all of this by herself. She has had to be there for all of it, unable to escape it. She had to face it every day.
For what isn’t the first time, I realize how much better of a person she is than I am.
As she still sobs into my chest, I hold her tightly. I say the last thing that I can think of to say.
“I’m sorry, Cassidy.”
I know that I’ve apologized before, but this is different. It’s never really hit me how much I’ve messed things up. I’ve always been sorry, I’ve always meant it. I just never realized how much she needed it.
Then, I let the silence wash over us. We stay on the ground, my arms wrapped around her, rocking her back and forth in an act of comfort as she cries. I whisper into her hair, trying to hush her, trying to offer her some form of comfort.
I don’t know how much time has passed between the two of us when Cassidy finally pulls away from me. I can see her swollen, puffy eyes in the darkness. Mascara runs down her cheek, which smears even more when she tries to wipe at it.
“I’m sorry,” she finally speaks, her voice hoarse from her crying, “I shouldn’t have broken down like that.” She moves to get out of my arms, and I force myself to let her.
As much as I want to keep holding her, I know that I can’t.
She’s not mine. I can’t keep her with me, despite how badly I want to. I’ve done nothing but speak from the heart tonight. That’s all I can do.
“Don’t apologize, Cassidy. Please don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
She nods, wipes at her knees to clean some of the dirt off.
“I should get inside. I have to pick Lucy up early tomorrow morning and –”
“Why don’t you let me do it? I leave tomorrow afternoon. I’d like to spend some more time with her. You can sleep in or have the morning to yourself. Whatever you want to do.”
Cassidy looks at me, eyebrows knitted together before finally nodding.
“Okay. I’ll text my mom tonight and let her know that you’re going to pick Lucy up in the morning.”
“Alright. Sounds good. Let me know if you need anything, alright? I’ll do what I can before I head back to New York.”
Everything inside of me wants to stay. Everything inside of me wants Cassidy to ask me to stay, to not go back to New York. I want the fantasy of us becoming a family to come true. I want to continue trying to earn my way back into her heart. I want to continue proving to her that I’m a better man.
But it really dawns on me that I’ve lost this chance. I waited too long, made too many mistakes. My heart breaks. I feel awful. But now...now I just have to be here for Cassidy. I have to move on with my life while continuing to be the co-parenting partner that she’s always wished I could have been.
“Alright. Have a good night, Oliver.”
Here’s the part where I expect something else to happen. I expect the distance between the two of us to close. I expect our arms to find each other, our lips to crash together. I expect this to lead to a happy ending...but none of that happens.
I offer a sad smile, nodding.
“Good night, Cassidy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
With nothing left to be said between the two of us, I get back into my car and drive back to my cabin, cursing myself the entire drive.
When I wake up the next morning, I feel awful. I hardly slept, tossing and turning all night. I couldn’t stop thinking about Cassidy, about the mess that I made. I wonder if my showing up made it worse for her. I wonder if all of this has been a mistake.
I feel like a half-asleep creature as I stumble out of bed, shower, and get dressed for the day. When I get back from picking up with Lucy, I have to focus on packing everything up. I’ll be leaving tonight, I don’t know if I’ll ever be coming back. Not because I want to stay away, but because I know that Cassidy likely wants me to.
I leave the cabin and drive to Diana’s house to pick up Lucy. The entire time, I feel a cold sweat coming over me. Dealing with Cassidy is one thing but dealing with her mother is another. Her mother has never liked me and if we’re being honest, Diana has always scared me to death. This woman puts the fear of God in me.
I pull into her driveway and take a shaky breath. I hope that Cassidy told her that I was picking Lucy up, otherwise I think Diana will slam the door in my face.
I get to the front door and before I can lift my hand to knock on it, Diana opens the door. She looks at me, her face hard. It’s still like looking at an older version of Cassidy. The same features, the same eyes that radiate anger when they’re upset.
I swallow, “Good morning, Diana.”
“Oliver,”
“I’m here to – “
“Pick up Lucy, Cassidy told me last night. You can come in while I wait for her to gather her things.”
I’m utterly uncomfortable as I step into Diana’s house. I look around, the décor is exactly what you expect from an older southern woman. Lots of flowers and barnyard rustic décor. Pictures line the walls, and I come to realize that most of them are of a younger Cassidy.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of young Cassidy. Unable to stop myself, I step forward to take it in. The younger version of her looks so much like the one that I love now, except, well, young. I’m not used to the idea of family photos. They’re a rarity in my house, father always thought they were ridiculous.
Diana clears her throat, demanding my attention.
“Cassidy said that you’re flying back out to New York later today?”
I step further into the house, coming to stand by Diana’s side in what I assume is the entrance to the living room.
“I am,” is all I say.
She doesn’t look at me, arms crossed over her chest
.
“Good, you being down here has been rough for Cassidy. I can’t imagine what you were thinking would happen.”
I open my mouth to say something, but I’m at a loss for words. I don’t want to get into a verbal sparring match with the grandmother of my child and the mother of the woman that I love. I know that I deserve her quips. She has to be just as angry with me as Cassidy is.
“I understand,” is all I say, trying not to make eye contact.
I’m trying to keep my sentences short and to the point, trying not to give her any further ammo towards me.
“I know that Cassidy would never say it to your face, but she’s been struggling. She wants to let you be in Lucy’s life, for Lucy’s sake, but it also hurts her to be around you. She loved you so damn much, Oliver. She would have done anything you asked her to. Now, she just feels like a fool for ever listening to you.”
I guess I have to say more than a few words. If I just hum in agreement and nod, Diana’s going to develop an even worse opinion about me.
“I know that I messed up, Diana. I know that I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to change what I’ve done, and I know that there isn’t a way to change that. I can just try to make it right. That’s what I’ve been trying to do since I came back down here. I just hope Cassidy sees that I’m trying to change. I’ll keep trying to prove it to her.”
Diana sighs.
“I don’t want to see my daughter, or my granddaughter hurt, Oliver. I know that you’re trying to change, but you need to think about what’s best for them. Are you sure being around is the best for both of them? Or is it just the best for you?”
Before I can answer, I hear a sound that always makes me feel better. It makes my heart feel full and a smile spread over my face, Lucy rounds the corner into the living room and squeals my name, mixing up the ‘v’ with a ‘b’ like always.
“Hey, Lucy,” I grin, squatting down so I’m at her level.
She races across the living room, her bag long forgotten. She wraps her arms around me, and I hug her back. I hug her a little tighter than usual, knowing that it could be the last time that I ever see her. I only hope that it isn’t.
Fake Love Rich Boss Series Page 43