by Frankie Rose
“I WAS wondering if you were going to come back. Were you going to call?”
I make it safely back to my building before I’m spotted. Noah sits on the low steps up to the entryway with his hands shoved in his jacket pockets. Again. My shoulders sag at the sharp look in his eyes.
“Seems like you’re making a habit out of loitering on these steps,” I mumble, pressing the teeth of my keys into my palm.
“It’s the only way I get to see you, love.” His casual usage of the word love makes me cringe. He lets out a tight laugh. “Don’t worry, Avery, it’s just a term of endearment.”
“I know that.” My voice is small, despite how hard I try to sound irritated. I flick the keys over in my hand and motion towards the door. “I’m not standing out here for everyone to see. You want to come inside?”
Noah stands stiffly, hunching his shoulders a little in his coat. “There’s no one here, Avery. Everyone’s in class.”
“Where you should be.”
“Where we both should be.”
I run my tongue over my teeth. “I’m going in. You can come if you want.” I let myself into the building and hold the door for a second, waiting to see if he’s following. Noah hurries in after me and we make our way to my apartment in silence. Somehow, I’ve forgotten all about Leslie. She looks like a ghost when the door opens, her eyes round with surprise. “Hey guys!”
“Sorry, Leslie. We’ll uh…we’ll go to the library,” I say.
“God no, I was just leaving.” She leaps off the sofa and shoves her feet into some Ugg boots, slamming her laptop closed as she dashes out of the room. She wasn’t just leaving; she’s wearing sweats and her hair is a tangled knot on the top of her head. She doesn’t even grab a coat. The sound of the door slamming closed rattles around the living room. I automatically head to my room, my heart sinking in my chest.
“Shit.” I sink down onto my bed and stare at my hands, not really paying attention when Noah joins me.
“What’s wrong?” The smell of his cologne is familiar yet far too strong. His arm wraps around my shoulders and he tries to pull me in, but I remain stiffly upright.
“Leslie probably thought I was never coming back. She’s freaking out about sharing a room with a serial killer’s daughter.”
Noah sighs. “You’re over analyzing this. Not that I know her, but your roommate seems like a nice enough person. She probably just wants to give us some space.”
I let out a bitter laugh and dig my nail into the leather strap of my bag. “I doubt it.”
“Why wouldn’t she? I mean, I thought we were gonna give us a go?”
I turn to look at him, raising my eyebrow. “What?”
“We’re almost a couple, Avery, or at least I thought we were. People have been known to give other people in relationships time to be alone sometimes.”
My mouth falls open, horrified. “We’re not in a relationship. We said we’d just see where things go. And now you’ve seen where things go for me, time and time again.”
“I’ve heard some nasty rumors, all of which were about your Da, not you. You should have talked to me yesterday instead of running like that.”
“I couldn’t.” I pull in a deep breath and close my eyes.
“What about now? Can you talk to me now?”
I shake my head and fall back onto the bed. I still haven’t taken a shower since leaving Luke’s and despite how messed up everything has gotten, it feels weird that Noah is so close to me when my skin still smells of another guy. Noah swivels so that his body faces me, but thankfully he doesn’t lie down.
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Can’t,” I whisper.
“Okay, Avery. Just so long as you know I’m here for you. I’m not giving up the beginnings of whatever it is we have here.”
“You can’t be serious?” Never in a million years did I think Noah would stick around after finding out about my dad. I thought he would come and apologize for his unfortunate text message, but then make his excuses and politely leave me to my nightmare of a life.
He’s silent for a moment and then takes hold of my hand. I open my eyes to find him staring determinedly at me. “You don’t grow up where I did, when I did, but more importantly around the people I did, Avery, without knowing a few killers. Some of my friend’s Da’s are still in Portlaoise with no hope of ever being free men again. It doesn’t matter how many times your parents fuck up in this life—their mistakes are their own. Whatever he did, love, he did. I’m only concerned about what you do. What you’re going to do next.” He squeezes my hand and slowly stands. He tugs me gently so I’ll sit up. I do, hanging my head so my hair hides my face.
“Look at me?” His voice is soft. It makes my eyes prick. I do as he asks, flinching when he picks apart the expression on my face. “I want you to come with me.”
“What?”
“Come with me on my internship to Sierra Leone. It’ll give us a chance to get to know each other better. All you’d need to do is talk to Professor Lang. He’d work out the small print so you could still apply for the journalism program later on in the year. I’ve already spoken with the people in Africa and they’re more than happy to have another pair of hands helping out. It would look great on your—”
“Noah!”
“What? Tell me you wouldn’t love some time away from this place. You’d only need to get through the next week and then Columbia closes for Christmas. By the time we get back, everyone will have forgotten about—”
“Noah, I slept with Luke.”
He stops talking. For a second I can’t believe the words have escaped my lips. Can’t understand why I’ve said them out loud. Confusion flickers over Noah’s face. “Luke? The guy from the bar? But…but you said he was just your friend?” His voice is strangled, and my stomach twists at the look of hurt on his face.
“He is. I mean, I… he was my friend. I don’t even think we’re that anymore.”
“And you slept with him?”
I nod, not trusting myself to make any sense if I speak. I scoot away so that my back rests against the wall, drawing my knees up under my chin. Noah crouches down by the bed and puts his head in his hands. For two whole minutes he just breathes deeply in silence. Eventually he drags his hands over his face and looks up at me.
“It doesn’t matter.”
The hell it doesn’t. I’m about to say as much when he holds up his hand, cutting me off. “It’s not like you cheated on me. You were distraught over your Da. You probably only did it so you could stop thinking about everything, right?” The hope in his tone is painful. I’m a hideous, hideous person.
“Yes, you’re right, but that doesn’t mean it was okay. Even if I’m not dating you, I shouldn’t have done something so stupid.”
Noah clenches his jaw and shakes his head. “You’re coming to Africa with me.”
“Noah—”
“No!” He stands quickly, rubbing the back of his neck. “None of that matters, okay? Look, I’m not saying I’m happy about the idea of you sleeping with another guy. I’m not saying it doesn’t sting a little.” He gives me an infuriated look that makes me feel even worse. “But that’s it, you see…that’s exactly the reason why I can’t let you go. I’m feeling like utter shit right now, and that’s because I’m wishing it had been me. I want you, Avery. I don’t want to share you. I want you all for myself. So you have to come to Africa.”