Home Again

by Christine L'Amour

  Erika fucked up. She ruined it like she’d slowly ruined her marriage with Luciana and like she’d slowly ruined her relationship with her family. She slid down the door and covered her face with her hands. She cried without noise, without hiccupping, alone in her house.

  At least Luciana had said goodbye.

  ***

  Her house wasn’t screened and she had no idea how to introduce the cats to her dog, so she took them to her room and closed the door and windows. The cats huddled under her bed, afraid. Erika set the bowls with food and water by her wardrobe and threw some toys around. She sat by her door and waited until they came out. It took a long time.

  ***

  Her heart jolted when the doorbell rang, but it was just Ed. Of course, it was just Ed. Erika stepped aside to let him in and waved at the kitchen, making her way back to her room. He’d probably come to get some ingredients he didn’t have, eat her food, or watch something on her TV, and honestly right now Erika couldn’t care enough to tell him to leave.

  He caught her arm and stopped her from leaving.

  “Ed, I’m not in the mood,” she said.

  “I’m sorry,” he blurted out, and she turned around to blink at him.

  She deflated when she saw the expression on his face.

  “Guess the entire town must know by now that she left,” Erika said, and she tried to sound calm, she did, but the tears came, and her face twisted and she couldn’t keep her voice straight. “What did our parents say? I bet Mom is about to come visit me to tell me all about her garbage opinions.”

  “Erika,” her brother tried, but she just shook her head and freed herself from his hand.

  “I don’t want to hear it,” she said. “I’m going to go lay down for a bit. Can you keep an eye on Luke, since you’re here? Her cats are here and I don’t want to risk Luke getting to them before—”

  “No, I mean—” He reached forward, but instead of grabbing her arm he grabbed her hand and squeezed. “I mean for everything. Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie, I… I know how much you value honesty and I didn’t do what I said I would and… I’m sorry for Steph, too. I’m sorry we drove her away—”

  Erika laughed wetly, rubbing a hand over her eyes.

  “You didn’t drive her away, Ed,” she said. “I did. I explicitly told her to leave and she did. Look, I’m glad you’re apologizing, but—”

  “You’ve been weird,” he told her. “You’ve been… distant from us, ever since you came back months ago. You used to call Mom every day when you lived away and now you’re here you make faces when she visits once a week.”

  “Ed, I don’t want to talk—”

  “You don’t have to be distant,” he said. “Okay? Don’t go hole up in your room. I’m sorry your girlfriend broke up with you and left without saying anything. That sucks. She’s an asshole. Look.” He lifted a plastic bag; she hadn’t noticed he’d brought anything. “I bought ice cream.”

  Erika looked at that plastic bag and started to cry.

  “Oh,” she said with a sob, “Edward, you asshole. I didn’t want to cry, I was just going to take a damn nap—”

  He reached out for her, one hand around her back and another pressing her face against his shoulder. He was her twin brother and once they’d been as identical as could be, with the same hair, same eyes, same height. Now he was even taller than her and his hair had lightened some, but he hugged her and he had gotten her ice cream and Erika hadn’t even realized how much she’d missed her brother.

  She’d been back for months upon months and she had still been missing him all this time.

  “Fine,” she said with a snuffle. “Let’s watch some damn TV.”

  ***

  “She’s not an asshole, though,” Erika murmured to her brother’s shoulder. “We had a fight, we both said things we shouldn't have.”

  “She broke up with you,” he said, distracted with the TV. “That means she’s an idiot who makes stupid decisions.”

  Erika couldn’t exactly deny that. Stephanie really did seem to make stupid decisions which she came to regret very soon after.

  …maybe she’d regret the way she left.

  “She has to come back,” Erika whispered. “She left the cats here. She’ll come back for them, even if only to pick them up to take them back with her.”

  “I cannot fucking believe she dropped the cats off with you.”

  “…she didn’t. She took them to Jay and he basically shoved them at me and told me to fix it.”

  “Well, Jay’s an asshole too.”

  Erika sighed, and the two of them fell silent.

  Luke left the cats alone when an opportunity for great pats arose, so he was on the couch, lying on Erika’s other side. Her arm was aching from sweeping her hand back and forth on his back. The movie was at a low volume and Erika’s cellphone was still silent. She didn’t know where Steph was.

  She shouldn’t have told her to leave. Maybe she’d have stayed if Erika hadn’t opened her big mouth. She hadn’t meant it—she’d just been so upset that Steph didn’t deny not being serious about her. They needed to talk. Maybe Steph just wasn’t ready to live in the house that was supposed to be hers and her friends’. They could still be together if Steph back to the city. They could take it slow. Not talk about children again. Erika could simmer down. She could keep her mouth shut.

  She missed Stephanie. The thought that she had moved away without sending her a single text was unbearable. Had Erika really been that final when she’d told Steph to leave?

  “Aw, Erika, don’t start crying again,” Ed said rubbing his cheek against the top of her head. He handed her his cup of ice cream. “Here.”

  She shoved some ice cream into her mouth and sighed.

  “God, I hate strawberries.”

  “Yes, do that, focus on other things, like how much you hate strawberry.”

  “You couldn’t bring me chocolate?”

  “Strawberry was over half the price of chocolate!”

  “That’s what I thought, you cheapskate. You know, Ed,” Erika added, straightening up. “She’s going to come back for her cats if nothing else. Then I’m going to talk to her. I’m going to talk to her a lot.”

  “Kinky.”

  “Shut up. I’m going to get her back.”

  “Are you really?”

  She turned to look at him dead in the eye.

  “We’re going to talk things over like adults, and I’m going to get her back,” she said. “Mark my words.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “I have to go back,” Stephanie announced firmly to the full breakfast table when she went back home.

  Ve sighed and put her head in her hands. Steph’s parents looked blankly at her, not caffeinated enough to process what she’d said. Don looked worriedly at her, as if concerned for her mental health.

  “Stephanie, please tell me you’ve had an epiphany and now you’re going to actually do what I told you to,” Ve said, lifting her face to glare at her.

  “Yes,” Steph said with a nod.

  “I love you,” Don told her, voice soft. “But I’m not making this eight-hour trip again if you point a gun at my head, Stephanie.”

  “Baby, can you please explain what on Earth is going on?” her mother interrupted, setting her mug of coffee back on the table. “Your sister isn’t even here yet and you’re already saying you’ll leave? Sit down and explain.”

  Stephanie sat down and gladly accepted the warm mug of chocolate milk her dad passed to her hands. She brought it closer and inhaled its warmth, and it cured something in her. She felt surer, especially when he put a hand on her shoulder.

  “I made some mistakes,” she told them. “And then some more. And more. But moving away wasn’t a mistake, and being with Erika wasn’t a mistake, and loving her wasn’t a mistake. But coming here like a baby was. So, I’m going back, and I’ll talk to Erika like a normal human being, and we’ll figure it out.”

  There was a moment of sile
nce.

  “Who’s Erika?” her mother asked, baffled.

  Steph had to cover her face and laugh.

  “Her girlfriend,” Ve explained.

  Don cupped Steph’s cheek with a hand, tears in his eyes.

  “I’m proud of you,” he said. “It wasn’t a mistake, moving to our house. I told you, I’m this close to following you.”

  Steph nodded. She covered his hand with her own.

  “I’m going to fix it, Don,” she whispered—and anxiety still coiled at her stomach at the thought of going back and facing everything, but—but Erika was worth it. Steph could do it. She could go back and face her mistakes like an adult.

  If everything went wrong, she still would have to go back for the cats anyway.

  ***

  When she arrived at her house over eight hours later, she felt destroyed. She hadn’t slept well, she hadn’t eaten well, she’d spent 16 hours in this car in the last day, and without her family, her friends who’d decided not to come with her, or Pedro’s proximity, everything felt worse. Less certain. It’d been stupid to leave. It’d been stupid to come back. Steph had fucked up again.

  She left the car parked in front of her house and went to take a shower. She’d make some tea, scroll through some social media on her phone, answer her sister’s angry messages, and feel a bit more human.

  Then she’d knock on Erika’s door, anxiety or not.

  ***

  Edward answered the door. Stephanie’s nails dug painfully into the skin of her palm. Was Erika not home? Were her parents also here? Steph couldn’t bear seeing them again.

  Oh, this had been a bad idea. Stephanie should have called.

  Edward pointed at Stephanie and said, confused: “I thought you’d left.”

  “Is Erika home?” she blurted out instead of answering. “I mean—I left, but I came back like an hour ago. To talk to Erika. Is she here?”

  “She is, but—”

  “Ed,” Erika interrupted, “can you tell Mom I’m not in the mood to— “Her eyes caught sight of Stephanie over her brother’s shoulder. “Oh.”

  Stephanie lifted a hand in an awkward wave.

  “I thought you’d left,” Erika said blankly. “Without telling me.”

  Steph shrugged, eyes skittering away.

  “Well, I’m leaving,” Edward said. “You two talk and… resolve your thing. Honestly, I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.”

  Stephanie could empathize, and by her expression so could Erika. But Erika didn’t say anything, just looked down and gestured for Stephanie to walk in. Her house was huge, filled with paintings on the walls and carpets and even clocks. Luke came bounding down the stairs and rushed to Stephanie for a hello. He sniffed at her ankles. She patted his back.

  Her parents weren’t there. Steph breathed a sigh of relief.

  The silence was awful. Steph took a deep breath, straightened up, and prepared herself to break it.

  “Erika,” she said, and lifted her eyes to—

  She was crying. Stephanie stared, eyes wide, and her brain tried to process the information. Erika was red-faced and crying, rubbing one sleeve against one eye to try and dry the tears.

  “You’re crying,” Steph said, horror filling in her throat. Oh god. Oh, Christ what had Stephanie done—

  “You came back,” Erika said. Her voice broke on the word back. It was the worst sound Steph had ever heard.

  “Yeah,” Steph agreed, taking a step forward. Her eyes burned in sympathy, trying to cry too. “I came back. For you. For us—to talk. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t. I’m sorry, Erika, about that fight—you were right, but I never—”

  Erika reached for Steph and enveloped her in a hug. She wrapped her arms around Steph and buried her face in her hair and cried quietly, though Steph her hiccups in her chest. She felt tears in her own eyes.

  “Erika—” “I’m sorry,” she said, “I’m sorry, Steph, that I told you to leave, I didn’t want you to leave, that I said you weren’t serious—it’s fine if you need time, we can take things slow, I promise—and that I groaned about your issues—about your problems—I didn’t make an effort to understand them but I promise I will—”

  Stephanie wrapped her arms around her and squeezed her back and felt like all her anxieties had flown off the window like freed birds. Erika wasn’t angry. Erika was sorry. Erika didn’t want her to leave. She was crying because Stephanie had come back. Suddenly it felt so good, so easy, to press her face against Erika’s shoulder and feel like she was where she belonged.

  It felt like all Steph’s fuck-ups had been just simple mistakes after all, and Steph could fix mistakes.

  She held onto Erika until she calmed down, until she wasn’t clutching Steph to her quite as tightly.

  She groaned, rubbing her hands over her face. “I’m sorry, Steph. I didn’t mean to drown you in my tears like this.”

  “Apparently, you’ve got some unresolved issues when it comes to people leaving you,” Stephanie said without leaning away, and Erika didn’t uncoil from around her either.

  “Well,” Erika said. “I… probably.”

  “I’ve got lots of unresolved issues,” Steph said softly. “I feel like—like I’m a failure, and you’re so successful, and why would you date me? But I—I’m not a failure. It wasn’t a mistake to move here, and I’m staying. I’ll find a more stable job, I’ll screen the house, we’ll buy some furniture, I’ll name the damn cats—“

  “Jay and his wife named them,” Erika interrupted, though her voice was choked up.

  Steph laughed wetly against her shoulder.

  “God, he must be so angry at me.”

  “…he’s not happy, no.”

  “I’ll apologize to him,” Steph said, taking a deep breath. “Like I’m apologizing to you. I left like a baby and I didn’t tell you and that was stupid. I shouldn’t have hidden our relationship from everyone. I’m sorry, Erika. I’m sorry.”

  “You came back,” Erika whispered, leaning away from Steph so she could cup Steph’s face in her hands, swipe her thumb over Steph’s cheeks to dry her tears. “I’d forgive you anything, after that.”

  She kissed Steph and Steph sighed against her mouth, body melting at her touch. Erika tasted salty like her tears, but it was the most wonderful taste in the world because it meant they were kissing, they were together, they were here. Erika was cradling Steph’s face in her hands like she was a precious thing she didn’t want to let go of and it made Steph’s chest fill with helium, it made her want to fly.

  Erika was glad she was back. Steph was going to keep her that way.

  The kiss was sweet until Erika deepened it, swiped her tongue against Steph’s and lowered a hand to Steph’s neck, and Steph felt fire lick down her spine. She pushed Erika closer to her, their bodies flush against each other, and Erika gasped into her mouth. She curled her hand around strands of Steph’s hand, proprietary but sweet.

  “I don’t want to finish what should be a long discussion and just go up to my room, but,” Erika murmured against Steph’s lips, “we can always talk later, right?”

  Steph took advantage of the fact that Erika had leaned away to wrap her arms around her neck and kiss her again, mouth open and hot, and Erika groaned against her lips. She wrapped her arms around Steph and lifted her up—Steph kicked herself up and wrapped her legs around her waist.

  There was no wall. Erika couldn’t hold her against anything—but she still held Steph up easily. The fact she was doing it so casually too was so hot Steph moaned against Erika’s mouth.

  “Can you carry me?” she asked, leaning forward to whisper the words against the shell of her ear. “Can you carry me upstairs to your bed?”

  Erika pressed a kiss against her cheek and carried her all the way upstairs to her room. When she dropped Steph down on her bed even Steph was flushed, out of breath, and so wet it was soaking through her panties.

  She groaned. “God, Erika—”

  Erika settled
heavily on top of her and Steph wrapped her legs around her again, eager and hungry, and their kiss had a lot of teeth. Erika dragged her lips to the side, dropping kisses on Steph’s cheek, on the corner of her jaw, and Steph moaned when she closed her mouth around her neck and sucked.

  Steph grasped Erika’s hair in her hands and tightened her hold—she didn’t want to hurt her, she just wanted Erika to stay where she was and never leave. She wanted Erika to settle more heavily on top of her, she wanted Erika to put her mouth everywhere on her, she wanted Erika to touch her.

  Steph squirmed on the bed as Erika kissed her throat down to her clavicles, gasping at the feeling of Erika’s lips on her skin, at how hot the air felt between them.

  “Erika,” Steph tried, “take your damn shirt off.”

  “You take this damn shirt off,” Erika said, dropping a kiss on the swell of Steph’s breast, and Steph shivered.

  But Erika stood up anyway, towering over Steph, and rolled her shirt off her. Her loose hair tumbled down past her shoulders, on top of her breasts, and the image of Erika sitting like this on top of Stephanie, pale and flushed and beautiful and so wanting, was breathtaking.

  Her eyes were as impossibly light as ever, and Steph could see perfectly how wide her pupils were.

  She splayed a hand over Steph’s stomach, her touch electric, and pushed the shirt up until Steph helped her take it off—Steph groaned when Erika popped open the button of her shorts too, shoved them down with her panties and all. Steph laid splayed naked on her bed, red with embarrassment—but not enough to stop her from curling her hands around Erika’s hips.

  Erika lowered herself again, looming over Steph with arms around Steph’s head, and murmured:

  “Tell me what you want.”

  Steph tilted her face up and Erika kissed her with an open mouth, lips catching against each other. Steph curled her knees around Erika’s waist and threw her weight around—and even so much smaller she managed to get Erika on her back under her, Steph sitting on her stomach.

  “Oh,” Erika breathed out, stunned.

  Steph bent down to kiss her and Erika fit her hands around Steph’s ribs, back arching off the mattress. Steph was the one to trail kisses down her body, then, until she could cup her girlfriend’s breasts in her hands and squeeze, until she could put her mouth on them. Erika moaned under her, fingers digging into Steph’s skin.