by Jackie D.
Someone knocked on the door, and she yelled for them to go away. She couldn’t do any interviews, and she’d canceled the VIP meet and greet. The knock came again, and she squeezed the vanity table to keep the anxiety at bay. The door opened, the person obviously not caring about her request. Harlow turned to yell, but the words fell short when she saw Audrey come into the room.
Harlow fell into the offered hug. “You’re here.”
Audrey ran her hands up and down her back. “Of course, I’m here, sweetheart.”
The simple endearment cracked whatever weak barrier she’d managed to assemble. A sob escaped, and she buried her face in Audrey’s neck. “I don’t know what’s happening with me.”
Audrey walked her over to the couch. “Talk to me.” She put a gentle hand on Harlow’s face. “I’m here.”
Harlow leaned into her touch. “I feel so lost. I feel so alone.” Everything she’d been feeling was right on the verge of pouring out of her, but she wanted desperately to keep it buried. “How long can you stay?”
Audrey intertwined their fingers. “I’m on an eleven a.m. flight. I have a four o’clock call time.”
Harlow didn’t want to show her disappointment. It wasn’t fair to feel that way. Audrey had a life and job she had to do, and Harlow wasn’t her responsibility. She’d flown across the country to see her for a few hours, which was remarkable. She needed to appreciate that.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
Audrey put her forehead against hers. “Do you want to get out of here?”
Harlow nodded as she wiped away the tears that had started falling. “Yes.”
Audrey went to the door, and she could hear her discussing something with the security guards. Harlow had doubled their presence since this all started. She wasn’t worried about her safety, but she used them as a shield against the rest of the world. Harlow thought about what she must look like to Audrey. She was a blubbering, lost, mess. Perfect.
“They’re bringing the car around,” Audrey said from the doorway.
Harlow pushed herself off the couch and took Audrey’s hand. She let the security team form a human shield around her as they made their way to the car in the back of the arena. As soon as they were outside, the camera flashes started. Next came the insistent questions, which seemed amped up by Audrey’s presence next to her. She wanted to apologize but stopped herself when Audrey squeezed her hand more tightly. They couldn’t get inside the car fast enough. Lately, Harlow had felt as if the air was thinner without the protection cars or walls offered her. It was hard to breathe, and she hated it.
They didn’t speak on the way back to the hotel, but Audrey sat close, stroking the back of her hand with her thumb. She was appreciative of her support but couldn’t help the growing sensation of guilt, consuming her idle thoughts. Audrey was going to spend twelve hours flying in a twenty-hour period, in the middle of her shooting schedule, because Harlow couldn’t hold her shit together.
Inside the hotel room, Audrey started to strip Harlow’s clothes from her body. Harlow slowed her hands. “Audrey, I can’t—”
“I want you to take a bath to relax.” Audrey kissed her cheek. “As gorgeous as you are, sex isn’t what you need right now. Let me take care of you.”
Harlow agreed and slipped into the warm water. She watched Audrey move around the bathroom, arranging different items. Part of her wanted Audrey to climb into the bath, hold her, and tell her everything would be okay. The other part of her didn’t want Audrey to see her like this. The whole world was looking at her with either disgust or pity, and she couldn’t handle that from Audrey as well.
As it turned out, the decision wasn’t up to her. Audrey put on classical music, dimmed the lights, and slipped out of the bathroom. Harlow was left with Chopin and her thoughts. She considered her brother again and thought about what he must be going through. She picked and pulled at her empathy, wanting desperately to drag it to the forefront of her mind. But it felt as if it was snagged on something. That something being the addiction that ran rampant in the family and one her brother had so skillfully ignored. Maybe ignore wasn’t the right word—denied might be better. Casper was fooling himself into thinking he didn’t need help, even when his life was in danger. How could he still be in such denial when he’d dug a hole this deep?
Harlow’s stomach turned, and she felt as if the walls were closing in on her again. It became slightly more difficult to breathe, and her heart was racing. She wanted it to go away. She wanted to feel better. She wanted everything back the way it had been before she found out what was happening. But that was a lie too. Her brother had been struggling for months, possibly years, and she’d been clueless. Maybe if she’d found out sooner, maybe if she’d been paying more attention, maybe if she’d been a better sister…
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
She slid beneath the waterline. The warm water swallowed her whole, allowing her to feel lighter and quieter. How long could she stay under? Could the warmth and the calm fix everything? Perhaps for good?
Her lungs railed against her hesitation. They screamed for oxygen, and her brain urged her to the surface. It was a survival instinct—it had to be. An involuntary response to keep pushing forward even when your psyche and emotions were ready for it to be over. Who would really miss her? Casper had made it clear there were things more important than what they’d built. Her fans? They’d move on to the next pop icon in a month. Audrey. She couldn’t bear the thought of her wondering if there was something she could have done differently or if she could’ve prevented it.
Harlow sucked in a mouthful of air and ran her hands over her hair. She blinked the water out of her eyes, momentarily stunned by the thoughts she’d just allowed in. She was both afraid and ashamed. She was morphing into a version of herself she didn’t recognize and one she didn’t like. She was fragile, and she hated it. She hated herself, and she hated her genetic line for cursing her brother.
“You okay in there?” Audrey knocked on the door but didn’t open it.
“Yes. I’ll be out in a minute.” Harlow covered her face and was grateful the bath had made her tears and water indistinguishable from one another.
She wrapped the towel around her body and stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes, the same shade of blue she shared with her brother, glared back at her. She wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to deal with this. She’d always had Casper. She’d always depended on Casper. Casper was her beacon, her guiding light. What did she do now, with no light to guide her?
* * *
Audrey stared out the forty-fifth-floor hotel room. Boston was one of her favorite cities, and it was gorgeous at night. She loved the holiday lights and the delicate dusting of snow that covered the rooftops and the streets. She imagined wandering the streets with Harlow, drinking coffee and ducking into stores to get warm. She let the happy images play through her mind because it was easier than focusing on the pain and sorrow she saw in Harlow’s eyes. Harlow was struggling, and she didn’t know how to fix it or how to help. She didn’t know because the reality was—this wasn’t hers to fix.
Harlow came out of the bathroom and pulled on sweats and a shirt without looking at her. Audrey didn’t want to push, so she continued her examination of the sleepy city below. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to exhale when Harlow wrapped her arms around her middle and rested her head on her shoulder.
“Thank you for coming.”
Audrey stroked Harlow’s forearms. “I’m sorry I can’t be here longer.”
“Will you lie down with me?”
Audrey turned in Harlow’s embrace and ran her hands over her face. “Whatever you need.”
Audrey pulled the covers up over them and settled against her back. She wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close. Harlow had always seemed larger than life. She was one of those people who radiated confidence, and her eyes had always said she knew a secret no one else was privy to. It had seemed like Harlow had the world figured
out, and she couldn’t divulge it because it would take the fun out of discovering it for yourself. That spark was dimmed now, and Audrey would do anything to give it back to her.
She kissed the back of Harlow’s head. “I’m here if you want to talk.”
Harlow’s muscles relaxed. “Did you really think I was an arrogant prick the first time you saw me?”
“Hmmm,” Audrey mused. “You’re assuming the first time I saw you was in that greeting line.” She chuckled. “The first time I saw you in person wasn’t the same night you masterfully weaseled your way into dinner.”
For the first time since Audrey had arrived, Harlow laughed. “That was Kylie’s doing. I was just smart enough to agree.”
Audrey pulled her closer. “I saw you at a breast cancer charity event three years ago.” Audrey stroked her side. “You were so cool and seemed so aloof. I never considered approaching you, but I did watch you from a distance all night. You had on a black dress that fit you so well, it looked like body paint.” She sighed. “You spent the evening chatting with Rebecca Chase, but she never had your full attention. I remember feeling kind of bad for her.” She laughed to herself. “I remember thinking you were the most confident, beautiful woman I’d ever seen.”
Harlow rolled over to face her. “You were in a navy blue tuxedo that night. Your hair was in a Dutch braid, and you wore diamond earrings. I didn’t talk to you because you were there with a date who did have your attention. Although, to be honest, I couldn’t tell you her name.” She kissed Audrey softly. “I knew you were the most interesting and beautiful woman in that room, and that fact still stands.”
Audrey’s chest swelled. She knew Harlow was struggling. She knew she shouldn’t be falling harder for her with every sentence she spoke. She knew her energy should be focused on helping her get through the turmoil in her life. She knew it, but she couldn’t help herself. Harlow’s face was half-lit by the moonlight, and the soft glow made her seem more delicate than she ever had before. Her feelings simmered in her throat. The words to describe how she felt and what Harlow meant to her begged to be put into the universe. Audrey pulled them back and told herself Harlow didn’t need another complication. She didn’t need another set of feelings to examine. It was enough to be here with her.
“I would’ve left with you that night had you asked,” Audrey said it without thinking. She wished she hadn’t but only for a fleeting second once she saw the look on Harlow’s face.
“Well, I’ll add that to my list of regrets then.” Harlow rolled to her back and pulled Audrey’s head down to her chest. “Get some sleep.” She kissed the top of her head.
Audrey listened to Harlow’s heart beat surely beneath her ear. She knew there was more to talk about, and she knew Harlow had avoided it. But she wasn’t going to push. She’d come here to be whatever Harlow needed, and maybe this was it. She let herself be lulled to sleep by Harlow’s breathing and the promise that tomorrow would be a new day.
Chapter Thirty-three
The realization that it was Audrey pressed up against her as she woke brought the first sense of calm Harlow had felt in several weeks. She’d been an emotional wreck the night before, but Audrey had a way of centering her. She calmed the storm that always brewed right beneath her surface—which she realized wasn’t entirely fair. Audrey brought her a sense of peace and calm, but what did she have to offer? She’d brought Audrey nothing but turmoil and made her life more difficult. Harlow squeezed her eyes shut, desperately wanting to push the thoughts away.
She masterfully extracted herself from Audrey’s embrace and headed to the bathroom. She splashed cold water on her face and reminded herself that Audrey was there because she wanted to be, not out of obligation. On her way back to bed, Audrey’s phone dinged, and she glanced at it. She noticed there were twenty-three missed text messages. She picked it up to give it to Audrey and couldn’t help but notice the last few from Jane.
You’re in Boston?!
I thought we talked about this?
You can’t afford to have a public relationship with her right now. She’s distracting you, and she’s bad for your image.
Bile formed in the back of her throat. Her face heated, and her hands started to tremble. Jesus. What are you doing to her? Her first instinct was to be mad at Jane, but she wasn’t wrong. Harlow had been having the same thoughts. At least Jane was brave enough to say it out loud. Harlow was selfish. She couldn’t bear the thought of not having Audrey, so she was willing to sacrifice her. You’re a great person.
She hadn’t realized Audrey was awake until she took the phone from her hands. She read through the messages and tossed the phone on the bed. “I know that look, and don’t you say what I know you’re about to say.”
“She’s not wrong, Audrey.”
“I will not have my personal life dictated by my agent. I’m a grown woman, and I can make my own decisions. Neither you, nor Jane, will make them for me.” She grabbed Harlow’s face and forced her to make eye contact. “Do you hear me? Public opinion is fickle. It changes each news cycle. I get a choice, and I choose you. Don’t you dare be like everyone else and try to take choices away from me.”
Harlow nodded her understanding. “I just don’t want to—”
“Don’t, Harlow,” she said. “Just don’t.” She kissed Harlow on the side of the mouth. “I’m going to take a shower, and then you have to feed me. I’m starving.”
Harlow only let her hand go when she couldn’t stretch any farther. “You got it.”
Harlow waited until she heard the water turn on and then did something she never did. She googled herself. The number of articles was astounding: opinion pieces, quizzes, articles on mainstream media sites, and hashtags. Her stomach roiled. Fuck. She chewed on her thumb while she looked at the blinking cursor in the search bar. She only hesitated for a moment, glancing back at the bathroom door before she typed in Audrey’s name. She was on the verge of pressing the enter key when her phone rang.
She glanced down at the caller ID. “Hey, Rick. What’s up?”
Her lawyer’s voice was always the essence of calm. He could be standing in the middle of a burning building and sound like he was ordering coffee. “You have a minute?”
She closed her laptop and rolled over on her back. “Sure.” She tried to ignore the prickling sensation that worked its way up her body. She was uncomfortable, and she would give anything for this all to be over.
“We heard back from the prosecutor. He offered Casper house arrest and community service to give up his contact.”
“And what did Casper say?” Her heart had lodged itself in her throat, making it difficult to breathe.
“He said he needed a few days to think about it.”
“He what?” Harlow was on her feet in an instant. “Why would he do that? Does he realize what could happen to him in jail? Is he even thinking about his life—about what this all means?”
“The judge is releasing him for pretrial home confinement. I’m picking him up this afternoon, but, Harlow, he only has a few days to make his decision. I’ve already advised that he take the deal, but he’s hesitant. He thinks he can beat this in court and not risk turning on the supplier.” Rick sounded apologetic.
The familiar drumming of a headache formed behind her eyes. Casper was being reckless at best. He was putting his safety and well-being aside, and for what? It certainly wasn’t her. How had so much changed and she’d not been aware? She didn’t understand how everything had gotten so out of control so quickly.
“I’m coming home.” She heard the slightest quiver in her voice and hoped he wasn’t astute enough to notice.
“Okay. I’ll check in with you tomorrow to see if there’s anything you need.”
“Thanks, Rick,” Harlow said. She stared out the window and did her best to fight back the tears that were threatening to escape. God, she was so tired of crying.
She didn’t hear the bathroom door open and jumped when Audrey put her hand on her shoulde
r. “You okay?”
Harlow’s insides tightened. “I, um—I’m not sure. I need to go home.”
Audrey frowned. “What’s going on?”
Harlow explained the conversation she’d just had with Rick. She observed Audrey, hoping she’d agree with her choice to go home, but there was none. There was concern and confusion, but not agreement.
“Are you sure you should go home?” Audrey seemed tentative when she put her hand on Harlow’s arm. “I just don’t want you to make any decisions you can’t undo. Canceling more tour dates would be—”
Harlow didn’t want her to finish her sentence. “He’s my brother. I need to be there.”
Audrey nodded slowly, apparently considering her next words carefully. “I understand, but is being there the best thing for you?”
Harlow stepped back, needing some distance. “I can’t just continue with my life as if nothing has happened. The media is all over me, my brother is on the verge of prison, he’s ignoring his addiction, and to be honest—my performances have sucked. So do I need to be there? Audrey, I know this is hard for you to comprehend, but Casper and I only have each other. We didn’t grow up like you.”
“What does that mean?”
Harlow could see what was unfolding, but she couldn’t stop herself. “Please, Audrey, name one hardship you’ve faced in your life. You have no idea what it’s like to be us. You have no idea what it took to get us where we are, and I’m not going to abandon him now that things are hard again.”
Audrey crossed her arms, her expression clouded with hurt. “Is that what you think of me?”
Stop now. Just keep your mouth shut.
“Let’s be honest. If we were both ordinary people and we’d met in our everyday lives, you wouldn’t have given me a second glance. I would’ve never been good enough for you or your family. I was nothing but poor trash from a shit background.” Harlow pinched the inside of her arm to keep herself from crying.