“Yes, Mom. I love you, too,” I tell her as she walks out the front door.
Letting out a deep sigh, I get up and do another walk-through of my apartment. Mine. On one hand that feels so good, on the other, it serves as a reminder that while this is mine, I’m not sharing it with the person I love most in this world. Looking into the empty master bedroom all I can picture is Hawke’s bed and duvet. For a moment I slip into a daydream and visualize us in better days. Back when he didn’t love me from a distance. I reminisce about us laying there like we used to, talking about nothing and everything for hours on end. Somewhere along the way, I would say something smartass and he would begin tickling me like crazy until I found myself begging for his mercy; eventually getting my way as he would lean down and press his loving lips firmly against mine. Here it comes, the onslaught of tears as they cloud my vision before racing down my cheeks.
Turning around, I see my empty kitchen and am reminded of the time my parents were out of town and he spent the weekend at my house. I was only a teenager, but I’d spent some time in the kitchen with my mother learning to cook. So, I decided to make us a meal that night; homemade spaghetti and sauce. I was stirring the sauce and as I went in for a taste test, he snuck up behind me and wrapped his muscular arms around me while planting kisses on my neck. I remember how safe, happy, and loved I felt in that exact moment. Fuck, he’s never set foot in this place and yet all I see are memories of us and our past everywhere I look. I knew this wasn’t gonna be easy, but I know these tears as harsh as they make my heart feel are necessary. It’s part of the healing process; part of the acceptance stage. My mom always told me growing up, you gotta allow yourself to feel it to heal it.
Sandman
On my way to Aria’s parents' house, I stumble across her mom pulling out of an apartment complex, so I slow down and pull over. Aria was not in the passenger seat. Could it be? I mean, Aria doesn’t have a job or a steady stream of income, but her parents have money and would do anything she wanted. Pondering whether or not go to her folks house first or not, I light a smoke. Inhaling and exhaling long drags, I think back to what the women said at the clubhouse; they said she left with her mother. Outlaw has zero reason to lie about that, but there’s Aria’s mom and no Aria. Flicking my cigarette to the ground, I decide to go into the apartment complex first and scope it out.
Once I pull into the parking lot of the manager's office, I remove my helmet hastily; setting it on my seat. Approaching the door, I yank it open with force. The woman sitting behind the desk widens her eyes at the sight of me. She quickly looks me up and down, specifically zoning in on my cut. Yeah, she knows who I’m with and that means she knows I’m not here for an apartment. “C-can I help you?”
Closing the distance between us, I place my palms on her desk as I lean in. “I’m gonna make this as short and as simple as I possibly can. There was an older woman in here, she just left. She would’ve had her daughter with her, Aria.” I look down at the papers my palms rest on and see Aria’s name on an application. Picking it up, I read over it. “Six months!” The lady jumps in her seat as I shout. “Eight thousand dollars? Oh, this is gonna cost you a nice tanned ass,” I mumble to myself as I retrieve my credit card from my wallet. Handing it over to her, I tell her, “Fix it.” I hold Aria’s lease in front of her face. “This lease right here, I’m buying it out.”
“Um, but, sir, I can’t just do that.” She fumbles around with her hands nervously. “It’s already been paid and signed for. I can’t just…”
Crumbling the lease in one hand only, I tell her, “Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I’m not asking. Furthermore, I am offering to compensate you with the same amount of money that was already given to you.”
“But, the lady paid in cash,” she answers me.
“And you will give it back to her. I don’t give a fuck if you have to personally drive it to her house...tonight!” I slide my credit card across her desk. “One of two things are gonna happen here. You can take my money for the waste of your time and inconvenience while giving that lady her eight-grand back. Or, I will take my offer off the table and you will still give that nice lady her money back. Are you following me? Because either way, your new tenant, Aria, is my woman and she will be leaving here with me; no longer your tenant.”
She eyes my cut again and I know she’s deciding if this will be worth the fight. “Fine. Done. Apartment 123.” She takes my card, swipes it and after I sign for it I turn my back to go confront Aria. “By the way, you did the right thing. And that older lady better have her cash back by tomorrow morning at the latest.” I give her one last menacing look over my shoulder as I exit.
Apartment 123, huh? That’s just right around the corner, so I decide to leave my bike parked where it’s at.
I’m coming for you, Aria. You better be ready, because there’s no way in hell I’m leaving here without you.
15
Aria
My cell begins to ring and it’s across the room. It’s probably the girls or Sandman so I’m in no hurry to get to it as I’ve already missed several of their calls.
Making my way over to it in case it’s the furniture delivery company, I’m startled as Hawke comes flying through my front door, slamming it shut behind him. I didn’t delude myself into thinking he’d be happy about this, but he looks fucking scary. “Well, that was faster than I had hoped,” I blurt out but this seems to only anger the beast within even more.
“What the fuck is this, Aria? I leave to handle some club business and come back to find you’ve just up and left me?” he roars.
Folding my arms over my chest, I pop a hip out. “Hawke,” I begin but catch myself, “excuse me, Sandman, it’s always club business! Except for when you feel that you have time to squeeze me into your life. Well, you know what? That’s not enough for me.” The look on his face goes from anger to one of shock. “Yeah, you heard right. I fell in love with Hawke. The boy that saved me that day in the bathroom and I watched him love me like a man beyond his years. And I get it, I really do. You had a shitty upbringing, and I know me being taken did neither of us any favors. But, I’ll tell you what, since we’ve been reunited, I have never once loved you at arm's length. It might’ve taken me a moment to get back comfortable with clubhouse surroundings and everything and everyone Twisted Iron; but I still opened up to you and gave you me. Not some shell of the person you once knew me to be. What did I get in return? I got Sandman. The emotionally unavailable, unwilling to lay it all on the line for me, selfish and self-centered...Sandman.” Again, my lip begins to quiver and my voice becomes shaky as tears stream down my face.
“Selfish and self-centered?” he questions, stepping forward toward me. “So was it selfish of me or self-centered when I personally eliminated the last and final threat against you? You have no idea what it was like growing up in my house, not really.”
“You’re right, I don’t. Because you never let me close enough or trusted me enough to enlighten me, which is fine. Because even still, I loved you through it all. Even back when we were teenagers, Hawke. I knew by some little things you would say here and there along with the constant bruises and cuts that something bad was going on. Yet, I never pressured you into telling me, but naturally you trusted me enough to let me care for you; to love you. And you genuinely loved me back. Not just with your words, but with your actions and affections.” I turn my back so I can wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“Well, that was back then, Aria. A lot has changed, but my love for you has not and never will. People change, I don’t know what you want me to say.” I feel him approach me from behind, placing his hands on my shoulders.
I turn to him. “That’s the thing, I don’t want you to say anything at all. I understand more than anyone how situations and circumstances can change people. But if me being with you means that this is all I ever get from you, then I have to let you go. I have to let this fantasy of what we were and what we once shared burn to the ground and turn to dust
so I can move on in my life.”
“I am who I am,” he stoically states.
And as the tears steadily stream down my cheeks, I tell him, “And so am I. This version of me isn’t the same as the one when we were younger. But she’s been through a lot. And when I could’ve unpacked and lived in my sorrow or turned cold and bitter, I chose to rise up. I will not be half-loved by you or anyone else. Not anymore. Now, please just go,” I order him.
I watch as his breathing increases and can visibly see him becoming angrier by the second. He picks up the lawn chair the manager gave me and launches it across the room. “Goddammit, Aria I’m not playing anymore with you. I’ve already lost you once and I refuse to do it again. Now grab whatever belongings you have here because you’re coming with me.”
I shake my head at him. “No, I’m staying right here in my apartment. Now, please leave.”
He chuckles devilishly as he scrubs his face with his palms. I can’t tell if it’s pure frustration, or if he is actually finding this comical. “That’s the thing, this isn’t your apartment anymore. I canceled the lease and your mom should be getting her cash back soon enough. Now get your shit and let’s go.”
A rush of anger floods my veins and my entire being. “You did what?” I charge up to him and slap him across his cheek so hard his head turns and my palm begins to sting. “You had no right! I will not leave with you!”
He maneuvers his lower jaw around, adjusting it. “Don’t do that shit again,” he warns. “You really wanna call this quits? Think long and hard before you answer that question.”
“Don’t need to. I’ve already laid it all out there. I love you, and a part of me always will. But if you won’t allow me to love you the way you deserve to be loved, this is over. Yes, letting me love you means allowing me in.” I point to the center of his chest where his heart is. “And honestly, I think that’s what you’re afraid of. Because somewhere deep inside of you doesn’t feel worthy of the love I have to offer. And all that does is keep you guarded and me confused. You have some soul searching to do. Unfortunately, I just cannot put myself through any more of this unless I’m certain this, what we have, is gonna be an equal give and take relationship. I no longer have an apartment thanks to you, either.”
He’s seething with anger, but I’ve only spoken my truth. Nothing was meant to harm him. “You want this apartment? You want your independence while you toss me away, go ahead. I’ll get your fucking lease back,” he declares, walking past me and out my door.
It was never about this apartment or my independence, but I can’t make him understand that. He will either figure it out on his own, or he won’t. I know what it’s like to be down and broken inside, and it has taught me a lot. As much as I love Hawke, Sandman or whatever name he chooses to go by, I will not sacrifice myself or my own happiness for anyone. Sometimes a part of love is losing it.
Sandman
I ride the rest of the day and into the evening, all the way back to that fucking land I just left. Stopping at the truck stop on my way in, I grab a twelve pack of beer. Yeah, I’m going to that dreaded cabin so I can be alone right now. I don’t want to go back to the clubhouse and face all of the women while they ask me questions about Aria and try to give me advice on how to win her back. I texted Rogue and told him what was going on and he gave me the okay.
Although I haven’t set foot in here in years, I’ve always kept the utilities paid up and running. I pay a small cleaning company here in town fifty dollars to come in once a month to dust and wash the linens. I don’t know why I decided to come here of all places, but I felt drawn to do it. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Aria dumps me, and the first place I think to run to is the one place where I have the worst memories of my childhood.
Opening the door, it smells musty and, well, old. Probably because it is. I crank the thermostat on the air conditioner down to cool the place off. After I grab a beer, I place the rest in the small refrigerator. Using the countertop, I crack the top off and just let it fall to the floor. Chugging down the foamy cold brew, I begin to look around. The place is bare bones mostly aside from the sofa, a table and some old pictures in frames I left in place. Any containing my father I buried with him.
I look at a picture of my mother sitting on the floor with me. Hell, I must’ve been about ten at the time. We didn’t have much so any type of holidays or birthdays I was lucky if I got a cake. But damn, I was so grateful to even have that.
My mind quickly goes back in time to my twelfth birthday. My mother worked at what’s now known as Dar’s at the time waitressing. She’d been pulling extra shifts for a solid two months or so it seems. I remember it fondly because my father always accused her of being out cheating or doing something scandalous. Yet, she always had the extra money to help his lazy ass with bills. God forbid he work any extra hours at the shop. I vividly remember waking up that morning expecting it to be another ordinary day. As I said, I learned early on to never expect a thing, only I was happily surprised to find a birthday cake with my name written on it on our small kitchen table.
Both of my parents were already sitting there. My mom in her apron sitting across from my father who was eating the breakfast she always slaved over making him each morning. They both wished me a happy birthday and I remember watching my father play his role as the breadwinner and the man of the house. As my mother began to light the candles, my father quickly shifted gears as his mood changed. Suddenly everything went from joyous, back to the normal nervousness we always lived with. He yanked the lighter from my mother’s hand, chastising her and telling her how wrong she was doing it. He berated her over the way she was lighting fucking birthday candles for a solid few minutes. Always worried about me, she kept looking at me offering me smile after smile; only ever wanting the best for me. After they sang and I blew out my candles, my father left. I can still hear his words as if they were yesterday, “Be home when I get home. Club business.” Bam, an epiphany washes over me, but they don’t stop there.
My mother pulled out the seat my father had been sitting in and told me to close my eyes. Thrill and anticipation coursed through my body. It’d been a long time since I saw her smile that big. When she returned and ordered me to open my eyes, she’d bought me a gift. It was the all black chain for my bicycle with the matching black skull lock that I had been wanting. It was more than I could’ve dreamed of in that moment and I remember hugging her waist so tightly. Then, I remembered that if my father found out that she’d spent money without his knowledge that she was in for a beating. She must’ve noticed the fear and sadness on my face because she lowered herself and looked me straight in my eyes. “Hey.” I remember her tilting my chin up with the tip of her finger as I looked into her eyes. “I don’t often get to do these types of things for you and I do not want you worried about what your old man is gonna do. I’ll just tell him it was a gift from Grandma.”
“And if he finds out the truth?” I remember questioning her.
“We won’t worry about that right now, Hawke. It’s your birthday today and I want you to have the best one yet. There will always be someone or something that happens in life that will try to stop your happiness. I wish things were different for us, I really do. But one thing I know for a fact is that you have a good heart. Don’t you dare let anyone or anything harden it.” She pointed to the center of my chest as Aria did and I feel like I’m beginning to see what they were both talking about. “This is a cruel world we live in, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. And I know you’re still just a young man, but promise me this...once you find a woman worthy who loves you for your flaws and all and fights for you and by your side; never let her go. Let her in, allow her to see your soul and how amazing it is, and cherish her always. Never let her go a day questioning your love for her, because I’m pretty certain that if she has all of those qualities; you’ll be the lucky one. You deserve to be loved wholly and completely. And whoever wins your heart deserves the same in return.”
Standing up it feels like my past has collided with my present. I slam the rest of my beer down and crack another one open. What am I doing? What have I done? I find myself pacing the floor. Should I call her? No, I shake my head. There’s been too much damage already done. Shit! I throw my glass bottle across the room and it smashes against the wall, shattering into pieces; much like my life at the moment. Aria was fighting for me and with me by my side. All she wanted was so simple and she verbally expressed it repeatedly. Only I was too caught up in my egotistical persona that I denied her full access; something I’d given her in the past but allowed the darkness to steal from me. Well, not anymore. It’s Aria, she’s always been mine. Now it’s my turn to show her that I will fight for her, for us, for our future.
16
Aria
Two weeks later
I got the job at Doctor Porter’s office, but I don’t start for another week. Her current receptionist got married and is moving overseas.
Hawke called me the day after our argument and I ignored the call, but he left me a voicemail:
“I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but I wanted you to know that you’re on my mind.”
And, something about his tone piqued my interest. In that moment I heard a glimpse of the Hawke I used to know, but I was hesitant to get my hopes up.
The next day, Outlaw and baby Mel came by. She asked me what I’d done to Sandman. Said in just a few short days he seemed like a different person. Of course, she made it clear that Sandman was very much so still viable, but that he just seemed overall different. Again, this had me questioning if he had in fact started his soul searching, but I kept my guard up.
Sandman's Awakening: Twisted Iron MC Page 14